Game Night - with a little celebration

 

 

OK - I'll explain about the celebration in a few....

But first, I'll describe the day.

Since I'll need to present as Mario on Monday and Tuesday, I held off on doing my own nails to prepare for the coming weekend.  Instead, I decided to sleep late, and then fold 2 loads of laundry from last night.  By the time I was done with things in the apartment, it was getting close to 5 pm, and I had to get ready to go to game night.

By now, I have my routine down pat to prepare myself to present as Marian.  First, I shower, making sure to shave as much of my body as possible.  Then, I prepare for my makeup routine and let my undercoat dry.  After I shave my face, it's time to put on my underwear, bra and falsies and start applying makeup.  I'm usually done in 15 minutes at this point, but sometimes I take more care to get everything right. Once done with my makeup, I spritz on some perfume, put on a dress, and am ready to put my wig on just before leaving the house.

I left the house around 6:50. and headed to Yonkers for game night.  There is a Mickey D's along the way that I'll often stop at.  But there's one problem I have to deal with - there is no left turn into Mickey D's driveway.  So, I usually make the left turn into a skating rink's parking lot so I can make a right turn into Mickey D's.  Well, there was some police activity at the skating rink, as there were 4 police cars in front of the door.  There was no way I was going to hang out here - even if I wanted to.  I drove through Mickey D's, picked up "dinner" and finished my drive to game night.

Game night was fun, even though I lost both games.  There were the 3 of us girls at our table (me the only TG), and we had a chance to chat.  One game selected the starting player by birth date - and this made me the starting player.  When the games wound down, we chatted loosely on current events, all of us having had fun watching Iran's Lego Block propaganda videos.  

Around 10, I left game night and drove home talking to RQS.  She has booked her trip to see her sister.  So, I can now book my cruise to Bermuda.  (Now to find some extra cash to pay for the cruise.)  My big question: Will I take the chance on traveling as Marian this time? 

Summer's here, and I'm sort of ready for it

 

Well, being ready for summer depends on what one means by being ready.  For me, I have all of my summer dresses on hand, and I'm ready to wear them throughout the Summer.  In my case, I have way too many dresses in my closet, and I have to prune them to have a more manageable collection.

- - - - - -

Years ago, my late wife was a compulsive buyer of clothes.  They were packed in the closet so tightly, that she didn't need a clothes rod to keep them off the floor.  As much as I'll always miss her, I don't miss much of what she brought into my life.  We had our problems, and I don't miss any of them.  Whether or not our marriage would have survived had she survived her cancer, I'll never know.  But I do know that my instinct to freshen my wardrobe causes me to be aware of how much I have in my closets, and how much I have to prune from them.

Now that I'm out and about as Marian, I occasionally wonder what my late wife would think of me.  Would we be sharing outfits?  (We were the same size before her cancer caused her extreme weight loss.)  There is no way to know this.  I hope she's be as accepting as RQS has been of me.

- - - - - -

Once the Orange Monster is gone from power, I wonder what the US government's policy will be towards transgender people.  Will the next government continue his crazy policies if the GOP is elected?  Or, will the Democrats be able to erase all of his transgressions against civil society as a whole?  Either way, I intend to go back to traveling as Marian again, and to live my life as my authentic self.

Hump Day!

 

Technically, as I write this, it's not summer yet.  And yet, we've already had a couple of heat spells.  I can only imagine how I'll be feeling when the dog days of summer arrive.  I know I'll be well prepared, with an over supply of summer dresses in my closet.

- - - - - -

Today started by me waking up 4 hours early and staying awake until noon.  I had a zoom call with my niece in London, and we caught up on things.  (As usual, I had much to say, and she listened.)  After an hour, both of us had to take care of other things, and we agreed to try for another zoom in July.

Once done with my niece, I took care of little things, then decided to cook an early dinner.  This way, I could get rid of the sausage I had in the ice box, and not have to go outside and spend money that didn't need to be spent.

- - - - - -

As you can see, I didn't do much today.  Yet, I needed a small break from a busy routine.  And for a change, I didn't end up browsing clothing stores' web sites today.  I own way too many dresses, and need to radically prune my closets of clothes that no longer look good on me, and no longer interest me.  This  task will be something I handle over the summer.

Unlike many M2F transgenders, I had it easy.  My wife died 30 years ago, so I wouldn't lose that much if a potential girlfriend were to leave me because of my feminine presentation.  No one has come close to living with me, save now for RQS.  And even then, we'd have to find a place that meets both our needs.  I need a place where I can park a car for days at a time.  RQS needs a place with good mass transit.  Until we find that place, we'll live in two residences and shuttle back and forth between the two.

With the above being said, I had little to stop me from buying too large a female wardrobe (especially dresses!)  Even now, I will likely be going with Vicki to the yearly Flax Barn Sale. Garments are drastically marked down to clear them from Flax's warehouse, and it's often worth the long drive to get to the sale.  Additionally, it gives me the opportunity to spend a day with my friend Vicki.

How many dresses does a woman need?  Certainly less than I have.  But I hate wearing trouser like garments, as they end up exposing the fact that I don't have a cisgender woman's hips.  If I had a typical female body, I'd likely be wearing jeans during colder weather  It would be nice for me to have the hourglass figure of a typical female, and not the rectangular figure typical for a male.  Dresses help me hide this little problem.

- - - - - -

There's a part of me that wants to go back to work as a female.  If I see a good weekday, part time job, I'll apply for it.  But I'll have to edit down my resume to let people know that I would willingly work in a position with lower responsibilities than I once had.  It would be nice to live part of the life I could have had if I were born with the right chromosomes.  

