It's off to Alaska!

 

By the time you read this, I should be home from my cruise.  We flew out to San Francisco from New York, then spent 3 days there until the cruise started.  I expected a different experience than when I took my first cruise to Alaska on this line almost 30 years ago.  Then, I was still filled with grief, having lost my wife the year before.  Now, I'm with a partner with whom I expect to spend the rest of my days.

Over the next few days, I plan to journal my daily activities.  Unfortunately, I could not take this trip as Marian for several reasons, the most important of which is that my feminine wardrobe is not geared for Alaska's climate. And now, with the Orange Snowflake in power, I would not feel safe going through any TSA/CBP checkpoints as Marian.  We now have a repressive political regime in power these days, and I don't want to be caught in its crosshairs while it's in power.

- - - - - -

Assuming one is interested in an Alaska cruise, one has several decisions to make when choosing a cruise itinerary, a cruise line, and a cruise ship.  Since I am very comfortable with Princess Cruises, it was topmost of the 3 lines allowed to sail into Glacier Bay:

• Princess
• Holland America
• Norwegian

Other cruise lines are allowed to cruise these areas for glacier viewing:

• Endicott Arm
• Hubbard Glacier
• Tracy Arm 

I had several port requirements:

• The cruise must make port in Ketchikan, Juneau, and Skagway.  
• The cruise must spend a full day in each Alaska port. 
• The cruise must make port as close to the Alaskan town as possible.
  (This ruled out Norwegian, which makes port at Ward Cove, 6 miles outside of Ketchikan.)

These requirements limited me to choosing a Princess cruise sailing out of San Francisco. Unlike my last Princess Alaskan Cruise package from this port, they did not have me stay at an airport hotel.  Instead, they booked me into the Mark Hopkins in the heart of San Francisco.  It's one of San Francisco's more well known places to stay with prices to match.  But then, this is a "Bucket List" type vacation and I feel that Princess now wants to make sure that people feel they are getting something special when they book their Alaskan cruise.

- - - - -

San Francisco will always be a special place for me.  My late wife always wanted to live there, but couldn't do so.  After visiting the place once, I wished I could live there.  But life made other plans for me.  It's just as well, as San Francisco lost much of its vibrancy with the Covid pandemic.  Businesses left town, and storefronts were shuttered.  It has yet to recover, and I doubt it will in my lifetime.

On my last visit to San Francisco with RQS, we visited the Japanese Tea Garden, the Musee Mechanique, and had a meal at the Swan Oyster Depot.  With 3 days in town, our choices have expanded, and I will document them in later posts.  Needless to say, we knew where to feast..... 

 

How does one deal with a company which has bad customer service?

 

 

 

Someone I know lost her mom during Covid.  She now has a problem caused by a business who, after 2 attempts to get the problem resolved, still can't get things right.  In fact, the firm's representative suggested that my friend break the law to get it resolved.  AARGH!!!!

 

But first....

 

The problem started when my friend's mom overpaid the premiums on an insurance policy.  This would not normally be a problem, as eventually the over payment would be refunded to the customer.  However, the customer died during the pandemic.  Sometime late last year, the insurance company sent a notice to the wrong address for this woman, and the woman's granddaughter passed the notice on to my friend along with a refund check addressed to my friend's mother. My friend now had a dilemma.  The estate was closed out several years ago.  There was no bank account in which the check could be deposited and funds passed through to the woman's heirs.  How should she proceed to get this money? 

 

My friend's first task was to find out exactly who to contact in the insurance company.  This was the first layer of the problem.  Many companies issue checks from an entity holding a different corporate name than the entity with which one did business.  (Think of private label credit cards - a credit card issued with the Exxon, Sunoco, Shell or other fuel companies might send its refund checks with a Citibank payer name on the check.) In my friend's case, this was harder than it should have been for her.

 

The next layer of the problem was that the customer service number wasn't geared for payee problems.  It was geared for collection problems - their focus was on collecting money from people who were late on their payments, not on those that the company paid money to.  Yet, through perseverance, my friend was able to reach someone in customer service.  She explained the situation to someone in a foreign call center, and was told to submit proof of her mother's death and proof that she was the executor of the estate - which she did. 

 

Several weeks later, my friend received a check.  When my friend looked at the check, it was made out to be paid to her mother.  She called the company back and got someone who could barely speak English and was likely to be making things up on the fly to keep my friend happy.  My friend explained the problem, and the woman at the other side of the line told my friend - pretend you are your mom and cash the check.  The customer center suggested that my friend commit a crime to get the money that should be paid to her.  This was a ludicrous suggestion, and my friend insisted that the problem be fixed properly by issuing a check with my friend's name on it.  The call center lady "agreed" and said that a new check would be sent out shortly.

