Sometimes, being transgender can be quite boring.

One thing I tell most newly "out" transgender people (or, those who are thinking of coming "out") is that living as one's true gender does not erase any problem one is having.  If one is having family problems, living authentically may only make things worse.  (In the case of one TG woman I know, living an authentic life forced her into poverty, and put walls up between her and her family.)  But what should a TG person do?  Should one live a lie, and preserve a family and a career?  Or, should one make the decision to be authentic, and risk losing many of the things we value most?

As readers of this (and my previous) blog know, I lost a love (in part) because of my transgender nature.  I also found out what a former friend really thought of me, with her words of anger.  At least, I know that my immediate family and close friends would have stood by me had the ex carried through on her threats. But should anyone have to risk things like this?

Many of us worry about our jobs, as a large number of TG people live in states where we are not protected (or actually harmed) by law.  One inactive blogger I know lives in one of these states.  Although her family knows that she travels en-femme, she would have little protection in her state if her management took a dislike to her for this reason.  Because of this, she is careful when she comes out of the closet.

But what happens when one has paid the price to live an authentic life?

To answer the above question, I feel that the answer is best answered by the phrase: "It Depends."  In my case, I still have my foot in both the masculine and feminine worlds.  It's a trade off I'm willing to make to have a romantic life with a good woman.  I live on a pension, soon to be supplemented by income from social security and a 401k.  Yet, if things were different when I was much younger, I'd have rather lived as Marian for most of my adult life.

Now that I'm able to go out and about, my life has grown rather mundane.  I don't have that much to talk about at times - just like a "normal" cisgender person.  I still remember my former cruise partner getting mad because I mentioned too much about her life in my former blog.  Sadly, parts of her life were like a soap opera, and it was hard to keep on the correct side of the blogging line.  So, I'm much more careful in writing this blog, knowing that I might bore people from time to time with the mundane details of my life.

So what will I be writing about in the future?

Although I will continue to write about my mundane life, I will also be writing about my travels.  Some of these travels will be as Marian.  And other travels will be as Mario.  Hopefully, I will be able to continue my travels to more and more places and provide my readers with interesting stories based on my adventures along the way.

My only free day this week....

 

As most of my readers know, I live most of my life as a female these days.  Yes, I'm legally male, but that isn't stopping me from enjoying most of the things that have been traditionally reserved for females.  And yet, there are still things that keep pulling me to spend more time as a male - such as romance.  For that reason, I have my daily calendar marked up with "Red" and "Green" days.  Today, I noticed that I have some "Red" events scheduled after I get home for two weeknight evenings, and have two completely "Red" days scheduled over the weekend.

A while back, Fran told me that her decision to "Out" herself to the world happened when she had a meeting that required her to present as a male, but showed up for that meeting as a female.  Since I want to control my "Outings", I've had to develop a good method of scheduling my time to retain that control. (This is part of why I was so pissed off at someone a couple of years ago.  But I won't bore you with that story now.)  I don't mind outing myself to people - there are people with whom I've outed myself, simply because I felt there was little risk in doing so.

For the next few days, my evenings are taken up by zoom meetings, dinner with a new friend, and time with RQS.  There's not much "Me Time" left.  Vicki said that's normal and OK - it's nice to know that you're spending time with someone again. The reason why one goes to meetups is that one needs to occupy empty time in one's schedule.  "Me Time" can be found by removing unneeded things from the schedule.

Right now, I have created "Me Time" by dropping weekend meetups from my schedule.  And weeknight meetups are next to come.  Yet, I will miss the meetups, as they served a purpose when I needed to be with people more than I do now....

If only I could read tea leaves....

Some people believe that the future can be foretold by reading tea leaves.  Too bad this isn't true, as I would be studying the subtleties of the tea leaf instead of working at a monotonous job.

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If I had known how FL would have reacted to the discovery of my female side, I'd have eased her into this knowledge.  There are so many "If Onlys" in  life, that many of us get stuck dwelling in the past. For the most part, I regret a relatively small number of things - one of which is not to openly say "I Love You" to my wife early and often before she died.

None of us can predict the future - we muddle through it as best as possible.  Right now, I'm thinking of how to spend much of my time next year.  Do I leave my job and spend more time traveling?  Do I crack open my nest egg?  Do I spend even more time than I do now as Marian (if that's possible)?  In fairness, the best we can do is make intelligent guesses.

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One question I'll have to figure out on my own is how to break the news about my existence as Marian to a woman who only knows me as Mario.  One transwoman I know is now married to her second wife, someone who will accept her for who she is - unless this transwoman goes for medical transition.  Hopefully, this marriage will last.  So far, it has lasted long enough for the couple to buy a house together. 

May the two of them live long and prosper....

 

Sometimes, I look back and shudder....

 

One of the issues I've had along my life's journey is what happens after I reveal my authentic self to a person.  Does the person run away?  Does the person show disgust?  Does the person take things as a simple matter of fact?  Or, does that person keep his/her real feelings quiet until the bubble of civility is burst by a dispute?