My brother finally has his second citizenship.

 

The other day, I received an email telling my brother that he is finally registered in the foreign birth registry.  That means that once he has his second passport, he will be able to travel across the Atlantic to see his daughter without any other paperwork than his passports.  As for me, I will still need my UK ETA for this summer's cruise.  But I hope I will have my second citizenship and passport before my Iceland cruise in 2027.  Otherwise, I will need both a new UK ETA and an EU ETAIS, as I will have a new US passport issued next year.

In this day and age, it makes sense to have a way to leave the US.  I love America.  But with a senile, misogynist, racist, and incompetent authoritarian trying to destroy my country, I want my "Letters of Transit", so that RQS and I can leave for a new homeland if needed.  All too many people have forgotten the lessons of the past.  And I don't want to be a victim if the crud hits the fan.

- - - - - -

I'm glad that my brother and I are lucky enough to inherit another nation's citizenship through my grandmother.  There are way too many people in this country at risk with no way to exit. For transgenders, its a risk than many are avoiding by leaving the US while they still can.  In an article in Der Spiegel, the trials and tribulations of Americans leaving their homeland for Germany are discussed.  It's ironic that any descendant of a German Jew who escaped or survived the Holocaust is now welcomed by Germany.  (They have much more common sense than us in America.)

I figure that I might use a two-step process to leave the US if needed.  First, I'd get myself across the border, but close enough to take care of my remaining business in the US.  Once my bank accounts are emptied and the money moved overseas, I'd then leave North America for my new home.  (Money moved before arrival in the new country is not taxed.  Money moved after residing in the new country is taxed.)

As I say again and again - ALL Transgenders must have an exit plan ready while the Orange Monster is in control of government.  Get that passport now, as well as a second citizenship if eligible for one.  It's much better to be prepared for the worst, than to have no idea of what to do if it happens.  

I was looking for something to wear under my dresses to prevent chafing....

 

Given that I am a fat T-Gal, I am always looking for a second set of undies which I can wear over my base layer and do two things: Keep my thighs from chafing, and help keep my front as flat as possible while remaining comfortable. And that's where today's story begins....

- - - - - -

I had three things on the docket for today: 

• Reviewing financial status with an advisor
• Lunch with CCS
• Retail therapy.   

The first item took a bit longer than expected.  But the advisor said that I am in excellent financial shape for my age, and will help fine tune things to meet my short and long term goals.  I'll develop a few questions for him, and schedule a further review in a few weeks.

Next was lunch with CCS.  We went to the same place we went to last month, and talked for almost 2 hours.  Towards the end, I mentioned an interest in seeing Dion, and she was interested as well.  So, hopefully, she'll be able to score extra tickets for us at one of the Connecticut casinos.

And finally came shopping in the intimates department.  I always have problems finding my size on the racks at Walmart.  Officially, my hips are narrow enough that I can wear a size 3x undergarment.  It's my chest that forces me to buy a size 28 dress.  While rummaging through the racks, a lady starts up a conversation about looking for undies.  She expects her shape wear to perform miracles for her - stuffing a watermelon through a sausage casing, expecting to hide her belly.  This is not going to happen.  But she assumed I was a cisgender female, and we talked about shape wear and the need to relieve one's self.  I mentioned that I will wear all-in ones/body suits if I need to fit into something, and then we shifted to getting the garment out of the way for a bio break.  (I hate the 3 hook mechanism in the crotch of these garments, but she would have a problem reaching this area based on her fat distribution.)  

It's nice when one cisgender female assumes that I am one of the same, and we can talk about female issues with ease.  Once women know I am TG, they always censor themselves on some topics. So not being seen as Trans is an asset for me. 

 

 

Caesar Salad Dressing and Transgenders

 

Sometimes, a T-Gal has got to eat.  And for me, tonight was the time to make fresh Caesar Salad dressing and toss it with some fresh Romaine Lettuce.

To Start:

1. In a medium bowl, whisk anchovies, egg yolks, garlic, mustard, and lemon juice. While whisking, slowly stream in oil until dressing is thick and creamy. (This can also be done with an immersion blender or in a small food processor.)
    
2. Stir in Parmesan and black pepper; season with salt.

You may ask with something this simple, what did I do wrong?  Since my mother never taught me to cook (Remember, I was a boy to her, and thankfully never learned her bad cooking style), I've had to gradually learn how to do simple things on my own.  This is not a bad thing, as I get pleasantly excited when something I do comes out right.  In this case, I didn't slowly stream in the oil.  That's something I'll do next time I prepare this dish.

- - - - - -

Why do I mention food preparation in a blog that discusses a transgender life?  Well, most TG women have to learn ALL the skills normally acquired by cisgender females in a fraction of the time.  Even when others are tolerant of our mistakes, we can make big ones and be totally embarrassed by them if we give things much thought.  We learn by doing, and we must be more observant than the average person, so that we can blend in well.

There is a big confidence factor in blending in.  One must feel that s/he is the gender in which s/he is presenting.  Each time I am pegged as a male, I ask myself - where did I slip up?  Did I slip up at all, and that being perceived as TG was the only thing possible for the other person?  So many questions, and so much to learn.

Like cooking, transgender presentation as a female (or as a male for F2M TGs) takes work.  F2M transgenders have an easier time in appearing male than M2F transgenders have in appearing female.  Cisgender males are taller than cisgender females, have more body mass, and other features that are easy to notice if you are looking for them.  Yet, for most of us, it is possible with a bit of work.  So, keep it up - you'll get where you want to be if you don't give up. 