 

Another few weeks went by, and my friend received a second check.  And again, the check was issued to her mom.  So again, my friend made a call to the company and reached another person.  Again, the foreign call center suggested that she cash the check, and she refused.  This time, she led the call center fellow through the situation and got him to state who the check would be made out to (my friend's name).  This time, my friend thought the problem would be resolved and forgot about it for a while.

 

Still, another few weeks went by.  When my friend returned home after a long weekend, she found another check in her mailbox.  Opening up the envelope, she again found a check - again with her mom's name. Now, my friend became royally pissed off.  What should she do now?

 

I suggested that she talk to a lawyer (she has one in her family) as well as contact Elliot Advocacy.  Another friend suggested that she go to her bank and ask what to do.  Hopefully, she will get an answer she needs and finally get this problem resolved once and for all....   

 

 

 

 

 

  

Anger

 

As my therapist taught me, anger is a secondary emotion.  It comes from the need to deal with another feeling which is often unidentified before anger erupts.  (I forgot exactly how he liked to describe it.)  Once a person gets angry, a lot of negative things can happen.

- - - - - -

Like many kids, I had an unhappy childhood.  My mother and grandmother were people who used fear to get their kids to comply with their directives. Both would get mad for reasons that normal children could not understand or deal with in a healthy manner. When my grandmother had a massive stroke, I was happy for a while - one source of terror was almost removed from my life.  The problem was that she became a shell of her former self, needing assistance for everything - including help to get up and being walked to the toilet.  At times, I had to babysit my grandmother when I should have been out playing.  One should not ask this, much demand this of a 7 year old child.  I guess this was one of the many causes of many feelings I had to repress.

At a certain time in my childhood, my parents realized something was wrong and took me to see several psychiatrists. Unfortunately, the DSM-4 (or whatever level it was then) didn't have entries for disorders caused by f**ked up family dynamics.  If they had, maybe I could have had a happier childhood, as I might have learned the skills to deal with many of the problems that come in life.

As I got older, the urge to get married and have children came along.  Knowing that my temper was a severe liability, I did not want to have children.  The risk of harming them as was done to me was too great.  But this also hurt my wife, as neither of us knew how to communicate our feelings to the other.  To this day, I'll never know if she would have wanted children, as we never had this discussion.  I feared letting myself get angry at her, as I felt that the only argument we'd have would destroy the relationship. So, when she became terminally ill, I can't be sure if either of us knew that we loved each other anymore because of our inability to communicate.

It took a while, but I eventually stumbled into an LCSW who taught me many of the skills needed to have a healthy relationship with someone else.  However, he couldn't help me deal with other issues that would cause me grief later on, such as settling for the first person who would put up with me after each loss.  

Just before the pandemic hit, I lost the two closest friends I had.  I need not rehash the reasons here.  But I ended up a better person because of it.  Now, I take a "Let it Slide" attitude to many things, as there are many more important things to be concerned about.  Letting go of anger, both repressed and non-repressed ended up being a good thing, as I can move forward to the future.  My current girlfriend can see when I get frustrated, and she knows that if she gives me a second to process what's going on, that I can stay rational and be the person she cares about.  Again, I am grateful to have her in my life at this time in my life.  But then, I've said this often in this blog....

One of these days, I'll have a "normal" sleep schedule

 

I've never been one to sleep when the rest of the world sleeps.  Yes, I'll get up early, so that I can make certain appointments.  But, when I have no critical appointments, I will sleep as long as possible.  In fact, when RQS comes over, she ends up syncing to my sleep pattern, instead of me syncing my sleep pattern to hers.  Normally, this wouldn't concern me, but it has lasted way too long this time around.

My mom once told me that when I was very young, I would always be awake at night and would sleep during the day.  As I grew up, this unusual pattern would always come back whenever I had no fixed daytime routine.  When I entered the workforce, I was most successful when I could get into work later than the average person and leave later as well.

Now that I'm retired, this has become a liability, as I could easily sleep 16 hours a day if I wanted to. Being active is the best way to have a long life.  Without the imposed need to be active, it's too easy to fall into the bad habits which would shorten my life.

- - - - - -

At the beginning of the pandemic, I was depressed due to losing two of the people who were most important in my life.  On my days off from the census, I would occasionally go to various rail trails and walk two or three miles.  I'm not as motivated to do this anymore.  Yet, this would be the best thing to do.

Let's see what happens in the spring.  I might just get back into walking again, and stay in sync with the rest of the world.

Now to clean up the mess in my apartment

 

I only wish my dining room table was still this "uncluttered".  Right now, the whole apartment (including the table) is filled with clutter.  But how did it happen? And, how can I eliminate the clutter?

