I was looking for something to wear under my dresses to prevent chafing....

 

Given that I am a fat T-Gal, I am always looking for a second set of undies which I can wear over my base layer and do two things: Keep my thighs from chafing, and help keep my front as flat as possible while remaining comfortable. And that's where today's story begins....

- - - - - -

I had three things on the docket for today: 

• Reviewing financial status with an advisor
• Lunch with CCS
• Retail therapy.   

The first item took a bit longer than expected.  But the advisor said that I am in excellent financial shape for my age, and will help fine tune things to meet my short and long term goals.  I'll develop a few questions for him, and schedule a further review in a few weeks.

Next was lunch with CCS.  We went to the same place we went to last month, and talked for almost 2 hours.  Towards the end, I mentioned an interest in seeing Dion, and she was interested as well.  So, hopefully, she'll be able to score extra tickets for us at one of the Connecticut casinos.

And finally came shopping in the intimates department.  I always have problems finding my size on the racks at Walmart.  Officially, my hips are narrow enough that I can wear a size 3x undergarment.  It's my chest that forces me to buy a size 28 dress.  While rummaging through the racks, a lady starts up a conversation about looking for undies.  She expects her shape wear to perform miracles for her - stuffing a watermelon through a sausage casing, expecting to hide her belly.  This is not going to happen.  But she assumed I was a cisgender female, and we talked about shape wear and the need to relieve one's self.  I mentioned that I will wear all-in ones/body suits if I need to fit into something, and then we shifted to getting the garment out of the way for a bio break.  (I hate the 3 hook mechanism in the crotch of these garments, but she would have a problem reaching this area based on her fat distribution.)  

It's nice when one cisgender female assumes that I am one of the same, and we can talk about female issues with ease.  Once women know I am TG, they always censor themselves on some topics. So not being seen as Trans is an asset for me. 

 

 

Caesar Salad Dressing and Transgenders

 

Sometimes, a T-Gal has got to eat.  And for me, tonight was the time to make fresh Caesar Salad dressing and toss it with some fresh Romaine Lettuce.

To Start:

1. In a medium bowl, whisk anchovies, egg yolks, garlic, mustard, and lemon juice. While whisking, slowly stream in oil until dressing is thick and creamy. (This can also be done with an immersion blender or in a small food processor.)
    
2. Stir in Parmesan and black pepper; season with salt.

You may ask with something this simple, what did I do wrong?  Since my mother never taught me to cook (Remember, I was a boy to her, and thankfully never learned her bad cooking style), I've had to gradually learn how to do simple things on my own.  This is not a bad thing, as I get pleasantly excited when something I do comes out right.  In this case, I didn't slowly stream in the oil.  That's something I'll do next time I prepare this dish.

- - - - - -

Why do I mention food preparation in a blog that discusses a transgender life?  Well, most TG women have to learn ALL the skills normally acquired by cisgender females in a fraction of the time.  Even when others are tolerant of our mistakes, we can make big ones and be totally embarrassed by them if we give things much thought.  We learn by doing, and we must be more observant than the average person, so that we can blend in well.

There is a big confidence factor in blending in.  One must feel that s/he is the gender in which s/he is presenting.  Each time I am pegged as a male, I ask myself - where did I slip up?  Did I slip up at all, and that being perceived as TG was the only thing possible for the other person?  So many questions, and so much to learn.

Like cooking, transgender presentation as a female (or as a male for F2M TGs) takes work.  F2M transgenders have an easier time in appearing male than M2F transgenders have in appearing female.  Cisgender males are taller than cisgender females, have more body mass, and other features that are easy to notice if you are looking for them.  Yet, for most of us, it is possible with a bit of work.  So, keep it up - you'll get where you want to be if you don't give up. 

 

 

PS: I forgot the Anchovies the next time I made the dressing.... 

 

Often, a mundane life can be boring

 

One thing I have noticed over the past few weeks is that when things are calm and I am living a mundane life, people can find me boring.  Isn't this what most trans people want for their lives?  Excitement and challenges are good and necessary.  But, being calm and relaxed is important too.  Balance is essential for a healthy life.

