Sometimes, I look back and shudder....

 

One of the issues I've had along my life's journey is what happens after I reveal my authentic self to a person.  Does the person run away?  Does the person show disgust?  Does the person take things as a simple matter of fact?  Or, does that person keep his/her real feelings quiet until the bubble of civility is burst by a dispute?

I told two women I once dated with very different results.  One relationship lasted several years before I found out that she was hiding her real feelings about me.  The other lasted only a couple of dates, as she couldn't deal with the TG part of my nature.  For the most part, it's an albatross around my neck that I have to deal with.

Sometimes, when angry, people's real feelings come out, as in the case of FH.  And though a friend told me that I should contact FH to give her some closure, I haven't done so yet.  She may be thinking that our argument was just a simple argument that people normally have.  But I feel that her total lack of respect for me soured any feelings I might have had for her.  As a result, she can read into my lack of communication what she will. 

With one former friend, I'll never be able to make an appropriate apology to her, nor will I ever be able to demonstrate my bona fides to her.  Such is life.  I have lost too many people in my life because I have given them cause to go away.  Sometimes, I'm glad to get rid of someone.  WDJ is a perfect example of this.  She never demonstrated real friendship.  And her last communication with me was confusing at best.

My true friends and loves accept me for who I am, regardless of how I present myself that day.  I guess that in the end, my ex girlfriend never really loved me, as I was a transitional relationship between a separation and a divorce.  Unlike FH, I never even had the courtesy of having a healthy argument during the relationship, where important problems could be aired out.  If I could have given her some advice, I'd have told her read this article:  5 pieces of incredibly honest dating advice.  Specifically, I'd refer her to the section labeled: "Would you be friends with this individual if you weren’t physically attracted to them?"  If someone doesn't meet the requirements for being a friend, why date that person?  And if you can't be a friend to a person, how can you love that person with a love that will last?

So this gets me to talking directly about myself.  In the past, I chose people as friends out of an emotional deficit.  When one grows up without friends, one will accept "substandard" friendships and relationships as a way of making do.  As I've gotten older, I've inadvertently pushed many relationships in this category away.  Could this have been subconscious?  Who knows?  But I never wanted to push one ex girlfriend away, even though neither of us could imagine a future together.  At least, I can now focus on finding a relationship with someone who cares about the whole of me, and not just a preconceived image of what a partner is supposed to be. 

Do I recoil from some of the things I did in the past?  Yes.  I never meant to hurt anyone.  But do I regret anything?  Only those things that hurt people without cause.  That one former friend in a prior paragraph is one of those I regret hurting.  But that's water under the bridge.

 

 

 

   .....

It seems a little strange

It's funny how things have changed in the past few years....  The other day, I had plans to meet a woman for a date. Normally, this would not be an issue for me.  However, I was so comfortable in the casual female outfit I was wearing that I didn't want to change into male mode for this date.  What does this say about who and what I am becoming?  Although I finally changed into a pumpkin and went on the date, there was a part of me that missed being able to stay in my female presentation.  After spending Monday through Thursday working in female mode, it became hard for me to change into male mode - something I used to do much more often than I do now. 

- - - - - -

Recently, I received a message from the host of our Thursday night gaming group.  The family misses our weekly gaming sessions, and would like to host another outdoor session.  Hopefully, the weather will be good enough for a comfortable get together.  It will be nice to see everyone again.  I just wonder - what will winter be like?  Will they be comfortable having the usual gang in their house?  Or, will they play it safe and wait until there is a vaccine for the virus? 

Thinking about the gaming group, I'll soon be seeing one of the ladies from the group for lunch.  I have to treat this person with kid gloves, as I need to be sure if her intentions are friendship or something else.  I will entertain both options, but play the passive recipient of interest - showing my interest, but in a way that she has to initiate the next step forward.

