Seeing FH for a seafood dinner

 

It's been a while since FH and I got together, Part of me was ambivalent about seeing her, as we do not have too much in common.  But then, I think my ambivalence was related to once dating FH.  Today's post has almost nothing to do with me being transgender, save that I showed FH pictures of me in Marian mode while in Hawaii.

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When I have nothing to do, I relax as much as possible, and relax I did. By the time I was ready to drive to FH's place, it was 4 pm, and I still had to gas up the car, then get cash for the week before proceeding to FH's place.  As much as I tried to avoid some traffic jams, I still took longer than expected to get to Forest Hills.  Once FH got in the car, it was like old times.  No, I don't mean that things went smoothly.  Instead, I mean that it was obvious why I could never have a serious romantic relationship with her, and why she could only be the type of friend I could meet for an occasional dinner once in a blue moon.

We arrived at the restaurant a little bit early, and sat down for dinner as soon as we arrived.  Yes, it was a little bit of sticker shock for FH, but I wanted her to make sure that whenever we get together that it is "dutch treat". She wanted an adult drink, while I could have settled for something a child would drink. Yet, she didn't know what she wanted to drink, and had the waiter suggest a drink.  Too bad that she didn't like it - she had to flag down our waiter to get a different drink.  As for me, I have several go-to adult drinks that I will order, and I decided to have one with dinner.

After waiting a while (and eating the bread, carrots, and celery that was in front of us), dinner came - and we both were filled to the gills. And then it was time for us to go home.  By the time I dropped FH off, I realized how much I missed RQS and wished that she were here with me. 

This was going to be a busy weekend

 

The old fashioned calendar. If my generation had one or two things scheduled for the day, we'd write them inside one of the boxes that corresponded to the date of the event(s).  If we had a lot of things scheduled for the day, we'd have a daily schedule book with hourly lines in which we'd enter our appointments.  Right now, I have things scheduled for every day that RQS will be away, and I wish I had made more time for myself.

- - - - - -

Thursday was reserved for seeing one of my TG friends for dinner.  She's more of an acquaintance, but someone I enjoy seeing now and then.  If it's possible, RQS and I may attend this woman's party next week. The way things look, this could be the only opportunity I have to present myself as Marian this week, as I'll have to be out as Mario on Friday and Saturday.

Friday was reserved for seeing FH for dinner.  It has been months since I've seen her, and it will be interesting catching up on things.  Part of me is hesitant to do so, even though RQS is aware of this.  No, nothing will come of it, but I think my ambivalence is that FH is not a person with whom I want to have too close a friendship.

Saturday was reserved for seeing TCL.  It's been a long while since we've been together, and I'm not in the mood to skip seeing her again.  With this being said, friends from Yonkers game nights will be going to a comedy club at the same time - and I will miss being with them.

Sunday is a day that I'll have mostly to myself.  Assuming I wake up early enough, I'll be attending church as Marian.  Afterwards, I may go into NYC to see an off-Broadway play.called: "Welcome to Clown Town."  The following citation from the play's website made me interested in going to see this performance:

A solo performance that dives into the bizarre and cantankerous mind of Pixie the Clown. Part birthday party, part therapy session, this live show shares the real-life tales of being a party entertainer in America.

Picture this: the audience rolls into a seemly delightful birthday party filled with bright colors and balloons. The sounds of children laughing with glee are heard as Pixie rolls onto center stage. With her sweet smile beaming, she pops a balloon with a hint of murderous rage: "Awwww, may it rest in pieces". This begins the rock 'n' roll ride through outlandish personal stories of working as a party clown in NYC and Hollywood.

Join Pixie/me in our NSFW immersive experience, as I spit stories (like the time I was run down by gang members) while playing fun party games that consenting audience members can participate in!

This mad-capped adventure blends oral storytelling about a Latina just trying to make ends meet with Pixie the Clown's irascible inner monologues about how to change the world.

The phrase "AWWWW, may it rest in pieces." was what caught my interest. And with my unusual sense of humor, I planned to go to the last performance of this show.  Since I'll have gone to church as Marian, I'll be taking the train into Manhattan as Marian as well.  It'll be nice to start the week off right!

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By the time you read this, everything on the schedule will have already passed.  I'll write more about the weekend as things progress....

Sometimes, I wonder what some people are up to.

 

Sometimes, I wonder what some people from my past are up to these days.  With some people, like FCP, I will likely never know, and it doesn't bother me much.  With others, like FH and MWL, I don't mind knowing, but I don't try to find out much.  And with others, I try to keep in some contact, and learn about their lives through the filters of friendship.

Occasionally, I think of FCP, and quickly put her out of my mind.  She left enough breadcrumbs around for me to know what she and her family was doing without me doing any research.  The last time we were in contact, she was upset at me, because I sent a "Congratulations!" card to her son and daughter in law to celebrate the birth of their son. And then, she wanted to rub in the pain of the loss of a friendship by showing me more pictures of this son as if I'm estranged family.  Without knowing even the name of this son, how could I miss someone who wasn't even a part of my family?  But I think she has deeper scars than I do, and that dwelling on this part of my past doesn't help at all.

