About Me



I have been attracted to the feminine things in life since I was a child. When I was young, I learned to jump rope and play hopscotch with the girls on my block. I dreamed of being able to wear the clothes I saw women wearing in old movies on TV. Alas, this was denied to me simply because I was born a boy.

This urge to explore femininity did not go away at puberty. Although my body changed on the outside, the soul inside was unchanged. Yet, I was able to function as a male throughout adolescence, there was always a part of me that felt uncomfortable with masculinity. And I couldn't put a finger on what the problem was at the time.

Of course, there were many other problems in my life that I had to deal with. I had an emotionally abusive mother, and a father who could not defend me - as he lacked the skills to do so. As a result, my intellectual development up to adulthood took a very unusual path, and it allowed me to skip several grades of school, yet be seriously behind my peers in emotional development.

As I reached adulthood, I repressed my urges to explore femininity out of embarrassment. "What would people think of me?" was one of many questions that I worried about - even after I was living on my own. I was lucky to have married a wife that tolerated my wishes to wear silky things. Her one demand was not to wear this on our wedding night. Sadly, she passed away after 11+ years of marriage, and I was left to muddle through on my own. Luckily, I then had a well-paying career, and the resources to buy whatever I wanted from wherever I wanted.

Like many cross-dressers, I would buy things from catalogs, and from womens' stores, saying they are gifts for my girl friend. But I was always afraid to take the next step and go out on my own. Over the years, I collected way too much lingerie - more than I'd ever need, and not enough useful items to wear with a natal women's casual wardrobe.

Shortly before 9/11/01, my repressed anger reached a breaking point, and I was told to get help - or I would eventually be dismissed from my firm. I realized this was the right thing to do, and I was lucky to have had an unconventional therapist contact me when I needed his help. (I have not discussed gender issues with him, nor do I intend to. That's another story for another day.) And over the years, I was able to get this monster under control and keep it from hurting myself and others needlessly.

In 2011, I decided to take one of the trips of a lifetime, and flew out to San Francisco to return to New York via a transcontinental train ride across the Rockies. While in the Bay Area, I decided to wear only clothing that I got from the women's side of the aisle. No one would know me out there, so it was a low risk way of breaking the ice in wearing women's clothes out in the open. I decided to push the envelope even more, and went to a woman's clothing store saying I am buying the clothes for myself. The saleslady confirmed my belief that I could get away with wearing anything in San Francisco - and I did for the next 2 days. Although the return trip ended up being rerouted through LA, bypassing Denver due to a track outage, I was hooked. I had to go back to San Francisco and see how I'd react if I were out and about as a female, save for the first and last days there.

So, the next year, I returned to San Francisco, and toured the city as a female until the day I left. Even when I openly outed myself, no one gave much of a hoot. I was hooked! When I reached Chicago, it was off with the pants and on with the dresses for a couple of days. At this point, I knew I had to do more - so I scheduled half a week at Fantasia Fair and had a ball! I met like minded people, learned a lot on how to perfect my feminine presentation.

Then, in 2013, I took my first cruise en-femme, and sailed from New York to Canada (and back).  For the entire 7 day cruise, I was Marian (save when I had to show formal paperwork identifying me as Mario) and had a blast. The lady at the check-in counter even complimented me on my nails!  You then should have seen the customs agent looking at me and my passport as I reentered the United States - my masculine voice was the proof that I was the person associated with that passport.  You can only imagine what was going on in his head after seeing me!

Since then, I've been out and about en-femme without much of a care. People in my co-op complex have seen me en-femme, and don't give a hoot. I socialize en-femme, and focus on perfecting my feminine presentation. Several friends who knew me in male mode now accept me in female mode, and even prefer me this way - it's easier for them to have a complete friendship when I'm seen as one of the gals.

Recently, I've traveled to Hawaii for a 10-day cruisetour, with nothing with me that could identify me as a male, save for my legal ID and my electric razor. Yes, I got some looks from people. But I was always treated with respect - especially when I needed help from airline personnel.

In many ways, my life has gone full circle. I started off socializing mostly with females, and now I'm doing the same - as a member of their peer group.  I love it! Who knows what the next chapters of my life will bring? But I know that my innate femininity will be a part of it....


2 comments:

Marie Anne Greene said...

WONDERFUL ARTICLE.. NICEY WRITTEN AND TOALLY HONEST IN STYLE . FEEL LIKE I COULD ENJOY YOUR COMPANY ANS WE WOULD HAVE MANY THINGS IN COMMON AND CRUISING IS ONE OF THEM. MANY CRUSES BUT NONE IN MARIE MODE... NEED SOME GUIDANCE. HAVE a Large wardrobe And keep adding to it.
When I see something that strikes my fancy I usually surcome to the urge to acquire it. IT adds to my self validation of being at least parially female in feelings, tastes and looks.
Have several CIS women who know me in both roles and fully accept me and are open to giving me advise and support in making my presentation fully feminie.

Best of luck on the journey.... Marie Anne Greene
PS I recognize all your New York geogrophy,, the
Hudson River Valley, Manhatten, the subway system as I grew up in all those envrons until I left at age 20 to see a few spots around the globe.
Have Fun And Enjoy Life.
Marie Anne Greene

Marian said...

So where do you live now? Depending on where you live and where you are going, traveling en-femme can be quite easy or quite risky. I'm going on a cruise soon, and I'll be asking the authorities there (in person) whether the information from their tourism office is correct before I go there the next time dressed as Marian.

You can always send me a Private Message for more info.

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