- - - - - -

So far, none of the groups I'm really interested in (save Thursday night gaming) has had an in person meeting, other than the Live Music group.  And this group has several more meetings scheduled during the Summer - until the colder weather sets in.  Until then, I am registered for several meetups, while the ex girlfriend has stayed in her group for the most part.  And this suits me fine.  Sooner or later, our paths will cross and I will treat her civilly - as if I were meeting a total stranger.  (Actually, I'd be more friendly to the total stranger, as I'd have the possibility of making a new friend.  With the ex, I just want her out of my way so that she doesn't interfere with me participating in any other social activities.)

- - - - - -

WDJ came out of the woodwork a little, sending me this message a little over a week ago:

I'm going out today, need to shower, shampoo, get dressed etc & leave early so my time is limited. BUT if you give me a ph # where I can call you, I can talk a little bit-no gossip, just some straight up convo.
I wonder what's going on with her.  She has my phone number, so what does she want to talk about?  I know that she is now Facebook friends with the ex, so I wonder....

- - - - - -

Right now, I have 3, maybe 4, dating irons in the fire and I'll have to let some go soon.  The woman from Long Island is nice, but I'm not sure if there is enough chemistry there to make things work.  The woman I have seen twice in Marian Mode is nice, but I don't yet know enough about her to know what her baggage is.  And then, the woman I saw this Thursday is nice, has a similar set of goals as I do.  But can she accept me as Marian as well as Mario?  Of course, I should not forget the possibility of the woman from my gaming meetup - is she interested in me as more than a friend?  

- - - - - -

Given what 2020 has been like so far, I'd like to turn the clock back a few years and do a reset.  I spent too much time with someone who couldn't accept me for who I am.  I looked for work that I wasn't that interested (or qualified) in doing. And, I talked too much about someone else's life in my blogs.  I'd bet if I had made a few different decisions, I'd have been in a better place when 2020 came along.  Since there is no such thing as a working time machine, I guess I'll have to learn from my mistakes and prepare to make new and different ones....

And the week started to get busy....

Last night, I saw GFJ for dinner to talk about the problems in our relationship.  Some of you can guess what they are.  But for now, I won't discuss them here.  I want to give her enough room to process her feelings - and discussing them here may not help things.

- - - - - -

Waking up this morning, I felt rested, but lethargic.  Checking my blood sugar levels, I knew why - they were a little bit lower than usual for this time of morning, and I knew that it was time to have something that would pass for breakfast.

Once I took care of this, I figured that I'd check my email.  I received a notice from a TV show filming in NYC that I had a confirmed ticket for tomorrow.  This was no good anymore, as I had dinner scheduled with Vicki #1. So I sent a response cancelling my ticket, and continued checking my emails.  It's amazing how much low-priority email is getting tossed into the spam folder.  Since I see them on my cell phone before they are folder-filed, I know that they have little value.  So I decided not to change my filters for now.

And then, I looked at my schedule....

The rest of my week looked like this:

Tuesday:
1. Volunteering at Arts Westchester
2. Dinner with the Beacon Meetup Group

Wednesday:
1. Volunteering at the LGBT Center
2. Dinner with Vicki #1 (Hudson Valley Restaurant Week)

Thursday:
1. Speech Therapy
2. Dinner with HWV (Hudson Valley Restaurant Week)

Friday:
1. (Possible) Volunteering at Arts Westchester
2. (Possible) Visiting MoMA with my niece.

Saturday:
1. (Possible) Visiting JS and seeing her Psychic.

Of course, many things end up filling in the gaps.  Chores such as laundry, shopping, etc. take up a lot of time when one has the time to burn.  And I burn it well....

- - - - - -

Around 1 pm, I drove to Arts Westchester to do a volunteer stint.  Today's task was to slice and dice information collected on a spreadsheet, and separate each organization's visitors into separate row entries, so that further analysis of that information could take place.  Unfortunately, the instructions given to me was a little flawed, as well as my understanding of those instructions. So I ended up wasting a little time (as well as having to do some rework) because of mutual misunderstandings.  But I got enough done correctly, so that I'll be coming back next week.

