Sometimes, being transgender can be quite boring.

One thing I tell most newly "out" transgender people (or, those who are thinking of coming "out") is that living as one's true gender does not erase any problem one is having.  If one is having family problems, living authentically may only make things worse.  (In the case of one TG woman I know, living an authentic life forced her into poverty, and put walls up between her and her family.)  But what should a TG person do?  Should one live a lie, and preserve a family and a career?  Or, should one make the decision to be authentic, and risk losing many of the things we value most?

As readers of this (and my previous) blog know, I lost a love (in part) because of my transgender nature.  I also found out what a former friend really thought of me, with her words of anger.  At least, I know that my immediate family and close friends would have stood by me had the ex carried through on her threats. But should anyone have to risk things like this?

Many of us worry about our jobs, as a large number of TG people live in states where we are not protected (or actually harmed) by law.  One inactive blogger I know lives in one of these states.  Although her family knows that she travels en-femme, she would have little protection in her state if her management took a dislike to her for this reason.  Because of this, she is careful when she comes out of the closet.

But what happens when one has paid the price to live an authentic life?

To answer the above question, I feel that the answer is best answered by the phrase: "It Depends."  In my case, I still have my foot in both the masculine and feminine worlds.  It's a trade off I'm willing to make to have a romantic life with a good woman.  I live on a pension, soon to be supplemented by income from social security and a 401k.  Yet, if things were different when I was much younger, I'd have rather lived as Marian for most of my adult life.

Now that I'm able to go out and about, my life has grown rather mundane.  I don't have that much to talk about at times - just like a "normal" cisgender person.  I still remember my former cruise partner getting mad because I mentioned too much about her life in my former blog.  Sadly, parts of her life were like a soap opera, and it was hard to keep on the correct side of the blogging line.  So, I'm much more careful in writing this blog, knowing that I might bore people from time to time with the mundane details of my life.

So what will I be writing about in the future?

Although I will continue to write about my mundane life, I will also be writing about my travels.  Some of these travels will be as Marian.  And other travels will be as Mario.  Hopefully, I will be able to continue my travels to more and more places and provide my readers with interesting stories based on my adventures along the way.

The Hawaii Cruise is on!

 

Above is an image of the Pride of America (POA).  This is the only major American flagged and staffed cruise ship that I expect to be on.  (I'm excluding river cruising, as those vessels are smaller and cater to a different type of traveler.)  POA replaced another ship that was built in 1951 (SS Independence) which had outlived its usefulness, but was living on simply because of the Passenger Vessel Services Act of 1886. 

The Hawaiian cruise I'll be taking will be on POA.  I'll be able to spend the better part of 11 days in Hawaii, instead of the 4 or 5 I could spend on a foreign flagged vessel.  But I'll pay twice as much for a POA inside cabin for half as much time at sea on a foreign flagged vessel.  Is it worth the extra cost?  Everyone I know who has taken this cruise says "Yes!"  And it is this cruise that I wanted to take before the pandemic, a cruise that a former girlfriend from a more than two decades ago would have been on.  Could you imagine what she would have said if she saw me as Marian on this cruise?

Right now, I intend to take this cruise in Marian mode.  I feel much more comfortable in a dress than I do in a pair of shorts.  Hawaii is the place where a woman wearing a brightly colored floral dress blends in with most other women.  So I fully expect that women will see me as a fat woman, and not a man in a dress.  Yet, this trip may get cancelled - but not because of anything I do.  NCL is cancelling cruises for some POA cruisers, so that can serve those who actually get to sail with all the attention they would normally get on a normally staffed ship.  NCL is offering generous compensation for those people affected by these cancellations, and I won't cry much if this happens.  Not only would my $8500 be refunded to my credit card, but I'd receive future cruise credit (FCC) as well.

Keep your fingers crossed.  I'll have a lot to say about it as we get closer to sailing date.

A thought on an angry ex friend

One reaps what one sows.  This is so true in many ways.  I lost a friend by revealing too much about her inner thoughts, and I will not be forgiven.  But now, I have an answer to a question that's been bothering me for a while....

FCP contacted me today, commenting on events that happened in the past.  In her anger, she supplied clarification about a conversation we had, communications between her and my ex-girlfriend, and her thoughts on my ex's feelings.  I don't believe that I said anything recently about FCP that she should have taken offense to, but one never knows what goes on in a person who feels she has been betrayed, and what she will do to feel she has gotten her payback.

Part of today's communication had pictures of FCP's family, FCP commenting that these are people I'd never see again.  Well, I know she's sending these pictures out of anger, trying to rub in what I lost.  But I discounted the possibility of seeing her son, daughter in law, and now their baby long ago, as FCP doesn't have it in herself to let her anger go and consider forgiveness.  Forgiveness benefits the forgiver much more than the person being forgiven, as it releases any control that the repressed anger has on you.  Some of what FCP said hints at a former over dependence on daily conversations with me. And yes, I had a dependence on these communications as well.  I grew from our friendship ending, and I hope she has done so as well.