I told two women I once dated with very different results.  One relationship lasted several years before I found out that she was hiding her real feelings about me.  The other lasted only a couple of dates, as she couldn't deal with the TG part of my nature.  For the most part, it's an albatross around my neck that I have to deal with.

Sometimes, when angry, people's real feelings come out, as in the case of FH.  And though a friend told me that I should contact FH to give her some closure, I haven't done so yet.  She may be thinking that our argument was just a simple argument that people normally have.  But I feel that her total lack of respect for me soured any feelings I might have had for her.  As a result, she can read into my lack of communication what she will. 

With one former friend, I'll never be able to make an appropriate apology to her, nor will I ever be able to demonstrate my bona fides to her.  Such is life.  I have lost too many people in my life because I have given them cause to go away.  Sometimes, I'm glad to get rid of someone.  WDJ is a perfect example of this.  She never demonstrated real friendship.  And her last communication with me was confusing at best.

My true friends and loves accept me for who I am, regardless of how I present myself that day.  I guess that in the end, my ex girlfriend never really loved me, as I was a transitional relationship between a separation and a divorce.  Unlike FH, I never even had the courtesy of having a healthy argument during the relationship, where important problems could be aired out.  If I could have given her some advice, I'd have told her read this article:  5 pieces of incredibly honest dating advice.  Specifically, I'd refer her to the section labeled: "Would you be friends with this individual if you weren’t physically attracted to them?"  If someone doesn't meet the requirements for being a friend, why date that person?  And if you can't be a friend to a person, how can you love that person with a love that will last?

So this gets me to talking directly about myself.  In the past, I chose people as friends out of an emotional deficit.  When one grows up without friends, one will accept "substandard" friendships and relationships as a way of making do.  As I've gotten older, I've inadvertently pushed many relationships in this category away.  Could this have been subconscious?  Who knows?  But I never wanted to push one ex girlfriend away, even though neither of us could imagine a future together.  At least, I can now focus on finding a relationship with someone who cares about the whole of me, and not just a preconceived image of what a partner is supposed to be. 

Do I recoil from some of the things I did in the past?  Yes.  I never meant to hurt anyone.  But do I regret anything?  Only those things that hurt people without cause.  That one former friend in a prior paragraph is one of those I regret hurting.  But that's water under the bridge.

 

 

 

   .....

Sometimes, I find people amazing. Today was one of these days.

Without mentioning names, someone from my past called me today.  No, it was not an ex of any type.  Instead, it was someone who dropped out of contact for reasons connected to exes of one sort or another.

Chatting with this acquaintance reminded me of why I found chatting with this person to be awkward.  This person is not that sensitive to social cues, and one has to perform abrupt conversational breaks to get words in edgewise.  But I wonder why this person came out of the woodwork now.  And I have my guesses that I won't publish here.

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I got to exchange messages with the 3 women I've dated recently.  Let's call them #1, #2, and #3 for now.  I've dated #1 several times, and she has commented on my lack of PDA.  Thinking back, I don't remember seeing my dad hold my mom's hand, and I think that's where I get part of my awkward style with women. There is one potential show stopper - she doesn't drive, and would need to use mass transit to reach me. I've dated #2 twice, and it looks like we'll get together again next week.  This is the woman who has met me while I'm presenting as female.  She's a decent woman, and I haven't detected any show stoppers - save that she has had dental problems.  Lastly, I dated #3 once, and she would normally have the most promise in a world where I were not transgender. She's pretty goal oriented in dating me (for lack of a better expression) and I think she might be OK when finding out about my nature.

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This week, I've been going to work in the evening, taking Friday off to take TCL to the hospital for a minor procedure.  While at work, I had the chance to chat with one of my coworkers, and she mentioned the possibility of working from home with the folks from her primary job.  Would I be interested?  Probably.  But it's all a matter of how much work I want to do.  And therein lies the question - how much work do I really want to do?

While at the office, I decided to take a break and go outside to connect with my friends in Texas.  I haven't been able to participate in the Zoom meetup for a while, and figured that things were slow enough to spend 15 minutes chatting with the group.  And, of course, I was in rare form.  Too bad that one woman I dated could never see this side of me bloom.

I figure that my current publishing schedule works for me right now.  No longer do I need to rush to the computer to write my daily posts - I know that my most recent ex was a little peeved at me spending as much time as I did near a computer.  And I'll bet that whoever is next in my life will want to be a little more touchy-feely than I was in my prior relationships.  (This is one of woman #1's complaints she voiced to me this morning.)  So, cutting back on blog posts may be an inexpensive part of the price I have to pay to have a better relationship than I had for the past few years.

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As much as I find people strange, I accept most people for what they are - flawed, and a little insane - just like me.  I miss a few of the people who have passed through my life. But I don't miss the "Sturm und Drang" that I had to deal with to get to this point in life.