- - - - - -

When I switched to writing this blog, I lost 2/3's of my readership.  I attribute this loss to not including stories about the life of my former cruise partner and the "Sturm und Drang" in her life.  Yet, that's a good thing.  After undergoing painful feelings of loss and grief, I came out a better person in the end.  I hope she came out better as well.

In the beginning, life for a transgender person can be scary.  First, we have to experiment with being partially out.  Questions like "what will people think?" and "what can happen to me?" come to mind.  We fear our unknowns, and we are often paralyzed by our fears.  Gradually, we start tiptoeing outside and getting used to being seen.  We know our appearance is far from perfect, but we're experimenting with our new social identities.  At this time, we usually work towards having the skills to blend in and not be noticed (at first) as being transgender people.  We are learning who we are and who we want to be by being out in the world.  Yet, our identities are not yet fixed yet.

After a while, we develop confidence in our "new" selves.  We have learned the unwritten language of our authentic gender, and people know us as our authentic identity.  Some of us move forward to medical transition, others stay with legal and social transition, and the rest remain comfortable in gender roles that provide enough flexibility to present as their authentic selves.

- - - - - -

So, do I lead a boring life?  In some ways, yes.  In others, no.  One of my friends says I have the best of both worlds.  But I'm not sure of that.  I can never grow close to my children as a cisgender woman can.  Nor can I take advantage of male privilege in ways I find alien to me.  It's as if I am an immigrant in a new world.  Familiar, yes.  And yet, a little bit strange.  But I wouldn't change things for the world.

I'm starting to pack for my upcoming cruise

 

I miss being able to cruise as Marian.  The Orange Snowflake is out to erase transgenders from the earth, claiming "it is all in our heads."  One problem - it is easier to change the body than to rewire the brain.  And even if it could be done, should it be done?  When the person who holds the presidency has no morality, no sense of justice, and no respect for others, then how can anyone cis or trans feel safe?

Safety for us trans people is important.  For those like me, we can go stealth and not worry much - but we still have our worries.  When presenting as a male, my whiteness helps keep me safe from the ICE raids going on in neighboring towns.  So, if I have to make contact with anyone from the Federal Government, I've decided to do so as a white male and assert my "privilege". This is not real safety.  I've been hassled by a TSA Officer before flying to London, simply because he had a bug up his ass.  Could you imagine what he'd have been like if I were presenting as a female for an international flight?

I remind people that Cisgender people are not safe.  The husband of one of my friends is an immigrant from the Philippines. He is not white, but he is a male US Citizen who has communications issues.  He lives in a town which has suffered ICE raids, and my friend (his wife) fears what could happen if he goes out during one of these raids. He could not advocate effectively for himself.  Given that we have deported US citizens caught in one of these ICE roundups, do you think he'd be safe.

RQS is a fair skinned black, somewhere in the mocha shade of skin tone.  She'd likely be tolerably safe, as she has an "American" accent. And that relative safety would likely extend to many "American Blacks" who speak with an "American" accent familiar to many ICE agents.  But that doesn't extend to their initial treatment by these "authorities", as there has been a different standard of justice for whites and blacks in America. I must note that Asian Americans may have similar treatment to American Blacks, but would be subject to similar risk factors.  Yet, even if I were a second or third generation Chinese American, would I feel safe if ICE was raiding a Chinatown neighborhood as they recently did in New York City?

The promise of the Orange Snowflake was to round up the criminals who were in the US illegally and deport them first.  Instead, he is aiming for quantity over quality, scooping up law abiding people (here legally or illegally) to make artificial quotas.  So, a wise gender nonconforming person can not feel safe in a society where every touch point with the Federal Government puts her/him at risk.

So, I've started my packing, and I'm disappointed that I won't be able to wear my summer dresses again. But, I still wouldn't do so on this cruise, as many of the islands in the Caribbean have similar backwards attitudes as our president.  I'll still be relatively comfortable and safe, but I won't be as happy as if I could present as my true self. 

 

 

 

 

 

California Vacation - Day 05 (San Francisco)

 

26 years ago, I scattered my late wife's ashes in a spot under the Golden Gate Bridge, right behind Fort Point.  Due to 9/11, this spot is no longer accessible to the public.  But I try to get as close as possible each time I visit this city.  Today's visit would be special, as I don't see myself coming back to this city for a while.