Now, I did not tell the ex-girlfriend that I had my earlier conversation with FCP.  FCP had said that she's get in trouble if I said anything, so I kept my mouth shut.  But... FCP opened her mouth to the ex, as I'd bet that she needed to know if I said anything about the conversation.  It's not worth stirring things up with the ex, and FCP has been a lost cause for the past 2 1/2 years.

What I find curious is that FCP found my blog interesting and discussed it often with the ex.  I guess that FCP still found me interesting enough to follow, even though I had little to say about her anymore.   I also find it interesting that FCP has soured on communicating with the ex, as without me being a topic, the ex has nothing to talk about that FCP finds interesting.  

FCP claims that she has blocked me.  Who knows?  She is an angry woman who gets upset when she doesn't get the results she wants.  For me, she is finally out of my life, and leaving my mind quickly. I only wonder if she has/or will go back to some of the habits she used to have when I once knew her. I hope not - she has done a few things in the past 2 1/2 years which I feel she should be proud of.

 

 

PS: The ex-girlfriend sent me an interesting message shortly after I received the communication from FCP.  I will not go into the content, save to mention that FCP had no right to put words into the ex-girlfriend's mouth.

How things have changed

 

This is not a flattering picture of me.  But it is a reminder that I need to do something about my weight.

Why do I mention this?

First, I started going out in the world as Marian, knowing I was far from perfect.  It took a lot of internal energy to start going out in the world as Marian, and I was very scared to have people know about me where I live. Now, I don't care who sees me in either presentation.

Second, at the beginning of the pandemic, I was having problems with an ex girlfriend regarding meetup groups which she didn't want me attending.  Although she was able to blackball me from the one surviving group from that time, it really doesn't matter much anymore.  I don't have the time or energy to go to many of these functions any more.

Third, as much as I like having a job to keep me from getting too lethargic, I'm now at the point where I'm planning to retire for good.  It's a strange feeling for me, as I have almost never left a job on my own volition. The census was a job that I knew was going to end as soon as I took it.  I was laid off from most of my other jobs, as I either didn't perform up to standards, or that I was caught up in a purge - as happened at the bank I worked for 30 years.

Now that I have other things to do with my life, I may end up changing the frequency of published entries here, as I do not have enough to say for all of the 7 days of the week.  I'm out and about socially as Marian these days, and I am fully comfortable in the role of Marian.  There is not much new to me as Marian anymore, so I've been talking about other things than my life as Marian.  So to keep publishing new entries, I will be talking more about things going on in the world than what's going on in my life.  Hopefully, my readers will find this interesting....

Cancer Sucks!

 

As I was parking in my usual parking spot, I saw a neighbor walking with a cane.  Normally, he's in the best of health and able to take on an army without showing any stress.  So what gives?  Since he was having trouble getting out of his friend's car, I couldn't help but ask him "What happened?"  And the answer surprised me - he has lymphoma.  Since I don't want to give out any information which can identify him further, I will say nothing about the type of work he does, save that it requires him to be in the best of health.

- - - - - -

This development explains why his car hasn't moved in days.  Luckily, this form of cancer has a 92% cure rate.  But he is worried.  He wants to make it to retirement age, sell his apartment, and move to where his money can go a lot further than it does here.  While we chatted, he mentioned the board member who had been treated for cancer, then died of Covid-19 at the beginning of the pandemic.  I mentioned that my late wife died of cancer.  But I stopped short of volunteering any help.  There is not much I could do for him, save to drive him back and forth between his apartment and medical appointments.  Given that I have little energy these days, I'd be a lousy person to give him much help.

Obviously, this man has at least one friend nearby that can help him.  TCL and I have the same problem - we don't have the friends who could help us if something like this happened to us.  There is no way that I could call on FCP or an ex-girlfriend for assistance, and I don't think I'd want to even consider them even if we were still friends.  (The ex-girlfriend showed her true colors when we had our kerfuffle, and FCP would use it as a cudgel to get what she wants in one way or another.  It's better that I remember all the help I gave her with getting to hospitals, etc. than to let her say it was a one way deal in my favor.)

I'm rooting for this neighbor.  Hopefully, he'll be one of the 92% who live more than 5 years after diagnosis.

Dating issues

 

I can still remember the days when I was getting to know my late wife.  These were the fun days in our relationship, where the future was wide open for the two of us.  After she died, forming relationships became much more complicated, especially with my transgender nature now being a factor.  And still, I would love to be like the girl in the picture above, save another woman sitting across from me. My most recent ex-girlfriend didn't understand this.  Although I am comfortable in both gender presentations, my generation looks at people like me with a strange gaze.  People like me confuse many people, and often make them feel uncomfortable.