A few weeks ago, I was finally able to get in contact with Pat (my former hypnotist).  I would have thought that she (or her daughter) would have contacted me to let me know that she was moving to a care facility.  Once I found this out, I made it a point to visit her there, and to get her out of the facility for a bite to eat now and then.  This past visit, she invited her new boyfriend out to eat with RQS and I, and "expected" that we would take them out to a restaurant of their choice instead of mine.  Although I would later find out that their place wasn't that expensive, it still would have cost me 3 times what it cost to go to the pizzeria we went to.  RQS and I agreed that Pat doesn't realize that the little impositions she makes without thought are the same things which can alienate her from friends and family.

MWL and I have maintained very loose contact since I started dating RQS.  She will occasionally initiate contact to catch up on things and to let me know about the developments in her life (such as turning her storage room into a finished living room).  Given that we went nowhere in our relationship, and that we had little chemistry between us, I will not try hard to maintain contact.

Every so often, FH pops up to say hi.  She's seeing someone now, but I'm not sure of how well it's going, considering that she is in contact with me.  The last time we communicated, she sent me a picture of a status symbol handbag that a "special person" gave her.  When I mentioned this to RQS, we chuckled.  We both knew that if I made the mistake of bonding with this woman, that the relationship would have been a slow motion train wreck.

Yes, I still communicate with XGFJ now and then.  And her life has continued with the same routine that it followed when I was in it.  This relationship would have been another train wreck had it not ended, as she is incapable of communicating her needs, nor is she able to make the compromises needed to make a relationship work.  (I refer to incidents we had where it was a non negotiable requirement that we be with her family on the holidays.  I wonder if this is still true with the fellow that she mentioned seeing a while back.)  I wish her the best.  Yet, there will always be a part of me that wishes that I didn't waste 5 years of my life dating her.

On better and worse notes, I still am in contact with Vicki #2 ("Short Vicki").  It's good that we are in contact with each other.  But she has only had sad news to report lately, as one of her family is very ill and needs constant care.  If I were to say "hopefully, it'll be over soon", that could be taken as wishing some relief for her, or hoping something sad will happen.  So I say very little, and let her do most of the talking.  Hopefully, we will be able to get together for dinner soon, and catch up on things.

I haven't had much to say about BXM these days.  She's doing well, and has settled down into domestic life with her boyfriend.  It'll be nice to see her again, but she's not the type I easily warm up to.  It takes me a while to get into sync with her when we chat, and it's because we come from different worlds.

It'd be easy to go on and on about people who pop in and out of one's life.  Once one has a steady relationship, it subtracts one or two people from the wider circle of friends I might be visiting if I didn't have a girlfriend.  Although it's a normal and good thing, I still wish there were enough hours in the day to see these people, and money in the wallet to afford to have dinners with them.

It's amazing how 3 years of time changed things.

 

It's hard to believe that it's been 3 years since XGFJ broke up with me. Unlike FCP, XGFJ is not angry with me, and this is a good thing.  Although FCP was at the wedding of XGFJ's son, this friendship was not meant to last long.  They only thing they had in common was me, and that was not a good enough connection for 2 people to maintain a friendship.  (I won't go into details about what each of these 2 people said about each other, but what they did say gave me the information I needed to find a sense of closure to the ending of both relationships.)

Sometimes, I find myself thinking about my past and the mistakes I made with XGFJ.  Yet, they were unavoidable - people have to effectively communicate their wants and needs in a relationship to get them.  Goodwill breaks down when effective communication doesn't occur.  Right now, XGFJ and I have goodwill, though our relationship has ended.  I can't say the same for FCP, as she can never forgive me for exposing too many of her inner feelings to the outside world.  Nor can I give her a hall pass for yelling at me, when calmer communication would have given her what she wanted much quicker and with fewer headaches.  

But I digress....

Since the end of these relationships, I have been able to establish a friendly communications channel with XGFJ.  Recently, she sent me a message that she was finally enjoying her long planned (and postponed) vacation in Greece. Although Greece is not a place I have on my bucket list, I might have gone with her if we were still in a relationship and we were able to include each other in activities with our friends.  Hopefully, the rest of her trip will go well, as I expect that we will be out of touch until I get back from Hawaii.

Rebuilding a social network takes time, especially after a pandemic.  I'm at the stage where I have to pick and choose who I want to see and how I spend my money to be with them.  Obviously, RQS is my highest priority.  I still see FH when our schedules permit.  But that's not often anymore. I'm still in loose contact with MWL, but we don't have much to say to each other either.  Although I still go to meetups, they are not as important to me as they used to be.

In many ways (but not all), RQS has it better than I do.  She is confident in herself, and actively pursues things that nurture her.  She keeps busy with her hobbies, and still finds time to be with me - as if I'm one of the (formerly) missing pieces in her life's puzzle.  It's a good thing for both of us that we have a relationship, and I hope it keeps growing as time goes on.  

Yet, I still wonder....  Will I ever need to rebuild my connections again?  And if so, will it be possible, given my age at the time?

Things seem to be conspiring against me.

No, don't think that I feel that I'm being paranoid.  It's simply the random rolls of the dice that are getting to me today.

