Saturday, August 26, 2023

Dinner with Vicki


Tomorrow, the handyman will come to repair the tile wall in the bathroom.  I dread this necessary headache, as it will soon be followed by electrical work that requires virtually all my furniture be moved for outlet replacement.  ARRGH!

With this looming ahead of me, I was glad to meet Vicki for dinner before she goes on her vacation.  Vicki is trying to get her health in order, so that she can have a needed medical procedure.  (And no, I won't go into any more details here.)  So, I know that getting together with me is a special occasion for her.  Over dinner, we talked about many things, and she made a comment that echoes with other people I know - they see me as the same person, no matter which gender I am presenting as at the moment.

I think that a key to understanding a transgender person is seeing that his/her soul is the same person, no matter how the person chooses to appear to the world.  Yes, there will be women who get upset at the M2F transgender person for invading "women's space". And I can understand that.  Many M2F transgender people want to carry their former male privilege into their female lives, and this can not be done and be accepted by females as equals.  Yet, I feel that the cisgender world should "get over it."  To me, being transgender is a form of intersex condition, where the brain is wired to be of one gender, but the body is programmed in utero to be the other.

The transwoman I mentioned in an earlier post has reverted to life as a cisgender, heterosexual man. And he seems to have found a new potential woman in his life.  I wish the best for them, as life for a person my age can be a struggle without the issues of being trans to complicate things.  At least, he'll be able to live a less complex life - for now.  As for me, I'll deal with my complexities as long as possible, as I have no intentions of eradicating what I've gained by being Marian from my life.

Friday, August 25, 2023

I didn't really want to go to game night, but I made myself do so.


My mind has been on overload lately.  First, it was the tile wall in the bathroom failing. Next, it was scheduling repair work on the wall to begin over the weekend.  And then, it was being told that the electricians will start their work replacing electrical outlets next week.  So, in addition to my regularly scheduled social appointments both as Marian and as Mario, I have to appear as Mario when the handyman is here on the weekend, and when the electrician is working in my apartment.  AARGH!!!  (At least, I can get in some Marian time when I go to my dentist.)

- - - - - -

Since I wanted to leave tomorrow open for last minute tasks, I spent today working slowly on cutting down on the clutter in the apartment, and then doing some laundry.  By the time I was done, I was not really in the mood to go to play games.  But, given that it'd be another 4 weeks before I'd get the chance to be with this group again, I forced myself to get showered and dressed, then out the door as Marian.

As usual, I got to Yonkers a bit late and missed the first game.  Then I got involved in the second game of the night, and did tolerably well until the very end of the game.  Yet, I had fun.  Sadly, there was some bad news.  The host/hostess' new dog (a 5 y/o rescue) bit one of the guests and had to be kept away from the group.  I'll bet that this dog may have been abused once and has yet to unlearn coping behavior, as none of the rescue dogs my dad adopted (including one that was abused) ever drew blood after living with my dad.  (Yes, this may be flawed reasoning, but it reflects my feelings on the matter.)

I would have liked to have participated in more conversation and less game playing tonight.  But I can't always get what I want.  At least, RQS and I had a nice chat on my way home, and we set our game plan for the weekend....

Thursday, August 24, 2023

I still play hopscotch across gender lines

Unlike an acquaintance mentioned in a prior post, I have no intention of backsliding on my path to femininity.  Even though the AI generated picture above is only an aspirational goal, it is a good idea of what I'd look like after Facial Feminization Surgery (FFS).  And I want to look like this (as appropriate for my age) at some time in the future.

The big question will always be: How far can I go along my path and have RQS as my companion?  I'd rather stop at a point before she starts feeling uncomfortable than to go too far and lose her.  For me, having companionship at this stage of life is more important than being fully female.  The equipment between my legs is less important than how I present myself to the world.  Additionally, the ability to present myself to the world 24x7 as a female is not as important as having a partner at this stage of life.

So, where does this leave me right now?

Well, I am comfortable crossing gender lines as needed to get things done during the day.  For example, I have to do some tile shopping for repairs being done on my bathroom wall.  This is something best done while I'm in male mode.  Yet, I feel more comfortable in female mode overall.  

Yet, this can get a bit awkward when I need to be in Male mode part of the day, then Female mode for the rest of the day.  For example, I have electricians coming to my apartment several days next week. (I can't move all of the furniture out of the way to get all the needed work done on one visit.)  I'll need to be in male mode these days, then change into female mode after they have gone for the day.