 

 

PS: I forgot the Anchovies the next time I made the dressing.... 

 

As I write this.... (a short post)

 

As I write this, I've been thinking of people I have known, wondering what they would think if they were around to see me now.  Most of my friends, family and acquaintances likely had no idea I am a TG. But I can say that for most of my life I wouldn't have thought so either.

My wife may have thought that this was a harmless little kink, as long as I didn't go outside while in women's clothing.  I wonder what she'd think now, as I maximize the time I present as a female and minimize the amount of time I present as a male.  The one time she objected to me wearing women's clothing was on our wedding night.  I think she wanted to be sure of her role in our relationship.

Before my wife and I got married, I kept a promise to my late friend Carol.  I feel that Carol may have been a lonely person, as I don't remember her talking about her friends.  She was the stepmother of a woman I once dated, and I am grateful that this woman and I never hit it off.  Carol opened a letter I addressed to the stepdaughter, and we ended up in contact with each other, building up a friendship that lasted until Carol died.  So, when I kept my promise, I brought my (then) future wife with me to Carol's grave for an introduction.

Bill was my best friend through college, and was the best man at my wedding.  I never felt comfortable talking with him about this side of me, and now there is no chance to do so.  Recently, his email address was disconnected (his private domain expired with no renewal), and he hasn't responded to any texts sent to him.  Given that he survived a brain aneurysm  a few years ago, I wouldn't doubt that another similar issue caused him to be totally disabled or have killed him.

Prior to meeting XGFJ, I had dated two women named Linda. One accepted the fact that I enjoyed wearing women's clothes, but there was no chemistry between us.  (It didn't help that I didn't have a CPAP unit yet, and was very noisy when sleeping.)  Would she have accepted seeing me dressed?  I'm not sure.  But I know that the other Linda would not have been able to accept this.  She was looking for someone more successful and more traditional in nature.

Strangely enough, I think that my mom would have been accepting of me as Marian.  But that's because I think she always wanted a daughter.  My father on the other hand would have had trouble doing so.  During the last few years of his life he was resistant to change, and even had a Trump sticker on his car's bumper.

Enough of thoughts of people from my past.  I'm living in the now, and visit my past sparingly while looking forward to the future.

Often, a mundane life can be boring

 

One thing I have noticed over the past few weeks is that when things are calm and I am living a mundane life, people can find me boring.  Isn't this what most trans people want for their lives?  Excitement and challenges are good and necessary.  But, being calm and relaxed is important too.  Balance is essential for a healthy life.

- - - - - -

When I switched to writing this blog, I lost 2/3's of my readership.  I attribute this loss to not including stories about the life of my former cruise partner and the "Sturm und Drang" in her life.  Yet, that's a good thing.  After undergoing painful feelings of loss and grief, I came out a better person in the end.  I hope she came out better as well.

In the beginning, life for a transgender person can be scary.  First, we have to experiment with being partially out.  Questions like "what will people think?" and "what can happen to me?" come to mind.  We fear our unknowns, and we are often paralyzed by our fears.  Gradually, we start tiptoeing outside and getting used to being seen.  We know our appearance is far from perfect, but we're experimenting with our new social identities.  At this time, we usually work towards having the skills to blend in and not be noticed (at first) as being transgender people.  We are learning who we are and who we want to be by being out in the world.  Yet, our identities are not yet fixed yet.

After a while, we develop confidence in our "new" selves.  We have learned the unwritten language of our authentic gender, and people know us as our authentic identity.  Some of us move forward to medical transition, others stay with legal and social transition, and the rest remain comfortable in gender roles that provide enough flexibility to present as their authentic selves.

- - - - - -

So, do I lead a boring life?  In some ways, yes.  In others, no.  One of my friends says I have the best of both worlds.  But I'm not sure of that.  I can never grow close to my children as a cisgender woman can.  Nor can I take advantage of male privilege in ways I find alien to me.  It's as if I am an immigrant in a new world.  Familiar, yes.  And yet, a little bit strange.  But I wouldn't change things for the world.

It's May, and it feels like March

 

This weekend would be the first time RQS would be up at my apartment for the first time since before our Bermuda Triangle cruise.  Even though it was the beginning of May, RQS had to prepare for weather that could get close to freezing at night.  As for me, I couldn't break out the new summery dresses I wanted to wear. Cool weather would define the start of the weekend.

On Friday, RQS arrived wearing her heavy winter coat.  Yes, it was a little bit too much for the daytime.  But it served her well in the evening.  When she arrived, we drove to White Plains to pick up fresh sea scallops for dinner.  And then it was back to the apartment for the evening.  Dinnertime came quickly, and we had a good dinner.  (We also learned something about cooking scallops, but that's another story for another day.)  It was easy to fall asleep afterwards, so I don't have much to say about the day,

- - - - - -

Saturday came, and we had a few things on the docket.  So, I got dressed in something comfortable, but warm enough for the cool weather - a tunic length dress over leggings.  And then we went to Walmart to pick up a few items: (1) a narrow rolling cart for the bathroom, (2) a shower mat for the bathtub, and (3) a set of pillowcases to match the sheets I have on the bed.  (Right now, I'm using pillowcases that are too large, and wanted to get something that fits my pillows correctly.)  Once we were done at Walmart, we had time to kill before dinner.

