Saturday, March 20, 2021

It's a little depressing to think that one can't go home again.


It's strange.  Now that things are opening up again, I'm not really sure that I want to bother with most meetups anymore.  I think that last year's scuffle with the ex made me feel this way.

- - - - - -

The thing that 2020 taught me was that most people aren't worth knowing.  WDJ only cared about me when there was a little bit of gossip that I could share with her.  Once I had problems with the ex, she took the side of the ex - and that ended what friendship we had.  Luckily, I was never that close to WDJ, nor did I consider her someone worth staying in contact with during the worst of the pandemic.

Unfortunately, my feelings about the pandemic, the ex and our overlapping circle of acquaintances discourages me from wanting to resume connections with these people. I simply don't feel I'd enjoy getting together with them anymore - I'm looking to build better friendships than I've been able to build with the folks from these groups.  Sometimes, I ask - is it me?  But I think it's something different - if one is a square peg, the round hole won't accept you.

- - - - - -

It's a little depressing to think that one can't go home again, but that's the way I feel.  I lost way too much just before and during the pandemic to want to revisit people and places that once brought me happiness.  Instead, I want to find people, places, and things which have much more meaning to me.  For example, it'd be nice if I could build a new friendship with the ex.  No, I don't want romance - that involves communication, negotiation, and compromise: three things we couldn't do with each other that well.  Sadly for her, her inability to be assertive in seeing that her needs were met made it impossible for me to address her needs.  I can still remember her asking: "Did you want for me to be bitchy?"  What she didn't recognize was that there is a different between being abusive/aggressive and being assertive.  I wanted her to tell me what she felt, what she needed, and suggest ways we could address those needs.  I would have been there for her if she communicated her needs to me in ways that I could understand. But that's water under the bridge.  I still like her, so I figure it worth the effort to see if we can be good friends instead of just chat buddies.

I won't rehash what the ex did to me right now, as I figure that I might have hurt her just as much in different ways.   I hurt my former cruise partner (FCP) even worse without intending to do so. But when someone demands something of me without leaving me some wiggle room for my needs, I fight back.  There are things I miss about her, and things I don't miss.  Given how badly she probably feels about me now, I know I will never hear from her again.  But then, she can be a vindictive person, so it's best to avoid someone who can be so destructive when set off.

In many ways, FCP and the ex are opposite sides of the same coin.  I feel that neither knows how to communicate, negotiate, and compromise that well.  Neither has had a "successful" marriage. And neither wants what we had in the past.  Due to the pandemic, I don't miss that past that much, as I wasted much of my time in superficial relationships with people.

- - - - - -

The pandemic caused me to think a lot about the things I want from the rest of my life.  And I want the emotional closeness that true friends can share.  In regard to romance, it'd be nice to have someone who cares for me willing to share my space once in a while.  But unless I can find someone who can deal with the two sides of my nature, I doubt I'll be successful in this area. 

With the above being said, I was talking with Vicki tonight and she had her thoughts on the Ex and with FCP.  She may be right.  There are many good things that can be said about the Ex, but she was unable to deal with my TG nature.  Vicki never let go of her anger towards the ex for treating me the way she did.  Regarding FCP, she sees nothing good in this person, and admonished me to NEVER reconcile with her - even for a distant friendship.  Since there's less than a snowball's chance in hell for the friendship to resume with FCP, I have no worries in this regard. 

PS: I had another message exchange with the Ex tonight.  I won't go into details, but from how I read things, she is afraid that seeing me will trigger her feelings for me again.  She doesn't have to worry about that....


Friday, March 19, 2021

I never seem to be able to check everything off my lists....


Here I am again with the old standby image of me thinking.  Today's post isn't going to be that long.  Instead, it's mostly of things I need and things I need to get done.

- - - - - -

When I got into work, I started making a list of people I needed to contact and things I needed to get done.  Of course, it expanded a little to include things I needed to buy.  I did this in between the work I was doing, as it was a way to stay awake when things were going slowly.

First was a list of 10 people to contact.  Some were reachable with quick emails, and others would need a quick phone call.  One of these calls would be to determine weekend plans, and the other would be where we'd have dinner tomorrow night. Next was picking up a book from the local library.  I have to do this after work, and I can only get there on time two nights each week.  (Today was one of these late days.) Then, I had to order my makeup from a theatrical supply house, as my beard cover is running out. And then I had to deal with paperwork needed to claim my share of my late dad's IRA.  After all of this, I had my Thursday night zoom meeting with my friends from Texas.

No matter what I did, I can never get everything on my list done.  But that's OK with me.  It's a target.

