For auld acquaintance be forgot....

 

In a way, this post is a birthday card to a former friend, and commentary on peaceful communications that have taken place over the past few months.....

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I have mentioned my former cruise partner in many a post, and wish we had found a way to bridge the gulf between us. Sadly, this did not happen.  A few months ago, she wrote me an email to say that she was glad that I have a solid relationship with RQS.  In the past week or so, she wrote me in regard to weight loss.  No, I don't think it's an attempt to rekindle a friendship.  To do that, she'd have to send me an email and suggest getting together over coffee (or something similar). But I do appreciate the communication, and wanted to wish her a Happy Birthday today, as I know that she reads this blog now and then.

There are friends of mine that I haven't seen in years.  One of which was the best man at my wedding. What I found interesting was that before he encamped to Florida a decade ago, he gifted me a top of the line, fully loaded iPad which I still use today.  Yet, he makes no effort to initiate contact with me.  Until recently, I didn't even have a phone number for him.  Still, I miss him very much.

Other friends are the types who are transitional in nature.  One of these friends (JS) was a woman who was very needy and destroyed her security for the sake of her children.  She had virtually no home equity when I met her, and she didn't have a good plan for her retirement.  Before she encamped to Florida, she had taken a job as a principal of a girl's school in Coney Island while living in Ridgefield, CT.  It was an unsustainable commute for her, and one which was destroying her health and her car's life.  Even her (then) financial advisor had to "read her the riot act" to get this woman's attention, and still, she didn't listen.  She now lives in Florida, is caught up in the MAGA cult, and is oblivious to reality.  I mention her, simply because she was a catalyst for trouble, and whoever tried to help her ended up having to abandon her because of her self destructive actions.

It is much harder to develop closeness as one gets older.  And I have lost several close friends over the years, friends I once could call on (when needed) for favors.  Some of my current friends will do these favors for me (such as driving me to/from a colonoscopy, etc.), but only if it works with their schedules.  It's not the same as when I was married, and could count on my wife to be there for me.  (I still miss her after 27 years.) But I've made do, by searching for a new love and finding one in RQS.  It's just a damned shame that she can't drive.  Yet, nobody's perfect.

As I get older, the more I realize that real wealth is the quality of friendships that one has.  And I am very grateful for the ones who are in my life....

It was my first full weekend without GFJ, and I wanted someone special to be with....

 

t was the day after Xmas and GFJ dropped her bombshell.  I couldn't say that it was completely unexpected.  But 5-6 years after leaving her husband, 1 year after her divorce, GFJ started to think about what she wanted in her life in the future.  I was just a place holder until she was ready to start thinking carefully about what she'll do for the rest of her life.

When I got home, I said some very stupid things, and I knew she had to be upset from her style of texting on the other side of the connection.  So we both decided to break away for the evening, and we connected once for a very short exchange of texts - she was still hurt and still processing her feelings.  In a way this was good - she couldn't say what she needed to say in person, and I got the chance to accidentally vent before thinking about what I was saying.  We both were hurting, and in the end, it's a good thing, as it forces us to look at any friendship we will have from a different perspective.

The big thing that frustrates me is - she knew what I am going into our relationship, and kept going with me for as long as she did.  If it was love she had, she did not give me a chance to know something was wrong when I could have slowed down my journey towards being Marian. And I had opened up my heart enough to hurt a bit when she dropped her bombshell.

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On Friday, other than the short message exchange, I did nothing all day.  If it weren't for bathroom visits and the need to eat, I'd have stayed in bed all day.  This didn't mean I slept all day.  Instead, I was reading a book due back to the library on Saturday - Good Economics for Hard Times.  It's an easily readable book that examines why people do not act as pure economic models expect they'd act.

When I looked at my face in the mirror during one of my bathroom visits, I noticed a few black hairs over my upper lip.  This means I will consider going to the laser place again to get a quick zapping for these hairs.  While looking at my face, I noticed some facial dark spots from where I had the dermatologist remove the big liver spots from my face.  Since I can no longer contact my former cruise partner and ask her for a little bit of information, I guess that I'll have to do without a long delayed follow-up visit to this doctor.  (Maybe I can call the practice in Mt. Kisco and find out whether the dermatologist on staff is the same man that I saw several years ago.  Any ideas from my readers?)

