Retirement can be the life of some people and the death of others

 

A little under 11 years ago, I was laid off by the bank I worked at for 30 years.  Before this happened, I was in total fear of what would happen next.  Today, I think of this as a great blessing.  Before being laid off, I was worried about what would happen if word of Marian got back to the bank.  Afterwards, I felt free to explore this part of myself and grow as a person.

Being retired has given me the freedom to be my authentic self.  I have traveled as Marian, and I have grown because I've done so.  When my legal identity is not revealed, I am able to call myself Marian, and people accept me as such.  I've found that people accept me more as Marian, in part, because I am more open as my authentic self.  Yes, some people clock me as transgender.  But I am usually treated with respect, as I live in a state which expects that people like me will be treated with respect.

At first, being retired meant that I had an excess of free time.  But this only meant that the ways I use my time and energy would change.  Now, I find that it takes me longer to get many things done, but I am much more relaxed in doing so. My time is no longer ruled by the clock and calendar, instead, it is managed by them.  There will always be events that take place on fixed times and days (such as going to church services), but most tasks can be done at my convenience.  If being employed is like classical music with fixed structures and tempos, then retirement is like jazz, where one has freedom to improvise around a known theme.

But this freedom isn't good for all people.  My former therapist was an alcoholic in recovery who always seemed in control of his life.  The structures he built in sobriety (exercise routines, AA meetings, and client appointments) weren't there in retirement.  As soon as he left his practice in White Plains for retirement in Honolulu, his life fell apart.  Within 5 years, his son was in danger of repeating his father's life, he had divorced his wife, and he finally passed away.  It is no secret that a large number of men tend to die within 3 years of retirement - employment gave these men a structure needed to live as long as they did.

So what do I recommend for people, especially men, for whom retirement is in the near future?  To be direct - social engagement in late middle age is hard for most men, and it is much harder for them to connect with others and befriend them.  This is where women tend to have it much easier - their lives are built around the social glue that keeps society together.  Who tends to take care of babies?  Women.  Who tends to take care of household responsibilities other than physical upkeep of property - Women.  Who tends to dominate the nurturing jobs in society, such as Nurses and Teachers?  Women.  And to do this, they tend to build up networks that most men wish they could do.  When a woman approaches another person (especially other women), sexuality is not part of the equation.  Only when she deliberately sends out signals of interest does sex come in to play.  Men tend to be much more isolated, as their connections are usually built around their careers and not about their families' connections with other families.

For us transgenders, we send out more awkward messages - especially when we first come out.  What women learn over a lifetime of being female, we have to learn in  a crash course in femininity.  So, finding new friends is much harder for us than for cisgender people.  I am lucky that I was laid off from the bank when I was 57, and had time to develop myself into a person ready for full retirement.  Yes, making new friends is still awkward for me.  Yet, at least, I have done so.....  

 

Anger

 

As my therapist taught me, anger is a secondary emotion.  It comes from the need to deal with another feeling which is often unidentified before anger erupts.  (I forgot exactly how he liked to describe it.)  Once a person gets angry, a lot of negative things can happen.

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Like many kids, I had an unhappy childhood.  My mother and grandmother were people who used fear to get their kids to comply with their directives. Both would get mad for reasons that normal children could not understand or deal with in a healthy manner. When my grandmother had a massive stroke, I was happy for a while - one source of terror was almost removed from my life.  The problem was that she became a shell of her former self, needing assistance for everything - including help to get up and being walked to the toilet.  At times, I had to babysit my grandmother when I should have been out playing.  One should not ask this, much demand this of a 7 year old child.  I guess this was one of the many causes of many feelings I had to repress.

At a certain time in my childhood, my parents realized something was wrong and took me to see several psychiatrists. Unfortunately, the DSM-4 (or whatever level it was then) didn't have entries for disorders caused by f**ked up family dynamics.  If they had, maybe I could have had a happier childhood, as I might have learned the skills to deal with many of the problems that come in life.

As I got older, the urge to get married and have children came along.  Knowing that my temper was a severe liability, I did not want to have children.  The risk of harming them as was done to me was too great.  But this also hurt my wife, as neither of us knew how to communicate our feelings to the other.  To this day, I'll never know if she would have wanted children, as we never had this discussion.  I feared letting myself get angry at her, as I felt that the only argument we'd have would destroy the relationship. So, when she became terminally ill, I can't be sure if either of us knew that we loved each other anymore because of our inability to communicate.

