I
have been attracted to the feminine things in life since I was a child.
When I was young, I learned to jump rope and play hopscotch with the
girls on my block. I dreamed of being able to wear the clothes I saw
women wearing in old movies on TV. Alas, this was denied to me simply
because I was born a boy.
This
urge to explore femininity did not go away at puberty. Although my body
changed on the outside, the soul inside was unchanged. Yet, I was able
to function as a male throughout adolescence, there was always a part of
me that felt uncomfortable with masculinity. And I couldn't put a
finger on what the problem was at the time.
Of
course, there were many other problems in my life that I had to deal
with. I had an emotionally abusive mother, and a father who could not
defend me - as he lacked the skills to do so. As a result, my
intellectual development up to adulthood took a very unusual path, and
it allowed me to skip several grades of school, yet be seriously behind
my peers in emotional development.
As
I reached adulthood, I repressed my urges to explore femininity out of
embarrassment. "What would people think of me?" was one of many
questions that I worried about - even after I was living on my own. I
was lucky to have married a wife that tolerated my wishes to wear silky
things. Her one demand was not to wear this on our wedding night. Sadly,
she passed away after 11+ years of marriage, and I was left to muddle
through on my own. Luckily, I then had a well-paying career, and the
resources to buy whatever I wanted from wherever I wanted.
Like
many cross-dressers, I would buy things from catalogs, and from womens'
stores, saying they are gifts for my girl friend. But I was always
afraid to take the next step and go out on my own. Over the years, I
collected way too much lingerie - more than I'd ever need, and not
enough useful items to wear with a natal women's casual wardrobe.
Shortly
before 9/11/01, my repressed anger reached a breaking point, and I was
told to get help - or I would eventually be dismissed from my firm. I
realized this was the right thing to do, and I was lucky to have had an
unconventional therapist contact me when I needed his help. (I have not
discussed gender issues with him, nor do I intend to. That's another
story for another day.) And over the years, I was able to get this
monster under control and keep it from hurting myself and others
needlessly.
In
2011, I decided to take one of the trips of a lifetime, and flew out to
San Francisco to return to New York via a transcontinental train ride
across the Rockies. While in the Bay Area, I decided to wear only
clothing that I got from the women's side of the aisle. No one would
know me out there, so it was a low risk way of breaking the ice in
wearing women's clothes out in the open. I decided to push the envelope
even more, and went to a woman's clothing store saying I am buying the
clothes for myself. The saleslady confirmed my belief that I could get
away with wearing anything in San Francisco - and I did for the next 2
days. Although the return trip ended up being rerouted through LA,
bypassing Denver due to a track outage, I was hooked. I had to go back
to San Francisco and see how I'd react if I were out and about as a
female, save for the first and last days there.
So,
the next year, I returned to San Francisco, and toured the city as a
female until the day I left. Even when I openly outed myself, no one
gave much of a hoot. I was hooked! When I reached Chicago, it was off
with the pants and on with the dresses for a couple of days. At this
point, I knew I had to do more - so I scheduled half a week at Fantasia
Fair and had a ball! I met like minded people, learned a lot on how to
perfect my feminine presentation.
Then, in 2013, I took my first cruise en-femme, and sailed from New York to Canada (and back). For the entire 7 day cruise, I was Marian (save when I had to show
formal paperwork identifying me as Mario) and had a blast. The lady at the check-in counter even complimented me on my nails! You then should
have seen the customs agent looking at me and my passport as I reentered
the United States - my masculine voice was the proof that I was the person associated with that passport. You can only imagine what was going on in his head after seeing me!
Since
then, I've been out and about en-femme without much of a care. People
in my co-op complex have seen me en-femme, and don't give a hoot. I
socialize en-femme, and focus on perfecting my feminine presentation.
Several friends who knew me in male mode now accept me in female mode,
and even prefer me this way - it's easier for them to have a complete
friendship when I'm seen as one of the gals.
Recently, I've traveled to Hawaii for a
10-day cruisetour, with nothing with me that could identify me as a
male, save for my legal ID and my electric razor. Yes, I got some looks from people. But I was always treated with respect - especially when I needed help from airline personnel.
In
many ways, my life has gone full circle. I started off socializing
mostly with females, and now I'm doing the same - as a member of their
peer group. I love it! Who knows what the next chapters of my life
will bring? But I know that my innate femininity will be a part of
it....
2 comments:
WONDERFUL ARTICLE.. NICEY WRITTEN AND TOALLY HONEST IN STYLE . FEEL LIKE I COULD ENJOY YOUR COMPANY ANS WE WOULD HAVE MANY THINGS IN COMMON AND CRUISING IS ONE OF THEM. MANY CRUSES BUT NONE IN MARIE MODE... NEED SOME GUIDANCE. HAVE a Large wardrobe And keep adding to it.
When I see something that strikes my fancy I usually surcome to the urge to acquire it. IT adds to my self validation of being at least parially female in feelings, tastes and looks.
Have several CIS women who know me in both roles and fully accept me and are open to giving me advise and support in making my presentation fully feminie.
Best of luck on the journey.... Marie Anne Greene
PS I recognize all your New York geogrophy,, the
Hudson River Valley, Manhatten, the subway system as I grew up in all those envrons until I left at age 20 to see a few spots around the globe.
Have Fun And Enjoy Life.
Marie Anne Greene
So where do you live now? Depending on where you live and where you are going, traveling en-femme can be quite easy or quite risky. I'm going on a cruise soon, and I'll be asking the authorities there (in person) whether the information from their tourism office is correct before I go there the next time dressed as Marian.
You can always send me a Private Message for more info.
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