Since the news is so depressing these days, I couldn't bear to watch most of the movies on cable.  The TV Westerns have started to bore me a little.  So, for noise, I've left the shopping channel on, listening to the ladies selling women's clothing.  If you want truly forgettable media on TV, this is the stuff for you. Advertising 24x7, 363 days/year.  The only 2 days the channel isn't selling things are Thanksgiving and Christmas.   You can guess how much of a funk I was in....

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Saturday came, and I ended up barely eating anything during the day.  JS had contacted me, suggesting that we go to a movie - and I said OK.  She's feeling a bit down.  Her daughter is off her meds and needs serious help.  Her son needs to find work.  And she's killing herself with a job way too far from home.

Late last night, I sent a simple, short apology to GFJ for what I said to her the other night in that message exchange.  I haven't heard from her yet, and I doubt that I will hear from her anytime soon.  Thinking a little more about the past few months with her, I feel that she was more threatened than she'd admit about me developing as Marian.  Could she risk the possibility of me breaking a promise and going 24x7?  Once she fully realized that I was developing friendships with people like JS who saw me only as Marian, this catalyzed everything that went on in her head in the last few months of our relationship.  Too bad that I hadn't picked up on this earlier - it would have made things much easier for me to deal with, even if there is no right time to do so.

If GFJ and I are no longer friends because of my stupidity, I'll hold off from going to events where she might be present.  I certainly won't go to her "weekly group" meetings out of respect for her.  But I will consider theater groups if they are on my side of the Hudson.  She was right in one respect - she is much more of an outdoors person than I am. I won't be going to any of the hiking events that she enjoys so much. (I wouldn't even know how to start.) After seeing what a tick bite that she got on her property did to her, there's no way I want to deal with that kind of problem alone.  (At least she has a network of people who can help her out in time of need - I don't, and probably never will.)

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But back to JS.  She's the type of person who needs good friends, but is afraid of what will happen if she takes good advice.  The financial planner she once visited told her to sell the house and immediately retire to Florida.  Her son and daughter would have to fend for themselves.  The way JS is going, she'll drive herself into the grave, only postponing the day of reckoning for her kids.

By the time I made it to Ridgefield, JS had gone to the theater and found that the movie was sold out.  Instead, we changed our plans and went to the Hunan Noodle Bar for dinner.  The Thai Curry Seafood dish I had was yummy.  If I didn't have a bite on the way over to see JS, I'd have finished it all.  Instead, I had leftovers.

JS's situation is killing her. The job she has is killing her, as she's finding out that it's not a place to be.  She may know how to run a religious school, but she doesn't know how to run her life.  Her daughter doesn't bother to refill her prescriptions, and drops off her meds when they run out. And there are no consequences - JS takes care of this and other tasks that one would expect a 21 year old to manage for herself.  How else can the daughter learn, if mommy will clean up the daughter's mess every time?

On the way home from Ridgefield, I realized that I dodged a bullet.  If I had met her as Mario, I might have considered dating her because I was lonely.  And she's the kind of needy person who can suck the life out of you if you let her do so.  Until events force her to make the hard decisions she needs to make, both JS and her daughter's situation will continue to get worse.

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Instead of going straight home, I took the long way back home.  Thinking back on things, I think that when I found the job working for the census bureau and intended to go in as Marian, that this helped push GFJ into thinking that I can't stop my progress towards living as Marian 24x7.  What she didn't understand (if she read my old blog) was that there was one thing that made life as Mario enjoyable - the ability to have romance.  And that was worth NOT living 24x7.  But she couldn't help but be afraid that I could continue down my path and not be Mario for her.

Since GFJ has not bothered to contact me since I sent my apology message, I plan to compose and send one last message sometime early in the new year.  Since she was crying the last time I saw her, I realize that it took her a lot more emotional energy than expected to say that things were over. So instead of saying it in person, she felt that she had to finish the job in a message.