- - - - - -

When I got up this morning, I planned to drop by Fort Point and then visit the Swan Oyster Depot for lunch.  My plans were to visit the fort first, and then take Muni (SF's Mass Transit system) to the Oyster Depot for lunch.  These plans were blown to pieces early in the day, when a lady asked if she could share my table at the buffet.

This lady and I start chatting, and it was as if we had been related to each other in a prior life.  We chatted from 9:30 am to 2:00 pm without stopping.  She never picked up on the fact that I am not a cisgender woman, as I code shifted my conversation to refer to my life with my late wife as if she were my late husband.  We talked about many of the things that only women could experience, such as "Boob Sweat" and struggles with one's bra.  We talked about our late spouses.  And we talked about what we liked about the opposite sex.  (I can translate well in a pinch.)  So, when her friend called her, I took this as a good opportunity to make my way to Fort Point via trolley car and bus.

Getting to Fort Point from Pier 27 is relatively easy.  One takes the historic trolley to Fisherman's Wharf, then walks a couple of blocks to catch the 28 bus to the Golden Gate Bridge.  From there, it's a walk of 0.8 miles (all downhill) to the shoreline and then to the Fort.  Once I paid my respects to my late wife (for which this might be the last time), I decided to make it back to the bus station for my return to the ship.  What was an "easy" 0.8 mile downhill walk was an arduous 200 foot uphill trek back (over the same 0.8 miles) to the bus stop.  By the time I reached the bus stop, I felt that I needed a shower.  Only one problem - it would have to be quick, because I had a 5:00 pm reservation at the ship's steakhouse and I would likely be a few minutes late.

When I arrived at the ship, I proceeded to my room, then stripped, showered, dressed (in fresh clothing), and reapplied my makeup before going downstairs to dine.  I chose both the sea scallops (with salmon roe) and the French Onion Soup for appetizers before trying the veal chop.  Although the veal chop was good for what it was, I found that it was not the cut of veal that I like to eat because of the texture of the meat.  (Give me a good queen cut of prime rib from Peter Luger any day....)  However, I don't have any regrets in trying this cut of veal, as I try to try out new things to eat whenever I can.

After dinner, I realized that I needed to rest, and I fell out for an hour or so.  Shortly after waking up for a while, I exchanged a series of messages with RQS before calling it an early night.

Often, being Transgender is very mundane.

 

There are many trans people who get lost in the pink fog, and rush into things needlessly.  Yes, they have new found freedom in being able to express their authentic selves.  But they often forget that the real world usually doesn't care whether a person is trans or not.  As a result, many things slip while a trans person explores her/his new place in the world.  Eventually, the trans person and reality have to get back in sync with each other, and the mundane things in life take over.  This is not a bad thing.  A successful transition will enable one to experience the mundane as one's authentic self.

As my loyal readers will note, many of the entries I've posted in this blog are not those where going out in the world is a novel experience, as they were in my previous blog.  Instead, my current entries are those which deal with the issues I face in life - either as a male or female.  Many of them have unusual twists, such as my travels while presenting as a female and carrying male ID.  Yet, I try to say things that might be of interest to the trans person just coming out.  It takes a lot of courage for many trans people to out themselves.  And for many, they are unable to be completely out because of their real life commitments.  For example, one trans woman I know is a doctor whose wife accepts her presenting as a female, as long as she doesn't go 24x7. (There are issues with both her career and her family that get in the way of being out to the world.)  Another trans woman I know outed herself, and lost contact with many in her family. Trans people often lose family, friends and careers in order to be their authentic selves, so I encourage trans people considering outing themselves to think things through and be careful when they do so.

At my stage of being trans, I exist in a happy medium.  Since I am not very gender dysphoric, I can live in either gender as needed.  But I must revert to being Marian for my sanity.  I am comfortable staying at this point in the transition process for romance, unlike many trans folk. And in this way, I am lucky, as I have someone who accepts me for who and what I am now.  Others are not so lucky.  Recently, I found out that one trans woman I know reverted to her male identity for romance,  and has recently returned to a female identity.  (Did romance influence either or both changes?)   

