Emily Litella (a.k.a. Gilda Radner) was one of the best characters on SNL's Weekend Update. This character's shtick was to rant on something for a while until someone pointed out that she had misunderstood things, and then go "Never Mind." Sometimes, I feel just as lost as Emily, but with no one there to point out when I've gone far off the deep end.
On the way home tonight, I was looking at many of the unforced errors in my life, and realized that I was mostly on my own in making my decisions. My late wife was of little help while she was alive, as I was always bailing her out of her own problems. My parents did the best they could, but they never understood the quality of the raw material I was as a person, nor did they know best how to raise me to be a fully functional adult. I am very surprised at how far I've come in life, and am amazed that I did it with as little help as I got from people. (I was extremely lucky to have the help of the right people at the right times in life. Otherwise, I'd have been an underachiever who would have had no clue how far s/he could have gone.)
Most of us have a simple choice in life, and everything follows from there. Does one want to live in courage? Or, does one want to live in fear? Most people choose fear, and limit themselves to a small part of the lives they could have led. I was once one of these people. Even though I'm at an age where I'm playing out the remaining cards life has dealt me, I'm choosing to live in courage.
My dreams have always been modest. Yes, there was the part of me that would have loved having money and power. But the tradeoffs I would have needed to make without understanding the how or why were never worth it to me. So, I had two dreams: The first one I achieved when young, becoming a successful computer technologist. The second one I achieved in late middle age, being able to go out and about as a female without embarrassment. And that took much more courage, as I had to overcome my fear of the larger society.
Yet, there is a part of me that is envious of someone like Fran, a TG woman who has marched to her own drumbeat for years. She is truly unique. She makes little effort to blend in with cisgender women. Instead, she is the type of person who would stand out in a crowd, no matter what her gender happened to be. No, I don't think I'd be comfortable living as Fran does. But I am envious of someone who can do so....