My response to her final breakup message must have hurt her to the core - in a way, I was the third person to betray her without meaning to do so.  My last message will note that she has not gotten back to me since the other day, that I will have to assume that she no longer wants any contact.  But I will also say that if she wants me as a friend, she will have to reach out - I do not want to hurt her any more than I have done so already by making another move.

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Sunday is often called "the Lord's Day" and I had to consider whether I'd be attending church in the morning. And given how I was feeling, I decided to take a pass.  I needed to get a little more sleep, given how screwed up my sleep patterns have been lately.  Since I had a brunch appointment with my former student clinician and her supervisor, I figured I could nap for another 2 hours and still be ready for 1 pm in Rockland County.

My plans were changed again by a text message - the former student clinician's best friend got into an accident and was in a hospital upstate.  So I texted that I wouldn't be going, and suggested that we reschedule for next week.  Hopefully, the supervisor got the message - she never seems to answer my texts, yet she is in contact with the student clinician.

At the same time as the above text exchange, I got a message from JS - she still wanted to see Little Woman and get together for lunch and we agreed to do this.  I started to get ready around 1 pm, and had just come out of the shower when JS called - she had broken a tooth, and wouldn't be able to make it today.  Since I really wasn't in the mood to see her a second day in a row, I was secretly happy, yet a little sad for her.  Hopefully, she'll be able to get her mouth patched up for an affordable cost. (Knowing what I know about dental costs, it'll be another $3,000 that she can not afford to spend. I feel sorry for any man who chooses to date her.)

So, at 2 pm, I turned on the movie channel and went to sleep for another 4 hours.  This is certainly not the way I want to spend my days.  It's too soon for me to seriously go out into the dating scene.  And when I do, I'll need a strategy to deal with the fact that I am transgender and currently live two lives.  I want a companion with whom I can go through life, and it doesn't look like it will happen anytime soon.


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PS: I told my friend Vicki about GFJ, and she had the same thoughts as I did.  Our romance was simply something to tide her through the times she was dealing with being separated from her husband.  Once the divorce came through, she had to figure out what she really wanted from life, and I was never going to be in her plans, given a prior breakup 4 1/2 years ago. So I know NOT to expect too much from her if we were to reconnect as friends.

Christmas Eve started with an unwanted conversation.

I knew today was going to be a little strange from the moment I checked my first emails.  There was a message from a friend telling me that our links on social media were being severed.  Without any explanation, it felt like a slap in the face.  Did I do something wrong?

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We've all had to learn our way around social media.  Although I won't go into any of the "Who, What, Which, Where, When, of How" of it, I can say that the email conversation that followed from the earlier message made me feel a little better - the issues were on the friend's side and not mine. But what if a person just dropped a bombshell like this on you and gave you no clue in follow up conversation.  How would you feel?

Our children are confronted with this and other social media issues every day.  Social media is used and abused.  It is both a news source about our friends and about the world as a whole.  And there is a lot of misinformation being spread which is meant to hurt people.  Due to the nature of tools like Facebook, slander can be spread instantaneously without the person being slandered having a clue to what is happening. There is even less time than before for a person to mount a defense.  Not having children, I can only imagine what they are dealing with these days.

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By 9:00 am, I had fully awakened due to the above mentioned conversation, and I had the pleasure of watching an episode of Perry Mason that I've been waiting a while to see.

Years ago, Raymond Burr was out from work on Perry Mason, and had several guest stars (as guest lawyers) taking on cases with the typical Perry Mason style.  Today's rerun, "The Case of Constant Doyle" guest starred Bette Davis, and she filled in the role perfectly.  If this wasn't Burr's series, I'd have thought it was Davis's series.  She was that good in her role. And it made me wish that the network could have done a spinoff series starring Bette Davis.  Sadly, few movie stars at the time considered TV acting as a craft as respectable as acting on stage or in the movies.  So we only have that one instance of Bette Davis in her prime doing what she does best on TV - being a strong, confident woman who could not be pushed around by anyone.

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Now back to the Christmas season....

