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Like many kids, I had an unhappy childhood. My mother and grandmother were people who used fear to get their kids to comply with their directives. Both would get mad for reasons that normal children could not understand or deal with in a healthy manner. When my grandmother had a massive stroke, I was happy for a while - one source of terror was almost removed from my life. The problem was that she became a shell of her former self, needing assistance for everything - including help to get up and being walked to the toilet. At times, I had to babysit my grandmother when I should have been out playing. One should not ask this, much demand this of a 7 year old child. I guess this was one of the many causes of many feelings I had to repress.
At a certain time in my childhood, my parents realized something was wrong and took me to see several psychiatrists. Unfortunately, the DSM-4 (or whatever level it was then) didn't have entries for disorders caused by f**ked up family dynamics. If they had, maybe I could have had a happier childhood, as I might have learned the skills to deal with many of the problems that come in life.
As I got older, the urge to get married and have children came along. Knowing that my temper was a severe liability, I did not want to have children. The risk of harming them as was done to me was too great. But this also hurt my wife, as neither of us knew how to communicate our feelings to the other. To this day, I'll never know if she would have wanted children, as we never had this discussion. I feared letting myself get angry at her, as I felt that the only argument we'd have would destroy the relationship. So, when she became terminally ill, I can't be sure if either of us knew that we loved each other anymore because of our inability to communicate.
It took a while, but I eventually stumbled into an LCSW who taught me many of the skills needed to have a healthy relationship with someone else. However, he couldn't help me deal with other issues that would cause me grief later on, such as settling for the first person who would put up with me after each loss.
Just before the pandemic hit, I lost the two closest friends I had. I need not rehash the reasons here. But I ended up a better person because of it. Now, I take a "Let it Slide" attitude to many things, as there are many more important things to be concerned about. Letting go of anger, both repressed and non-repressed ended up being a good thing, as I can move forward to the future. My current girlfriend can see when I get frustrated, and she knows that if she gives me a second to process what's going on, that I can stay rational and be the person she cares about. Again, I am grateful to have her in my life at this time in my life. But then, I've said this often in this blog....