One thing I wish I could change more effectively is my voice - it is still picked up as being male on the phone.  And this is something that many M2F trans people have to deal with.  A trans acquaintance of mine had surgery to raise the pitch of her voice. But she is still perceived as a male over the phone, as her speech patterns still have a masculine imprint.  It takes a lot of work to develop female vocal mannerisms, but it doesn't get in the way for most of us in our lives.

So now, we end up dealing with the mundane.  I still have to pay my bills throughout the month.  I still have doctors' appointments for our ailments (as I will have a week from today for a GI Tract issue).  And I still need to take care of the everyday tasks of life, such as laundry.  Most of the time, a trans person's life will be mundane, as other than our gender dysphoria, we are living everyday lives.  Even when something "exciting" happens (such as having a wallet stolen in Chicago), I do what I would be doing as if I were simply a cisgender person, and am treated the same as if I were just a cisgender person.  The only difference is that I have to be on the watch out for people who hate trans people because we don't fit into their view of the world.  And that's a small price I pay for being my authentic self.....     

A trans person now living in their originally assigned gender

 

I'm going to try and not mention the name of the person who inspired this post.  The reason I am doing so is to protect this person's privacy - even though this person was "out" for the better part of a decade.  

- - - - - -

I didn't know much about the LGBT community when I decided to come out.  Even more importantly, I didn't know much about being transgender, nor did I know people who have identified themselves as trans and later decided that they were not trans.  Today, I have found out that one person I know as a M2F trans gal is going back to live as a cisgender male.

It came as a shock that this person has reverted to the gender assigned at birth.  But I saw a sign of this the other day, when I saw a post for a performance he was going to be in.  Now that I know what is going on, I am glad that I didn't make the effort to go see him that day.  I wasn't prepared to see him and be in a situation where both of us might be uncomfortable.

Reverting to a former identity is not easy, and takes as much courage as outing one's self in the first place.  This person has found that living as a trans female has helped him in his life as a cisgender male.  As for me, I have found that my male identity has improved, now that I am out and living as a bi-gendered person.  Am I trans?  Yes.  I'd rather have been born with the other "plumbing" configuration.  Yet, I don't have the severe gender dysphoria that many trans people have.  

Hopefully, this person will be happy in whatever life brings to him/her.  Will he revert to a trans identity?  Some trans people have gone back and forth between identities. Yet, most tend to retain a trans identity once they are "out" to the world.  I'm looking forward to being in contact with him sometime in the future.  But I just don't want it to be an awkward meeting.....

Gallery Sitting

Today was a day that I spent Gallery sitting for Arts Westchester. I was told in advance to bring a book, as not that many people would be visiting the gallery on a weekday.  So I was prepared for a boring day, which it was for the first hour or so.  And then, an occasional person or two visited the center, giving me a chance to talk with people and keep myself busy.

But first....

I had set my alarms to get me up early, and they worked their magic as desired.  However, not having enough sleep the night before, it took me a while to get moving.  After doing my daily routine, I was able to get out the door by 11 am - just enough time for me to make it to the gallery by noon.  

Just as the clock struck 12 (to use an old expression), the heavy metal outside doors to the gallery started opening.  But the lady in charge had a hard time opening the doors, as they were rubbing against the bottom of the door frame.  (Both WD-40 on the hinges and wax on the door frame might help, and I suggested this to the person in charge of the gallery.)  The lady (who I will leave unnamed) showed me around, and I started my shift at the gallery.

During the day, several people came in to visit the gallery, and one of them bought a coupe of scarfs. Another said that she wants to bring her small meetup group there soon. But this was not all.  A woman from one of my meetup groups came by to do her volunteer shift a couple of floors above me, and we chatted for a few minutes.  It seemed like "old home week" at times, as I also met another person who was part of the Arts Westchester volunteer program.

Finally, it was time to close things out for the day.  Women had responded to me as if I were a cisgender woman, and that's the way I liked it.  The more I get practice interacting with cisgender woman as a woman, the less I'll worry about my remaining masculine traits being a problem for me.
 

Deciding how to get dressed can be hard for me - A short post.