One of the blogs I read discussed the masculine difference in Christmas Shopping:

1. Men get less satisfaction out of gift buying
2. Men don’t want to buy the gifts that women want to receive 
3. The thought of buying and receiving presents makes us anxious 
4. Gift buying isn’t men’s way of expressing love 
5. Men love the challenge of a one-day hunt (my favorite)

In regard to gift buying, I am much more like the typical male than the typical female.  I get little satisfaction about gift buying. Yet, I want to buy the type of gift that a person wants to receive. The thought of buying gifts makes me anxious, as I don't to get it wrong.  And it certainly isn't my way of expressing love.  Unlike the typical man, I don't relish the challenge of a one day hunt - I prefer to have my shopping done days or weeks in advance.

Shopping for GFJ this season posed me some interesting issues.  How do I send the right signals with my gifts?  I have to get her size right if I'm buying clothing, yet I can't buy anything that would not be her style.  Luckily, I knew GFJ's size range, so I was able to buy her a sweater that would fit (and if not, was from a store "semi convenient" to her).  The other gifts were easier for me, as I had ideas of what she could use and something that others had advised me to give her.

But if you think GFJ was an issue, what about my brother and his wife?   I was constrained by the requirement not to spend too much on him (we only exchange inexpensive gifts) and something that could be used by both my brother and his wife (I didn't want to give anything that would be too personal, as they are currently having problems with their marriage.) So I ended up giving them a popcorn maker.

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Lately, when I get a text from JS, one of the first things she wants to know is have I been able to fix things with GFJ.  (She doesn't know that GFJ is a female.  But that's another story that I've mentioned in my prior blog.)  And I've had to deflect these questions.  My big question is: Why is my romantic relationship so important?  But then, JS would like for me to help her write a personal ad for her.  There are several reasons that she could be looking for a man.  First is romance.  Second is a financial security blanket.  If she's open about herself and her issues, I have no problem helping her.  But if she's looking for a sugar daddy to take care of her (due to her own weak financial resources), then I have some reservations.

This got me thinking of my former travel partner.  She had cravings for companionship which bordered on addiction.  She'd put up with a man who'd mistreat her, instead of waiting (possibly in vain) for someone who'd treat her with love in the way she deserves.

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Since I'm writing this on Christmas Eve, I don't want to end this post on a down note.  Instead, I'd rather wish my readers a happy and prosperous time in the new year.




Happy New Year!!!!!



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I hate rainy, foggy days.

Normally, I try to stay in a single presentation for the entire day.  This makes things much simpler for me.  Once I move my ID and money into the correct wallet, I can be sure that I'm carrying all 3 needed items I need to show a police officer if my car is stopped.  (I also move my AAA card, as I've been in need of a tow while in my female presentation.)  This was not going to be a "half and half" day, as I only needed to be out as Mario for an hour, and I'd be out as Marian until I returned home late in the evening.

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Last night, GFJ and I were chatting around 2 am.  We caught up on the past day, and then she asked a question - Did Patty know about me being TG?  I told her that she may have had some inklings when we were going together in the early 2000's, but I was not out and about way back when.  I have to assume that GFJ is still sorting things out in her mind, and that my TG nature is an important issue to her.  

When I finally got up late this morning, I knew I'd have to present as a male for part of it.  There was a book (on hold) waiting for me at the library, and there was a prescription waiting for me at the drug store.  Since I could not do these things without revealing my legal identity, I had to go out as Mario for a couple of hours before coming home to change into my female presentation and go out as Marian for the evening.

Once home, I started getting ready to go out as Marian.  Off came the boy clothes, with a plan to put on the girl clothes before seeing JS for a movie and a bite to eat.  While at home, I decided to wrap gifts for my family and for GFJ.  However, I couldn't find the locking diary in the stores for the daughter of Thursday night's meetup's Christmas Gift.  So I finally broke down and subscribed to Amazon Prime, so that I could get her gift in my hands before the next game night.

While writing the earlier parts of this entry, I got a message from JS - her dog had to go to the vet for a canine emergency.  It seems as if every time we agree to get together, some event gets in the way.  Yes, I have often been unavailable on weekends, as I have always given GFJ first claim on my time.  (She is a special woman to me, and I've said as much to her.)  But now, I have the freedom to schedule weekend time with JS, and she still has excuses.  Given what I've mentioned about her and her family in the past, I'll bet that she is having serious budget problems as well as problems with her daughter.  And these problems are getting in the way of her having a healthy social life.  (These problems are also the cause of her former financial planner abandoning JS to her own devices, as JS would not do the things needed to get her life in order.)  As for me, I'd rather not allow JS to lean too much on me, as I don't want to be in a codependent relationship with anyone.