- - - - - -

Before Covid, the clutter in my apartment was being kept to a manageable level.  The bi-weekly (then monthly) visit by my cleaning lady gave me the incentive to keep this place neat enough for her to come in on a regular basis.  However, the pandemic got in the way of everything, and I no longer bothered trying to keep the place "neat".  (With what was going on in my life then, as mentioned in my former blog, I was too depressed to bother keeping the place neat.)  Now that I am feeling much better about life, and have a solid relationship with a new girlfriend, it's still hard to get this place in order.  I no longer have the energy to do much of anything without some assistance.

Over the past year or so, I have been donating bags of clothes I no longer wear to charity.  God knows how many bags I've already donated.  But now, things have slowed down a bit.  Yet, I have much more to get rid of, and RQS will help me prune things some more.  I'm a bit embarrassed to have people come into this place, and I will have to make room for an electrician to work on every outlet.  We have aluminum wiring on our 15a circuits, and they need to make sure that the proper connectors are being used, so that we don't have an electrical fire.  I'm going to be quite busy soon!

With all the effort I'm likely to make, I expect one important thing to come of all of this - a less cluttered apartment.  Let's hope that I can keep it that way.

Someone mentioned an opportunity to me.

 

The other day, I got an email from someone at a place I once volunteered.  She asked me about some work that needed to be done at this place, mentioning that this may be a part-time position in the making.  I was pleasantly surprised about this, as I've needed an excuse to get moving each day and to get out of the house.  Assuming I'm the person who fills this slot, I will go to work as Marian - even though key people will know that I am trans.  It'll be nice to have regular interactions with people again.  If I'm lucky, I'll get the part-time position and put some extra cash in my wallet.

Looking back over the past few years, I've noticed that I have fewer reasons to get up in the morning. than I had 10 years ago.  Yes, I was at the end of a 30 year career with the bank I once worked for.  But I had already checked out due to the lack of opportunities left for me in the New York office.  When I was laid off, it was a blessing to me, as it freed me to explore being out as Marian much more often than I could have been in the past.

Getting through the pandemic with my sanity (or, at least, most of it) intact was a lucky thing.  Having lost both my best friend and a girlfriend, and then my father took a toll on me.  I was lucky to have a short term job at the Census Bureau, and then the document imaging firm the year afterwards.  Yet, towards the end, I was having problems getting up when I had no social commitments for the day. Do I miss that friend and the ex-girlfriend?  A little.  But I miss my father most of all. In many ways, the years of the pandemic sapped much out of me that has yet to return.

I have no problems getting up when RQS is around.  Having someone in my life energizes me, and gives me a reason to get up and moving.  Is this normal for an older person?  Many males tend to die within 3 years of retirement.  So, could my TG identity be a factor in keeping me alive?  Or, is it a good romance?  Who knows?  But I know that the idea of having both a solid romance and a part time job may be factors in keeping me alive for another 2 or 3 decades.

Seeing RQS's Cousin & Wife

 

This was an interesting day for us, as it was one where I screwed up a little and things worked out better because of it....

- - - - - -

RQS and I were supposed to meet her cousin and his wife at a local eatery.  Normally, one doesn't need a reservation to eat there.  But for Sunday brunch, they advise getting one ahead of time.  Not knowing this, I didn't make the reservation and found out that we'd have to wait an hour before having a chance to eat there.  So, we checked with her cousin and agreed to eat at a local diner.

Going to DD's diner in Ossining in the past revealed a limited menu.  But in a pinch, the diner was always a reliable place for me to eat.  This time, I was impressed, as they returned to their pre-pandemic full menu.  This gave us a chance to have a filling meal, and time to have a leisurely chat.  And chat we did!  We got along as if we have been the closest of friends for years.  I was surprised to find that her cousin noticed my tiny earrings.  But then, he is a doctor, and trained to notice these things.

All too soon, they had to leave for their home (they live 5 hours away), and we had to get back to my place to take care of things.  In a conversation we had afterwards, RQS and I had a feeling that they would be accepting of my Marian side.  Maybe one day, I'll reveal it to them and find out.

Sample Sale!

I love the quality what Universal Standard has to offer, and have always wanted to visit their site and go shopping in-person.  Unfortunately, Covid-19 put the kibosh on that until now.  Recently, a sample sale made this desire a reality for me, even though they have not yet bothered to reopen a retail outlet for their goods.