We had scheduled a 7 pm dinner with Vicki.  It's been a while since the 3 of us were together.  Yes, RQS and I are together every weekend, and I see Vicki (on the average) or every month.  Today, we'd be sitting at the same table for a change.  RQS and I arrived first, and Vicki a few minutes later.  Vicki almost made the mistake of going to a restaurant with a similar name in the same village.  But I made sure she knew which one of the two restaurants where I planned for us to meet.

For the next 2 hours, we chatted non-stop.  It was a long overdue get together.  Vicki understands what RQS and I see in each other, and RQS understands what I share with Vicki.  These are all special relationships, and something I cherish.  Vicki thought that my past 2 cruises had me traveling as Marian until I told her about my caution in regards to interacting with Federal authorities given the Orange Monster's attitudes involving TGs.  RQS and Vicki talked about how they deal with their ailments.  We all had things we would talk about for hours.

All too soon, dinner had to end, and we had to part.  So, we drove home, and I got around to taking care of putting together the rolling cart from Walmart.  It is not as good as the cart I bought from IKEA several weeks before.  But it will do for now.  Now, things that were casually dumped into baskets are organized in areas of the cart.  Although cluttered, things look a bit less messy than before - a small victory for me.

Boredom is the worst demon to handle (a short post)

 

The worst of my demons is boredom.  I can be idle, yet not be bored.  But it is when my mind wants to do something and I have no mental energy to do it, that I try to occupy the emptiness.  The picture above is a prop from a horror movie.  And yet, there's a certain something about it that compelled me to capture its image.  Maybe the separation of horror from the screen prop captured my interest.  But I can say I wasn't bored when I visited the museum the prop was in.

So, why am I talking about boredom today?  Well, when I have nothing to do, I use the media to keep my mind active.  I'll watch the news for a while, and then read articles online to keep myself abreast of what is happening in the world.  I look for things to keep my mind active, and it's not always easy to do so.  When I get back from my cruise, I'll start work on converting my cruise related spreadsheet to a JavaScript program.  And this is one of the many things I focus on to keep my mind active.

Over the years, I have become much more comfortable with my TG nature.  And I've learned that most people don't give a darn about how I dress or how I present myself to the world.  People care mostly how they get treated by others, and if you treat them with kindness, then they will treat you with respect.  (Or, that's how it feels to me.)

Am I rambling a bit?  Yes.  But I find that when I let my mind wander a little, I learn a bit about myself.  I've learned how to deal with my fears more effectively.  I've learned how to be more confident with others, and I've learned what risks to take and not take. Right now, I rightfully fear our federal government because of the madman in charge of it.  So I'm laying low for the most part until his reign passes.   History has taught me to be wary of events like today's events, as there is so much that can be lost if we're not careful.  

Right now, I'm trying to be careful and have plans A, B, and C at the ready.  Hopefully, I won't need to activate any of them.

I prefer to see reality than live in a fantasy world

 

The other day, RQS sent me some links to various "meetup" sites whose purposes are simply to enable people to make new social connections.  A couple of these sites were geared for females to make social connections.  So, I asked RQS how passable I am, and she noted that there are some telltales that I am TG.  In short, I am not 100% passing, but that's OK for most purposes - just not for all.

It's hard for people to see reality these days, much be comfortable with reality.  We live in an age where the people we once could count on to tell us things resembling truthful opinions now tell us lies we want to hear.  We have a president who is a pathological liar, and who is totally disconnected from reality.  We are in a war that no one wanted, save for two people: Bibi Netanyahu and Donald Trump.  And now, Trump is telling lies which conflict with themselves:  "We have won the war with Iran." and "We need more money to win the war with Iran."  Where is our objective reality here?   Trump is the leader of an American cult which, unfortunately, has taken control of our government.  At a macro level, much of America is stuck living in a fantasy world.  But what about us as individuals?

As an individual living in a society which has become untethered from reality, I find it harder to maintain a solid connection to reality. First, I need to find objective information about myself and the world I live in.  As a TG, I need to know many things: How well do I present? What can I do to improve my presentation? Where can I travel safely in my preferred presentation? How do I keep informed of significant events that could affect me?    Second, I need to make reasonable decisions based on the information I gather.  In the case of travel, I have to be absolutely sure of how well I pass, as I could be committing a felony in some states.  (I was in one Southern state where I had to go to the loo and relieve myself while presenting as Marian.  Technically, I committed a felony just by needing to take a bio-break.  Luckily, no one cared where I was.)  Even worse, I can't visit many countries as Marian, as my assumed gender preference would be considered illegal and punishable under their laws.  (We're seeing that in some American states today.)  I have to be sensitive to the fact that we now have a federal government hostile to TGs and the rest of the LGBT community.  So, I am glad that I sent information to a nation where a grandparent came from, so that I have an exit route available in advance.

One TG individual I know has been corrupted by the media she consumes.  Although she has lost the desire to get her passport renewed in her identified gender due to Trump's executive order, she still refers to his political enemies by the childish names he uses for those people.  Yet, she can't identify why these people are bad.  She sees the word "Socialist" and identifies all evil to this word and those who identify with it.  Yet, she can't identify what is bad about the word itself.  Even though she's unhappy with the cult leader, she still identifies with the values of the cult - even when the cult would treat her like crap.  This transgender woman is not alone in her fantasy views of identity.  Another transgender woman I met belonged to a conservative religious denomination.  When she moved to upstate NY, she went to attend another church of that sect.  The pastor said that she shouldn't attend again because she was TG.  Her identity conflicted with what others saw that her identity should be,  We all can make similar mistakes.  This is why we need to always seek objective reality, instead of seeking to feel comfortable living within our fantasies.