Recently, I have had "the conversation" with a woman I've dated (I would now do this before any relationship started to become serious), and she hasn't run away from me yet.  Can I say that she is truly comfortable with me in Marian Mode?  No.  She has yet to see me in person as Marian.  And I wouldn't bet on anything until she does.

As much as I am not sleeping around, I figure that I have to move forward with my life.  A couple of weeks ago, FCP sent me a message with a picture of her grandson.  Even though she still made a big deal about my stupid actions of the past, she brought up the ex-girlfriend.  Along with another comment made at the ex-girlfriend's son's wedding, I got to wondering - does she want me to restore a broken relationship with my ex, so that FCP can forgive vicariously?  Who knows?  But I feel I can reasonably assume that what passed between me and my ex in 2020 makes it almost impossible for us to be intimate again - in any meaning.  (Maybe, the next time FCP reads this blog, she can send me a private message?  Nah, this would mean that she wants to figure out how to build a bridge to replace one which was burnt to cinders....)  

Right now, RQS and CWS are at the top of my list.  And I've deactivated my OK Cupid account, so that I can focus my efforts on women with whom I have a good shot of sharing a good future.  RQS is in the lead, and we're enjoying each other's company.  As I said, I will not "Roach" these women.  So I'll have to be very careful to stay friends with one until I'm absolutely sure that I'm in a solid relationship.

Cause and effect

 

The other day, I received a communication from someone who said that I betrayed her.  That word may be a little harsh, but I never meant to hurt this woman.  She then mentioned my ex-girlfriend as a comparison, and I responded - my ex betrayed me.  In short, I was saying that almost all people should get a second chance when no evil intent was intended.  Sadly, this person will likely hold her grudge forever. 

But this got me thinking a little....

One of the things this person has in common with my ex is a connection to me.  Could she have influenced the ex to do certain things?  Possibly.  In anger, people will do the strangest things and regret them later. But I was thinking in a very different direction.  What if the ex was trying to send me a signal, and it misfired in a way she couldn't expect?  When a person says they want to break up, one shouldn't expect a newly minted ex not to think about dating - even if it's the day after the breakup.

This triggered a thought about another woman I know who was separated from her husband for years. When he died, like me, she wanted to get back into the saddle as quickly as possible.  For both of us, this approach didn't lead us in the direction we expected to go.  In my case as of late, if I didn't go out in the world as Marian, I'd have had my choice of 2 different girlfriends.

As you can guess, I've been doing a lot of thinking while working.  My MP3 player can distract me only so much.  I get a lot of ideas for this blog while screen scraping or key entering data at the office.  Yet, only some of them have any value to me these days.  I don't want to include events from others' lives as I did in the past.  Yet, I must say that the chaos I saw first hand made for interesting reading for some people - especially one person who both spoke and wrote loudly.  

Lately, I don't go into as many meetups as I used to in the past.  I'm a little bit more picky now.  One group is hit and miss due to the small group size.  The other is hit and miss due to the distance to get there and to get home.  Do I miss them?  Sometimes.  But, I no longer need that many meetups to be with people. Strangely, that's a gift that my ex, this former acquaintance, and the pandemic have given to me. 

Catching up on little things

 

This is a wonderful work of stained glass from the Tiffany studio.  It's a damned shame that there is little demand for art like this today.  Other than viewing the Temple of Dendur, this one work made my day at the museum. It was been a long time since I've been to the Met, and even longer since I was there as Mario.  

- - - - - -

But I'm not in the mood to rehash yesterday's trip into NYC.  Instead, I'm looking to catch up on little things that I may have missed over the past few posts.

1. As much as I think CWS's complications may get in the way of us having a serious relationship, she surprised me today with one her responses - that she should have time to get together on weekends soon. (I won't go into details here, but it was a pleasant surprise.)

2. Today, I finally sent the card to FCP's son and daughter in law, saying Congratulations for a happy event that recently happened in their family.  In a week, FCP should receive an e-card to say "Congratulations!" as well.  There is one more happy event to come, and after that, I'll be done with that chapter of life.  At least, her son doesn't hold the grudge she holds.

3. Occasionally, I've joked with the ex-girlfriend in regard to her meetups.  After all the fighting we once did in regard to meetups in the Hudson Valley, I've had a little fun making jokes when I find out she has attended meetups in Westchester (and points South). One of my better jokes say, that at her rate, she'll be attending Florida based meetups soon.  (No, I'm not going to say more about this.)

4. I'm still dealing with NCL in regard to properly crediting my Latitudes points for my recent cruise. One day, I may write a full post in regard to their web site, and with their customer service areas, as their site is not the most friendly web site around.