Now that JS had to postpone our get together, I had to figure out what to do for the rest of the evening.  Did I continue my preparations to go out as Marian and see a movie?  Or, did I do something else?  I ended up staying in for the night.....

Something to watch out for.

Every so often, JS has asked if I could accompany her to a reading from a psychic in Massachusetts.  I've occasionally have been able to do so.  But each time I've made myself available, she has either called in sick or has asked me to drive her to the appointment.  JS doesn't want to put more mileage on her car, even though she is driving 150 miles each day to go to work and back.  As you can guess, there's a lot to watch out for here, and that I'd be a fool to get caught up in her problems.

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This morning, I woke up shortly after 6:30 am, and started checking my messages.  I noticed that JS was asking me to do the driving for her visit to her psychic.  It wouldn't be a good idea for me to trade the dependency of my former cruise partner for a new, more dysfunctional friend.  I have gotten to the point where I want friends who can stand on their own, even if it means that I have fewer friends to be with.

Being fully awake at 6:30 means that I will likely lose steam later in the day.  Additionally, it allows me to be fully awake when watching the morning's political news.  And I took this opportunity to do so.  Like the political pundits, I found that Mike Bloomberg's probable entry into the 2020 Democratic nomination contest to be an important development.  More importantly, I think that he might just be the one candidate who can pummel Trump in all the ways that are important.  No one can say that Bloomberg is dishonest.  No one can say that Bloomberg mismanaged his political office.  And no one can say that a Bloomberg administration will be filled with scandal.  He might be the one person who can both fix the damage Trump has done to the government and set up a system of numbers based governing that could be useful to future administrations.

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My niece and I were supposed to get together tonight for a museum night.  Sadly, this didn't come off, as she had to work late at work and wouldn't make it to the museum on time.  In many ways, this was OK with me, as I really didn't want to go outside in the cold.  It's already November, and the cold has seeped into my apartment, and I was thinking of wearing trousers for my weekly stint at the LGBT Center.

When I was young, I never noticed the cold (or, so I remember it.)  I could go outside for hours, do things like deliver newspapers, and still enjoy the weather outside.  Now, that I've reached my 60's, I've gotten used to the idea of taking winter vacations where it's warm.  And this means winter cruises to the Caribbean, through the Panama Canal, and to Hawaii.

Last night, I chatted with HWV about my cruises, and she mentioned something that saddened me.  The homeless population in San Francisco has grown to a point where she considers it dangerous.  She noted that in the past few years, that they are accosting people in front of the Four Season's hotel - people no longer feel safe there.  Whether this is true or not, I can find out.  I dated a woman in Nyack who now lives in the San Francisco Bay area.  The next time I have a chance, I will chat with her and find out whether what HWV said is true or not.  This information may be what decides whether I take a Hawaii cruise out of San Francisco or out of Los Angeles.

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I ended up going to the LGBT Center a little later than usual to do my volunteer stint, and only spent an hour there.  Today's tasks were to update their calendars, send out meetup information, and update their blog to reflect the need to get volunteers for their upcoming Trans Forum.  Once I was done there, I figured that I'd check in with Pat - and she said to drop over with some Chinese, as she'd supply the wine.

At Pat's, we got into our usual discussion - she's an idealist who believes that all we need to fix the world is to have everyone change their attitudes, and if by magic, all would be right with the world.  I'm a realist - I'll always ask "what's in it for me?" even if I plan to make a sacrifice for others.  To me, incremental progress is better than no progress at all.  And Pat's inability to focus on one problem at a time is what's caused her to become a victim of life.  Yes, we have a system which could be much better.  Racism does permeate our society, benefiting some people in power at the expense of others.  Capitalism has its flaws, but it doesn't explain all of mankind's ills.  If anything, basic human nature is the problem, and not much is going to change it.  Instead, all we can do is harness that nature, and develop social and economic systems which account for human failings.