A visit to the doctor - something I never like.

 

This is not a photo of my doctor.  Only when I started living full time as Marian and moving towards a medical transition, would I switch to a female doctor.  (As long as I  have my original equipment, I'd feel a little uncomfortable with a doctor who doesn't have my "plumbing configuration."  With that being said, this is not a discussion about doctors for transgender people.  We need to choose doctors with whom we are comfortable, and advocate for the best treatment we can get in our healthcare system.

Today, I visited my doctor.  I knew that he was going to be upset that I gained a couple more pounds since I last saw him.  But he was surprised to find out that the pharmacy was going to charge me $500/month for a Mounjaro (GLP-1) prescription.  There was no way I was going to pay that much for a drug, when there are others that Medicare has approved and is covered by my prescription insurance plan.  

What I forgot as well as my doctor did was that I was supposed to get my yearly physical.  So, after my visit was "done", I was asked to stay a while to get my blood drawn and for an EKG to be taken.  I again mentioned the problem with the GLP-1 drug that was prescribed, and he said that his assistant would look into this for me.  Guess what?  I got a text from his service that an Ozempic prescription was now on file, and also got a text from the pharmacy that the prescription was ready for pickup.  I'll have to call up the pharmacy to ask how much this prescription costs before I start with it.

- - - - - -

Unfortunately, there was 2 inches of snow on my car when I left for the doctor.  When I returned, I found that my parking space hadn't yet been plowed.  So, when I heard the plow a hour later, I was out of the house again to kill some time for the plow to do its job.  With the expected slop to be on the ground for tomorrow, I'll have to give up on the idea of wearing a fancy dress to Christmas Eve dinner and  to church, and simply wear a sweater dress over leggings for practicality.

This is the kind of problem many of us have to deal with during winter in New York.  It could be much worse.  But I'd rather have the problems I have in a TG accepting state, than to live in Florida where we are treated like dirt.  And some people wonder why I stay in my high tax state....

It's hard to believe that this year passed so quickly!

 

The image of a hurricane from space.  It seems like a fitting metaphor for this chaotic year.  We went from relative calmness, steered by a caretaker president, to a lunatic who is steering us into the middle of a global storm.

For a transgender person in the United States, we were the first targets of Trump's hatred.  He tried to erase us from history - even at the Stonewall Memorial site.  Yet, he has failed to silence us and force us into the closet.  Although people like me are staying in stealth mode when we interact with the Federal Government, others are openly challenging this corrupt administration.  We were the canaries in the coal mine.  Next, he targeted women, people of color (I hate that phrase), anyone who looks Latino (they were in the Southwest before the Anglos), and now anyone who stands up to oppose him.

Yet, life has gone on as normal for many people, save that they have to make hard choices because of our president's foolish actions: pay rent, pay for food, or pay for medical care.  Everything has gone up in price for the average person, and yet, the president claims that "Affordability" is a hoax created by the Democratic party.  

What many people aren't seeing yet is the debasement of the legal system.  Promises to deport the criminals among the "undocumented" (I call them illegal aliens, as am not politically correct) have been broken, and now it's a numbers game to round up as many of these (generally) law abiding people as possible, herd then into prison camps without the rights to challenge their detentions, and then shipping them off to places such as El Salvador's CECOT, where these people are treated worse than most farm animals.  The DOJ is trying a third time to indict James Comey, simply because he did his job and investigated the crimes committed by Trump.

Fortunately, people are waking up. It's hard to believe, but even MTG is now on the president's shit list because she opposed him on releasing the Epstein Files.  In special elections held recently, the Democratic party has over-performed.  The snowflake knows if we have a fair election, the GOP would lose big time.  Even if the election is rigged slightly, they have no guarantee of winning in the general election.  I'm sure that my congress critter will be voted out - he has done nothing for his district, save make meaningless promises.

Sadly, I've had to stay in stealth mode when taking cruises this year.  Normally, I'd present as Mario when sailing to the Caribbean.  For convenience, I'd have sailed as Mario when we went to Alaska.  But I'd have sailed as Marian when going to Bermuda and on the New England/Canada run had the snowflake not weaponized branches of the government to terrorize people.  

Sometime late next year, I'll be filing to renew my passport and my global entry card.  I wonder what that process will be like, considering what he's already planning to do with ESTA applications which foreigners must submit before coming to the US.  (I'm appalled that we may soon be demanding to know foreign tourists' Social Media history and all Email addresses used in the past 5 years.)  What will his henchmen dream up to limit what US Citizens can do, especially their right to leave the country.

Earlier this year, I applied to be registered in a foreign nation's foreign birth registry.  If things get really bad here for transgender people, I will marry RQS and take her to Europe with me, hoping that I can bring enough financial resources with me to start a new life there.  

It's amazing - in less than a year, America has changed from a democratic republic into a fascist state.  Hopefully, we'll see this change soon....

I'm starting to pack for my upcoming cruise

 

I miss being able to cruise as Marian.  The Orange Snowflake is out to erase transgenders from the earth, claiming "it is all in our heads."  One problem - it is easier to change the body than to rewire the brain.  And even if it could be done, should it be done?  When the person who holds the presidency has no morality, no sense of justice, and no respect for others, then how can anyone cis or trans feel safe?