- - - - - -

When I made plans with RQS for this weekend, I figured that I could meet her for lunch in NYC, and then visit the sample sale being held two subway stops away. So, I took a 12:30 train into the city and met RQS for lunch in Union Square.  From there, it was off to the sample sale.  Although we got on the wrong downtown train, we were still able to make it to their ad-hoc store by 3:00 or so.  And then the fun began....

We made it to the entrance, only to see a sign telling us that people had to sign up for this sale.  Obviously, neither of us did that.  So I figured that it was OK to take the elevator up to their floor, as I didn't think that this notice would be enforced - and I was right.  The two of us were in a room as small as my apartment that oozed estrogen. 

Upon entry, a saleswoman greeted us, and told us to look around.  Everything was "organized" by size.  (I'd say that this was a loose description, as not everything was being put back in its original place.)  Out of 30+ people in the room, there was only 1 male, obviously a "non threatening" employee (please read between my lines). Although there was no changing room, it looked like the women's dressing room at Syms (a former clothing store from the New York area) - women in all stages of dress or undress were trying on clothing they found on the racks.  RQS said that it was like being in a woman's locker room when the gym was busy.  It was only too bad that I couldn't have gotten into the swing of things and try on some outfits.  But I was able to find a nice robe in my size, and bought it for $35.

Once done there, it was time to go back to my place.  It was the first time that the two of us took the commuter train together, and it was a nice ride up the Hudson....

 

It's amazing how 3 years of time changed things.

 

It's hard to believe that it's been 3 years since XGFJ broke up with me. Unlike FCP, XGFJ is not angry with me, and this is a good thing.  Although FCP was at the wedding of XGFJ's son, this friendship was not meant to last long.  They only thing they had in common was me, and that was not a good enough connection for 2 people to maintain a friendship.  (I won't go into details about what each of these 2 people said about each other, but what they did say gave me the information I needed to find a sense of closure to the ending of both relationships.)

Sometimes, I find myself thinking about my past and the mistakes I made with XGFJ.  Yet, they were unavoidable - people have to effectively communicate their wants and needs in a relationship to get them.  Goodwill breaks down when effective communication doesn't occur.  Right now, XGFJ and I have goodwill, though our relationship has ended.  I can't say the same for FCP, as she can never forgive me for exposing too many of her inner feelings to the outside world.  Nor can I give her a hall pass for yelling at me, when calmer communication would have given her what she wanted much quicker and with fewer headaches.  

But I digress....

Since the end of these relationships, I have been able to establish a friendly communications channel with XGFJ.  Recently, she sent me a message that she was finally enjoying her long planned (and postponed) vacation in Greece. Although Greece is not a place I have on my bucket list, I might have gone with her if we were still in a relationship and we were able to include each other in activities with our friends.  Hopefully, the rest of her trip will go well, as I expect that we will be out of touch until I get back from Hawaii.

Rebuilding a social network takes time, especially after a pandemic.  I'm at the stage where I have to pick and choose who I want to see and how I spend my money to be with them.  Obviously, RQS is my highest priority.  I still see FH when our schedules permit.  But that's not often anymore. I'm still in loose contact with MWL, but we don't have much to say to each other either.  Although I still go to meetups, they are not as important to me as they used to be.

In many ways (but not all), RQS has it better than I do.  She is confident in herself, and actively pursues things that nurture her.  She keeps busy with her hobbies, and still finds time to be with me - as if I'm one of the (formerly) missing pieces in her life's puzzle.  It's a good thing for both of us that we have a relationship, and I hope it keeps growing as time goes on.  

Yet, I still wonder....  Will I ever need to rebuild my connections again?  And if so, will it be possible, given my age at the time?

It's been a long time since I've seen this friend.

 

For the life of me, I can't seem to find a picture of me with RO at a formerly local Italian Restaurant.  This may be just as well for now.  But it would have been nice to give my readers an idea to why I wanted her as a friend, and not as a lover.

We haven't seen each other in years, as the pandemic got in the way of us getting together.  Now that she's living in the Poconos full time, we can't make a quick decision to get together after work.  After a little bit of planning, we set today for our get together; and I chose the restaurant at a mid way point for both of us.

I didn't get moving until noon, and took my time getting ready to get showered, made up and dressed. It was a good thing that I left a little wiggle room in my departure time, as traffic could be unpredictable when dealing with the Bear Mountain Bridge.  Today, it was just that, as it took forever to get to the bridge.  But once I reached Seven Lakes Drive, it was a pleasant drive through Harriman State Park to get to Sloatsburg.  And from there, it was a hop, skip and a jump to NJ 287 which took me to Parsippany.  

In the past, the trip from Mahwah to Parsippany would take forever, as Route 287 had not been built between Boonton and Mahwah.  Since the route was completed, it was a 30 minute drive to reach my final destination from the NY/NJ state line.  Not knowing that RO would be on time, I brought along a book that I could read if she got stuck in traffic.  Luckily, she reached the restaurant at the same time as I did.

