Sometimes, I think about what I lost and gained.

 

I haven't played with the above toy in ages, and I don't want to spend the money on a monthly subscription.  Yet, if I were an artist, I'd subscribe in a heartbeat.  And with what I did on this run, I have an idea of what I want if I go for Facial Feminization Surgery sometime in the future.

Why do I bring this up now?

After seeing Amy Schneider on Jeopardy, I can imagine myself living 24x7 as a female.  Yet, I have no need to do so. This group of pictures simply reminds me of the options available to me if I really desire them.

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But thinking of what could be also got me into thinking of what I gained and lost over the years.  For example, I gained and lost FCP's friendship.  She was very helpful in allowing me to grow as Marian. But she would likely have held me back from further growth.  I was lucky to stumble into a technology career that kept me well employed for 40 years.  Yet, losing this career due to obsolescence may have been one of the better things to happen to me.  It gave me the time and freedom to develop that part of myself that is Marian.  And even being married, then widowed, taught me that I could love and be loved - something I never would have dreamed of when I was young.

When I was young, I had all the options in the world.  Now, I'm playing out my cards.  With this being said, I appreciate what I have even more than I once did, because of what I've gained and lost through life's experiences.

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One of the transgender people I've met took advantage of her remaining male assets well into her transition - at least, until she had her bottom surgery.  To me, if one has enough gender dysphoria to need full transition, one should be very comfortable living with all the sacrifices one makes to have that transition.  Everyone has to make tradeoffs, and that transgender woman realized what she was losing in order to gain a life as a functioning woman.  I have to give her a lot of credit, as she had vocal surgery in addition to bottom surgery to be the woman she now sees in the mirror.  Another transgender woman has gone in the opposite direction, deciding to keep her "equipment", as she doesn't want to give up the ability to enjoy an orgasm.  These two women are playing out their cards the best way they can, and I wish them the best lives they can lead.

Looking at myself, I have lost potentially good relationships because of who and what I am.  Some of these women had no idea of what they really wanted when meeting me, and stayed around for much longer than they should have done if they had their acts together.  Yet, with romance out of the way, I have developed a better relationship with a couple of women, than had we clicked romantically.  Go figure....

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Life is a matter of tradeoffs, and we all make them.  We gain a lot, and lose a lot from these tradeoffs. I'm hoping that the choices I will be making in the future give me more gains than losses....

I keep getting closer and closer to leaving my job

 

This morning, I had an appointment to see my doctor - as Mario.  So I got up later than usual, and took my shower.  Normally, this wouldn't be worth mentioning, but we had a water main break yesterday and I wasn't sure if we'd have enough water for a shower this morning. Luckily, the town's water department worked all through the evening to reroute water supply, so that apartments in my complex had water. (For this, I give them thanks, as it was close to zero degrees last night.

The visit with the doctor went well, as he noted that my A1C level was good.  But he tweaked my meds, and changed when I should take one of them.  Afterwards, I went home to change into Marian mode and went to work.  Unfortunately, I forgot my MP3 player - and I had to tough it out through 4 hours of work without something to distract me.  Luckily, there was a meeting that burnt off 30 minutes of my time, so the day went more quickly than expected.  Even so, I felt as if my days of working full time are numbered, as I realized that I have lost my enthusiasm for doing this job.

A recent email exchange with my friend, WDS, helped me clarify what I want to do with the rest of my life. Last year, he had a medical issue which affected his ability to function and enjoy life.  Although many functions have recovered to some degree, his life is not the same as it was before.  This got me to thinking: Why shouldn't I enjoy how I spend my time for the rest of my life? (as long as I am able to do so, that is.)  I can do many things using a minimal amount of my savings, and turn on a couple of income streams when I need them. (I may be forced to turn them on earlier than I want to do so, but it's not because I need to do so.)

Since I want to take my Hawaii trip as Marian, I figure that I needed to get my Trusted Traveler Number as Mario.  This way, I can reach a security checkpoint, explain things in a minimally uncomfortable position, and "fly pretty" (as Kim would put it).  Yet, I will make a trip or two as Mario, so that I can determine whether it is worth it to see these places as Marian on another trip.

So it all goes back to the question: What do I want to do with the rest of my life, and how do I do those things?  Hopefully, I'll have a lot of pleasant experiences coming up....