For the most part, everyone in my apartment complex knows that I live a bi-gendered life.  But, I have to be careful which mode I use when I deal with the outside world.  If a mechanic sees me as a woman, they will either treat me as someone who doesn't know much about mechanical things - or worse....  Yet, presenting as a male can be just as awkward in female dominated spaces, such as makeup counters. 

Will this crossing of gender lines ever end?

I don't have a good answer to the above question.  If I didn't have to worry about RQS's feelings, I'd probably move much faster towards living 24x7 as a female.  Yet, I'd still want a relationship with my family, and that would likely mean that I would either have to out myself to the rest of the family or find ways to hide it....

Wednesday, August 23, 2023

My apartment is still a mess, but it is showing progress.


I have only so much physical and emotional energy to spend during the day.  But I can see some improvement in the apartment, now that I've cleared off both my sofa and thrown out a bookcase.  Now, I can put a subset of books back into one of the bookcases I've emptied, and restart work on my bedroom.

Why do I mention the state of my apartment so often?

Well, I want to get this place back into a shape where I can think of inviting someone other than RQS over again.  No, I do not have a goal of doing this.  Instead, I'd like to have this option open to me again - something I haven't been able to do since my late wife was alive.

- - - - - -

Right now, I have a box of books on the dining room table that need to be put back into a bookcase.  Assuming that the bookcase overflows, I'll start removing books from another bookcase to prepare for another donation to the library's thrift store.  I've already started another donation bag to be given to the local thrift store when it gets filled.  Until then, I have space where I can stash it where it's not in the way.

Once this place is devoid of much of its clutter, I'll then consider painting the place.  It hasn't been done in almost 30 years, and it's about time I do so.  This time, I'll hire out the job, and let someone else break their back to do so.  And then, the big expenditures begin.  I want to do some renovations in the bathroom, so that I have a new toilet, vanity and medicine chest (with lights above it).  To do what I want, I will also need some electric work done, so that I have an electric outlet or two in the bathroom.  

All of the things that I want to do involve money and time.  I doubt that I'll ever get this apartment done the way I'd like to see it done.  But if the job is incomplete, my heirs will have to deal with making the apartment ready for sale.  That'll be the price they have to pay to inherit from me.




PS:  I just got notice that the co-op's bank mandated electrical work is scheduled to start in my apartment a week from now.  AARGH!!!!  I don't have the time for this, and I can't put it off.....

Tuesday, August 22, 2023

Taking care of business (part 2)

Today, I had two things on the docket.  One would cost me some chump change, and the other some coin.  Either way, I had to present myself as Mario to the world.  It was just as well, as it looked like we'd have some scattered thunderstorms today.

- - - - - -

I got up at 8:00 am, so that I could make it to Mavis Tires for the New York's mandated yearly safety/emissions inspection for my car.  Reaching Mavis by 10:00 am, I was out of the shop an hour later, and proceeded home to nap, work on cleaning up some mess in the apartment, and to meet the handyman who'll do work on the tiled wall next to my bathtub.

Since I've been sleep deprived for the past few evenings, I took my nap first - and awakened by 3:30 pm.  I got dressed, and started to clean up my place when the handyman arrived.  As expected, he will need to tear out some sheet rock and replace it as part of his efforts.  So I gave him a 25% deposit for materials, and will pay him the rest when he returns over the weekend.  

Tomorrow, it'll be off to the tile store to see if I can get a box of tile similar to that on my 65+ year old bathroom wall....

- - - - - -

This weekend will likely be a "Cluster F" of scheduling headaches, as both RQS and I will need to be up much earlier than usual and stay in the apartment while work is done here.  I am not looking forward to this, but I have no choice, as the work needs to be done no matter what.  I am tempted to ask her if I could come down after work is complete (or, have her come here), so that she isn't as disturbed as she will be when the workers are taking up space in the bathroom.

Assuming that the work is done in one day (which I doubt), we will have Sunday free to do things for ourselves. But what might we do?  At least, I have several days to think about this, as tomorrow, I will have to go to a couple of tile stores to see if they have tile that matches the scheme of the remaining tile on my walls.

