As much as I wish some of my previous relationships could have lasted, I'm better for them having ended. Some of these women couldn't accept me for who and what I was. Others wanted to change me into something they wanted. And still some others didn't have what it took to have a good relationship. In my case, I've dealt with all of these types, and am still looking for someone who meets my unique needs.
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In the past year, I started to explore life more in Marian Mode, and I've grown to like who I've become much more than the person I was before. Yes, I still have all the flaws and weaknesses I had before. But I am much more comfortable with them now. Although I have lost a close friend due to my screw-ups, have had a nasty break up with a former girlfriend, lost my father due to the pandemic, I'm starting to come out on the other side of things stronger than I was before.
Although I enjoy not having to make my apartment presentable for special visitors, I miss having that "regular visitor" coming to my place (or me to her place) to share time with. The strange part of my recent experience is that I felt lonely for the first few months after my recent breakup, but I don't miss her anymore. The bitterness triggered (and documented before in this blog) burnt away any affection I had towards this person. And that's a shame for both of us.
Recently, I've dated several ladies, most of which know that I go out as Marian and have a good time while out. One of these ladies may be trying to rush into a relationship with me, and that is making me wonder what is wrong that I'm not noticing. Not having either of the close friends I had last year leaves me to figure this out all on my own. And therein lies a problem that all single people face: Who can you turn to when important decisions must be made? If one has close friends, it's easy. But, if one is rebuilding a network of friends, this is another problem to be dealt with. There is only so much one can dump on an acquaintance.
When I was married, I never had to worry about this. I had a wife, and she would have to deal with some of the consequences of any bad decision I made. So she always had some input in the form of advice. Sadly, like the cat she said "was mine", I didn't appreciate her enough while she was alive. She was one of the two people to whom I wish I had said "I love you" on a frequent basis. But I can't and won't live in the past.
Do I wish I still had someone special to care for? Yes. But until (or if) she comes along, I'll just have to get by. Hopefully, a second wave of the pandemic won't get in the way of my search....