 

For most people, it's easy to figure out how to get dressed for the day.  For me, things are a little more complicated.  First, I need to make sure of which gender presentation is expected of me that day. And only then can I make the next decision - what to wear.  Most of the time, this is a simple process.  If the day involves foul weather, strenuous work, or otherwise requires the presence of Mario, I dress as a male.  However, if the day allows or requires Marian's presence, I dress as a female. And then, I try to figure out what a cisgender female would likely wear that day.

Normally, I keep track of my future presentations by color coding entries in my online calendar.  But this doesn't always work for me, as I have to allow for days where I present as Marian for part of the day, then Mario for the other part of the day. So far, I don't recall many days where I start the day as Marian, switch to Mario, and then back to Marian.  But I'm pretty sure that I have had to do this switch on occasion.

As Marian, I try to wear dresses as often as possible.  RQS says that I'm more of a girly girl than she is.  In response, I remind her that she will always be the cisgender female in the relationship.  (Yes, I use other words.  But I use them to reinforce her femininity and  the idea that I can and will not compete with her true femininity.)  So far, she is comfortable with this.  But sometimes, I wonder....

A quick note on a dinner I had with a friend

 

Thinking doesn't always come easy to me.  But when I think, I think hard.  (Or, am I hardly thinking?)  But to be serious, I met with a friend who wanted to find out what I thought of the situation she was in.

- - - - - -

Over dinner, my friend told me about the issues she was having with a man in her life.  Like her other friends, I told her that she should tell this fellow goodbye, then block his number on her phone.  He seemed to be calling her when he had no one available to see or talk with, and that he was only interested in her for the purposes of having sex.  AARGH.

After hearing her story, (Transgender) Mama Marian got into action (as if she was Cisgender) and told her what to do in no uncertain terms.  And then, like a good Mama, I then gave her ideas of what to do with her life.  As I see it, she needs to learn the skills needed to have a well paying career, find a good man, and then (if she wants) to be ready to have a baby before this option is no longer available to her.  

When I got home, I chatted with RQS.  she got a big laugh when I told her that I performing in the role of a cisgender woman, using language that identified me as a cis-woman, such as "us women", "I was unable to conceive and carry a baby to term", etc.  Although the advice would be just as valuable coming from a male, it would not be received in the same way.  I noted that all hetero men seem to be interested in getting laid.  And there is nothing wrong with that.  Women, having more to risk when having sex, tend to need men who will care for them even when sex can not be offered.  

I figured that RQS would chew me out if I did anything wrong.  However, she seemed to approve of what I did, as it was meant to help this woman friend.  Hopefully, what I said will make a positive difference in my friend's life.

How much is too much?

 

How much is too much?  That is a question I have to ask as I clean up my apartment.  During the pandemic, I had allowed clutter to reach a critical mass.  And, I allowed myself to be entertained by online retail therapy.  In cleaning out the place, I've already donated several bags of clothing to charity, and will likely to donate more in the near future.

One of my weaknesses is to surf the web for dresses that both fit me and will look good on me.  Most cisgender females do not own as many dresses as I own.  But I wasn't able to wear dresses until I reached my 50's.  So, in a way, I'm making up for lost time.  Yet, as I develop my own sense of style, I end up tossing dresses that no longer fit my needs.  In the past, I would stand out because I was wearing dresses when cisgender women would default to wearing trouser like garments.  Now, I have a style which includes these garments when appropriate to wear them.  

If one is a lucky transgender person, one will have the resources to make the mistakes I've made while coming into her own. A word of warning to people newly out - you will stand out like a sore thumb as I did. To some, we may look like drag queens, as we go too far in our attempts to look female. Over time, things will fit into place, and you will blend in if you try to do so.  This might just be a function of finding out how much is too much....

It's Raining!

Yesterday, the weather forecast said that we would get a heavy rain starting tonight and running into overmorrow (an unfortunately obsolete English word meaning: the day after tomorrow).  Given that the forecast calls for 6 inches of rain falling between now and then, I do not plan to "dress pretty" when I go to work for the next 2 days.

- - - - - -

I had some errands I wanted to do after work today, and I was unable to do them, as I wanted to be home before the rains started.  Instead of doing these tasks, I decided to catch up with some people with whom I've been out of contact with for months.