Today, I got smart - I set a time limit to hang out with Pat.  It's hard to have an intelligent discussion with someone who has swallowed the Kool-Aid of either Left or Right.  And I was starting to tire myself out after 90 minutes.  So I was very glad when 9 pm came around, giving me a chance to leave.

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On the way home, I stopped by Stew Leonard's.  It's nice to be there after the crowds are gone.  However, they are returning certain foodstuffs to refrigerators, shutting down the fish monger and butcher sections (prepacked meats and fish still remained available), and cleaning up the place during the last business hour of the day.  So it didn't pay to dawdle. I  just grabbed my stuff and went home.

Waking up early on a Sunday morning.

Since GFJ dropped her bombshell last weekend, I haven't been sleeping that well.  And I was very surprised that I could wake up early, chat with GFJ by text, and then go to church for the first time in a couple of years. 

But I am getting ahead of myself....

Last night, it was the "Fall Back" part of the year - just as the clock struck 3 am, my phone shifted back to standard time and now read 2 am.  And that's when I put my CPAP mask on and tried to go to sleep.  Several hours later, I realized that it was a little before 8 am, and I had the option of going to church.

Looking again at my phone, I saw that GFJ sent a message.  I figured that I would reply, and that got us into a chat.  She'd like to see me again for dinner tomorrow - and that doesn't bode well for a relationship already on life support.  So, I have to gird myself for further potential feelings of grief and lose a night out with a meetup group.  (Why couldn't her timing be better?) By the time our chat was done, I realized that I could make it to church.  So I got showered and prepared to attack the world as Marian.

Leaving the house at the same time as my neighbor, I knew that I was going to get to the church before her.  It's a nice feeling to know that people remember and accept me there, as I was greeted by one of the church's more active members when I arrived.  After the service, I had some nice chats with several people there before retreating to have lunch at an Ossining diner.

I sat down at my seat, and placed an order for breakfast - something (strangely) that was not on one of the menu pages.  (Was the menu put together properly?  Or, is there a separate breakfast menu?)  While waiting for food, I looked at my phone and noticed that my former travel partner had started her own meetup group, and scheduled meetings for Thursdays.  I took two things away from this.  First, without the ability to use me for a crutch, she was forced to do this on her own - something I'm glad she did.  Second, I feel that she chose Thursdays so that I wouldn't join her group or go to its meetups - more her problem than mine.  I sent a quick message to GFJ on this and mentioned the first point.  What I didn't say is that I was glad that I cut off contact with my former travel partner, as I didn't want to be in a codependent relationship with her - something that could easily happen given our mutual weaknesses.

On other matters....

Throughout the day, I exchanged messages with JS.  Her daughter has lined up a job, but with no way to get there and back from where they live.  It's a shame that Mother and Daughter don't make a move to a more mass transit friendly community, so that the daughter can get a job and establish herself as an independent entity.  JS is killing herself with her long commute and is not doing what needs to be done to see that her daughter can make it on her own.

If I don't get together with my niece next weekend, I'll end up accompanying JS to see a psychic in Massachusetts.  Do I really think this person will be of help to JS?  NO!  But I want to see the scam for myself.  JS is an emotionally weak person, and I fear that she will get preyed on by an unscrupulous person - and many psychics are unscrupulous by the nature of their "profession".

Wish me good luck.  I think I'll need it.

I started the day with some bad news

Last night, I sent an email just to touch base about the job interview I had a month ago.  This morning, I received my reply - I was no longer being considered for the position.  Since I didn't absolutely need the job, it shouldn't bother me much.  However, I do feel a little bit of a sting due to the feeling of rejection.  Whether I was rejected because I was transgender, or if they found a better candidate shouldn't be an issue.  But I'd love to know that answer if it was appropriate for me to ask it.

- - - - - -

Misplacing things has always been a problem for me.  I have often dealt with it by buying extra stuff, so that I can find what I need when I need it - without having to organize my environment beforehand. Now that I don't have "excess" money coming in, one of the things I have to do is develop better habits for where I temporarily store things that I bring into the house.  The other day, I brought in a prescription I took home from the drug store, and do not remember what became of it.  Did I combine the pills with the ones remaining from my old prescription?  Or, did I misplace them in one of my rooms?  If the former, I'll have no evidence that I did so.  If the latter, the pills will show up some time in the future.

