I got crucified by a paper pusher - will I come back to life?

 

As I've written before, I applied for the foreign birth registry of a nation, so that my right to claim citizenship is recognized.  Although my brother hit a bump in the road with his paperwork, he is now a dual citizen of both the United States and of this country (which I will leave unnamed at the moment.)  I just hit another bump in the road, and I will need to resubmit my photographs (no big problem) and submit one extra piece of paperwork that I do not have access to - my grandmother's marriage certificate.  AARGH!

I do not know if my brother has the date and jurisdiction of my grandmother's marriage license, so that I can get a certified copy from the appropriate entity to file with the photographs requested by the foreign birth registry.   But you might be interested in the contents of the following letter, so that if you are going through this process, you can understand what I'm going through.

Dear applicant,

We are dealing with your application to obtain Citizenship through entry on the Foreign Births Register. Unfortunately we cannot proceed with your application without the following document/s:


For the applicant (yourself):

1. A newly completed application form (pdf attached) and 4 new photographs, the witness to the application submitted is not the same witness that certified/witnessed your passport sized photos and your photo ID. The same witness must certify/witness all your documents. Please ensure the form is completed in full. Please ensure that the back of 2 of the photographs submitted are stamped, signed, dated and the application number is entered on the back by your witness. Please ensure that your witness stamps, signs and dates your application and submits a business card /letterhead if no stamp is available.

2. A certified/witnessed photocopy of your current state-issued photographic ID document (i.e. passport, drivers licence, national identity card), certified/witnessed by the witness to your application form. If you are sending a copy of your passport, please ensure that all the data on the photo page is fully visible.


For the grandparent (your grandmother):

1. Original civil marriage certificate/s showing name change from birth surname to current surname - Church certificates, certificates of marriage registration, marriage licenses and/or photocopies are not acceptable.

Please ensure that your application number is clearly marked on the envelope.

When the documents are received and your application is reviewed, you may be contacted again for further clarification or documents if required.

As you can see, I have a bit of work before me.  My grandmother's history is a bit sketchy, as my dad preserved precious little documentation regarding her life.  Yet, my brother squeaked through this process, so I should do so as well.  But when?  I want to be able to leave the USA if the Orange Monster goes completely berserk.

 

 

PS: We found a photograph of the Marriage Certificate, but we need an official copy. Given that it is not digitally accessible in the NYC records database, it's going to be a bit more of a pain in the ass than I would like.

Anger

 

As my therapist taught me, anger is a secondary emotion.  It comes from the need to deal with another feeling which is often unidentified before anger erupts.  (I forgot exactly how he liked to describe it.)  Once a person gets angry, a lot of negative things can happen.

- - - - - -

Like many kids, I had an unhappy childhood.  My mother and grandmother were people who used fear to get their kids to comply with their directives. Both would get mad for reasons that normal children could not understand or deal with in a healthy manner. When my grandmother had a massive stroke, I was happy for a while - one source of terror was almost removed from my life.  The problem was that she became a shell of her former self, needing assistance for everything - including help to get up and being walked to the toilet.  At times, I had to babysit my grandmother when I should have been out playing.  One should not ask this, much demand this of a 7 year old child.  I guess this was one of the many causes of many feelings I had to repress.

At a certain time in my childhood, my parents realized something was wrong and took me to see several psychiatrists. Unfortunately, the DSM-4 (or whatever level it was then) didn't have entries for disorders caused by f**ked up family dynamics.  If they had, maybe I could have had a happier childhood, as I might have learned the skills to deal with many of the problems that come in life.

As I got older, the urge to get married and have children came along.  Knowing that my temper was a severe liability, I did not want to have children.  The risk of harming them as was done to me was too great.  But this also hurt my wife, as neither of us knew how to communicate our feelings to the other.  To this day, I'll never know if she would have wanted children, as we never had this discussion.  I feared letting myself get angry at her, as I felt that the only argument we'd have would destroy the relationship. So, when she became terminally ill, I can't be sure if either of us knew that we loved each other anymore because of our inability to communicate.

It took a while, but I eventually stumbled into an LCSW who taught me many of the skills needed to have a healthy relationship with someone else.  However, he couldn't help me deal with other issues that would cause me grief later on, such as settling for the first person who would put up with me after each loss.  

Just before the pandemic hit, I lost the two closest friends I had.  I need not rehash the reasons here.  But I ended up a better person because of it.  Now, I take a "Let it Slide" attitude to many things, as there are many more important things to be concerned about.  Letting go of anger, both repressed and non-repressed ended up being a good thing, as I can move forward to the future.  My current girlfriend can see when I get frustrated, and she knows that if she gives me a second to process what's going on, that I can stay rational and be the person she cares about.  Again, I am grateful to have her in my life at this time in my life.  But then, I've said this often in this blog....