5. Tax filing data still keeps coming to me.  Today, it was the information for my shares in the co-op. Tomorrow, who knows?  But everything should be available by month end.  Like last year (and the year before), I'll be emailing paperwork to my accountant.  Like a good doctor, a good tax pro is hard to find, and one switches from old to new very reluctantly.  And I hope not to switch for a while yet....

- - - - - -

As I said - these are all little things.  There are big things to come....

 

 

PS:  The NCL issue was resolved, but not the way I wanted it.  The offer was not valid for "Sailaway" cabins.   At least, I finally found the right department to which I should send an inquiry.

One day at a time

 

Right now, it seems as if most intelligent people are participating in a slow motion pandemic shutdown. The roads are less crowded than before I went on my cruise. Businesses are telling their workers that it is OK to work from home for another month or two. And people have again become wary of any activity where they would be in direct or indirect contact with a large number of people.

It seems as if everyone I talk to has come into contact with someone who has been infected by the Omicron variant of Covid-19.  And they are afraid of getting sick - even if fully vaccinated and boosted.  Some vaccinated people have heard horror stories about booster shots going wrong.  Others are sick and tired of the virus, and decided not to bother with the booster.  (My brother is one of these people, and he has gotten infected.  What's worse, he would prefer to get sick than to have been boosted.  Go figure.)  As a result of all this, people are staying home in droves.

This has gotten in my way, as none of the people I might see on weekends are comfortable going to restaurants any longer.  It doesn't help that our local governments are not comfortable instituting capacity limits in public places - they want people to go about their daily business with as few impediments as possible, as they don't want the economy to freeze up again.  So, by not sending a message to be cautious, the people who would be cautious are overcompensating for the lack of informed guidance from our politicians.

As for me, I'm willing to take my chances.  I've been vaccinated and boosted, and am not in the mood to go back to the mindset we had in 2020.  The other day, I chatted with my ex-girlfriend, and she noted that it was almost 2 years ago that everything shut down.  What she didn't recall was that I was trying to get her attention NOT to attend any public events her meetup group was having.  It's amazing that we're seeing similarities in what we're going through now with a time that things were much worse.  It'll be years before people have a "normal" reaction to events - this pandemic has over sensitized people to fearing the risk of illness.  I just wonder what our (great?) grandchildren will be thinking when another pandemic is likely to strike....

Meanderings

I don't own this dress anymore.  When I bought it, I thought it would look nice on me.  However, my style has changed a lot since then, and I no longer shop just for things that fit me.  Instead, I try to choose garments that both fit well and make me look pretty.

Why do I mention this?

My place was never as bad as it is now while I was seeing my last serious girlfriend.  I've more than documented the disastrous end to that relationship and the loss of two friendships when I could have used them most.  So I won't go into talk about the past, save that I miss having company now and then.  Right now, I have 5 large bags of clothes in my living room which have to go to charity.  And I want to do this (and more) before I have a woman come to this apartment.  It's been over 2 years since I've had a guest here, and I'd like to make it presentable for someone new - preferably before New Year..

Today, I talked to TCL on my way home and I was reminded about why a relationship never clicked between the two of us.  One might say that she is too smart for her own good.  But that alone wouldn't be an issue.  Instead, she is both too judgemental and wanting too much to tell others about what she thinks is the correct way to do things. For example, I mentioned  the issue with Amazon's last mile delivery, and she said that I should have dropped the mis-delivered packages off at the correct apartments. Since I was in a rush, I alerted one of the neighbors that her package was mis-delivered, and asked her to pick up the packages bound for her doorway.  She did not do that.  She was focusing on what she would have done, and not my telling of the story.  And that can be off-putting when one has to deal with it every day.

Given everything, I'm leery of buying anything from Amazon during this holiday season.  Yet, I just had two packages come that I ordered two days ago - each from different companies.  The first was a bigger box that contacted 3 packages of disposable makeup wedges.  The other contained two rolls of clear medical adhesive tape.  Both these things are in short supply at Walmart, Target, and local drug stores. But I could get them through Amazon.  And I will have a big enough supply before I'm on my cruise without worrying whether the brick and mortar stores will restock them in time for the cruise.  (I can still remember when Walmart had no house brand exfoliating makeup remover wipes in their stores, and going to buy out the last of the remaining stock in a nearby store.)  

There's a part of me that wishes there was a way to reconcile with the former cruise partner (FCP).  Yet there's another part that doesn't want to deal with her anymore.  We once had a "sail away" inside cabin (or ocean view cabin) which was directly below a lounge area.  She couldn't deal with the bands making music above our cabin until 11:00-11:30 pm, preventing her from relaxing.  So she hectored "hotel staff" on the ship until she got a satisfactory substitute - a balcony cabin.  I'd have accepted the original room, as we let the cruise line pick the room before sailing and they delivered on their side of the contract.  Although we got a nicer room, I didn't like how we got it.  And this would bother me if I had to deal with her again in any close relationship.  Sometimes, a person has to accept a "no" on minor things, so that s/he can demand a 'yes" on the important ones.

