Sunday, July 19, 2020

Did someone try to play games with me? You Bet!

Please note: This entry was started over two weeks before you are seeing this....  Things have changed since it was started, and I have edited out some of the stuff which no longer needs to be said.

As I've mentioned here, XGFJ and I have had a strange relationship.  We no longer see or talk to each other by phone. But we have communicated online.  Unfortunately, much of the communication came from XGFJ's revulsion at the idea of seeing me in female mode.

Towards the end of June, the organizer of the Mid Hudson Valley dining group meetup decided to step down without a replacement organizer.  I commented on XGFJ's announcement that she would like to attend my group's dinner, saying that it is a nice group and that we don't bite.  Totally innocuous, if I say so myself.  And then,  I wished XGFJ to have a nice lunch with the HV Live Music meetup group, and XGFJ got livid!  She blamed me for the demise of the MHV Dining group, claiming that I was pestering its organizer.  (If a polite request given 3 months ago could be the straw that broke the camel's back, then I have a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you.)  She also claimed that that she had made a mistake, thinking that she had signed up for dinner with the Live Music group when she signed up for dinner with my group, claiming that she was pulling out of having dinner with the group.  (I don't buy this one bit, as our mutual friend "suddenly" had a new work schedule which kept her busy on Tuesday and Wednesday nights during July, and bailed out of dinner.)

The next day, I found out the truth of why the MHV dining group was shutting down - the organizer kicked out 17 people who complained about the group being closed to newcomers during the pandemic AND that others had expressed their opinions on this as well.  The (former) organizer is a little bit of a control freak, and didn't like having her authority challenged, from what I found out from my sources.  I now had proof that XGFJ was lying me - nothing anymore she could say to me would have any value.  When I mentioned to this source that there was someone in the MHV group who detested my presence (not mentioning that I am transgender), she said that this person should fuck him/herself, and that I should go to any gathering I want. 

Considering that I had never been allowed to enter the MHV dining group, I had a chat with the former organizer.  This is where I found out that XGFJ had blackballed me, so that she could avoid seeing me.  To me, this wasn't a big deal.  But outing me to several people was.  XGFJ betrayed me - I was outed to at least two (or more) people.  So after a late night exchange of messages, I told her that "she lost."  A day later, I decided to explain tings and sent the last communication I expect to have with XGFJ. I apologized for my part in destroying what was left of our friendship, and noted that if she had been willing to negotiate access to the meetup groups, neither of us would be angry with each other and that we'd be exactly where we are now, feeling good about each other. 

In regard to our mutual friend, I found it interesting that when I made an offer to take her on one of my rail trail walks, that she had a scheduling issue.  The reality of what happened is in her later communication with me - she wanted to make sure I say nothing about XGFJ if we meet.  Obviously, she values XGFJ's friendship more than getting together with me.  Even though I promised that I wouldn't talk about XGFJ if we meet, I doubt that we will have our birthday drink, as she knows her July schedule, but won't give me any open dates.  Since I haven't seen her in 5 years, it's no great loss.  It just would have been nice to get together for that drink.

As Vicki and I see it, XGFJ may have accepted occasional cross-dressing from me, as long as she could see it as "a guy in a dress".  Once my female persona became real to her, she had to leave - she couldn't accept being with a person who was bi-gendered.  Vicki and I agree on this, as XGFJ has shown an extreme aversion to seeing me in female form at any time. This is funny, as XGFJ once said that I should be proud of what I accomplished.  Since more people accept me than not in either presentation, and that XGFJ is out of my life, I should focus on making my feminine presentation as real as possible.

The other day, XGFJ responded to an email I wrote to her.  (See my last entry.)  I found it interesting that many of her comments were related to problems she had with me in our former relationship.  Why didn't she make things clear?  Vicki believes that just hinting at problems is not enough for me to see the seriousness of those issues.  Since Vicki and I have been friends for over 20 years, I tend to believe her over someone like XGFJ.  In many ways, I dodged a bullet.  I could be in a relationship with someone with whom I'd have to ration my time in female presentation.  But I could not be in a relationship with someone who can not make her needs understood or known to me.  For example, XGFJ complained in her email about me not helping her in the kitchen at her place.  What she never understood is that if I never entered another kitchen again, it'd be too soon.  I don't enjoy the process of cooking.  I barely can deal with the process of heating up food.  But I would enter a kitchen and help if asked.  Those requests rarely, if ever, came.  At least, I know some of the things to watch out for in a possible future relationship I may have.

I hope that one day, XGFJ and I will come in contact at some future meeting.  Will she immediately leave the meeting because I'm there?  Who knows?  But I am not going to be somewhere just because she's there.  She hasn't been a friend in many months, nor does she show any interest in being a friend.  If I am wrong, she'll have to be more open about it, as I have never been good at reading minds. 

An early dinner with a friend

  Last night, I mentioned to Pat that I wish I could have been born a cisgender female who looked like this when younger.  If I were younger...