- - - - - -

Lately, I've been reserving Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays to be with RQS.  Unfortunately, she was sick last weekend, and will likely be sick this coming weekend.  (She's playing it safe, keeping away from people for a minimum of five days, as per CDC recommendations.)  So, that leaves me with a Friday I can spend with others.  One problem - I'm already booked to see one person for lunch, and two other people want my time as well.

A week ago, FH suggested that we get together on a Friday for a leaf peeping trip in the Hudson Valley.  This is the type of trip I want to do with RQS before all the leaves are off the trees.  Another woman (from a meetup group) wants to change our dinner night from a Monday to a Friday, as her work schedule has changed.  If I were unattached, I'd have no problems seeing either of these women.  But I am attached, and do not want to risk what I have with RQS for a "distant" friendship.

I don't mind putting off Friday's lunch date for a week to see one of these two women, but I don't like making anyone unhappy.  So, I might have to let FH go, since she's the higher maintenance one of the two women.  (The other two know me, and see me as Marian.  FH only sees Mario.  This becomes a simple choice for me, but one that will sadden me a little.)

By the time I got to try it on, it was sold out.

 

I was trying to find this dress at Lane Bryant, so that I could try it on and make a decision whether to buy it or not. Although the blue dress is in stock, the dress above is not.  This means that I may end up buying a different dress from Avenue in a similar color, or buy this dress in a different color.

It's just as well that they didn't have this dress in stock.  If it had been, I might have bought it on an impulse.  Over a quarter century since my late wife died, I understand the allure of shopping for new clothes.  It's fun to decorate yourself in new ways - something most men do not understand.  Although I can say no to most impulse purchases, there are a few items that shout "Buy Me!" that are very hard to resist.  And I've been lucky NOT to fall prey to too many of these purchase opportunities.

Given that my closets are overflowing with clothes, I think I got lucky in NOT being able to buy this dress....

- - - - - -

On other matters, the son of someone I know just earned his medical degree.  Congratulations!   Too bad that I will forever be on the outs with his mom.  Yet, when I was coming home from the store tonight, I asked myself - what did I like about this woman?  And the one answer that came up was that I thought that she accepted me as I am.  Yes, I ruined our friendship.  But in her angry attacks over the past 2 1/2 years, I found out what she really thought of me.  We didn't have that much in common.  But I liked her anyway.

- - - - - - 

Going to Lane Bryant, I had an hour long chat with TCL.  Towards the end, I told her of a conversation I had with FH, documented in a prior entry.  TCL agrees with me about FH - and I didn't even tell TCL who I was talking about.  Sadly for FH, she will never understand why I didn't jump at the opportunity to be her "Plus 1" for a wedding she's attending next weekend.  I can't imagine having to get dressed up to go to a party where I know no one but my partner and put my relationship with RQS at risk.

Thinking of RQS, I mentioned our minor problems in Washington, DC.  TCL realized that we passed an early test of whether a relationship is good or not.  We were able to deal with a situation of moderate stress and work together well to resolve a problem.  I still keep my fingers crossed each time we may encounter another situation that could cause us some grief.  Hopefully, we'll keep passing these tests as time goes on....

A visit to the Brooklyn Botanic Garden

 

Although FH and I will never be romantic partners, we still get together now and then to be activity partners.  There is enough about her that I like to enjoy an occasional day trip somewhere, but not enough that I'd want to have her as a partner for either 30 minutes or the other 23 hours and 30 minutes of the day. Today was one of those days that we ended up going to the Brooklyn Botanic Garden (BBG).

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If I were going to BBG on my own, I'd have taken the train into NYC, then caught either of the #4 or #5 trains to BBG.  Instead, I had to pick FH up, as she never takes the subway these days.  (She was surprised that I now ride the subways, 2 years since everything shut down for the pandemic.)  Driving between Forest Hills and the heart of Brooklyn takes forever, as none of the roads go from here to there without major traffic jams.  For a 9 mile trip as the crow flies, Google Maps said it would take 45 minutes - an average of 12 mph!  No wonder why I hate driving within NYC limits....

We got to BBG around 2 pm, and proceeded to walk around the garden.  FH, as usual, wanted a photographic record of her presence at the place, asking me to take pictures of her at several places along the paths.  I don't mind doing this, but it gets tiresome after a while.  

The thing that I dislike about FH the most is her self centered/ethno-centeric attitude about life in general.  For example, I am disgusted that the Nazis killed 11 people during the Holocaust. To me, murder is murder, no matter what the justifications are for doing so. She focuses on the 6 million Jews, and effectively says that they are more important than the other 5 million because she's Jewish.  FH also focuses on my ethnic background, and not how I identify myself.  This would bother me to no end if I were in a relationship with her.  Yet, I can tolerate it in small doses as a friend.  

Sadly, FH is not able to see things from others' point of view.  When we took a break to sit down and have a soda, our conversation meandered to the Coney Island Sideshow.  Her thoughts on the issue are that people with birth defects should never put themselves on public display to get by in life, such as the performers in sideshows.  She would put them on the dole and keep them out of sight.  I have nothing against those who would accept public assistance, but I respect the likes of those who would earn a living by showing off how they adapted to a world built for people unlike them.  She couldn't understand why people would put themselves in the public eye. as if they were embarrassing themselves.  As I noted that people such as Johnny Eck didn't feel this way, the lady at the next table mentioned a string of people who made their living this way, as if she was disgusted with FH's attitude.  I guess that more people have my attitude towards these people than FH's attitude.