RO knows me as Marian, even though she has seen me as Mario a couple of times.  It is much easier for her to think of me as Marian, and that's the way I arrived at the restaurant.  Our talked flowed like water, and both of us enjoyed some of the best Italian food I've ever been served.  (I had the Lasagna, and it was an 11 on a scale of 10!)  All too soon, it was time to go home, and I took the overland route instead of going through the park.

Hopefully, we'll be able to get together much sooner than last time.  Until then, we'll keep in touch.  It'll be nice if RO & Husband gets the chance to meet RQS and I for dinner one day....

Random thoughts on a weekend day

I usually take care of shopping for the week on weekends.  When I'm at RQS's place I usually go to the supermarket on my way home.  This way, I'm able to pick up lunches for several days.  If I haven't done my laundry, Sunday is the day it gets done.  This weekend, I got a little bit done, but didn't have energy for anything else.

Yes, I've written about being tired many times before.  And I will likely do so again.  But I've noticed that when I don't have much at stake, I tend to do nothing - not forcing myself to gt up to do any of the things I need to do.  Is it old age, is it depression, or is it something else?  The root of my lethargy is a big concern to me, as I feel that as I approach traditional retirement age that I need to understand more about my health.

- - - - - -

Years ago, I could ride a bicycle all day, covering 50 miles without much thought other than the time it would take to do so.  Today, I couldn't even pedal a bicycle up the small hill that I live on.  Much of this can be explained by the weight I've put on over the years.  But that's not the only factor.  I never learned how to eat healthy, nor did I develop a taste for "healthy" things to eat.

One of the things I can do to help myself is to get outdoors more often.  Before I took my current job, I had no problem finding time to do this - even in the worst days of the pandemic.  Now, it's much harder for me.  I figure that things will get better once I finally retire for good, as I will both have no excuses not to get out and I will have the time (and energy) to do so when my body is ready to do so.

- - - - - -

In chatting with my brother for a few minutes, he mentioned that an operation he just had is healing nicely.  Hopefully, he'll still be glad that he took care of this when he has to go to work.  In many ways, he's in the same position I'm in - he can't ask a family member for help.  In his case, he'd prefer to ask a friend for help.  In my case, I'd need to ask a friend for help.  This will become more of a problem as we get older, as there will be fewer people around that we can ask for help when we need it.

- - - - - -

I could go on and on about little things.  But I'm not in the mood for regurgitating little things.  So, I'll end this entry here....

Cleaning up the apartment

 

This was the mess in my room from a couple of weeks ago.  When I started off the day, my bedroom still resembled this look, but with mess on the floor as well.  Today, I have cleaned up much of the mess on the floor, gotten everything in the closet that needs to be in there, loaded up a couple of donation bags for charity, and still have a lot to take care of.

- - - - - -

The process of apartment degradation began before the pandemic and accelerated once my cleaning lady stopped coming on a monthly basis due to the pandemic.  I never realized how bad it became until I started to face the enormous task of cleaning it up.  Every time I started to make headway, I lacked the energy to keep the process moving.  This, in part, was because I had to deal with having the energy to go to a job that is an energy suck.  It also was because I had little incentive to get the place "clean" until now.

I now have a deadline of next weekend to get this place clean enough for RQS to come up here.  This has kept me in the apartment all day creating donation bags, filling garbage bags, and doing the basic tasks of organizing things.  When RQS arrives, she knows that she will find a mess.  But she will also get a chance to see my female mode closet and my male mode closet.  Hopefully, she won't get turned off to me after she sees me turn myself into Marian for the day.

So far, I've been able to get some stuff cleaned up in both my bathroom and in my bedroom.  Hopefully, I'll get more done tomorrow, as I want for the rest of the week to be less troublesome and less of an energy suck.  Keep your fingers crossed....

Cancer Sucks!

 

As I was parking in my usual parking spot, I saw a neighbor walking with a cane.  Normally, he's in the best of health and able to take on an army without showing any stress.  So what gives?  Since he was having trouble getting out of his friend's car, I couldn't help but ask him "What happened?"  And the answer surprised me - he has lymphoma.  Since I don't want to give out any information which can identify him further, I will say nothing about the type of work he does, save that it requires him to be in the best of health.

- - - - - -

This development explains why his car hasn't moved in days.  Luckily, this form of cancer has a 92% cure rate.  But he is worried.  He wants to make it to retirement age, sell his apartment, and move to where his money can go a lot further than it does here.  While we chatted, he mentioned the board member who had been treated for cancer, then died of Covid-19 at the beginning of the pandemic.  I mentioned that my late wife died of cancer.  But I stopped short of volunteering any help.  There is not much I could do for him, save to drive him back and forth between his apartment and medical appointments.  Given that I have little energy these days, I'd be a lousy person to give him much help.