Luckily, I saw that the closet rod in the closet holding my female wardrobe still is in place.  But leaving it in place is only a short term way of dealing with a problem - I need a new rod with a center support, so that I can't overload the rod anymore.  Right now, this is my excuse to fill another "Donation Bag."  and I'm preparing to donate clothes which no longer fit my style and taste.

When I extracted clothes for my first 2 donation bags, I found that I had clothes that I had bought almost a decade ago that I haven't worn in years.  Some of these garments are hard to let go of.  For example, I had 2 Lands End skirts that don't fit my needs anymore.  If I knew I'd be wearing them, I'd keep them in my closet.  But out they go!  The same goes for old shoes and other accessories I don't wear.  Now, I wear clothes which minimize my male pattern body, and emphasize the feminine parts that I should show off.  (Ex-GF-M always said that I have a great pair of legs, so I try to wear clothes which show them off.)

By the time I'm done, I may have 4, 5 or 6 donation bags to go to a good cause.  However, I try not to think of how much money I've spent on women's clothes which do not fit me well enough to keep.  At least, spending this money allowed me to learn what works and what doesn't work on my body.  Cisgender women learn this while they are young Transgender women usually learn this when they are older.  Thankfully, these lessons didn't break the bank....

 

I'm over the hill, but I don't mind it much.

 

For all practical purposes, it's been 7 years since I had my hands on a mainframe computer.  My programming skills have atrophied since then.  Yet, I am tempted to throw out a few applications to do some old fashioned Cobol programming.  Would I be good at it?  I'm not sure anymore.  I threw away all of my old manuals, never thinking that I'd ever need them again. Why do I mention this?  Well, I'm starting to see ads for remote work that my old skills could be used for.  As much as I am a relic, there are jobs around the country which now beg for remote workers.  And I wouldn't mind being one of them if I could get hired for a job befitting my skills. 

Sadly, I do not think I could brush up on all of my old skills and fake it with the skills I only had training for.  There are better qualified people than me out there, and no one wants to pay the big bucks for someone who is as obsolete as I am.  So, if there's work for me out there, it'll have to be grunt work.  Do I mind where I'm at now?  Not really.  I was able to retire a few years earlier than I had planned, and I have had the opportunity to explore the world as Marian - something which has helped me grow a lot as a person. 

The other day, I went to get a coat altered, getting the sleeves taken up about an inch and a half.  Today, when I went to pick it up from the tailor, I got into a discussion with the seamstress - who likely didn't suspect that I was not a cisgender female, except for my size. We talked about her marital problems, and I talked about my widowhood - with me translating my late wife's experience with cancer into that a male would have.  As long as the person doesn't know I'm transgender, it makes sense to talk about my past as if I'm cisgender. But I will talk about being transgender if things call for it - there is nothing to hide.  It's too bad that I don't have a good excuse to patronize her shop, as I would love to befriend this woman in the same way another cisgender woman would in the same situation.  Alas, this will likely not happen.

I may be over the hill, and far from any important rat races. But the view from here looks as good as the view I had 20 years ago - for very different reasons.  I now know what I want from the rest of my life, and I'm investing the time to get it.  I just wish I had this wisdom while my wife was alive - she deserved to be with someone who fully appreciated her while she was alive....

Recently, I heard something through the grapevine.

It's not easy being transgender.  Do we out ourselves to make general conversation?  Do we hide things about our lives? Or, do we talk about our lives, flipping genders as needed to eliminate some cognitive dissonance with people we may meet?

Recently, I heard about one person who attended a recent meetup of one of my groups that had negative words to say about me.  (I won't say anything about this person or how I heard this information for privacy purposes.)  But it got to me a little.  It's not because I was pegged as being transgender that bothered me.  Instead, it was this person's attitude towards me and others.  This person is a social bully who dominates every conversation he gets into (from what I've seen from a meetup I attended), not paying any attention to cues given by the people he is with.

When something bothers you, do you ask why it bothers you?  Well, I've learned that we tend to see in others those things that we dislike about ourselves.  In my case, it was a reminder that I was not born as a cisgender female, that I am not thin, and that I still have far to go regarding my social skills.

In life, we can either use these emotional hits as tools to grow, or we can allow them to diminish us.  I choose to grow, and not be harmed by one person's unthinking actions and words.  And I hope that my readers can do the same as well.