Around 4 pm, we left BBG and took the long way to Howard Beach to have dinner.  Given that I remembered that there used to be quite a few restaurants along this stretch of road, we headed South. Somewhere on the left, I saw a restaurant on the left that looked like there might be a line at 5 pm.  FH nixed it because she didn't want to risk waiting on line. (I remember Lenny's advertisements from 40 years ago.  So the place had to be decent to survive this long.  And, at 5 pm, any line would be short.  But I digress.)  We found an Italian joint somewhere just before Cross Bay Boulevard reached the toll bridge, and pulled in for dinner.  To me, the food tasted good, save for the tomato sauce which may have simmered too long.  FH, however, thought it was less than good.  So it will be another of those places we never go to again.

On the way home, FH asked me to be her +1 for a wedding she was attending next month.  I wasn't going to answer yes right away, as I wanted to make sure that I didn't have any conflicts with RQS.  (I'll always put my relationship with RQS first, over that of my female friends.)  Hopefully, I'll be able to go - even if it means I spend another day as Mario....

 

 

PS: After thinking about it, I was glad to turn down FH's "plus 1" request.  I would know only her, and I would be uncomfortable at a wedding where I wouldn't know what is going on next.  She was upset at me for not responding to her as soon as she told me the date was Memorial Day weekend.  But then, she is a bossy type who has trouble when she can't manipulate people as she wants....

I'm a little concerned about supply chain issues getting worse.

 

Several months ago, I mentioned that it took forever for me to get this replacement head unit for my air conditioner. Supply chain issues prevented it from being manufactured and delivered in a timely manner. Today, I watched a video that makes me think that this incident may just be the tip of an iceberg...

One of the things I've noticed when I went to the beach with FH last years was the presence of cargo ships sitting outside New York harbor.  They had yet to cross under the Verrazzano Narrows Bridge and enter the Ports of NY/NJ for unloading. Today's video came from someone who seemed to be a survivalist by nature, but had a valuable insight to what's happening on the West Coast.  His most salient point in the video had nothing directly to do with the problems with world shipping.  Instead, it had to do with the Russia-Ukraine war.  Even though Russia is not well integrated into the Western economies, we lose a lot by cutting off trade with Russia, and he focused on their fish and fertilizer exports.  He also noted that Ukraine being a bread basket for the world.  Couple these factors with supply chain issues at major ports, and we likely will soon see major food shortages - even in the USA.

I feel that we will have to learn how to live with sudden short term periods of scarcity as supply chain issues work themselves out.  Smart people will need to learn how to maintain inventories of things they need, so that they have reserves for when selective items are temporarily scarce and hard to find. Strangely enough, this will pump up our economy while making things worse.  America has always been a land of plenty, and this period of temporary shortages will be a hard thing for Americans to get used to. It will likely cause major social disruption, as our culture defines America as THE land of plenty (for a price) when we're not in the middle of a world war.

You may ask, what does this have to do about being transgender?  The answer is simple.  When times get bad, people become more conservative and prone to populist insurrections.  January 6, 2001 was just the start of a problem for us transgender people, as people in "Red States" now feel free to enact laws regarding what we can and can't do with our bodies (think of abortion laws and transgender participation in sporting events).  As things get worse for the general population, politicians will make minorities like us sacrificial lambs to deflect attention from the fact that they aren't getting anything done to solve the problems average people face.

I can still remember the name calling that FCP did after the unfortunate dissolution of our friendship. In many ways, it showed the true nature of what she felt inside about me.  (Just drop the words of anger, and focus on internal definitions...)  We will see a lot of that in our friends as things get hard for them.  They will be saying that there are more important things to worry about than gender identity, expression, and preference.  And from their perspective, they may be right.  But from our perspectives, it reaches deep into our identities of self - and this could be a live or die issue for many.  I am lucky NOT to have severe gender dysphoria.  But what about those who do?  Can they live, much less, prosper in stealth mode?  I don't know.

As the fictional Margo Channing once said: "Fasten your seatbelts; it's going to be a bumpy night." I'd change that to say it's going to be a bumpy year or two at best....

Nails

 

It's been a long while since I've gotten a mani-pedi.  And if things go the way I want this weekend, I will finally be able to do so.  All too often, I've had to deal with the headache of switching back to Mario Mode, and this prevented me from getting my nails done.

- - - - - -

The other day, I was talking with my new travel partner, and we got to talking about people we will meet on our next trip. My new partner wants to catch up with a cousin, while I want to catch up with a friend from Fantasia Fair.  When I contacted this friend, she said that she will appear in "Mermaid Mode".  I have no objections to that, as it will give my partner an idea of what has to be dealt with when being with me.  It's going to be interesting, to say the least.