Obviously, this man has at least one friend nearby that can help him.  TCL and I have the same problem - we don't have the friends who could help us if something like this happened to us.  There is no way that I could call on FCP or an ex-girlfriend for assistance, and I don't think I'd want to even consider them even if we were still friends.  (The ex-girlfriend showed her true colors when we had our kerfuffle, and FCP would use it as a cudgel to get what she wants in one way or another.  It's better that I remember all the help I gave her with getting to hospitals, etc. than to let her say it was a one way deal in my favor.)

I'm rooting for this neighbor.  Hopefully, he'll be one of the 92% who live more than 5 years after diagnosis.

What a fine mess!

 

As I write this, my bedroom is in a state of total chaos.  I've been going through several boxes in which I've dumped stuff over the past two years, and have been tossing things into a garbage bag.  However, this leaves me with a mess that I still must sort through before I can get the place back in order, have my cleaning lady return, and have people over to my apartment.  (Note: I made this mess on top of a linen chest, and hope to have it cleaned off tonight.)

The first year of the pandemic was a horrible one.  Yet, I was able to go to work as Marian for the first time.  The second year was better, as I was able to get out and about, meeting people along the way.  Through dating, I was able to meet a couple of nice people with whom I am still friends.  But depression got the better part of me, as exhibited by my apartment, and it's been taking me a long time to get any traction on cleaning things up.

A quarter of a century ago, one girlfriend helped me clean up the mess that accumulated while my wife was ill.  I can't ask anyone for help with this mess today - and I wouldn't do so if I could.  This is going to be a big project, and one that will take me a long time to finish. I've been trying to do a little bit of cleaning every day.  But, given this image of my mess, you can see that it can be overwhelming.  So I'm trying to take my project management experience and use it at home - break up the work into little pieces, schedule it, and then perform the tasks.

I just wonder - How many more people were like me, and let their residences go to hell during the pandemic....?

I am getting tired of all of this.

 

Who'd have thought 2 years ago that we'd still be feeling the effects of the pandemic on society?  Over the past few months, most of us have been living "normal" lives.  Yet, there have been sporadic shortages which have affected our lives in ways we'd have never expected - such as the lack of computer chips creating a shortage of cars on dealer lots.  Although most people I work with don't fear catching the virus (we're all vaccinated, and the Omicron wave hasn't been as painful as expected), we still cringe if we see people who aren't wearing masks.

In 2020, I felt energized to go to work as Marian.  This year, it's normal - but the work exhausts me.  I still enjoy wearing a dress, and I'm much more comfortable wearing women's trouser like garments than I was in the past.  Yet, I'm likely going to call it an end of a career soon, as I'm simply tired of feeling tired most of the time.  I'll likely be in trousers more often, as I have reasons to spend more time as Mario these days.

Does this mean I'll be giving up my dresses?  Absolutely not!  It means that I again have a life that calls for the presence of Mario.  I have not changed.  My circumstances have changed.  And this will mean that my scheduling of Marian and Mario time will get more complicated, as I will be doing more switching back and forth between the genders, as I did years ago.

So what am I tired of?  It's not of being Marian.  I'm much more comfortable as Marian than I am as Mario.  But that doesn't mean I'm uncomfortable as Mario.  I'm simply tired of all the other energy sucking factors in my life that make it hard to enjoy the place in life I've worked hard to achieve.

I never thought I'd be feeling this way many years ago.  Is this what being old is all about?

Covid and how it impacted society

 

The other night, I met a friend who told me about how things are going at her job.  Although everything is OK on the surface, there is more going on than anyone would want to admit.  And this got me thinking....

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As of the time I'm writing this entry, we're about 2 years into the pandemic. Although the worst of the pandemic related disruptions are behind us, the ripple effects continue to this day. At the beginning, the government was sponsoring PPP loans to keep people "employed" when there was no economic need for  businesses to employ them. If a business took out this type of loan, it had to meet some strict requirements and then apply for PPP forgiveness of the loan later on.  One problem - no one knew how long the pandemic would last, and many small businesses couldn't afford the risk that they would be able to employ these employees at the end of the loan's term. (This is how I remember things, small business owners may be able to better clarify things here.)  America's "unlivable wage" structure combined with Federal Unemployment Insurance subsidies made it a better deal for many small business employees to leave the workforce and take the time off to develop skills for better paying jobs. In the case of one business I'm acquainted with, the business owner had to lay off it's one employee. The owner of the business was doing double duty for 18 months while the "ex" employee was taking advantage of government largesse - and I can't blame the employee for doing so.  Yet, more people needed this money than not, as they had no jobs to go to (think of restaurant staff) and no way to get new ones.  It made sense for these people to develop skills for new jobs with better wages and more stability.