It took a while, but I eventually stumbled into an LCSW who taught me many of the skills needed to have a healthy relationship with someone else.  However, he couldn't help me deal with other issues that would cause me grief later on, such as settling for the first person who would put up with me after each loss.  

Just before the pandemic hit, I lost the two closest friends I had.  I need not rehash the reasons here.  But I ended up a better person because of it.  Now, I take a "Let it Slide" attitude to many things, as there are many more important things to be concerned about.  Letting go of anger, both repressed and non-repressed ended up being a good thing, as I can move forward to the future.  My current girlfriend can see when I get frustrated, and she knows that if she gives me a second to process what's going on, that I can stay rational and be the person she cares about.  Again, I am grateful to have her in my life at this time in my life.  But then, I've said this often in this blog....

Sometimes, the less said, the better.

Recently, I had a conversation with someone whom I rarely exchange messages.  I didn't say anything much about this conversation, as I didn't want to bother a third party.  Well, I got the other side of things today by simply saying nothing.

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If I could have learned one thing when younger, it would be better communication skills.  Who knows how far I could have gone, either as Marian or as Mario.  Yet, I feel that much of my recent growth has been because my Marian personality has strengthened Mario as well.

Right now, I feel that I have 20-30 years of life left in me, and I want to make the most out of the active years I have left to me.  To do that, I still need to improve my communication skills, so that what comes out of my mouth will make me more attractive instead of scaring people away.

I will not talk much about today's messages, save that they were very informative.  And I would have not received them if I had opened up my mouth.  Go figure....

Conversations

 

A while back, someone asked me not to mention our conversations.  For the most part, I have complied with this person's request.  Yet, the underlying issues we discussed go unresolved.  Today, I feel that we will sever the last link between us in the near future.  If that happens, I plan to discuss what I've kept under wraps only for courtesy reasons.

But enough of that for now.

One of the reasons I am concerned about conversations with women I've dated is to see if there is a natural give and take between the two parties.  I could never live with someone like TCL, as she runs on at the mouth sometimes, and rarely gives way to let the other person speak.  Women like FH are opinionated, and are not that open minded.  My former cruise partner appeared to be open minded until I screwed up our friendship, and then her true views started to come out.  As much as you can't judge a book by its cover, you can judge the quality of a person by the quality of conversation he/she is able to make.

There are many qualities of conversation.  For example, people feel most comfortable when chat flows easily, and that any "challenge" is within acceptable levels.  For example, guys bantering around talking sports may argue whether Babe Ruth or Willie Mays was the greatest baseball player.  (For the record, I say Babe Ruth is the greatest "all around" ball player, as he could pitch as well as he could hit.  If he stayed a pitcher, he likely would have achieved his place in Cooperstown on his pitching record alone.)  But when a person feels that he/she is out of his/her league, then things get awkward.

Friendly conversation does not come natural to me.  I do not have the social skills which attract many people.  Is it body language, conversation topics, or intensity of conversation?  That I'll likely never know. The one time I mentioned this issue to my former therapist, he dismissed it, focusing on my issues with food.  (He was an alcoholic in recovery, and saw everything life through that one lens.  I knew that there was much more to life than focusing on my food addiction, and was secretly glad when this man retired.) If I could live my life over, I'd have gone into therapy at an early adult age, focused on getting more education, looked for ways to develop my social skills, and looked for mentors to help me in my career growth.

My ex girlfriend's dinner group (the one she fought so hard to keep me out of) consists of a lot of single people.  So far, I've seen 3 of the regulars show up in my dating feeds.  Obviously, we wouldn't be good matches.  It would have been interesting had I been able to go there (in either of my modes) when my ex wasn't in attendance. That's water under the bridge, and I hope she's happy with the results of her campaign.  As for me, I'm living in the present and focusing on having nice chats with people from other groups.  At least in these groups, I've been made to feel welcome.

Will I ever be able to have a conversational style that makes me able to have a good chat with almost anyone?  I doubt it.  But it's a nice goal to have....