- - - - - -

So I close out today's post with a simple question:

 Given the above fire hydrant, would it be legal to park in front of it? 
I can't help but think: "Yes!"  My friend Vicki says: "NO."

But what about the same hydrant without its control valve being anywhere near the pipe?

Thursday, March 18, 2021

Hump Day - If people didn't, we wouldn't.

This is not my current ID card.  There's a part of me that still wishes I had the nursing home receptionist gig.  It didn't pay as well as I'm being paid now, but I had more of a chance to socialize with people.  And that's one of the reasons this trans woman wants to be in the workforce.

- - - - - - 

Recently, Rhonda posted an entry on her blog about her life as a transgender person.  Like Rhonda, I feel that my body defines me less as a woman than the social life I want to lead.  (Read her post - I think you'll enjoy it..) When people don't know that I am transgender, they usually take me for a cisgender woman.  And that's the way I like it when presenting as a female.

When I got home from work today, I tried to reach a couple of friends who were not able to talk when I called.  So I tried reaching out to my new friend in NYC from the other night, and we had a great chat.  Hopefully, we'll be able to meet soon, now that the pandemic is starting to wane and it is slowly becoming safe to meet people in person at restaurants again.  Given that my new friend is 77 years old and has had both of her vaccinations, it's no risk to her if we meet.  So I may just schedule something for sometime soon....

Sadly, our chat had to end when my Wednesday night zoom games meetup started - and that lasted a little longer than usual.  It was a small group tonight, and we had fun.  Hopefully, we'll have more people next week....

Wednesday, March 17, 2021

I woke up early with a strange thought about the recent past


I woke up earlier than I wanted, and was thinking of my recent past.  When I was married, I worried about a big argument that would cause the relationship to break up.  We never had that argument, and I don't think we had a solid marriage because the marriage never could be stress tested.

Why is my marriage of over 20 years ago important?  Well, the flaw in that relationship provides information about the flaws that cause my most recent relationship to fail.  Yes, being transgender was part of it. But never once did my ex decide to challenge me.  She tried to accommodate me instead of advocating for her needs.  We never argued until the relationship was over.  In one part of the argument, she asked: "Did you want me to be bitchy?"  Recently, as a result of a social skills seminar I attended, I realized that I wanted her to be more assertive in expressing her needs and wants.  She could have had the limits on my outings as Marian if she had asked, but never once did she think she could ask this of me.  She gave up on the relationship before even "fighting" for her needs in the relationship.  Hopefully, she'll be more assertive in her next relationship.

There is a difference in what is needed between a friendship and a romantic relationship.  In a friendship, one doesn't have to get as close as one does in a romantic relationship.  This means one can go for years without an argument and still have a strong friendship.  But in a romantic relationship, one has to be open enough to risk being hurt by one's love. Sometimes, that hurt will happen and both parties will need time to recover from the pain.  And then, after the ensuing arguments (if lucky and skilled) be able to come back to each other, knowing that the other person can be trusted to be there for support when needed.

Given the difference between the two types of relationships, my ex was far from ready for a romantic relationship when she knew me - she wasn't a good advocate for her position in the relationship when under stress.  She was ready for a friendship.  And that's what I'd want if we could rebuild some bridges. Hopefully, she will understand this and trust that I wouldn't betray the friendship.

- - - - - -

Now that I've started to digest some of what's in my subconsciousness, let me shift to affairs of the day....

My day at work passed quickly with only one incident - I forgot my lunch at home.  This meant that I had to spend an extra $20 to take care of delivery to the office.  Before I started my drive, I contacted the folks at the firm holding my dad's IRA to find out what the delay is with my paperwork.  Seems as if their office is closed due to Covid-19, and they are operating at half staff in remote mode.  AARGH!  I could use that extra money now.

As soon as I got home, I had to rush to have a bite to eat before the main part of our co-op board meeting started.  It is one of those nights where a lot of things were said, and little was done.  Too bad that I can't just bail and catch up on my social affairs.  So I was stuck in the meeting until the end - almost 5 hours later.  And that gave me just enough time to wind down before trying to get some shut eye....






Tuesday, March 16, 2021

I skipped out on one meetup to go to another, and found a friend.


First, I have to start out by mentioning that I was thinking of my ex girlfriend today.  My thought process brought me to think that everything about her and her dealings with me reflected an inner ambivalence that only she can resolve for herself.  My issue is that I should pay more attention to "The Dude", and less to people who have no clue about what has gone on in my life over the past couple of years.

- - - - - -

After work, I was supposed to drive out to Norwalk to meet with the Fun Time Friends.  Given that I'm a little bit low on cash, I figured that I'd bail out on this dinner.  Instead, I went home to join in a Zoom meetup geared to help a new firm sell its self improvement courses.