Safety for us trans people is important.  For those like me, we can go stealth and not worry much - but we still have our worries.  When presenting as a male, my whiteness helps keep me safe from the ICE raids going on in neighboring towns.  So, if I have to make contact with anyone from the Federal Government, I've decided to do so as a white male and assert my "privilege". This is not real safety.  I've been hassled by a TSA Officer before flying to London, simply because he had a bug up his ass.  Could you imagine what he'd have been like if I were presenting as a female for an international flight?

I remind people that Cisgender people are not safe.  The husband of one of my friends is an immigrant from the Philippines. He is not white, but he is a male US Citizen who has communications issues.  He lives in a town which has suffered ICE raids, and my friend (his wife) fears what could happen if he goes out during one of these raids. He could not advocate effectively for himself.  Given that we have deported US citizens caught in one of these ICE roundups, do you think he'd be safe.

RQS is a fair skinned black, somewhere in the mocha shade of skin tone.  She'd likely be tolerably safe, as she has an "American" accent. And that relative safety would likely extend to many "American Blacks" who speak with an "American" accent familiar to many ICE agents.  But that doesn't extend to their initial treatment by these "authorities", as there has been a different standard of justice for whites and blacks in America. I must note that Asian Americans may have similar treatment to American Blacks, but would be subject to similar risk factors.  Yet, even if I were a second or third generation Chinese American, would I feel safe if ICE was raiding a Chinatown neighborhood as they recently did in New York City?

The promise of the Orange Snowflake was to round up the criminals who were in the US illegally and deport them first.  Instead, he is aiming for quantity over quality, scooping up law abiding people (here legally or illegally) to make artificial quotas.  So, a wise gender nonconforming person can not feel safe in a society where every touch point with the Federal Government puts her/him at risk.

So, I've started my packing, and I'm disappointed that I won't be able to wear my summer dresses again. But, I still wouldn't do so on this cruise, as many of the islands in the Caribbean have similar backwards attitudes as our president.  I'll still be relatively comfortable and safe, but I won't be as happy as if I could present as my true self. 

 

 

 

 

 

The longer I'm out and about, the less I write about being TG

 

When I started blogging, I used to talk about how I worried about whether people would clock me as being TG.  I discussed things such as voice training, meeting people as Marian, and other things that would set me apart from cisgender women.  Over the years, I have gained much more confidence in who I am and where I can safely go.  But people like me are under attack from the Orange Snowflake.  Most of us don't flaunt what we are.  We simply want to go about our lives without being treated less than human from certain social groups such as religious fundamentalists. 

This entry is not about being TG as much as it is about life in general.  For the most part, the vast majority of people lead humdrum lives.  Even if one has become famous, such as being a movie star, a sports player, and a politician, most of our lives consist of relatively boring activities such as shopping, doing the laundry, cleaning our houses, etc.. So, what should anyone write about?  I'm not one who makes a big deal about what I'm wearing these days, save that I want to hide my less than feminine features.  Going into the ladies' room is no longer a big deal when I'm presenting as Marian - I just go into the stall, get my clothes out of the way, sit down and relieve myself.  Most people don't bat a eyelash, especially since most fat people tend to be "invisible" to others.

For a little over a week, I've been wearing red nail polish.  As a consequence, I've been presenting as a female. The only reason I removed my nail polish today was that it was starting to chip away.  I figure that I'll go get my nails done when RQS goes home, as I don't want to spend the time to redo my nails while she's here.  

- - - - - -

Today has become a sort of "maintenance day".  RQS decided to reorganize my kitchen cabinets, while I decided to pay some bills and to prepare to do laundry.  Since the light over the kitchen counter got damaged, we will end up going to Lowe's to pick up a replacement later on.  While we were sitting down, we booked a couple of shore excursions for our upcoming cruise.  Now, we have 3 out of 5 shore days where we have things to see when in port.

Cruising has become our preferred mode of taking a vacation, as it gives us the most bang per buck. We keep looking at cruises we can take.  I'm hoping that the snowflake is removed from office so that sanity can rule in the US again.  Then, and only then, will I consider the cruise I want to take - a transatlantic crossing on the Queen Mary 2, where I can return to the States as Marian.

Until then, I'll just have to keep living my humdrum life....

And now back to my regularly scheduled ranting and raging

 

As much as I am an out and about transgender person, I can go back to stealth mode if I need to do so.  Yet, I am upset because the Orange Snowflake won't be happy until the last one of us is gone from "HIS" America.

I try to keep my calm, as to give into anger, as it will distract me from staying calm in the face of danger. For example, I could rage at the world and accomplish nothing.  Or, I can do things such as participating in protest marches, notifying people when I see ICE come into my neighborhood, and do other non-violent things to foul up the snowflake's evil plans.  I choose resistance in the same way as followers of Martin Luther King Jr. did.  His henchmen are most afraid of being seen for what they are: Malignant Bullies who want to turn America into Nazi Germany.  (When was the last time you saw the snowflake cast a good light on anyone not an Aryan male?  Never.)

Tonight, I had a conversation with TCL.  When I said that I'm going for second citizenship (and associated passport) as a way to have an exit route if things go sour in the USA.  I said that if I am forced to leave the USA, I'll marry RQS and take her with me.  I'd be poor, but I'd be free.  TCL thinks that I'd be able to take my money with me.  I reminded her of the early days of the Nazi regime: They allowed Jews to leave, but they didn't allow the Jews to take their money with them as they left.  It's amazing that a woman with a history degree didn't know about that.  I guess that our collective memory about the Nazi era has faded too much for most Americans to recognize the scope and severity of today's dangers.

