Please note: I have edited a lot of the original information from this post, in order to respect the privacy of these individuals as much as I can. However, the underlying problems are common to many families, as my brother's family is similar to the one discussed here.
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A while back, I participated in a three way phone call between me, JS, and her financial advisor. If you could have seen JS over the past few days, she's been about a hair's breadth away from her own nervous breakdown. And this is all because of a daughter who needs the help that her mother can no longer give.
First, some background:
- JS - A woman who turns 65 in a few weeks. She is a widow of 12 years, has 2 adult children, lives in Connecticut, and has just taken a job in Brooklyn as a school principal. The school of which she's the principal has been mismanaged for years, and the board of directors wants her to clean the place up.
- ES - JS's daughter. She is 20, has done poorly in the few college courses she has taken, and has been an albatross around her mom's neck. She throws temper tantrums whenever her mom tries to steer her towards taking on responsibility.
- FA - The financial advisor. She's a CFA, and seeing her in action, I feel that she's giving JS good advice that JS is hesitant to act on.
A therapist told JS that the best thing she could do for her daughter would be to "divorce" her. She needed to hear this from more than one person she could trust. What can be done for ES when her mom moves to Florida? What services are available to ES? What remaining responsibilities does JS have, now that ES is legally an adult? These are questions that must be addressed, and JS will need help to do so.
FA has figured out a way to extract enough money from JS's resources to allow her to enjoy retirement in Florida. She also suggested that JS give ES an allowance to help bridge a gap between what ES may earn in a minimum wage job and what she'll need to pay her basic bills. Loans may be taken from life insurance policies, money taken from annuities, and Social Security collected from her late husband's benefits. FA is putting JS's needs first, over those of ES. And this is the right thing to do.
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It will be a rocky path for JS and her family. A mother's most important duty to her daughter is to see that her daughter can function without help from mom. And if this means that the daughter is forever alienated from her mother, so be it. Sadly, there is a dysfunctional codependency between mother and daughter.
I think that the daughter must be forced to grow up. Does one keep enabling her as some people would suggest? Or does one use "tough love" as her therapist and financial advisor would suggest? I'd choose the latter and hope I'm right....
