One of the issues I've had along my life's journey is what happens after I reveal my authentic self to a person. Does the person run away? Does the person show disgust? Does the person take things as a simple matter of fact? Or, does that person keep his/her real feelings quiet until the bubble of civility is burst by a dispute?
I told two women I once dated with very different results. One relationship lasted several years before I found out that she was hiding her real feelings about me. The other lasted only a couple of dates, as she couldn't deal with the TG part of my nature. For the most part, it's an albatross around my neck that I have to deal with.
Sometimes, when angry, people's real feelings come out, as in the case of FH. And though a friend told me that I should contact FH to give her some closure, I haven't done so yet. She may be thinking that our argument was just a simple argument that people normally have. But I feel that her total lack of respect for me soured any feelings I might have had for her. As a result, she can read into my lack of communication what she will.
With one former friend, I'll never be able to make an appropriate apology to her, nor will I ever be able to demonstrate my bona fides to her. Such is life. I have lost too many people in my life because I have given them cause to go away. Sometimes, I'm glad to get rid of someone. WDJ is a perfect example of this. She never demonstrated real friendship. And her last communication with me was confusing at best.
My true friends and loves accept me for who I am, regardless of how I present myself that day. I guess that in the end, my ex girlfriend never really loved me, as I was a transitional relationship between a separation and a divorce. Unlike FH, I never even had the courtesy of having a healthy argument during the relationship, where important problems could be aired out. If I could have given her some advice, I'd have told her read this article: 5 pieces of incredibly honest dating advice. Specifically, I'd refer her to the section labeled: "Would you be friends with this individual if you weren’t physically attracted to them?" If someone doesn't meet the requirements for being a friend, why date that person? And if you can't be a friend to a person, how can you love that person with a love that will last?
So this gets me to talking directly about myself. In the past, I chose people as friends out of an emotional deficit. When one grows up without friends, one will accept "substandard" friendships and relationships as a way of making do. As I've gotten older, I've inadvertently pushed many relationships in this category away. Could this have been subconscious? Who knows? But I never wanted to push one ex girlfriend away, even though neither of us could imagine a future together. At least, I can now focus on finding a relationship with someone who cares about the whole of me, and not just a preconceived image of what a partner is supposed to be.
Do I recoil from some of the things I did in the past? Yes. I never meant to hurt anyone. But do I regret anything? Only those things that hurt people without cause. That one former friend in a prior paragraph is one of those I regret hurting. But that's water under the bridge.
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