It's amazing that the mainstream news media isn't covering the violence being used by the snowflake's henchmen to terrorize people.  But then, these are people who thrive on "access" and are afraid to cooperate with each other to take down a threat to their industry.  The Fourth Estate was neutered by the Nazis, why doesn't it see that the same tactics are being used against it in America 90 years later?  Luckily, we still have independent news reporting on the internet, something which they don't yet know how to control.  (Russia and China have developed effective controls on their independent reporters, yet there are still some leaks - all wrapped in metaphors and coded language.  For example, don't talk about "Winnie the Pooh" in China, as that will get you in trouble for its connection to Chairman Xi.)  

Why am I still in America?  I still have hope that the authoritarian tide can be held back.  Yet, it feels more and more like a losing task every day, as people are giving up hope.  When/if I do, I'll be gone.

My internet is still out at home, and I'm connected to the world by a thin wireless tether.

 

It's now almost 48 hours since my cable went out, and I'm hanging onto the internet with a thin wireless tether.  What I mean to say is that I'm using my cell phone's data connection for my internet until the cable company fixes its equipment.

On night 1 of the outage, I called the cable company around 11 pm, and they went through some exhaustive tests on their end to find out what the problem was.  No help.  So we scheduled a service call for 11 am today.  During day 2, my next door neighbor's internet went out, and they placed a call to the cable company.  That night, I went through a form of withdrawal.  No longer could I watch my nightly dose of Perry Mason reruns, nor could I watch any of the YouTube channels from which I get solid information.  (I make sure that the channels I watch reference original source media, and not opinions on that media. In short, I don't let outlets such as Fox "News" cherry pick media clips and distort the news.)  Luckily, I kept in touch with the world via my cell phone.

This morning would begin the 3rd day of the outage, and I had the following exchange with my neighbor:

Neighbor: I think they're fixing something down stairs.

Me: Do you see their truck outside?

Neighbor: They came to our apt. It means we have to wait for a different service team to come fix the transmitter that is downstairs. The guy said probably no one in our building has Internet right now or it's very spotty because the transmission is very low. All he could do is put in a referral OSP, which is another service team. He said he marked it as critical, so hopefully it will happen quickly.
 
Me: I'm glad you got a call on this.  And yes I hope they fix it quickly.

Wonderful!!!!  When the service man comes to my apartment in 1 hour (as I'm starting this entry), I'll have to show him this text as well, so that he doesn't blame it on the wire on my side of the wall.

- - - - - -

The service technician came around 1 pm and checked the wire.  Seems like the cable was disconnected outside the building.  I wonder how that happened, and whether it could be connected to my neighbor's outage as well.

"Just because one is paranoid, doesn't mean that one doesn't have good reason to worry." 

Assuming that this is a benign disconnect, I'm not going to worry much.  The technician told me that the line for the 3 apartments in my group of apartments was disconnected.  Given that the ground floor apartment is vacant, that the people on the center floor are never around, that leaves me as the only one connected to the cable company's services at the moment.   Given how much our federal government has turned our national guard and other protection agencies of the government into personal "enforcement" agencies, I wonder whether they are tapping all of my communications mechanisms (with or without warrant).  Although I am probably too low on the food chain to take notice of, I could still be a target of theirs due to being a vocal TG.  

I can't bother to worry much about these jerks.  If things go sour here, I intend to be out of the country, safely ensconced in a retirement haven waiting for things to change.  As for younger people, I will give them as much help as I can while obeying the laws that the International Criminal Court would expect all "Civilians" to adhere to, and not assist in any crimes against humanity. 

 

We're now programmed to fail.

 

Years ago, when I started my career in technology, I had faith in a system that provided opportunity for all.  It didn't matter whether a person was black or white.  There was a relative meritocracy in this country, with an elite that cared somewhat for the conditions that the masses lived under.  I learned to analyze a situation, find the cause of a problem, and resolve it.  Over the years, I learned to look at larger systems and perform root cause analyses for problems in these systems.  Today, what I'm seeing frightens me.

We're seeing, in real time, the gradual destruction of American society.  A bandit class has gained control, a class which has no ability to care for the welfare of the masses.  The leader that we elected has exposed his toxic nature, and many of his followers are finally seeing the man for what he is - a man who only cares for himself, someone who has no ability to care for the little people who put him back in power.

People like me are under attack because we don't cleanly fit into the gender binary that his core supporters use to define their world. But we are not the only people under attack.  People who believe in science and the scientific method are under attack too.  We've seeing the destruction of the CDC, due to a crackpot in charge of the Department of Health and Human Services.  I can only wonder what epidemics will affect our nation, given the outflow of qualified, talented professionals from our government.  We're seeing a government ready to debase our currency, institute questionable tariffs, and do everything possible to create another great depression.  What's going to happen when people lose hope?

What is the root cause of society's current problems?  As I see it, it was a big mistake made by the elites 50-60 years ago.  America's business elites decided to globalize manufacturing without providing a safety net, a transition plan for those workers who would be displaced from their jobs as work migrated overseas.  Educated people in large metropolitan areas would still be able to find work.  But few jobs were being created in areas being hollowed out by globalization.  People in these areas lost hope in the system, and became ready to follow a populist leader who'd make idle promises.  They needed to show their anger towards the elites, and became more radicalized. 

Once people become marginalized and lose hope, they are willing to gamble on anything that would improve their lots in life.  They will often feel that restoring the oppressive social norms of the past will fix things.  But they only make things worse.  Instead of looking for ways to grow the economic pie, they look to keep others from getting their share the pie.  This only serves the bandit capitalist, as alienated people will blindly support leaders that make speeches that give lip service to the supposed needs of those people.