Before the zoom meetup started, I called YGM to say hello.  We hadn't chatted in a long while, and she's happy ensconced in Florida. However, I think she believes the governor's BS that people are flocking to that state because it never fully shut down for the pandemic.  There is an advantage in being young and healthy enough to consider catching the virus an acceptable medical risk.  As for me, I take the risk, but can't wait until I can get vaccinated.

There were about 50 of us in the meetup, and the skills covered in the session were valuable - especially if exercised early and often.  Most importantly, I may have found a new friend from Manhattan.  Like me, she was laid off after a long career - and we exchanged phone numbers.  Hopefully, the two of us ladies can get together soon and get to know each other better.

- - - - - -

I could talk about missing a phone call with TCL.  But the two of us will catch up on things tomorrow.  I could talk about tomorrow's co-op board meeting.  But I can't talk about any of the substance, so this would be boring.  And I could talk about Vicki and her being too busy to chat.  But we can catch up on things tomorrow.  About the only thing I will mention that my friend Vanessa's skin cancer was successfully removed, and that the plastic surgeon will be monitoring her care until the grafts on her foot have healed.









Monday, March 15, 2021

I hate it when a good product leaves the shelves


This is the brand of makeup cleaning wipes I will soon be using.  It's not because I want to use their product.  Instead, it's because Walmart is no longer carrying their store brand equivalent to this product.

Unlike many people, I tend to buy my beauty supplies in batches large enough to last at least a couple of months or more.  In the case of my beard cover and contouring makeup, I tend to buy a year's supply from a theatrical supply house.  Given the pandemic, I should place a new order soon, now that I have a job.  They probably need the business.  But I digress.

One of the problems many TG's have with makeup is its removal.  Many of us still have to deal with beard stubble at the end of the day, and I am no exception.  Using baby wipes is a great option for cisgender women, as they have no stubble to deal with.  But that's not a great option for us, as these wipes tend to break down when they encounter the least amount of stubble.  However, the stronger material used in exfoliating wipes seems to do the trick for me, and I find that the extra cost involved in buying these wipes is made up for by using less wipes to get my face clean.

Recently, I decided to look up Walmart's store brand to see if these wipes were still available. And only one store had them in stock - behind a display counter that is normally locked. Since they were not on a convenient shelf display, people overlooked 6 packages of these (probably) discontinued wipes.  Guess who snapped them up on her way to see a friend?

I figure that each package has 60 wipes.  6 packages contain 360 wipes.  Used wisely, this is almost a full year's supply.  If Walmart resumes selling these wipes, I will buy them when they are on the shelves.  If not, I'll buy the Simple brand found at the top of the page - and pay twice as much as I've been paying for Walmart's wipes.  Or, I might just buy a few more cloth face cloths and use them with a good facial cleanser as I once did when first presenting as a female.






Sunday, March 14, 2021



I'm glad that I can still go to the auto shop in male mode.  Women still get talked down to when dealing with automobile issues, and I can't blame some men for doing so.  Women have been discouraged from taking an interest in mechanical things, and many get confused when the simplest of mechanical issues are explained to them.  As for me, I admit that I take care of male privilege when I can. But as long as I live on both sides of the gender line, I'll take advantage of this privilege as long as I can do so.

- - - - - -

Waking up at 6 am doesn't come easy to me most days. Yet, I've been waking up early for work when I'd rather be awakened by my alarm.  Today, when the alarm was set for 8 am, I was awake 2 hours earlier.  Yet, I still didn't get to Mavis until a smidgen after 11 for an oil change and tire rotation.  

Having asked the mechanic to look at my brakes while rotating the tires, I expected to get hit by a "big" bill.  I didn't expect that I would need to plan for two big bills.  Although my rotors are still good, they will likely need to be replaced when I next replace the brake pads.  The more important problem was the front struts. The struts were original equipment, and were starting to fail.  So I OK'd their replacement.  About 2 hours and $850 later, I was out the door and ready to go home for an hour's rest before driving to see FH.

- - - - - -

While at Mavis, I got to thinking: How much further along this road do I want to travel?  I've lost a girlfriend because of being TG, and she (directly or indirectly) got me blackballed from at least one social group in the region.  Could things get worse for me if I go any further?  Who knows?  All I know is that I lost someone I cared about because of her excessive  fears.  What could someone else's irrational or excessive fear do to me in the future?  I'm not sure if I want to find out.

Was she dead or alive? Inquiring minds wanted to know.

  I hadn't seen Pat in months, and I haven't been able to reach her by voice or text.  Given that she's 84 years old, I figured ...