Last week, FH suggested that we get together this weekend.  I never confirmed anything with her, and the way I feel, I'll be too tired to do much of anything.  After I came home from Game night, it took me an hour to fall asleep, and then I woke up twice - resulting in an interrupted sleep.  I woke up 30 minutes late, then rushed to do all my morning routines so that I could make it to work "on time".  Luckily, I was only a few minutes late, and I was able to stay awake enough to do my job.

Right now, I have weekend plans that haven't been confirmed.  Will I see FH?  I'm not sure.  Will I see CWS?  I hope so.  I'd like to see her now and then until I know what's going to happen with RQS.  Given my transgender nature, it pays to have a (non roached) backup....

I may have dodged a bullet, but what type?

 

Today's post will be a short one.  And it involves transportation, travel, and a possible travel companion.

- - - - - -

At one time, FH wanted to have us spend a weekend away in Amish Country.  I'm glad we didn't do this, as we never got past first base with each other.  Any trip we would have taken would effectively have me being her chauffeur. And that's not something I want to be after seeing her for her real self.  If things had progressed far enough with FL, I'd have been glad to travel with her, as we get along well with each other, and enjoy each other's company.  Too bad she couldn't deal with Marian being part of my whole.

Recently, I met RQS, and she's already interested in taking a trip to Washington with me.  At least, I wouldn't be serving as her chauffeur - we'd be taking the train and splitting the cost.  She wants to do special things with me.  But is it too soon?  It's similar to the experience I had with FL, but yet, it's different.  So when I found ways of putting off a trip to DC, I felt good for now as if I dodged a bullet.  Yet, she will eventually want to do more things together, while I'm still trying to figure things out.  

My big question is: Am I trying to avoid the wrong kind of projectile?

The Snow Cometh - and Goeth

 

The above image was taken after a snowfall that took place several years ago.  The snowfall we're expecting tomorrow (as I write this) could be minimal or be a blizzard.  Either way, I'm placing my bets on us getting between 4" and 9" of the white stuff by nightfall tomorrow. If I were to fully transition, you'd see me out shoveling snow in an outfit similar to what I'll be wearing as a male: warm, layered clothing with a hat and gloves.  And this brings up an important point.  Transition is not a cure all.  It only helps to deal with the many issues we suffer in regard to our gender.

I am not looking forward to cleaning the snow from around my car (and off my car) when the snow stops. My car is usually parked in a spot where I am required to move it when the plows come.  This usually means that I must get out of my comfy jammies and then work up a sweat shoveling snow. This is a task that I relish less and less each coming year. And as I get older, this task will take an ever increasing toll on me.

However, the snow relieved me of a social obligation that I allowed myself to get into.  I don't mind seeing FH now and then, but I'm not always in the mood to see her when she wants.  I remember her comparing herself with MWL, trying to look as she (FH) would be the better recipient of my time. Neither of these women would be good mates for me.  But they both would be good activity partners now and then.

Right now, I'm focusing on CWS and RQS.  Both women are good ladies, but they each have things that could turn out to be deal breakers. And if it weren't for the snow, I'd be able to see at least one of them over the weekend.  Instead, I'll have to try to keep in contact with them by phone.  I just wonder how each will react when I eventually tell them about my bi-gendered nature....

 - - - - - -

The next morning/afternoon....

When I finally woke up (I couldn't get to sleep until 4 am or so), I looked out my window and the snow didn't look so bad.  Although I have to get dressed to clear off the car, it looks like I will not need to do much work to get my spot cleared out.

The weekend comes awfully quickly....

 

As I write this, they are predicting either 1"-3" of snow to 9"12" of snow.  No, I shouldn't have written this forecast as 1"-12" of snow, as they do not know which way the storm will track.  If it tracks away from the coast, we'll get 1"-3" of the white stuff on the ground.  If it tracks toward the coastline, we'll get the 9"-12" that will cause a lot of problems on Eastern Long Island.

In some ways, this storm will be a blessing to me.  Although I will not be able to see CWS or RQS, I will not be able to see FH as well, freeing me up to get back to work on cleaning up my apartment.  It will also give me the opportunity to sleep later than usual, and finally make a decision on whether I should stay at my present job, or move on with my life.

- - - - - -

A while back, I mentioned my friend WDS.  Well, he's recovering from an ailment he had last year, and is slowly regaining facilities that he had before his ailment struck him.  Today, I wrote him, and he was up to me visiting him - but I would need to stay elsewhere.  Neither of the two extra rooms in the house he rents is furnished.  And that's OK with me, as I'd have my feminine wardrobe with me so I could see YGM.

WDS asked me about what has been going on in my life, and the impression I get from him is that leaving my job would be no great risk for me.  He may be right.  So I plan to write to an out of state headhunter over the weekend, and see if they have remote work available.  If so, I could go back into my old line of work, and never need to leave the house to get a job done.  Wish me luck....

Lots to do, but doing little - another short entry.

 

Although the above picture has nothing to do with this entry, I like how the curtain looked in the theater in which it hangs, and wanted a chance to post this picture of the curtain....

- - - - - -

It may be the cold weather outside, it may be the work I do during the week, and it may be a need to recharge by doing nothing.  But by the time Saturday comes around, I feel drained and need to rest. So I'm glad that I didn't rush to hang out with FH for the day.