Right now, our president has set America on a course to fail.  As a result, he will likely collapse the world economy.  I shudder to think of what will happen if he succeeds in his plans.  What he will gain from this, I'm not sure.  I think he's a Nero who will fiddle while Rome burns - and enjoy the flames.  As for me, I want to be as far away from Rome as possible....
 

Now that I'm back from my cruise, it's time to catch up on things.

 

Now that I'm back at home, there was a lot waiting for me at my doorstep.  First, there was a large packet of held mail.  And then, were the packages waiting for me that were delivered while I was away.  And now, I'm thinking of what I have to catch up on before I go away again.

- - - - - - 

While I was away, I read something in the NY Times and Washington Post in regard to Transgender Youth treatment by medical organizations.  Seems like the Orange Snowflake is violating HIPAA rules to get access to personal information regarding these children.  To make things worse, it seems like they plan to force these children to go through "Conversion Therapy."  (I can only wonder how many of these children will commit suicide if forced into this kind of inhumane treatment.)  If of any readers knows of any transgender children receiving treatment, now is the time to get them out of the US by any means possible.  

I know one woman whose child is TG.  She's working on getting him German citizenship to protect him from the US government, with the idea of leaving the US and having his TG status protected by a democratic government.  I personally know one child who is receiving psychiatric care for being TG.  If needed, I will help this family bring the child to a foreign nation, so that the child will not be harmed by forced conversion therapy.

- - - - - -

Paying bills is always a chore.  However, I only had 5 bills to pay, and none of them were yet due.  So $660 later, I owe nothing to any bank - and my used credit is zero.  (Mind you, I'd probably have a better credit rating if I paid my bills between the billing dates and the due dates.  But I hate thinking about credit cards, when I treat them as cash for most purchases.)

Normally, I have a charge pending on one of my credit cards after a cruise.  On this cruise, I had a truck load of refundable and non-refundable cruise credits, and spent them down to within a nickel of exhausting them all.  When we take our next cruise, we'll have even more refundable cruise credits which we do not intend to spend.  This way, the money we got back for taking a "move over" cruise will end up in our pockets, and not in the cruise line's tills.

- - - - - -

Given that we only had 3 days of dirty clothes left from our cruise, I was able to unpack my large suitcase and carry-on, and be mostly packed for our next cruise.  (I'll take the laundered clothes and repack them when I'm next at RQS's place.)  It's nice to be able to do one's laundry on a cruise ship on a sea day.  How many times can one go to the buffet, ice cream shop or onboard movies before one has the itch to spend money?

Since I like NOT sending my laundry to the onboard (expensive) laundry service, I probably will keep cruising on Princess's ships, as their low-keyed attempts to pick a cruiser's pockets (and deliver value) is more my style of cruise line I like to cruise with.  Even though I get a free bag of laundry on NCL, the small size of their bags make it impossible to come back home without an overly large amount of laundry to clean.

- - - - - -

Tomorrow, I have to run a few errands.  I'll finally be back in Marian mode for the first time in over 2 weeks.  The next day, I'll see my doctor (who will read me the riot act for weight gained on this cruise), and I'll finally get the chance to have my nails done before going on our next cruise.  It's so nice to be able to spend the money to pamper one's self with a Mani-Pedi in a local salon.  

- - - - - -

RQS gained 5 pounds while on the cruise.  I expect that they will go away with getting back to normal eating habits.  But it is something we'll have to watch out for while we're on our next cruise.  (I guess I'll have to stop eating as much rich food as I became accustomed to on the ship.) 

- - - - - -

Of course, I expect that I will need to deal with both Co-Op related  business and family homestead related business.  I have been out of touch with both the co-op management corporation and the co-op president, as well as my brother (for the family homestead).  I expect to be dealing with some interesting issues when I'm considered back in the real world.

 

How things have changed

 

Last year, I wouldn't think twice about going on a cruise dressed like this.  Today, given what we're seeing on TV (mostly YouTube video blogs), I'm not so sure about how I'd be treated by federal authorities.  The DOJ is going after medical records of Transgender Youth, and we've seen erasures from the Federal record of all things that celebrate or recognize the contributions of people in American society other than Straight, Cisgender, White Christian males.  The rest of us don't count for anything these days.

Why is this important?

We are seeing the malicious destruction of the American way of life by a malignant few.  Even the people who once supported the Orange Snowflake are turning away from him, as he is keeping what would normally only be campaign promises - things that are said to make people happy before an election, and not to be delivered on when in power. 

Instead of stable trading relationships with our allies, we are using tariffs to kill these relationships.  Instead of looking the other way when illegal immigrants do the work that Americans don't want to do, we are seeing tens of thousands of jobs go unfilled affecting both rural and urban economies.  Instead of having a federal government who'd step in and help when natural disasters occur, we now have a central government that tells us that disaster recovery is only a state responsibility.  Instead of having a government which protects individual rights, we now have a central government overseeing the stripping away of these rights.  In short, instead of having relative peace, order, and a well-functioning government, we have a belligerent, capricious, poorly-functioning kleptocracy.

For the first time in my life, I wish I were born in a stable European country.  Yes, each major country in Europe has big problems.  But they remember what happens when a bombastic, hate-mongering, kleptocratic leader took control of Central Europe. And they fear what is happening with America, as they have long depended on a stable , democratic American superpower for their own prosperity and freedom.

Next week, I will file the paperwork to get my second passport.  I'm hoping that I won't need it for an escape from America.  But if that time comes, I want to be ready.