I was hemming and hawing about which day to take care of things

 

By the time you read this, I will have already made my decision on alternatives to choose from, and taken care of my responsibilities.

Let me explain....

My ex-boss was killed due to a drunk driver doing a hit-and-run over the weekend, leaving him with injuries that caused his death the day afterwards.  I just received information on when he is being buried, as well as the 3 days the family is sitting Shiva. (Traditionally, Jews sit Shiva for 7 days, but many non-traditional people reduce the duration of this practice.)  And here is where my conflict arises.

I just received an email regarding a second sample sale that Universal Standard is having this weekend. If I were to go to the sample sale on Thursday, I'd have to visit the family on Sunday.  If I were to go to the burial, I wouldn't be able to go to the sample sale, as plans for Friday, Saturday and Sunday preclude a sample sale visit.  The way I am leaning right now, I'll go to the sample sale tomorrow and hope that I can find either of the cashmere or merino wool sweaters I want (at a great discount), and get back home before rush hour.  If I can do this, I'll have the option of visiting the family before the end of the day on Thursday.  If I can't get back before rush hour, I'd still be able to visit on Sunday - on our way to the Jersey shore.  

You might be asking about my plans for Friday and Saturday.  Well, this is RQS's birthday weekend, and I want to make sure that our original and paid for plans aren't interrupted by unplanned for events. RQS knows about my minor dilemma, and will support me no matter what I do.

There are so many trips I want to take, but so little time and money left to do them.

 

Lately, I've been thinking of the places I want to see and the trips I want to take. As much as I'd like a companion to travel with, there's a part of me that enjoys traveling alone.  Having been widowed more than twice as long as I was married, part of me yearns for having someone with whom I can build a history with. And there's another part of me that needs to chart my own path.

I'm not sure whether any companion I may travel with might accept traveling with Marian.  It's more costly per person to travel as a single than to travel with a companion.  And my frugality recognizes that I miss FCP for this reason (among others). But now, it's time for me to figure out which trips will be important to me and which trips I can take - preferably as Marian, if possible.

On my list, in no particular order or sequence are the following trips I'm giving a high priority:

• Great Britain and Ireland, with a week in London, returning on the Queen Mary
• Iceland (preferably on a cruise ship), doing the ring around the island.
• Panama Canal Cruise (old locks)
  
• Hawaii (already booked)
• Cross Country Train from NYC to/from Seattle
• Cross Country Train from Toronto to/from Vancouver
• Cross Country Car trip, seeing the USA in a car other than a Chevrolet.
  (The details of such trip have yet to be defined.)

Some trips (not on this list) will be done twice, once as Mario and (hopefully) once as Marian. The first trip would be to find out what procedures exist for entering and leaving a foreign land, as the last thing I need is to be hassled outside the USA because I prefer to travel as Marian.  

However, traveling pretty (as Kim might put it) is not my only travel related issue.  So is time and money. The cost of travel insurance for foreign travel gets more expensive as I get older, and I am already approaching 65 too quickly. Additionally, it seems like more demands are being made of my time these days, so I have less time available to travel. Finally, I now have a finite supply of money, and need to budget it carefully for the rest of my life.  So, the key to part of my future happiness is that I have to be ruthless in choosing my trips, as I want to be sure that I get the most out of the time and money I have left to me.

Until I find my new normal, I look both ways....

 

I often find myself thinking of mistakes I made in the past and what I could have done differently.  No, I can not change the past, nor do I regret many of the decisions I have made.  Instead, I want to learn as much as possible from my past, and make sure that I don't make similar mistakes in the future.

- - - - - - 

When crossing a road, we are taught to look both ways before crossing.  Now, I look both at the past and my future to figure out what I want to do next in life.  For example, I looked at my most recent past relationship, and realized that I needed to place a higher emphasis on communication in a relationship, instead of just getting along too smoothly.  I also look at the future, and wonder if someone like FH would be what I need.  She is not shy about making her needs known to me, and can drive me up the wall sometimes while doing so - and I'm glad she can do this, given the failure of my recent past.

I also wonder whether I should stay in the workforce as a full time worker, and whether I would work as Mario or Marian.  If I were to get a receptionist or office worker type position, I want to work as Marian.  There is something I like about appearing as a professional woman that fits my image of myself as Marian.  Yet, I like the image of a technical worker that I was as Mario. Which path should I choose if both were to be open to me at the same time?

It's not easy making these decisions, as I will have to live with them for a long while.  But I am glad that I'm in a position to make these decisions, instead of being held back by fear.

Being single isn't all it's cracked up to be.

As much as I wish some of my previous relationships could have lasted, I'm better for them having ended.  Some of these women couldn't accept me for who and what I was.  Others wanted to change me into something they wanted.  And still some others didn't have what it took to have a good relationship.  In my case, I've dealt with all of these types, and am still looking for someone who meets my unique needs.

- - - - - -

In the past year, I started to explore life more in Marian Mode, and I've grown to like who I've become much more than the person I was before.  Yes, I still have all the flaws and weaknesses I had before.  But I am much more comfortable with them now.  Although I have lost a close friend due to my screw-ups, have had a nasty break up with a former girlfriend, lost my father due to the pandemic, I'm starting to come out on the other side of things stronger than I was before.

Although I enjoy not having to make my apartment presentable for special visitors, I miss having that "regular visitor" coming to my place (or me to her place) to share time with.  The strange part of my recent experience is that I felt lonely for the first few months after my recent breakup, but I don't miss her anymore.  The bitterness triggered (and documented before in this blog) burnt away any affection I had towards this person.  And that's a shame for both of us.

Recently, I've dated several ladies, most of which know that I go out as Marian and have a good time while out.  One of these ladies may be trying to rush into a relationship with me, and that is making me wonder what is wrong that I'm not noticing.  Not having either of the close friends I had last year leaves me to figure this out all on my own.  And therein lies a problem that all single people face: Who can you turn to when important decisions must be made?  If one has close friends, it's easy. But, if one is rebuilding a network of friends, this is another problem to be dealt with.  There is only so much one can dump on an acquaintance.

When I was married, I never had to worry about this.  I had a wife, and she would have to deal with some of the consequences of any bad decision I made.  So she always had some input in the form of advice.  Sadly, like the cat she said "was mine", I didn't appreciate her enough while she was alive. She was one of the two people to whom I wish I had said "I love you" on a frequent basis.  But I can't and won't live in the past.

Do I wish I still had someone special to care for?  Yes.  But until (or if) she comes along, I'll just have to get by.  Hopefully, a second wave of the pandemic won't get in the way of my search....