In short, I'm finding that I hate pushy people.  I don't like being pushed around, and will push back hard when pushed.  Sometimes, being pushy is appropriate for the matter at hand.  But when someone is too pushy for too long, I lose my tolerance for that person.  So far, TCL knows that limit with me.

 

A quick note: being too tired to do anything

One of the problems I've been having lately is that I'm too exhausted by the end of the day to do much of anything.  It could be clinical depression.  Or, it could be that I am no longer able to put in 40 hours of work every week.

- - - - - -

When the pandemic started, I got into a rut and let my apartment get too messy for me to have my cleaning lady come back.  Now that she is able to work again, I haven't been able to call her in - my place is too much of a mess.  It'll take me a while to dig myself out of the mess.  But at least I can still present myself as an attractive person outside the apartment.  (I use "attractive" loosely here, as I am not pretty by female standards.)  Yet, if I devote a little time to the process of mess clean up every day, I will finally get my place in order.

Why do I mention the state of my apartment?  Well, I believe that the apartment reflects my current place in my path towards femininity.  Not everything goes as expected.  None of us gets on this path and has everything go smoothly.  I lost a girlfriend (in part) because of this path.  Yet, I have no regrets.  I miss one former friend because of my stupidity. Yet, I've grown stronger because of her exit from my life.  This has been a benefit to me.  I'm in my second job where I can go as Marian.  Yet, I still have to maintain my identity as Mario.  Finding romance is complicated, as I can never be sure of how a woman will react to my identity as Marian.

- - - - - -

Travel along this path can be exhausting, and I have no regrets.  I'm finally out and about as my real self. And who can say that this is a bad thing?
 

 

Sometimes, I feel like the world is closing down on me.

 

Lately, I have been feeling down in the dumps because of a few minor things.  But I can sum it up in a simple phrase that could be worrisome if I didn't know myself: "The Thrill Has Gone."

- - - - - -

Since my then girlfriend and I broke up in 2019, I haven't found a new spark to ignite my passions.The woman I called FH in this blog and I stopped seeing each other this spring. The woman I call MWL and I have developed a non-physical relationship.  Given my experiences with the late Ex-GF-M, I don't think I can afford to open up too much to her - even though she is accepting of Marian AND does some exercise. Part of me wants to have a romantic relationship, but is no longer thrilled by the effort it takes to have one.  But being alone is also unfulfilling.

If my "large" apartment was as neat, tidy and organized as the one in the picture, I'd probably be able to invite people now and then.  Alas, it's messy enough to keep me from getting any value out of having a cleaning lady come over.  Sooner or later, I'll have to try to get my cleaning lady back, and see if she can take over where she left off before the pandemic set in.

- - - - - -

The other day, I got an email saying that an interview had been scheduled for me with the New York Court system.  However, when I needed to print a document so that I could physically sign it, my printer ran out of ink.  Wouldn't you know it - I couldn't find any of the ink cartridges I had in my apartment.  So I'll have to go out and buy new ones.  AARGH!

I talked to the hostess of my Yonkers gaming group, and told her of the Court System interview.  She advised me to go as Mario.  And this is what I already planned to do before speaking with her.  This woman is a good resource for me, as she has her finger on the pulse of what is going on in the real world.

If I were to get the job, it'll feel a little strange going to work in trousers again.  But I found that being Marian helps keep me sane; this presentation just doesn't need to be an everyday occurrence.  Too bad that some people didn't understand this....

 

 

 

Odds and ends - nothing uneven or ending about them.

 

 

First, I won't say much about a conversation I had today.  But if handled wrong, it could have led me (and the other party) down a rabbit hole of accusations, as someone else's problems reflected issues related to me that should have been addressed in the past.  Luckily, I managed to avoid the rabbit hole, and not get stuck with indirectly referencing my past.

Next, something my immediate supervisor said at the office today leads me to believe that they are gradually planning for my exit.  If that's true, I won't cry much.  In less than a week, I'll probably be happy about it, as I will have the freedom to book a "bucket list" cruise.  No, it's not the cruise I really want to take.  Instead, it allows me to get most of what I want out of a trip to Hawaii without breaking the bank.

Now that I've talked to the custodian firm for my 401k, I'm ready to take a couple of one-time distributions.  However, I must talk to my tax lady and a financial planner before I start this process.  If I were closer to the age I could start collecting Social Security without early penalties, I'd do so.  However, it pays for me to take some money out of the 401k, and let my SS benefits grow by 8% per year.  But this is not the only issue I have to deal with.  I need to find out what are my best options involving Medicare, as well as whether I can find affordable Long Term Care insurance.

