I woke up late today, and did nothing of note.

 

I didn't want to get up today.  I was comfortable in bed and didn't want to get up - until I needed to take a bio-break.  That's when I looked at my watch to find that Mickey was getting held up!

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At last night's board meeting, we were frustrated by three no-shows at our zoom meeting.  Luckily, the fourth vendor gave a good presentation.  Although we need to interview more vendors, we feel good about this one.  That's enough said on that issue - I don't want to say whether I'd award him the contract, nor do I want to say what he was bidding on. 

This morning, I received an email from our managing agent, apologizing for the problem.  Since the email came from the new fellow, I am not going to jump on his back too much.  But this apology made me reconsider the wording I'd use on the meeting minutes, and I edited them before, and reword the paragraph so that the new site representative would not suffer too much from his mistake.

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Afterward, I ended up doing a lot of nothing, and this was just as well.  The Broadway play I was thinking of seeing was sold out, and I no longer had a good reason to make it into NYC.  Although I could have gone to the furniture store to buy the sofa I wanted, I decided not to leave my apartment. Do I regret doing nothing?  Yes and no.  It would be nice if I had a better reason to get up in the morning. This is a problem with retirement, and one I deal with on a regular basis.  And this is why I used to attend as many meetups as possible - I like human companionship, and it gives me a reason to rise and shine in the morning....

Another day without much to say.

 

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Today, I ended up doing absolutely nothing other than watching TV.  The weather was supposed to be terrible, and I had no reason to go outside.

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One of the problems of living alone during the pandemic is loneliness.  Unlike some people I know, I am not good at finding meetup groups that interest me.  Additionally, not many groups are meeting in person until after the pandemic ends.  So, I am temporarily unable to connect with new people until the end of the pandemic.

As much as I've reached out to be with new people, I know that few people are willing to open up their bubbles until they have been vaccinated.  So most of the people I've been in contact with are those women who I contact for dating.  One thing I've found is that many of the available nice women are those with special needs offspring.  Dating a person with children in his/her 30's/40's/50's is hard enough.  But when one is in his/her 60's, it can be a big problem. Who wants to take on the headaches of an adult child who can't take care of him/herself?

Since I have to be practical, I have to ask myself - can I deal with these headaches?  Could a woman accept someone like me in exchange for companionship?  Who knows? 

Being single isn't all it's cracked up to be.

As much as I wish some of my previous relationships could have lasted, I'm better for them having ended.  Some of these women couldn't accept me for who and what I was.  Others wanted to change me into something they wanted.  And still some others didn't have what it took to have a good relationship.  In my case, I've dealt with all of these types, and am still looking for someone who meets my unique needs.

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In the past year, I started to explore life more in Marian Mode, and I've grown to like who I've become much more than the person I was before.  Yes, I still have all the flaws and weaknesses I had before.  But I am much more comfortable with them now.  Although I have lost a close friend due to my screw-ups, have had a nasty break up with a former girlfriend, lost my father due to the pandemic, I'm starting to come out on the other side of things stronger than I was before.

Although I enjoy not having to make my apartment presentable for special visitors, I miss having that "regular visitor" coming to my place (or me to her place) to share time with.  The strange part of my recent experience is that I felt lonely for the first few months after my recent breakup, but I don't miss her anymore.  The bitterness triggered (and documented before in this blog) burnt away any affection I had towards this person.  And that's a shame for both of us.

Recently, I've dated several ladies, most of which know that I go out as Marian and have a good time while out.  One of these ladies may be trying to rush into a relationship with me, and that is making me wonder what is wrong that I'm not noticing.  Not having either of the close friends I had last year leaves me to figure this out all on my own.  And therein lies a problem that all single people face: Who can you turn to when important decisions must be made?  If one has close friends, it's easy. But, if one is rebuilding a network of friends, this is another problem to be dealt with.  There is only so much one can dump on an acquaintance.

When I was married, I never had to worry about this.  I had a wife, and she would have to deal with some of the consequences of any bad decision I made.  So she always had some input in the form of advice.  Sadly, like the cat she said "was mine", I didn't appreciate her enough while she was alive. She was one of the two people to whom I wish I had said "I love you" on a frequent basis.  But I can't and won't live in the past.

Do I wish I still had someone special to care for?  Yes.  But until (or if) she comes along, I'll just have to get by.  Hopefully, a second wave of the pandemic won't get in the way of my search....