Over time, things evolved into a "new normal".  Most of us got used to wearing masks in public spaces. Most of us got used to social distancing.  And most of us got used to the safety protocols needed to help slow down the spread of the pandemic.  Many businesses started opening up again, albeit in new ways. Restaurants developed new take-out models, and employed some of their former wait staff as kitchen employees for the duration.  Others created outdoor dining spaces. And still others were allowed to operate indoor facilities with reduced capacity. Yet, many cherished places continued to close, as they could not get enough business to pay their bills.

Eventually, the needed vaccines were developed, and things changed for the better.  Once enough people became vaccinated, we continued our evolution to a "new normal". Many businesses that had shut down due to the pandemic reopened.  In my case, I took my first cruise in 2 years at Christmastime. Yet, I noticed that things were different.  Fewer people were on my cruise than I expected. And this is typical - many people are still afraid of catching the virus, even though they have been vaccinated.  (I can't blame them, as I lost my dad to the virus in the early days of the pandemic.) Yet, with the symptoms of the virus in the vaccinated being much less severe than in the unvaccinated, I see the risks and severity of getting sick as that of catching a non-Covid flu.  Many of us are tired of having to think of the virus, and are finding ways to live our lives again.

And this sets the stage for the continuing ripples of the pandemic.  The friend who discussed her job with me noted that her boss was not in the best financial state.  Year to year holiday sales were still down, as many of his customers were not gathering in large numbers anymore. He was surviving, but slowly hemorrhaging money - especially, as he bought out his former partner just before the pandemic struck. The owner enjoys running his business, but his Covid-19 depressed financials may force him to close the business and put my friend out of work.  Many small businesses are hurting, as they can not generate the revenue to pay workers, or to pay workers enough to stay on their jobs.  Increased demand for workers have caused people to jump to better paying and more secure jobs.  They have learned their lessons from the early days of the pandemic, and do not want to be at risk again from a next pandemic.

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As for me, I've noticed that when I pass through Grand Central Terminal, that many dining venues have closed. Not only do people want to avoid eating at the terminal due to the virus, but people have no places to sit down and enjoy their food. Until recently, the magazine/newspaper stand at Grand Central wasn't open when I was there.  Not enough people were taking the train into NYC to justify keeping the place open.  But now, things are opening up again, and I am looking forward to an excuse to eat at the Oyster Grill again.

Yet, things have changed quite a bit.  Not only do I have to show that I have been vaxxed and boosted before entering a NYC restaurant, museum, or theater, but I have to pull out government id to prove that the vaccination record is mine. It's a small price to pay for "normalcy" in the new normal.  

There is a point where enough people have been vaccinated in society to allow for a herd immunity. Those of us who have been vaccinated paid the small price to allow this to happen.  But most of the unvaccinated people are freeloaders.  Their selfish interests have made it harder to attain this herd immunity.  And with their insistence that they remain unmasked in places where immuno-compromised people may be only helps to make things worse for all of us.  The new normal has shown us that there are a large number of people who don't give a damn about others - and who will hurt society rather than make small sacrifices to improve it.

I could go on and on.  This post was intended to be a short one discussing my friend's job and how Covid-19 affected it.  But things often change when I start writing an entry....

 

 

It's almost time for me to go - a quick post

 

This is a quick post....

I think it'll soon be time for me to leave my job.  The only question will be if it is on my steam or theirs.  The long and short of it is that my allergy is disruptive.  In a normal age, no one would care.  But in the age of Covid, any sneeze is suspect.

Assuming I leave, it'll be nice to be able to sleep late again.

I just have no energy anymore

 

I have so many things to take care of these days, but I have no energy to do them.  I wonder if it is my not getting enough sleep, or something else.

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Throughout the day, I was doing whatever I could to stay awake.  I was finding that my body wasn't liking the routine of sitting at my workstation for hours at a time.  So, 4:30 didn't come quick enough for me (and the rest of the people at the office). But I was still tired after I got home, and ended up napping a little after cooking a couple of hamburgers for dinner.