Last night, I went to visit an ex-girlfriend.  No, I'm not talking about my most recent significant ex.  Instead, I'm talking about an ex with whom I broke up about 20 years ago.  We are still friends, and this was the first dinner we've had together since before the pandemic hit.  So we had a lot to catch up on - and catch up we did.  Although I had tasty leftover BBQ ribs to take home, they didn't make it to my car.  Sadly, I left them on top of the parking pay station before I went upstairs to fetch my car from the lot.  It was just as well, as the food in this place was a touch salty, and I didn't need to have any more.  If anything, I'd have liked to chat more with my ex.  Hopefully, next time, her husband will be there as well.  He is a great guy, and I know that they are better together than we ever could have been. 

Lately, I've been looking at taking a Hawaii cruise.  The 11 day cruise tour offered by NCL is way over priced, as they have taken actions which should help reduce the spread of the virus on their ship.  Unfortunately, reducing available cabins to limit the number of passengers has also resulted in excessive price increases.  So a cruise I could have taken for about $5,000 (after all expenses) before the pandemic would not cost me about $12,000+.  There is no way I plan to spend that kind of coin for a 10 day cruise tour with the route below:

Instead, I am looking at the following cruise being offered by Holland America.  This seems to be a much better current value, I could get 18 days on a cruise ship, but only 6 days in Hawaii instead of the 10 I'd get on Norwegian.

This cruise would still keep me in the $5,000 base.  But I would still need to deal with transportation, gratuities, and excursions.  Yet, this is the trip I will likely take, as I don't see the Norwegian Cruise becoming cheaper anytime soon.  I mentioned this to a friend, and she sent me a link saying that people of our age shouldn't be going on cruises at this time.  The one issue I have regarding this cruise might be the air travel needed to reach San Diego.  I hate flying, with all the TSA headaches.

However, I have a plan to help me minimize the effect of TSA on my travels.  If I can't avoid security theater, I can make sure I'm not on stage for long. There are two TSA Trusted Traveler Programs that I am interested in: Pre-Check and Global Entry.  For the extra $15, I'm leaning towards Global Entry - even though I've never flown outside of the USA.  (I have a niece that now lives in London, UK.)  With a trusted traveler number, I can breeze through security - and reduce the number of interactions I have with people who can hassle me at key points on my trips.  So, do I spend the $85 for Pre-Check, or do I spend the $100 on Global Entry?

As I now write this entry, I am watching "When the levees broke", a documentary on Hurricane Katrina and our government's inadequate response to the needs of the people in New Orleans and the rest of the region.  Why do I mention this?  We recently started evacuating American Citizens (and a few others) from Afghanistan, and we're showing a similar ineptitude.  Americans have short memories, and we do not learn from our collective past.  A hundred years ago, we suffered from the "Spanish Flu" pandemic, and we forgot those lessons.  And now we are making the same mistakes we made a century ago.  I've come to believe that we need the power of big government, but limit the size of the bureaucracy to allow leaders to implement quick and informed decisions.  But, if we get rid of the bureaucracy, we run the risk of incompetent, corrupt leaders steering America towards an authoritarian government.  

You'll note that I've rambled from short and simple things to ideas of a complex scope in this entry.  My brother complains that I can't help but talk of politics, and he is right.  As long as humanity has existed, our ability to communicate well has affected us at both micro and macro levels.  Communication skills and thought are involved in each of the items mentioned in this entry.  In the first case, I understood the hidden message meant to trap me into a discussion on someone else's terms.  In the case of the 401k, it illustrates my need to communicate with people who have information I need for planning my future.  In the case with my ex-girlfriend of 20 years, I realized that I couldn't communicate well enough to have a good relationship with this woman. With my cruise, the internet facilitates communication that I would have once depended on a travel agent to supply for my decision making.  And lastly, regarding government, we see that these issues affect all of us at both micro and macro levels.  There is a limit to how much information each of us can process, and not all of it makes us feel comfortable.  Last night's conversation may not have made me feel more comfortable about things which have happened.  But they made me more appreciative of what I have accomplished in my life.

 

 

 

Not yet ready

 

When I look at this face, all I can say is that I didn't look "ready for prime time".  I had someone cruising with me who was blind to the risks I'd face if I went on-shore at the wrong ports.  If I had had her with me when I cruised to some Eastern Caribbean ports a year or two later, I'd have been in big trouble.  The rules for LGBT travelers advise us to avoid these islands like the plague, because we (by our nature) are breaking their laws and their taboos.

So when I registered for a recent meetup, I wondered if a recent pattern would hold - would my ex-girlfriend continue to avoid me if I were to attend the same meetup?  If we attended the meetup, what would happen?  I had a lot to worry about, but all for naught.  It was a pleasant interaction - even though I was in Marian mode.  (It makes me wonder why she made all the big fuss about "owning" the meetup groups in the first place.  But that's another story.)