By the time I got out of bed, it was about 11 am.  And I had a choice to make.  Did I want to go out as Marian?  Or, did I want to switch over to Mario mode for the rest of the weekend?  Since I stalled by watching YouTube.videos on the Disney corporation, its theme parks, and Jim Henson productions, it took me a while to get showered, get dressed, go to the supermarket, and finally do some laundry. 

One thing that I know helps a lot is COFFEE.  Normally, when I get up in the morning, I try to drink at least 2 cups of coffee before starting work.  Today, I didn't start having any energy until I had my first cup - around 4 pm.  If it weren't for that, I never would have accomplished anything today AND I'd be in a rush to get home on Sunday, to be ready for work on Monday....

As I noted on top, I didn't have much to say today.   See you tomorrow.

I just have no energy anymore

 

I have so many things to take care of these days, but I have no energy to do them.  I wonder if it is my not getting enough sleep, or something else.

- - - - - -

Throughout the day, I was doing whatever I could to stay awake.  I was finding that my body wasn't liking the routine of sitting at my workstation for hours at a time.  So, 4:30 didn't come quick enough for me (and the rest of the people at the office). But I was still tired after I got home, and ended up napping a little after cooking a couple of hamburgers for dinner.

While this was going on, I was supposed to call CWS to chat and figure out when the next time was that we could get together.  That didn't happen.  Additionally, FH was pestering about getting together.  She hadn't seen me in a while, and I think she was trying to get a ride for some shopping she wanted to do.  (After making noises a couple of weeks ago about the Omicron variant making NYC too dangerous to visit, she wanted to walk around a mall on Long Island.)  I mentioned Omicron, and suggested just dinner somewhere, or meeting next week.  And she countered with a grocery shopping expedition at Trader Joe's.  She was a little upset that I didn't jump at seeing her, but I needed a day to myself to recharge - and that was my plan for the first day of a weekend.

Dealing with women was not the only thing I had to do.  I still need to call NCL in regard to missing Latitude Point credits.  I still want to contact a woman from OK Cupid who is not a match for me, but who could be a great friend.  (We've chatted before, but cultural issues would make romance impossible.)  Then, I still have tickets to a Darlene Love concert to buy.  None of the many things I wanted to accomplish after work got done.  And I have to deal with Laundry tomorrow.  AARGH!

- - - - - -

Although I can easily switch between Mario and Marian modes these days, I often wish I could stay in Marian mode longer than I do.  But then, I'd never be able to date.  I'm willing to make this compromise in order to have a chance at romance. And, I'm just as willing to split my time in each mode, so that I can have romance.  

The big question is: How much energy do I have left in life?

I'm grateful to have friends who accept me for who and what I am.

 

This is a picture taken on Thanksgiving Day.  The daughter of our Host & Hostess caught a female praying mantis and is keeping it in a tank in their living room.  I accidentally knocked the paper cover off the tank. And in the precious few seconds it took me to cover it back up again, the mantis had escaped. By the time we noticed it was gone, it has encamped itself on the fireplace mantle, from where the daughter got control of it again.

- - - - - -

This year's Turkey Day was much more pleasant than last year.  Instead of trying to find a nice restaurant to eat at within a day or two of the holiday then scuttling those plans for Boston Market takeout because of FH's daughter's issues, it was nice to know I had a place to go to and a nice place to share a meal with friends.  (Did I ever mention that FH lives in an apartment that depresses me, due to its paint scheme, its clutter, and general style?) 

I am very comfortable around the host & hostess of game night, and they know and accept me for who and what I am.  And I am grateful that they invited me (and other game night friends) over to their house to celebrate Thanksgiving.  I'm even more grateful that they were able to accommodate Vicki as my plus one.  

Yes, much of the day was centered around food.  But there was also a lot of good conversation.  And for the first time, no games.  It just wouldn't have been right....

Someone is definitely interested in me, and....

Today, I took off from work to spend the day with FH.  Although I like her as a person, she would rub me the wrong way if she were anything more than a friend.  But first....

As usual, I didn't get much sleep the night before, and didn't become fully conscious until 10 am.  At that point, I knew that I would have to get ready to pick up FH in Yonkers, and then take a drive to see the changing leaves in the Hudson Valley.  I knew I was going to be a few minutes late, and texted FH.  However, she was much more delayed than I was, as she was 45 minutes late.  AARGH!  Luckily, we were able to start out on our day by 1:30 pm.

According to the New York State Fall Foliage guide, the Hudson Valley should not be at peak color, nor should most of the leaves have fallen.  The only place that FH noticed good color was along the Taconic Parkway going towards Red Hook.  From there, we doubled back to Rhinebeck, passing by the site of the Dutchess County Fairgrounds - where she was disappointed that the fair was over.  And then, it was over to Saugerties and Woodstock.  On this drive, the leaves had already fallen off most of the trees in the towns we passed through, when we expected them to be before their peak.

When we finally reached Woodstock, FH wanted to get pictures of herself.  Of course, I obliged her - we were in a scenic area, and she always tries to get her picture taken with pretty scenery as her background.   Once the obligatory pictures were taken, it was back to Woodstock where we spend 90 minutes walking around the town.