Just before I left for my weekly speech therapy session at Mercy, I found the pills that "My Pooka" hid from me.  (I'm always joking about a mischievous pooka when I'm missing something I know I have in my apartment. Just don't call him "Harvey".  Harvey hangs out with Elwood P. Dowd.)  And I was able to leave for Dobbs Ferry with a more relaxed attitude.  While on the way down, I remembered that I had to schedule my yearly physical with my doctor.  Since his office closes at 3:00, I pulled off at a highway exit, made the call, and got back on the road, losing only a couple of minutes.

Arriving at Mercy a little after 3:00, I worked with the two student clinicians.  If my voice is recorded on the iPad they use, much of my masculine vocal resonance is captured and magnified.  But if recorded on a cell phone's voice mail, my voice almost sounds feminine.  There is still a lot of work that has to be done.  But I know that a reasonably feminine voice can come from my voice box, given the voice of a famous transgender woman who was well known when I was young.

I drove back to my apartment to kill a couple of hours, and then drove down to Yonkers for the weekly round of board games.  For once, I won a game - a round of "Exploding Kittens".  And I didn't do too badly in the other games either.  But my mind was elsewhere - I was checking the news and email quite a bit on the phone.  (It didn't help that the host's daughter wanted to join in a couple of games, and she was another distraction to deal with.)  Yet, I enjoyed myself, and will miss the camaraderie of the group for the next 3 weeks.  While playing games, I had a quick message exchange with JS.  Seems like our daytime get together this weekend is off - she is seeing a couple of real estate agents on Saturday.  I guess financial reality is catching up with her after all....

Thinking about a friend's problems

Please note: I have edited a lot of the original information from this post, in order to respect the privacy of these individuals as much as I can.  However, the underlying problems are common to many families, as my brother's family is similar to the one discussed here.

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A while back, I participated in a three way phone call between me, JS, and her financial advisor.  If you could have seen JS over the past few days, she's been about a hair's breadth away from her own nervous breakdown.  And this is all because of a daughter who needs the help that her mother can no longer give.

First, some background:

• JS - A woman who turns 65 in a few weeks.  She is a widow of 12 years, has 2 adult children, lives in Connecticut, and has just taken a job in Brooklyn as a school principal. The school of which she's the principal has been mismanaged for years, and the board of directors wants her to clean the place up.
• ES - JS's daughter.  She is 20, has done poorly in the few college courses she has taken, and has been an albatross around her mom's neck.  She throws temper tantrums whenever her mom tries to steer her towards taking on responsibility. 
• FA - The financial advisor.  She's a CFA, and seeing her in action, I feel that she's giving JS good advice that JS is hesitant to act on.

JS barely has enough resources to retire, and she has been worrying about what will happen to her daughter if she pulls the ripcord and moves to Florida to retire.  Her daughter shows no signs of taking on any responsibility, avoids doing so after making commitments to do so, and will throw temper tantrums if one attempts to hold her accountable for her lack of success.

A therapist told JS that the best thing she could do for her daughter would be to "divorce" her.  She needed to hear this from more than one person she could trust. What can be done for ES when her mom moves to Florida?  What services are available to ES?  What remaining responsibilities does JS have, now that ES is legally an adult?  These are questions that must be addressed, and JS will need help to do so.

FA has figured out a way to extract enough money from JS's resources to allow her to enjoy retirement in Florida.  She also suggested that JS give ES an allowance to help bridge a gap between what ES may earn in a minimum wage job and what she'll need to pay her basic bills.  Loans may be taken from life insurance policies, money taken from annuities, and Social Security collected from her late husband's benefits.  FA is putting JS's needs first, over those of ES.  And this is the right thing to do.

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It will be a rocky path for JS and her family.  A mother's most important duty to her daughter is to see that her daughter can function without help from mom.  And if this means that the daughter is forever alienated from her mother, so be it.  Sadly, there is a dysfunctional codependency between mother and daughter.

