I saw an old flame tonight

No, I did not even think of reigniting the flame.  Patty is a pleasant memory, and we retained our friendship after we broke up.  And now, when I meet her, it is in Marian mode for two reasons:

• I don't want to reawaken things by presenting as a male.
• I am more comfortable meeting women in female mode, so that there is no hint of sexual interest.

Patty is comfortable with this.  And yet, I was thinking of warning her that I was going to be wearing a dress when I went to City Island to see her.  Go figure.

- - - - - -

Before we got together, Patty texted me to let me know that there was an unexpected death in her family, so that she wouldn't have to talk about it in any detail.  Yet, that was one of the first things we talked about, because she needed to tell me about it.  And then, we started catching up on what's been going on in each other's lives.

Patty grew up in a close knit family, and anything that would unravel that fabric has to hurt a bit.  This death, coupled with a family issue which I won't go into here may make things unable to be mended between Patty and a family member.  I feel sorry for her, as I think she's already read the tea leaves and sees the last chance to heal some old wounds go away.

Dinner was a little bit more expensive than I had planned.  But I had the cash ready and available tor a bill that was higher than expected.  (Moral: Don't eat the broiled fisherman's platter when a simple piece of fish will do.)  At least, I was filled to the gills, so to speak....

- - - - - -

All too soon, we had to leave.  But I suggested that we try to arrange a foursome for dinner next month, with me presenting as Mario.  Hopefully, that will happen....

The only thing I bothered doing was as Mario

I didn't have much to do today.  So I ended up staying inside until I went to dinner with GFJ as Mario.  No laundry, even though I had (3 or more) loads waiting for me to bring downstairs.  No straightening up the apartment, even though I've made a big mess of this place since my cleaning lady's last appearance.  And no shopping, although that would have occupied some time and alleviated some of the boredom I've been dealing with lately.

My transgender nature is a problem for GFJ, and I won't go into many details here.  Although I've said that Mario will always be available for her, she is uncomfortable when I present as Marian.  This is easy to understand.  But it has caused us problems, and I'd bet that she'd always have some reservations about Marian unless she were to learn how not to see Marian as a threat to her relationship with Mario.  Strangely enough, she had always encouraged my growth as Marian, and now things once repressed are now coming to the surface.

Driving to Newburgh for dinner is something I don't mind doing.  And we had a pleasant dinner once I arrived.  (She took a nap in the diner's parking lot while waiting for me - she was already in town, and it didn't make sense to go home just to come right back to eat.)  But after dinner, we had another serious conversation where nothing much was resolved.  Yet, with nothing final taking place, there is always hope we can come to an acceptable resolution of our issues.

- - - - - -

On the way home, I called my brother to find out what's going on in his life.  It seems like my sister in law is dealing with her problems and realizes that she can't help a son who doesn't want to be helped.  What saddens my brother is that the mother of their two kids lost many of the opportunities to bond with her offspring because of problems triggered by her son from her previous marriage.  Since it would be wrong of me to go into any more details right now, I'll have to keep quiet until I'm ready with a way to describe things that does not identify my family in the process.

At least, I expect Thanksgiving to be a calm day, even though I don't know what time I'll arrive at my brother's place.  His wife will be there without her eldest son, and her son will not be pulling the triggers that get in the way of her maintaining her sobriety.

Did I go to the first day of the Trans Forum? Nooooo.....

As usual, I've been having a hard time getting to sleep at night.  Last night, I was to blame, as I was editing this blog and taking care of little things well into the "third shift".  So when I woke up this morning, I turned off the alarms and stayed in bed until the afternoon.  As a result, I skipped today's session of the Trans Forum being held at the LGBT Center, and  gave myself a few more hours to rest before going into NYC to see my niece at the Rubin museum.