Why do I mention all of this?  Well, none of us are ever fully ready to take on needed challenges in life. If we are able to be fully prepared, then some things will no longer be a challenge to us.  I didn't think I'd be ready to see my ex, and it went off smoothly.  (Given the arguments we had after the breakup, a lot of things could have happened.)  But most of all, my feminine presentation is still far from perfect.  If I had waited until I was fully ready to go out as Marian, I'd still be in the closet.

Life is all about taking chances.  To live well, one must break out of one's cocoon and become a butterfly.  It's time to do so....

 

I finally went to a Hudson Valley Meetup and found the group owner is stepping down.

 

This is a happy and sad post at the same time.  The other night, I went to a meetup with a friend.  Tonight, I found out that the hostess of this group is leaving in October.  One less group in the Hudson Valley that I want to go to.  I'll have to give my ex-girlfriend credit - she chose to keep me out of the one group that survived Covid using methods that I consider unethical.  But then, she's very afraid of dealing with her feelings if she were to see me in person again.

But I don't want to dwell on the past - only reference it.

Now that the worst of the pandemic seems to be over, people are starting to attend meetup groups in person again.  This is a good thing.  There is a new group that I might choose to attend soon.  It'll be much better for me to go there than to schlep into Connecticut.  And yet, I'm not planning on filling my calendar with meetups.  I don't want to get addicted to going out.  Instead, I want to start nourishing my soul again, visiting museums (for one thing) without worrying about whether I'd be missing out on human connections. 

Lately, I've been seeing a lady (as Mario) that knows of my existence as Marian, and hasn't yet run away from me.  No, I don't think we'll be a couple for the long term.  But I'm working on developing a relationship (as friends) that will survive the end of dating.  The other day, I read an article  (Most romantic relationships start as friendships, study finds) on CNN's website.  I want to date the kind of person who I'd want to have as a friend first, and not the kind of person I'd get bored with quickly, and this article helped me understand why I do so.  There are other women I'm chatting with that I have yet to meet.  And I'm holding out some hope that one of them may like the overall package I'm offering when the time comes to see them....

https://www.cnn.com/2021/07/20/health/romantic-relationships-start-as-friends-wellness/index.html

Dating is such a pain in the ass

 

My ex broke up with me shortly before the pandemic struck, and it was all downhill for a while.  When I received a hurtful email on my birthday, I knew that I could either continue to make things worse for myself and others, or to figure out a way to start healing.  In many ways, the less I say about the ex, the better.  So I will focus on the healing process.

- - - - - - 

A long time ago, I dated TCL.  And we decided to be "just friends" shortly afterwards.  Why did I not pursue a relationship with her?  She's the type of person who will meander from topic to topic, getting lost in the process.  In a way, it's like a programmer tracing code through a series of "nested IF statements" and getting lost in the depths of the statements.  TCL has to be interrupted in order for you to get a word in, and I don't think she realizes she does this.  If I don't get the chance to speak once in a while, I get bored.  Who wants to be bored by a person one might want to live with someday?  She was typical of many of the women I dated before meeting my ex girlfriend - all had one obvious trait that would get under my skin.

- - - - - -

My personal ad was out before the pandemic struck, but I met FH shortly after people were told they could meet outdoors while wearing masks.  No one really know how the virus spread in those days, and I can still remember driving FH home from the heart of Forest Hills.  She wasn't perfect, but she was better than having no one to keep busy with on weekends. However, this doesn't say much about FH.  She's an educated woman who was always commenting on her crazy family.  As the old saying goes, "it takes one to know one."  I'll always wonder if she asked herself whether she was as crazy as her siblings.  From what I can tell from her brother, he is a product of his environment and of his news bubble.  FH lives within NYC limits, and her brother in the suburbs. She's a Democrat, and he's a Republican.  Both siblings often see each other through a political lens.  Needless to say, I've heard her make incendiary statements about all Republicans.  Although they may be true of many in the GOP, it would be unfair to paint them all using the same brush.  Sadly, she's a person who doesn't know how to let things drop - and one has to do this in order to have a successful relationship.

During this time, I met FL, and we had a few dates before she backed away.  Of course, she was spooked by me as Marian, and broke up with me before we things got too serious.  FL and I are still friends, and we get along well.  Unfortunately, she now lives too far away for me to visit on a regular basis. 

But there were other women. GS lives in the Hudson Valley, and we had a handful of dates before the weather got cold.  There was no real chemistry between us, but my female presentation wasn't an issue for her.  Instead, I think that her financial situation was precarious due to the pandemic, and she had bigger problems to worry about than dating.