Once it started getting dark, we headed to New Paltz for dinner.  Along the way, she asked me about my dating life and why I'm seeing MWL.  How are the conversations on a par with what we have?  I had to finesse the question. She then asked about whether MWL knows about Marian.  I told her so, and mentioned that MWL has already met me in female mode.  In reality, FH was wondering why she wasn't my girlfriend and was fishing for a way to make that happen.  There was no way I was going to tell her about CWS at this point - CWS, so far, is on the same wavelength as I am in many ways.  After dinner, FH said that she'd take care of dinner as a way of thanking me for driving her home.

Dinner at Pho Tibet was uneventful. The food was tasty, the Pho was good, but I was unimpressed with their Momo Dumplings.  I'll be sure NOT to order them again.  Next time, I'll look for a better Vietnamese restaurant to go to.  (Too bad that I'm no longer in contact with one person - she'd know a good place to go to.)

 

PS: CWS was away this weekend.  Hopefully, our schedules will work out for us to get together again next weekend....

PPS: I spoke with Vicki about FH, and she felt that FH was merely looking for a "friend" who'd drive her places.  For the most part, I agree with her.  Yet, if I have nothing to do, it's nice to hang out with someone - even someone who is a user.

 

 

I can't believe I stayed awake all day.

 

Today's post will be short and brief - just like the sleep I had last night.

For some unknown reason, I kept waking up throughout the night.  So I made sure to have two cups of coffee before leaving the house AND made sure to keep enough coffee in my caffeine stream to prevent blood from making me sleepy.  Even though I was getting tired throughout the day, I wasn't as sleep as I could have been.  Maybe it was the knowledge I was going to have an impromptu dinner with Vicki in Tarrytown.

Getting from Elmsford to Tarrytown via the back road isn't as easy as it used to be.  DOT is replacing the Route 100B/9A overpass, and has routed bypass traffic onto the street I work on.  So if you don't know which way to exit our lot, you could spend 15 minutes getting into a place where you could go West from Route 9a  - and that's exactly what happened to me. I made it to Tarrytown shortly after Vicki was freed up from her appointment, and we had a nice dinner at Leftris, our go-to place for Greek food.  It was hard to believe that we were finished with dinner before 6:30pm.  From that point, my phone was ringing like the switchboard at Grand Central Station.

First, it was my brother.  Then, it was TCL.  After this, I made a call to MWL.  And finally, a call from FH to discuss our Friday plans.  I also received a text from my friend from the Yonkers gaming group noting that I forgot about Trivia night.  Maybe, if I can get some sleep, I'll be able to attend the next session....

It's hard to keep up with my friends and family, but....

 

Ever since I've been "post retirement" working, I'm finding it impossible to get together with many of the people I'd like to be with.  Last year, it was the pandemic.  This year, it's been work exhaustion.  What will it be next year?

What I find strange is that the older I get, the harder it is to meet with people.  Some of the people I know are dying off.  Some are moving away to retirement residences (in low tax states).  Then, some are taking care of others, and not able to get out to do things for themselves.  In short, everyone has a life, and we're all trying to make as productive use of our time as possible.

- - - - - -

Recently, I got together with FH after several weeks of looking for a time we could get together.  We had a nice day talking about life and catching up on things.  Of course, I wasn't going to screw up a day with MWL to spend a Saturday with her.  Vicki #2 is impossible to meet up with these days, as she has important family problems of her own that she's dealing with.  And I haven't seen my brother in what seems like ages.  We all have responsibilities that we have to manage, and I respect my family, friends, and acquaintances for doing just this.

The other day, I found out that a cruise I was thinking of taking was sold out. As a result, I realize that I now have an opportunity to see some people I haven't seen in years.  The first is a transwoman I know who has cancer.  I know her through a woman who once was a close friend.  If I see this transwoman, it will have to be soon, as I know what cancer can do to a person.  In better times, I'd offer a seat to this former friend on my trip. It's doubtful that the two of us could be civil long enough to visit my acquaintance - so I will not even suggest it. (Neither of us were pleased by our last communication, and I don't want a repeat of this incident.)  Since it doesn't make sense to gamble on being in this city just for the sake of visiting this acquaintance, I'll make sure that I'll visit the usual tourist spots and get together with someone I met on one of my cruises.  The second person I'd meet is a train buff who reads this blog.  It'd be nice to catch up with her in Baltimore when I finally get to visit the B&O Railroad museum.  If I was lucky on this part of the trip, I'd also get to meet a transwoman (and her wife) who I haven't seen since my only trip to Fantasia Fair.

- - - - - -

Several people I know have moved to Florida over the years.  I am not in a rush to go there.  But when I do, I will try to visit them.  Yet, assuming I do, I will need to make sure that my trans identity doesn't get in the way of doing things.  It'd be nice to see YGM again....

- - - - - -

Years ago, my wife and I went to the wedding of the daughter of my late uncle once removed.  (That is, my grandmother's brother's daughter, my cousin once removed.)  I don't remember much about that day, save that we didn't get to the church on time.  Since then, her dad, then her mom passed away.  My brother and I talked about going to visit her, but never did.  Hopefully, I will get the chance to see her soon.