It's hard to believe that I haven't done any serious shopping in a while.

Recently, the above dress was displayed as part of an ad from Karina Dresses on my Facebook feed.  Given that this company is based in the USA and makes its garments in the USA, I had to take a closer look at their web site.  

Karina calls its products as the "Original Easy Dress".  Given that they have a decent selection of dresses each with multiple patterns on sale, it's worth my effort to get to know this brand a little more.  And, given that their one store is located about 90 minutes from me, it's just as much of an effort for me to visit their store as it would be to visit Universal Standard's store before it closed due to the pandemic.

Yet, with all the shopping options out there, nothing seems to say "Buy Me!"  I'm at the stage of wardrobe building where I want to carefully fill in wardrobe gaps, and not buy things for the excitement of receiving something new off the UPS truck.  I'm also at the stage in life where I should seriously get my act together and lose some weight before my health starts to deteriorate.  So, assuming that I start losing weight, I will need to refresh my wardrobe while I shrink - it doesn't make sense to buy things I don't need and won't be able to use for the long term.

I hope that once I start losing weight, that I can use the above image as a model for how I want to look.  Yes, I will need to have some plastic surgery, as my former cruise partner needed after her weight loss. But I will look so much better after having done all of this.
 

 

Ennui - It's part of what I've been dealing with for the past 2 years.

En·nui
noun: ennui

a feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from a lack of occupation or excitement.

"he succumbed to ennui and despair"

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I'm not sure of whether I was experiencing ennui before I broke up with my last serious girlfriend. But I certainly felt it after we broke up.  As BB King titled one of his songs, "The Thrill is Gone."  Or, it has been for a while for me.  It was important for me to find something to excite me, and I was lucky not to fall into the rabbit hole of abuse of mind altering substances.  I had to identify and confront my feelings during the past two years.

The act of going to work in Marian mode was a thrill at first. But now, it's simply a matter of personal comfort and preference.  The problem is that I want romance, and for that, I have to live in both modes. It doesn't bother me to go out as Mario.  It's simply that I prefer going out as Marian.  But this is not the cause of my ennui.

When I was young, a lot of things excited me.  Now, I take many things in stride, knowing that any excitement I get is only momentary.  My last cruise invigorated me, but it was a great let down when I had to come home and go to work the next day.  Now that I have a bucket list cruise on my docket, I an looking forward to the change of pace it will deliver.  I will be in a much better mood when I travel, as I will be a little bit out of my comfort zone - and being energized because of that.

Each time I go to work, I end up being depressed for the first part of the day.  The repetitive nature of my work puts me to sleep, and I want to be doing something different if I have to wake up so early.  Yet, by the time afternoon comes, I am more energized, and I can sail through the rest of the day without many problems.  Is the job worth the money I get for doing it?  I'm not sure.  Sooner or later, I will quit this job, and I know I will feel relief.  Yet, it may put me into the funk I felt in 2000 when the Covid shutdown took place.

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2002 leaves me looking forward to change.  I just hope that I feel more energized soon....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'll have what they're having - but should I?

It's been a long time since I've been to Katz's deli.  Almost everything they serve there is scrumptious. Too bad that the place is so far away for me.  It's been ages since I've had a really good pastrami sandwich, and I could go for one again.

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The older I get, the more I find that the less people know what they are talking about.  Recently, I met with a financial planner - and she gave me advice appropriate for a person with 10x my assets.  (I'm not knocking her.  But she overlooked one key thing, and that bothered me.)  Other people make the mistake of using anecdotal evidence instead of empirical evidence to form their opinions.  This wouldn't be so bad, save that most people want to reinforce their views of the world and not challenge them.  Of course, we have the conspiracy theorists who have a desperate need to "know" things that others don't know, so that they can share their "prophesies" to people who will listen.

Before you think that I'm ranting about people as a whole, I include myself in the group who feels they know more than they do.  For example, I didn't know how many people are caught crossing the border from Mexico this past year, nor did I know what is happening to them after apprehension by "La Migra".  We are all influenced by the media we watch (or do not watch), and I have been mostly influenced by media that leans towards the left.  Others are influenced by right leaning media, believing that their opinion issuers are telling the truth. Given what we now about January 6, 2001 and the Trump inspired insurrection, people like Hannity were trying to reach Trump to call off his rioters, while saying that it was a "peaceful protest" on their shows.  It's hard to know what resembles truth anymore without knowing the biases of the people delivering both news and opinions.