I won't go through the whole list here, but I've gotten to hate having to learn a bit about a person, only to forget it later on.  I want to spend my time building memories with someone who cares for me.  Maybe that's why I said I wasted 5 years dating one woman - I have only so much time left to build memories, and I hate wasting time before I find that person I can build memories with.

- - - - - -

Lucky, the pandemic seems to be easing off, and things are slowly returning to "normal".  Hopefully, some nice women will "swipe right" on my profile, and that one of them is a good match for me, and me for her....

Sometimes, the best thing to do or say is nothing.

 

A philosophy which usually works for me is

When in doubt, do or say nothing.

All too often when I find that I "need" to act, I haven't thought enough things out.  This is what caused me to give the ex the "evidence" she needed to blackball me from a particular meetup group.  If I had done or said nothing, she wouldn't have been able to screw me.

Why do I mention this?

Recently, I caught myself thinking of a conversation I had with my ex that referenced the nagging issue of the meetup groups.  Instead of giving her any ammunition, I said nothing.  I can always say something later on when something really needs to be said.

Do I know if the ex is reading this blog?  I must assume: Yes.  So I offer some advice.  The closer you are (or have been) to someone who writes a diary, the more you should resist the temptation to read it.  If you do, you might find out things about yourself that you don't like or can't accept.

Sadly, I did say too much in a now deleted entry. And for this I am sorry.

- - - - - -

A year and a half ago, I lost FCP as a friend, in part because she decided to read this blog and find out what I really thought about her.  Since I was tired of her drama, this was not a great loss.  But losing the girlfriend afterwards was like a sucker punch to the gut.  At least, in the battle we fought last year, I got my punches in.  If I felt like s--t, she did too.  Unlike her, I will say that this pain could have been avoided.

It's just too bad that we haven't yet found a way to be real friends who meet now and then. And now, I doubt we ever will because of being too open with who I am.

 

PS: The original version of this entry was much longer.  I took my advice in its editing.

A quick post about a long chat

I just finished chatting with the ex.  A lot was said about two people who were too stupid to communicate well and tossed away a good relationship.  Can I say a lot about it?  No.  But I do know that a conversation I had with someone else has triggered me to return a gift - and that will cause a fit. 

More to come....

 

 

PS: I later decided not to send the gift back to the former friend.  I'll send a letter to the former friend, and regift the gift to the friend I hike with. At least, she can use that gift (or she can regift it herself).

It's hard to keep in touch with people when you're tired all the time

 

It's hard for me to keep in touch with people when I'm tired all the time.  No, others do it with a schedule like mine.  I'm just a bad time manager these days.  I can't imagine how I did it when I worked in the city and had two or three less hours in my life each day to work with.  But I did.

Part of me is trying to juggle too many things at one time.  I want to see as many of my friends as possible, and schedules often don't work the way they need to work to make this a reality.  For example, one friend, MW and I were supposed to get together this weekend.  She forgot that it was going to be Easter, and that she'd be having her dad, her boyfriend and his daughter over that day.  Additionally, she had to help out her ex, who had to go to the hospital for emergency surgery.  Another example is KOL.  LK and I make time for her, but she has a nasty habit of letting things in her life get in the way.  (I won't go into KOL's family issues here, but they are likely to be complex at the present from what we know.) And then, there are all the other people circling around my life who never can seem to stop for a while.

Of course, not getting enough sleep doesn't help.  I used to take the ex girlfriend's issues with sleep a little bit lightly.  She'd go to sleep with her cellphone in hand, and then wake up a couple of hours later, unable to go to sleep for another 4 hours or so. She was always overtired, and now I've fallen into a similar pattern.  AARGH!

At least, I found the time to polish my nails last night.... 

Until I find my new normal, I look both ways....

 

I often find myself thinking of mistakes I made in the past and what I could have done differently.  No, I can not change the past, nor do I regret many of the decisions I have made.  Instead, I want to learn as much as possible from my past, and make sure that I don't make similar mistakes in the future.

- - - - - - 

When crossing a road, we are taught to look both ways before crossing.  Now, I look both at the past and my future to figure out what I want to do next in life.  For example, I looked at my most recent past relationship, and realized that I needed to place a higher emphasis on communication in a relationship, instead of just getting along too smoothly.  I also look at the future, and wonder if someone like FH would be what I need.  She is not shy about making her needs known to me, and can drive me up the wall sometimes while doing so - and I'm glad she can do this, given the failure of my recent past.

I also wonder whether I should stay in the workforce as a full time worker, and whether I would work as Mario or Marian.  If I were to get a receptionist or office worker type position, I want to work as Marian.  There is something I like about appearing as a professional woman that fits my image of myself as Marian.  Yet, I like the image of a technical worker that I was as Mario. Which path should I choose if both were to be open to me at the same time?

It's not easy making these decisions, as I will have to live with them for a long while.  But I am glad that I'm in a position to make these decisions, instead of being held back by fear.