I
have been attracted to the feminine things in life since I was a child.
When I was young, I learned to jump rope and play hopscotch with the
girls on my block. I dreamed of being able to wear the clothes I saw
women wearing in old movies on TV. Alas, this was denied to me simply
because I was born a boy.
This
urge to explore femininity did not go away at puberty. Although my body
changed on the outside, the soul inside was unchanged. Yet, I was able
to function as a male throughout adolescence, there was always a part of
me that felt uncomfortable with masculinity. And I couldn't put a
finger on what the problem was at the time.
Of
course, there were many other problems in my life that I had to deal
with. I had an emotionally abusive mother, and a father who could not
defend me - as he lacked the skills to do so. As a result, my
intellectual development up to adulthood took a very unusual path, and
it allowed me to skip several grades of school, yet be seriously behind
my peers in emotional development.
As
I reached adulthood, I repressed my urges to explore femininity out of
embarrassment. "What would people think of me?" was one of many
questions that I worried about - even after I was living on my own. I
was lucky to have married a wife that tolerated my wishes to wear silky
things. Her one demand was not to wear this on our wedding night. Sadly,
she passed away after 11+ years of marriage, and I was left to muddle
through on my own. Luckily, I then had a well-paying career, and the
resources to buy whatever I wanted from wherever I wanted.
Like
many cross-dressers, I would buy things from catalogs, and from womens'
stores, saying they are gifts for my girl friend. But I was always
afraid to take the next step and go out on my own. Over the years, I
collected way too much lingerie - more than I'd ever need, and not
enough useful items to wear with a natal women's casual wardrobe.
Shortly
before 9/11/01, my repressed anger reached a breaking point, and I was
told to get help - or I would eventually be dismissed from my firm. I
realized this was the right thing to do, and I was lucky to have had an
unconventional therapist contact me when I needed his help. (I have not
discussed gender issues with him, nor do I intend to. That's another
story for another day.) And over the years, I was able to get this
monster under control and keep it from hurting myself and others
needlessly.
In
2011, I decided to take one of the trips of a lifetime, and flew out to
San Francisco to return to New York via a transcontinental train ride
across the Rockies. While in the Bay Area, I decided to wear only
clothing that I got from the women's side of the aisle. No one would
know me out there, so it was a low risk way of breaking the ice in
wearing women's clothes out in the open. I decided to push the envelope
even more, and went to a woman's clothing store saying I am buying the
clothes for myself. The saleslady confirmed my belief that I could get
away with wearing anything in San Francisco - and I did for the next 2
days. Although the return trip ended up being rerouted through LA,
bypassing Denver due to a track outage, I was hooked. I had to go back
to San Francisco and see how I'd react if I were out and about as a
female, save for the first and last days there.
So,
the next year, I returned to San Francisco, and toured the city as a
female until the day I left. Even when I openly outed myself, no one
gave much of a hoot. I was hooked! When I reached Chicago, it was off
with the pants and on with the dresses for a couple of days. At this
point, I knew I had to do more - so I scheduled half a week at Fantasia
Fair and had a ball! I met like minded people, learned a lot on how to
perfect my feminine presentation.
Then, in 2013, I took my first cruise en-femme, and sailed from New York to Canada (and back). For the entire 7 day cruise, I was Marian (save when I had to show
formal paperwork identifying me as Mario) and had a blast. The lady at the check-in counter even complimented me on my nails! You then should
have seen the customs agent looking at me and my passport as I reentered
the United States - my masculine voice was the proof that I was the person associated with that passport. You can only imagine what was going on in his head after seeing me!
Since
then, I've been out and about en-femme without much of a care. People
in my co-op complex have seen me en-femme, and don't give a hoot. I
socialize en-femme, and focus on perfecting my feminine presentation.
Several friends who knew me in male mode now accept me in female mode,
and even prefer me this way - it's easier for them to have a complete
friendship when I'm seen as one of the gals.
Recently, I've traveled to Hawaii for a
10-day cruisetour, with nothing with me that could identify me as a
male, save for my legal ID and my electric razor. Yes, I got some looks from people. But I was always treated with respect - especially when I needed help from airline personnel.
In
many ways, my life has gone full circle. I started off socializing
mostly with females, and now I'm doing the same - as a member of their
peer group. I love it! Who knows what the next chapters of my life
will bring? But I know that my innate femininity will be a part of
it....
No comments:
Post a Comment