While this was going on, I was supposed to call CWS to chat and figure out when the next time was that we could get together.  That didn't happen.  Additionally, FH was pestering about getting together.  She hadn't seen me in a while, and I think she was trying to get a ride for some shopping she wanted to do.  (After making noises a couple of weeks ago about the Omicron variant making NYC too dangerous to visit, she wanted to walk around a mall on Long Island.)  I mentioned Omicron, and suggested just dinner somewhere, or meeting next week.  And she countered with a grocery shopping expedition at Trader Joe's.  She was a little upset that I didn't jump at seeing her, but I needed a day to myself to recharge - and that was my plan for the first day of a weekend.

Dealing with women was not the only thing I had to do.  I still need to call NCL in regard to missing Latitude Point credits.  I still want to contact a woman from OK Cupid who is not a match for me, but who could be a great friend.  (We've chatted before, but cultural issues would make romance impossible.)  Then, I still have tickets to a Darlene Love concert to buy.  None of the many things I wanted to accomplish after work got done.  And I have to deal with Laundry tomorrow.  AARGH!

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Although I can easily switch between Mario and Marian modes these days, I often wish I could stay in Marian mode longer than I do.  But then, I'd never be able to date.  I'm willing to make this compromise in order to have a chance at romance. And, I'm just as willing to split my time in each mode, so that I can have romance.  

The big question is: How much energy do I have left in life?

A visit to the Deli

 

Every morning that I go to work, I have a standing order at a deli I frequent.  It's a simple Bacon & Egg sandwich with a touch of salt and pepper.  And this deli does it well.  So I've never had a complaint about the place, save that its small size cannot handle the volume of customers it receives in the morning rush. However, this post is not about the deli (which is doing everything right).  Instead, it's about one person who came to the deli one day, and how a situation was handled.

As I write this entry, Westchester county expects that people will be masked up in public places.  The deli again has a sign up (since the beginning of Omicron) reminding people that masks are required upon entry to the store. I am usually grabbing a face mask out of my handbag as I approach the front door, and am greeted by staff - all wearing face masks.  Everyone in the place (including police officers from headquarters down the block) are properly masked. So it struck me funny when one woman entered the place.

My first reaction was, "I'll bet that this woman voted for Trump."  She wasn't wearing her mask, and the people behind the counter politely asked her to wear her mask.  This woman took the mask out of her handbag, and held it to her face - a totally useless and worthless gesture, as that would not protect us from virus particles that may come out in her breath.  She continued to hold it there, placing her order, then complaining about needing to wear her mask.  Rather than cause an incident (the policeman having gone back on duty, and no longer on site to help), this woman's order was rushed so that she could be out of the store as quickly as possible.

I am bothered by people who think that they have more rights than others.  There is a selfishness in these people that appalls me.  Getting fully vaccinated and boosted protects me.  But it protects others as well.  And it has been free to me.  Why should it bother me to take 30 minutes out of my life for each of 3 vaccinations, and to wear face masks to prevent the spread of disease?  Young men used to be drafted for military service, and expected to die for their country without enjoying the benefits of living an adult life here.  Is masking up, getting vaxxed and boosted to much to ask of our citizens?  Sadly, for some people, it is too much.  So sad....

One day at a time

 

Right now, it seems as if most intelligent people are participating in a slow motion pandemic shutdown. The roads are less crowded than before I went on my cruise. Businesses are telling their workers that it is OK to work from home for another month or two. And people have again become wary of any activity where they would be in direct or indirect contact with a large number of people.

It seems as if everyone I talk to has come into contact with someone who has been infected by the Omicron variant of Covid-19.  And they are afraid of getting sick - even if fully vaccinated and boosted.  Some vaccinated people have heard horror stories about booster shots going wrong.  Others are sick and tired of the virus, and decided not to bother with the booster.  (My brother is one of these people, and he has gotten infected.  What's worse, he would prefer to get sick than to have been boosted.  Go figure.)  As a result of all this, people are staying home in droves.

This has gotten in my way, as none of the people I might see on weekends are comfortable going to restaurants any longer.  It doesn't help that our local governments are not comfortable instituting capacity limits in public places - they want people to go about their daily business with as few impediments as possible, as they don't want the economy to freeze up again.  So, by not sending a message to be cautious, the people who would be cautious are overcompensating for the lack of informed guidance from our politicians.

As for me, I'm willing to take my chances.  I've been vaccinated and boosted, and am not in the mood to go back to the mindset we had in 2020.  The other day, I chatted with my ex-girlfriend, and she noted that it was almost 2 years ago that everything shut down.  What she didn't recall was that I was trying to get her attention NOT to attend any public events her meetup group was having.  It's amazing that we're seeing similarities in what we're going through now with a time that things were much worse.  It'll be years before people have a "normal" reaction to events - this pandemic has over sensitized people to fearing the risk of illness.  I just wonder what our (great?) grandchildren will be thinking when another pandemic is likely to strike....