After this, I drove to the dining meetup in Fishkill, with a stop at BJ's Wholesale Club.  I figured that I'd pick up some plastic cups and paper plates I often use, killing time before the meetup. Once done at BJ's, I drove to dinner and found a parking spot near the restaurant without any problem.  (Sometimes, it pays to be a little bit early.)  Then I sat down across from a new member, next to one of our regulars, and across from WDJ.  Although it was noisy, I had several good conversations. And all too soon, dinner was over. 

Driving home, I tried to reach GFJ - but her line was busy.  She was chatting with her son about Thanksgiving issues, and called me back as soon as she was off the phone.  It seems like the big family Thanksgiving dinner may be called off due to family complications I can't go into detail here.  Instead, she may end up spending the holiday with both her sons at her youngest son's place.  Although she was originally planning on renting a car and driving 600 miles each way, I suggested that she look into Amtrak.  She could leave her car at my place, hop on the Lake Shore Limited, and reach her son's place about 16 hours later. (That should be enough information to guess where he lives.)  We ran the numbers for the trip, and doing this will cost less than the car rental.  Hopefully, that fare will still be available if she needs to use it.

- - - - - -

Once I got home, I turned on the political news.  And I found that the Democrats won big in the State of Virginia.  Of course, my curiosity was piqued.  Did my favorite Virginia politician win?  YES!!!!!

Danica Roem
Member of the Virginia House of Delegates from the 13th district

On November 5, 2019, Roem defeated Republican challenger Kelly McGinn, becoming the first openly transgender state legislator to be re-elected.

On the whole, this was a very good day - even though I found out that a job application I sent in was rejected.  (I didn't really want to work in a call center.  But it was a full time position in a firm which makes sure that transgender individuals are protected. So, why not email a resume?  It couldn't hurt!)

Seeing a friend for lunch

I'd love to open up today's entry with a musical phrase that had the sonic undertones of "I read the news today...."  But putting words on a video display can not properly capture how I felt when I woke up this morning.

- - - - - - -

My alarms are usually set to wake me up around 8:30, 9:00, and 10:00 am.  The 8:30 am alarm wakes me up enough, so that if I want to watch TV at 9:00 am, I can do so.  9:00 comes 30 minutes later, and serves to being me to semi consciousness if I've fallen back to sleep. And 10:00 comes an hour later, and forces me to get up and moving if I haven't done so already.  Today, it was the latter alarm that woke me up, and I realized that I was going to be running late for lunch with SWD.  So I messaged her, and said that I'd be about a half hour late for lunch.

Once I was moving, I had to make a hard decision - what to wear for the day.  Until I started to dress as a woman does, I had no clue why many women day "I have nothing to wear" when they have a full closet.  Now, I suffer with the same problems.  So I chose a tunic length dress and a pair of leggings for appropriateness with today's dreary weather, got dressed and out the door 45 minutes later than planned.

On the way up to Beacon, I got stuck behind traffic. When I reached Garrison, WDJ called. There were things she wanted to talk about, as well as wanting to process feelings from a matter we discussed the week before.  I ended the call when I reached Beacon, and found a parking spot a short block away from the restaurant.

I arrived at the restaurant around 12:15 and saw SWD in the window.  So I went into the restaurant and sat down at her table.  We chatted about many things, most notably issues with our significant others and what is going on with our families.  This would be a shorter lunch than usual, as we were out the door within an hour or so.  But this was OK with me - I've been feeling down since Saturday, and still need time to process my feelings from that night.

When I got home, I had nothing to do for the rest of the day.  So I decided to take a nap.  By the time I got up, it was 8:00, and I realized I was in for the night.  (How many Freshly meals do I have left in my freezer?)

Ending the week on an off note

I only had a visit to Arts Westchester on the docket for today,  Last week, I said that I'd be making a return visit - and my contact at AW forgot that I was coming.  So she wasn't prepared for me when I arrived.  Yet, there was work that I could do that involved miscellaneous office chores . And I did that work for a couple of hours, until there was no more work to do. On the way home, I got a call from WDJ telling me about the first meeting of her new meetup group.  It didn't go as expected, but what first gatherings go as planned?  I wish her a lot of success with the group, and then remembered to sign up for it when I got home.