Monday, August 21, 2023

Taking care of business (part 1)


I had several things I had to do today: See a friend for lunch, arrange for a handyman to come and repair the tile in my bathroom, postpone dinner with Vicki, get my earlobe piercings looked at, and confirm my car's appointment for the annual state safety/emissions inspection.  And I was amazed that I got everything done.

But first....

My alarms were set to wake me up at 7:00 am, so that I could attempt to get free tickets for the 9/11 museum in Lower Manhattan.  It was worth it for me to try to wake up early to get these tickets, but I was doing it with only 3 hours of sleep.  So I'd likely be tired most of the day until I've had a chance to nap.  Still, I didn't get to the site using the correct link, so refreshing the link at 7:00 am still resulted in failure as I was never presented with the option of getting free tickets.  AARGH!  Yet, failing to get 9/11 tickets would be a blessing, as I would be able to take a much needed nap later in the day.

Now that I was awake, I started to work on a blog entry.  Working on developing a travel blog that will develop into videos is work, as I have to be thinking of scripts I can use to make 10-15 minutes of useful content on a regularly scheduled basis.  (It'll need more meat and less filler than in this daily blog.)  So I worked on something based on my most recent trip.  Even though I'm not happy with this entry, it's good exercise for me.

About 11:00 am, I started getting ready to see my friend MAR for lunch.  I hated to get showered, as I don't like risking getting the failed section of the tiled wall wet.  (It's covered with both duct tape and a tarp now, but there is still a risk until a handyman fixes it.)  After showering and getting made up for the day, I put on a dress I bought several years ago, and went out for lunch.  We chatted for a couple of hours, talking about many things.  I'm glad that she is taking my advice, and trying to develop skills that will get her out of the job she is doing and into something better. She'll never be a rocket scientist, but she's capable of doing something that will make it possible to afford to live on her own.

Next, I had to make an appointment with a handyman.  My downstairs neighbor (who I haven't seen in weeks) had given me the name of a person who worked in his apartment for a contractor that the co-op used to fix damage from a plumbing problem originating from my apartment.  So, I called him, and we made an appointment for this Saturday (although he'd want to stop by after work today - something I couldn't do while out as Marian. Instead, I have him coming by tomorrow, while I'm out as Mario.)  Hopefully, this fix will both be done the right way and won't cost me too much money.  

Now that this was taken care of, I drove to the tattoo/piercing shop to have the piercing specialist look at my ears.  I was having trouble with one ear because there was a little gunk blocking the hole.  The other ear's problem was caused by the hole starting to close - and she took care of that.  However, she couldn't widen the hole without using studs that I'd never be able to take off and put back on easily.  So I went with replacing the studs I used to wear.

And then, it was home for a nap after a quick trip to the supermarket.  I'll have a lot to take care of tomorrow, but I'll deal with it then....

Sunday, August 20, 2023

Looking forward to new trips - a quick post.


As you might guess from my writing in this blog, I enjoy travel.  Right now, I have 4 planned trips in front of me:

  1. A long weekend in Chicago with RQS and my Texas friends.
  2. A Bermuda cruise with RQS.
  3. A solo cruise to the Bahamas and back.
  4. A Norwegian Fjord cruise with RQS in 2024.

Even with these trips planned, I am still trying to figure out ways to travel even more.  For example, I'd like to spend a weekend in Boston with RQS, and see things we couldn't see in our short stop there on last year's cruise.  I could always go back to DC with RQS, as she has relatives in the region that we both enjoy seeing.  And then, Philadelphia comes to mind, as I have not had the time to explore the city in my two trips there.

Unfortunately, travel costs money, and we have to answer a simple question: Where will all this money for travel come from?

The other day, I was chatting with my brother and the subject of my uncle's finances.  (No, I will not go into them here.)  But both of us had similar thoughts - we both want my uncle to enjoy the rest of his life as much as possible, and would rather that he spend it on him and my aunt, than for him to leave us a lot of money.  Yet, if we were lucky enough to inherit a few dollars, I would spend some of it on a bucket list trip with RQS.  My brother said that this was an excellent idea.

What will happen in the future depends on how my finances work themselves out.  If my investments do well, I will spend some of the proceeds on travel.  If not, I will dream about travel.  Either way, travel will be on my mind.  Hopefully, much of that travel will be as Marian, and not as Mario.

Was she dead or alive? Inquiring minds wanted to know.

  I hadn't seen Pat in months, and I haven't been able to reach her by voice or text.  Given that she's 84 years old, I figured ...