I hate getting old, but it's better than the alternative

 

As I write this, it's a little more than two weeks before Halloween.  And this is the one day that it always makes sense for me to present as a male.  AARGH!!!  But it makes a lot of sense, given that there are a lot of cross-dressers out there who only go outside when being "in costume" - and what TG person wants to be mis-gendered by people thinking you are wearing a costume?

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While I've gotten older, I've lived through a lot of "been there, done that" experiences that often repeat themselves.  Doctors' visits, Dental visits, License Renewals, etc. have all become repeating experiences.  Days seem to blend into each other, as many of the things I do tend not to be novel.  And that's why I force myself to get out and travel, trying to get in at least one bucket list trip each year. Yet, I'm always a little bit ambivalent about trying new things and going to new places.  Go figure.

Yesterday, I chatted with MSJ about grief and loss.  Today, I had a similar conversation with my brother in regard to the loss of intimacy.  He still doesn't seem to understand a lot of things, as his situation cannot come to closure until his wife has passed away.  He cannot grieve.  Yet, he suffers because he no longer can be intimate with anyone (and no, I'm not talking about sex, though that's part of the equation.)  He has friends, but friendships can only go so far.

It is normal as people get old to lose friends and lovers.  I've already lost a wife.  Two of my ex-lovers have already passed away.  Some of my friends have vanished from the scene, and I expect that at least one of these friends died last year.  Other friends have faded away, as we grew apart over the years.  This is normal for people who have reached senior citizenship.  And eventually, I will be gone from the scene.  It's the part of life we grow to accept, but never like.

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Strangely enough, I feel freer and happier than when I was young.  I always wished I could be the woman in a ball gown dancing in one of those old time movies.  But the gender I was assigned at birth wouldn't allow that.  It was not acceptable for me to wear a dress.  Now, I can present as the female I would have preferred to be born as, and wear the clothing which was denied to me in my youth.  Unlike the belief held by one woman I dated, it is not the idea of having sex that is important.  It is the other parts of being a woman that are important, having a wider range of intimate and supportive relationships - something males are not allowed to have in our culture.  Although I can live with the "plumbing" I've had from birth, I could be just as happy (if not more so), if I had the "plumbing" appropriate for a female.

MSJ said that I've had the best of both worlds.  She doesn't understand that being a male or a female includes a wide range of experiences, with a reasonable subset of them to be fully experienced to be truly male or female.  As a transgender person, I cannot experience many of the inconveniences of being female, and can only have an intellectual appreciation of a subset of cisgender female experiences that a transgender female can't have.  

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Well, I could go on and on.  But I need to cook dinner....