I think that the daughter must be forced to grow up.  Does one keep enabling her as some people would suggest?  Or does one use "tough love" as her therapist and financial advisor would suggest?  I'd choose the latter and hope I'm right....

Beginning the week on a high note

I spent the weekend with GFJ, and had the pleasant opportunity to see "Raise Hell: The life and times of Molly Ivins" on Sunday night.  Usually, it's GFJ who falls asleep during the movie.  But I missed a bit of the movie because I couldn't stay fully awake.  (Having just eaten a heavy dinner didn't help.)  What I saw of the film, I liked. And I hope to catch it when it comes to cable sometime in the near future.

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The next day, I accompanied GFJ to her dermatologist, so that a cyst could be removed from her left shoulder.  I'm glad I did so, as she didn't feel good about driving on the way back to her place.  She told me that the doctor had to dig deep to get all of the cyst out, and that she expected the wound to hurt a bit as it healed.

When I drove home in the afternoon, I could have called my GP to schedule my yearly physical.  I missed his office when I got home, as it now shuts down at 3 pm - and I got home at 3:45 pm.  (Dollars to doughnuts, based on his shrinking office hours, that he is readying himself for his eventual retirement. That's another story for another post.)  But I did make it to the drug store for my second shingles shot.  And this was something I had to do while presenting as a male.

Getting home, I played the messages on my answering machine that I couldn't play while away.  Once I got the phone number of the lady I had to contact for an interview, we scheduled an interview for next week -  an interview that I'll go to as a female.  Assuming that I work again, I intend to do so while presenting as Marian.  Although my legal identity may still be in Mario's name, I want to continue my path towards living my life as Marian and not as Mario.

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Tuesday came, and I wasn't in the mood to do anything.  JS and I were supposed to get together, but she cancelled out.  Seems like she needed to earn an extra few dollars tutoring a child today.  In our quick online exchange of messages, I think it's fair to assume that nothing has changed in her life, save that the assumptions she made to take the job in Brooklyn were invalid - her costs are higher than expected, and the commute is sapping the energy out of her.  Too bad that she didn't take her financial planner's advice and move to Florida - she'd be better off down there. This left me with one thing on my docket - going to the dining meetup.  Did I really want to get showered, made up and dressed?  That was the big question I had to address, and I had to address it by 3:30 or so.

Around 4:00, I ended up taking my shower and getting ready for tonight's dinner.  GFJ called me as I was about to put on my makeup, and I chatter with her for about a half hour.  (There went the extra time I needed to arrive early at the restaurant.)  But it was worth the awkward timing, as she's been getting tired earlier in the evening than in the past, and I wanted to chat while both of us were able to chat coherently.

A little before 6:00, I ended up leaving for dinner, and I got stuck in slow moving traffic along Route 9.  It didn't help that the driver just ahead of me was impaired.  No, I'm not saying that the person was drinking or drugging.  Instead, I think that he didn't have a clear view of the roadway's edge due to the rain, and had trouble staying fully in the lane.  (If he had also been swerving over the center double line, I'd have thought the person was under the influence.)  Even I was having trouble driving, given the darkness and the drizzle.  A hard rain might have been better, as people may have driven more slowly and followed a path set by the leader of the pack of cars.

Just before 6:45, I arrived at the restaurant and found a seat.  This restaurant did not know how to handle late arrivals for a large group, nor did it staff our area properly.  I had to get up and ask the waitress for the Prix-Fixe menu, as she didn't bring me one on my arrival.  She shouldn't be given a hard time based on my writing- the waitress was doing the job of two people, and had to deal with the needs of 28 people. Unfortunately, the restaurant was too noisy for my taste, and I had a hard time chatting with people.  To keep myself busy, I started reading articles on my cell phone.  (Where would we be without these devices?)  But, I was glad to be drawn back into conversations by my table neighbors, as well as by WDJ.

Our meetup broke up a little after 9:00, and I drove home through the rain.  Unfortunately, I wasn't able to reach GFJ again, so I was glad that I spoke with her before leaving for dinner.  Arriving home without incident, I stripped out of my clothes and got into something comfortable for the rest of the night.