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Why am I concerned about all of this?

Recently, a school district has banned Maus, the graphic novel about the holocaust by Art Spiegelman. Although I have not read the book, I strongly support the need for youngsters to read it, so that they have an idea of how to understand what went on in the 1930's.  In itself, I'm concerned about the "right's" attempt to sanitize history for its ends.  But I'm even more shocked when someone posted a picture of Nazi book burning, noting that these books came from the Institute for Sexology. Seems like Fascists of any era like to deny people from the LGBTIQ communities their rights to even exist - something that should worry us all.

The Institut für Sexualwissenschaft (Institute of Sexology) was way ahead of its time.  Sadly, the challenges it faced are the same issues we face today - people who need simplistic explanation for what's wrong in their lives will sacrifice the lives of others for a false certainty of "truth".  Like the Jews and their millennia of  being dispersed, Transgender people have a lot to worry about when persecution takes place.  It is up to us to prepare for a future where we are at great risk.  And in this case, I will not have what they're having - I will have an objective truth....

 

The Snow Cometh - and Goeth

 

The above image was taken after a snowfall that took place several years ago.  The snowfall we're expecting tomorrow (as I write this) could be minimal or be a blizzard.  Either way, I'm placing my bets on us getting between 4" and 9" of the white stuff by nightfall tomorrow. If I were to fully transition, you'd see me out shoveling snow in an outfit similar to what I'll be wearing as a male: warm, layered clothing with a hat and gloves.  And this brings up an important point.  Transition is not a cure all.  It only helps to deal with the many issues we suffer in regard to our gender.

I am not looking forward to cleaning the snow from around my car (and off my car) when the snow stops. My car is usually parked in a spot where I am required to move it when the plows come.  This usually means that I must get out of my comfy jammies and then work up a sweat shoveling snow. This is a task that I relish less and less each coming year. And as I get older, this task will take an ever increasing toll on me.

However, the snow relieved me of a social obligation that I allowed myself to get into.  I don't mind seeing FH now and then, but I'm not always in the mood to see her when she wants.  I remember her comparing herself with MWL, trying to look as she (FH) would be the better recipient of my time. Neither of these women would be good mates for me.  But they both would be good activity partners now and then.

Right now, I'm focusing on CWS and RQS.  Both women are good ladies, but they each have things that could turn out to be deal breakers. And if it weren't for the snow, I'd be able to see at least one of them over the weekend.  Instead, I'll have to try to keep in contact with them by phone.  I just wonder how each will react when I eventually tell them about my bi-gendered nature....

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The next morning/afternoon....

When I finally woke up (I couldn't get to sleep until 4 am or so), I looked out my window and the snow didn't look so bad.  Although I have to get dressed to clear off the car, it looks like I will not need to do much work to get my spot cleared out.

The weekend comes awfully quickly....

 

As I write this, they are predicting either 1"-3" of snow to 9"12" of snow.  No, I shouldn't have written this forecast as 1"-12" of snow, as they do not know which way the storm will track.  If it tracks away from the coast, we'll get 1"-3" of the white stuff on the ground.  If it tracks toward the coastline, we'll get the 9"-12" that will cause a lot of problems on Eastern Long Island.

In some ways, this storm will be a blessing to me.  Although I will not be able to see CWS or RQS, I will not be able to see FH as well, freeing me up to get back to work on cleaning up my apartment.  It will also give me the opportunity to sleep later than usual, and finally make a decision on whether I should stay at my present job, or move on with my life.

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A while back, I mentioned my friend WDS.  Well, he's recovering from an ailment he had last year, and is slowly regaining facilities that he had before his ailment struck him.  Today, I wrote him, and he was up to me visiting him - but I would need to stay elsewhere.  Neither of the two extra rooms in the house he rents is furnished.  And that's OK with me, as I'd have my feminine wardrobe with me so I could see YGM.

WDS asked me about what has been going on in my life, and the impression I get from him is that leaving my job would be no great risk for me.  He may be right.  So I plan to write to an out of state headhunter over the weekend, and see if they have remote work available.  If so, I could go back into my old line of work, and never need to leave the house to get a job done.  Wish me luck....