As you can guess, there wasn't much to occupy my day.  Since I was very tired when I got home, I stripped off my clothes and took a nap.  GFJ would likely not be coming down tonight, as she wasn't feeling that good.  Hopefully, she'll feel good enough to go for her hike tomorrow (with dinner afterwards).  If not, I'd better start looking for a meetup to go to on Sunday.  Or, I should prepare to drive to Long Island (in male presentation) to see my family. No matter what happens tonight, I still have no idea about what I'll be doing come Sunday....

Thinking about a conversation I had at a recent meetup

Sometimes, a wig is just a wig.  And sometimes, it is something more.  In the case of an Orthodox Jewish Married Woman, a Sheitel is an essential tool to "preserve modesty" in a subtle way.  According to an article in the Forward, "Jewish law calls for women to cover their hair after marriage, and many religious women see wigs as a more subtle covering than hats or headscarves."  To many women wearing Sheitels, spending between $1,000 to $5,000 is excessive.  And these ladies are going elsewhere to get their wigs.

A former friend kept pushing me to go to a store specializing in supplying sheitels for the Orthodox community.  I couldn't see spending $2,500 on a wig - even if it would last me 6 times as long as the wigs I now wear (assuming proper care).  As much as the wig would look better for a longer time, I don't feel comfortable putting an extra $2,000+ into buying a wig, and having something go wrong several months into its expected lifespan.  I'd rather buy a new wig every 3-6 months or so, and have that extra $2,000 in the bank earning interest for me.

WDJ says that I can get a human hair wig much cheaper than that by going the Chinese route.  I'm pretty sure that I could do that given the article I just read.  This would be a boon to me and other M2F transgenders, as most of us want to look as pretty as possible.  And a woman's hair will always be one of the first things a person notices about that woman.  If I could be sure I was getting a wig that fit properly and looked good on me, I'd consider the Chinese route for myself.

I don't think I'm giving away any secrets when I mention that WDJ enjoys wearing her wigs.  (Since she occasionally makes it known to people at the meetup, I don't think she'd mind me casually mentioning this fact.)  Both WDJ and I were chatting with a new woman at our dining meetup, and the subject of wigs came up.  Each of us had stories about our wigs, and WDJ talked about her experiences in Facebook wig forums, as well as some of the purchases she has made over the years.  Given her experiences with some vendors, I may consider going the Chinese route when I decide to go with a human hair wig - as long as I have a few extra dollars to gamble.  Since I am a conservative gambler, I expect that I will likely get a good deal on a wig once I've done all necessary research on going the Chinese route.

An Autumn Nor'easter is expected

When I started this entry, I was grateful that it isn't winter.  A storm like what was expected for this evening through Thursday afternoon would be a pain, but only consist of rain.  It would most likely get in the way of my daily events, but not cause me many problems after the storm ended.

Considering my lack of energy, I decided to bail out on volunteering for the day, and rested until it was time to get ready for dinner in Fishkill.  I expected that a few people would bail from the meetup because of the rain. But I didn't expect that I could be the only person there. So, I decided to brave the rain and drive to the Eleven-Eleven restaurant for a 6:30 dinner.  I arrived at the meetup a few minutes late, as it was hard to find a legal parking lot.  But there was nothing to be concerned about - no one's drink orders had been taken, and it would be a while before dinner orders were taken.

Sitting down at the far end of the table, I was able to chat with a new member of the meetup group.  But she wasn't my prime focus of conversation.  Instead, it was the two people to my right - a husband/wife couple who were interested in cruising.  And I had a couple of stories to tell.  However, it was hard to be heard over the noise.  This is not the place to go if you want a romantic meal.  Instead, this is a place to go when you want a pleasant night with someone, but aren't interested in heavy conversation.

As the gathering waned, WDJ came over to chat with me and this new member.  We were chatting for a while after most of our group left, and I chatted a bit more with this woman after WDJ left.  When the rain eased off a little, the two of us headed to our cars, and we headed to our separate homes.