 

 

 

Conversations

 

A while back, someone asked me not to mention our conversations.  For the most part, I have complied with this person's request.  Yet, the underlying issues we discussed go unresolved.  Today, I feel that we will sever the last link between us in the near future.  If that happens, I plan to discuss what I've kept under wraps only for courtesy reasons.

But enough of that for now.

One of the reasons I am concerned about conversations with women I've dated is to see if there is a natural give and take between the two parties.  I could never live with someone like TCL, as she runs on at the mouth sometimes, and rarely gives way to let the other person speak.  Women like FH are opinionated, and are not that open minded.  My former cruise partner appeared to be open minded until I screwed up our friendship, and then her true views started to come out.  As much as you can't judge a book by its cover, you can judge the quality of a person by the quality of conversation he/she is able to make.

There are many qualities of conversation.  For example, people feel most comfortable when chat flows easily, and that any "challenge" is within acceptable levels.  For example, guys bantering around talking sports may argue whether Babe Ruth or Willie Mays was the greatest baseball player.  (For the record, I say Babe Ruth is the greatest "all around" ball player, as he could pitch as well as he could hit.  If he stayed a pitcher, he likely would have achieved his place in Cooperstown on his pitching record alone.)  But when a person feels that he/she is out of his/her league, then things get awkward.

Friendly conversation does not come natural to me.  I do not have the social skills which attract many people.  Is it body language, conversation topics, or intensity of conversation?  That I'll likely never know. The one time I mentioned this issue to my former therapist, he dismissed it, focusing on my issues with food.  (He was an alcoholic in recovery, and saw everything life through that one lens.  I knew that there was much more to life than focusing on my food addiction, and was secretly glad when this man retired.) If I could live my life over, I'd have gone into therapy at an early adult age, focused on getting more education, looked for ways to develop my social skills, and looked for mentors to help me in my career growth.

My ex girlfriend's dinner group (the one she fought so hard to keep me out of) consists of a lot of single people.  So far, I've seen 3 of the regulars show up in my dating feeds.  Obviously, we wouldn't be good matches.  It would have been interesting had I been able to go there (in either of my modes) when my ex wasn't in attendance. That's water under the bridge, and I hope she's happy with the results of her campaign.  As for me, I'm living in the present and focusing on having nice chats with people from other groups.  At least in these groups, I've been made to feel welcome.

Will I ever be able to have a conversational style that makes me able to have a good chat with almost anyone?  I doubt it.  But it's a nice goal to have....

Sometimes, I look back and shudder....

 

One of the issues I've had along my life's journey is what happens after I reveal my authentic self to a person.  Does the person run away?  Does the person show disgust?  Does the person take things as a simple matter of fact?  Or, does that person keep his/her real feelings quiet until the bubble of civility is burst by a dispute?

I told two women I once dated with very different results.  One relationship lasted several years before I found out that she was hiding her real feelings about me.  The other lasted only a couple of dates, as she couldn't deal with the TG part of my nature.  For the most part, it's an albatross around my neck that I have to deal with.

Sometimes, when angry, people's real feelings come out, as in the case of FH.  And though a friend told me that I should contact FH to give her some closure, I haven't done so yet.  She may be thinking that our argument was just a simple argument that people normally have.  But I feel that her total lack of respect for me soured any feelings I might have had for her.  As a result, she can read into my lack of communication what she will. 

With one former friend, I'll never be able to make an appropriate apology to her, nor will I ever be able to demonstrate my bona fides to her.  Such is life.  I have lost too many people in my life because I have given them cause to go away.  Sometimes, I'm glad to get rid of someone.  WDJ is a perfect example of this.  She never demonstrated real friendship.  And her last communication with me was confusing at best.

My true friends and loves accept me for who I am, regardless of how I present myself that day.  I guess that in the end, my ex girlfriend never really loved me, as I was a transitional relationship between a separation and a divorce.  Unlike FH, I never even had the courtesy of having a healthy argument during the relationship, where important problems could be aired out.  If I could have given her some advice, I'd have told her read this article:  5 pieces of incredibly honest dating advice.  Specifically, I'd refer her to the section labeled: "Would you be friends with this individual if you weren’t physically attracted to them?"  If someone doesn't meet the requirements for being a friend, why date that person?  And if you can't be a friend to a person, how can you love that person with a love that will last?

So this gets me to talking directly about myself.  In the past, I chose people as friends out of an emotional deficit.  When one grows up without friends, one will accept "substandard" friendships and relationships as a way of making do.  As I've gotten older, I've inadvertently pushed many relationships in this category away.  Could this have been subconscious?  Who knows?  But I never wanted to push one ex girlfriend away, even though neither of us could imagine a future together.  At least, I can now focus on finding a relationship with someone who cares about the whole of me, and not just a preconceived image of what a partner is supposed to be. 

Do I recoil from some of the things I did in the past?  Yes.  I never meant to hurt anyone.  But do I regret anything?  Only those things that hurt people without cause.  That one former friend in a prior paragraph is one of those I regret hurting.  But that's water under the bridge.

 

 

 

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