Around 3 pm, I started getting ready to meet my niece.  Although I took a little longer than usual to get ready, I was out the door by 5:10 pm, with an expected ETA at the museum of 7 pm.  Sadly, this was not to be.  At several points along my way, there were unexpected jams that made it impossible for me to conveniently reach Pelham for a train into NYC.  First, the Southbound Sprain Brook Parkway had a several mile backup leading to the Route 287 exit.  Once past the exit, it took several miles for traffic to resume highway speeds.  Once in Yonkers, traffic jammed up again, forcing me to bail at Tuckahoe road. So I decided to get on Route 87 - another mistake, as the exit for the Cross County Parkway was also backed up much more than usual.  Instead of a trip that gave me 15 minutes of wiggle room to reach the museum, I was running over 30 minutes late. When I finally reached Pelham, the 6:15 train had just left.  I had to wait for the 6:33, which itself was delayed getting into Grand Central.  It took 45 minutes to reach NYC, and another 20+ minutes on the Subway to reach the Rubin museum. 

My niece and I finally connected with each other about 45 minutes late - on a day that she was running an hour early.  At least, she was the one waiting on me for a change.  One thing we noted on this visit to the museum - it seemed as if there was less space being devoted to exhibits than usual.  But we still enjoyed the place, even though we were focusing more on our conversation than the art itself..

While walking around, we talked about many things.  One of these things was her family situation.  She was very uncomfortable thinking about it, so I dropped the topic as soon as I got the information I needed - it looks like my brother and my niece will be cooking for Thanksgiving this year.  So I'll have to do something for dessert.  (Maybe another batch of Chocolate Almond Brownies?)  What surprised me was that my sister in law might be there.  (I won't go into the reasons why I am surprised right now. Let's say that my brother didn't feel safe with her in the house a few weeks ago.)  Hopefully, I won't see her eldest son.  (He's a waste of genetic material, and offends me with his lack of basic intelligence.) I don't want to treat him with more respect than he deserves.

After we were done with the museum, we walked over to A Salt and Battery - a wonderful British style Fish and Chips place.  No atmosphere, but great fish.  And it was there that I talked about my situation with GFJ, as well as the situation with my former cruise partner that caused us to end our friendship.  My niece was shocked about this cruise partner's actions, having the same feelings that Vicki #1 had when I told her the full story. And my niece understood (in a different, but healthy way) why I had to disconnect from this woman and go on my own.  (My niece had to leave home for several years due to the insanity at home. As a result, she's not the kind of woman who'll put up with bullshit from anyone.)

All too soon, it was time to go home.  I accompanied her to Penn Station, where she caught a train home.  While I was on my train home, she texted me and told me how lucky she was.  The train after hers derailed as I remember her text, and all later trains were being backed up on the main line of the LIRR.  As for me, I had an uneventful trip to Pelham, and an uneventful drive home.

Chatting with my family.

I wish my real life family could have been like the Addams' Family.  They all were able to show love, manage their own lives, deal with adversity, and be their authentic selves.  Instead, we did not demonstrate love, were poor at managing our own lives, had a hard time dealing with adversity, and could not be our authentic selves.

- - - - - -

Today, I  spent the first half of the day doing nothing, then drove to Long Island to see my father.  This visit was much more rewarding than usual, as some family "secrets" were revealed that needed to be revealed.

I didn't get moving towards Long Island until 2:00 or so.  And my first stop was at Stew Leonard's to get lunch.  Normally, I'd pick up a fresh Lobster Roll and something to drink. But I thought the $3.99 Shrimp Roll special was good from Sunday through Wednesday, when it was only good on Tuesday this week. So I picked up a Pastrami wedge and finished it before continuing on my way. 

Normally, I'd have continued along Route 87 until I reached the Cross County Parkway, then headed South to either the Throggs Neck or Whitestone Bridge.  Instead, I made a major time-wasting decision - I decided to take the Triboro Bridge to Long Island, then the Grand Centrap Parkway to the Long Island Expressway to reach my dad's nursing home.  This more than doubled my time on the road, as I was stuck in traffic almost all the way to Roslyn.

When I got to my dad, we went downstairs to the lobby to chat for an hour. My dad gave me the heads up on what was happening in my brother's life.  Of course, I told him what was happening with me and GFJ.  Although there is no way that I'll tell my dad that I'm TG, I did say that some of the issues we're having have been there since the beginning of the relationship, and that others are communication related.  That was both true and protective of GFJ's privacy. Since my brother told me to call him when I was leaving my dad, I did so, and we agreed to meet at his office.  Originally, he thought we had enough time to get to Flushing for an Oriental dinner, but he had a 7:30 appointment he had to make.  So it was a quick dinner down the block from his office.

The first thing my brother did when we sat down to eat was to show me a video of a burning house.  Last night, around 1 am, his fire company rushed to a nearby house on fire and extinguished the fire before it burnt down the house.  He explained that the fire was in the basement, and if it was able to find a form of "chimney" for its burning gases to escape, the house would have had no chance of surviving.  Luckily, the firefighters were able to get in the house and drown the fire with (as he put it) less than a minute of margin.  Any later, and the fire would have escaped the basement and totalled the house.  Next, the two of us started talking about events in our lives.  My brother has family problems related to issues from two codependent addicts.  It is not pretty.  But it has allowed him to get to know his only daughter even better AND to enjoy the time he has left with her before she gets married and starts living in Europe.  All too early, dinner had to end, and I was back home in roughly 60 minutes.

Thinking about a friend's problems

Please note: I have edited a lot of the original information from this post, in order to respect the privacy of these individuals as much as I can.  However, the underlying problems are common to many families, as my brother's family is similar to the one discussed here.

- - - - - -

A while back, I participated in a three way phone call between me, JS, and her financial advisor.  If you could have seen JS over the past few days, she's been about a hair's breadth away from her own nervous breakdown.  And this is all because of a daughter who needs the help that her mother can no longer give.

First, some background:

• JS - A woman who turns 65 in a few weeks.  She is a widow of 12 years, has 2 adult children, lives in Connecticut, and has just taken a job in Brooklyn as a school principal. The school of which she's the principal has been mismanaged for years, and the board of directors wants her to clean the place up.
• ES - JS's daughter.  She is 20, has done poorly in the few college courses she has taken, and has been an albatross around her mom's neck.  She throws temper tantrums whenever her mom tries to steer her towards taking on responsibility. 
• FA - The financial advisor.  She's a CFA, and seeing her in action, I feel that she's giving JS good advice that JS is hesitant to act on.

JS barely has enough resources to retire, and she has been worrying about what will happen to her daughter if she pulls the ripcord and moves to Florida to retire.  Her daughter shows no signs of taking on any responsibility, avoids doing so after making commitments to do so, and will throw temper tantrums if one attempts to hold her accountable for her lack of success.

A therapist told JS that the best thing she could do for her daughter would be to "divorce" her.  She needed to hear this from more than one person she could trust. What can be done for ES when her mom moves to Florida?  What services are available to ES?  What remaining responsibilities does JS have, now that ES is legally an adult?  These are questions that must be addressed, and JS will need help to do so.

FA has figured out a way to extract enough money from JS's resources to allow her to enjoy retirement in Florida.  She also suggested that JS give ES an allowance to help bridge a gap between what ES may earn in a minimum wage job and what she'll need to pay her basic bills.  Loans may be taken from life insurance policies, money taken from annuities, and Social Security collected from her late husband's benefits.  FA is putting JS's needs first, over those of ES.  And this is the right thing to do.

- - - - - -

It will be a rocky path for JS and her family.  A mother's most important duty to her daughter is to see that her daughter can function without help from mom.  And if this means that the daughter is forever alienated from her mother, so be it.  Sadly, there is a dysfunctional codependency between mother and daughter.

I think that the daughter must be forced to grow up.  Does one keep enabling her as some people would suggest?  Or does one use "tough love" as her therapist and financial advisor would suggest?  I'd choose the latter and hope I'm right....