April is no fool's joke this year!

 

Normally, I'd like to be pulling an April Fool's prank on my readers.  But this year, it's not a joking matter.  As I write this, the Orange Snowflake has openly stepped over the line, and attempted to take on powers not granted to his office by the constitution.  As of now, we are likely not a land where the rule of law checks and balances the power of a wanna-be authoritarian leader.

Why do I say this?

As I write this entry, the snowflake has claimed the power to revoke ALL of a prior president's pardons. The big question is: what will anyone be able to do about this?  He has already asserted that the right to protest against our government's policies is illegal for legally resident aliens, and may result in deportation.  Yes, I despise what this protester supports.  But he has a right to advocate for a cause if he is legally here.

The snowflake does not care about constitutional limits, as he has the same thirst for power that his authoritarian friends in Russia and North Korea have.  But has he noticed anything about their economies?  Neither is generating maximum wealth for the people or its leaders.  These regimes extract and consume wealth from an economy without generating enough new wealth to replace it.  These regimes will eventually self destruct.  Does the snowflake want to do that to America?

Do we have grounds for hope?

Strangely enough, we still have grounds for hope.  Although GOP leaders know that even MAGAs are against the extreme policies of this administration, they have not cracked under pressure.  But they will. They can't run away from their constituents forever, nor can they ignore the wishes of their big corporate donors.  Businesses do best during stable times, not when things are in flux.  Sadly, things are in a great state of flux today.

Hope can be found in ways to pressure the GOP leadership to change its tune.  Emails, written snail mail, and phone calls can be effective tools in getting one's voice heard.  One needs to know ALL email addresses, snail mail addresses, and phone numbers where one's complaints can be sent - and these people will eventually get the message.

The chilling thought for all authoritarian leaders is that the public can mount a successful revolt against tyranny.  There are more guns than people in America.  Most of these guns are in the "Red States".  And when MAGA people start seeing that the snowflake and GOP have betrayed them, watch out!  I expect that we run the risk of another "French Style" revolution which attacks the elite.  Hopefully, revolt will take place via the ballot box, and not with lead.  But as Fats Waller once said: "One never knows, do one."

I apologize for ranting too much

 

Lately, it seems to me, that I've been complaining about things going on in the world too much.  Yes, Our rights as transgender people are under attack, and our president is "owned" by Russia, and is doing Russia's bidding.  Yet, I am grateful to live in a state where I can come and go as my authentic self, without worry that I will be hassled by any law enforcement authority.

Yet, I've noticed something.  For reasons other than fear, I haven't been getting outside of my place enough and living an authentic life.  Could it be the weather?  (As I write this, it is raining outside.)  Could it be commitments I have that requires me to present as Mario?   (I had to go out as Mario in order to buy a new Mattress and Bed Frame last night.) Could it be anything else? (I did spend part of the day sorting out some of the containers behind my loveseat.) There have been so many things that I needed to do, that I have felt a little overwhelmed and have retreated into my comfort space.

One has to keep one's focus on what's important, so that can take care of the most important things first.  I may not have been doing that.  Yesterday, I worked around the house, possibly to avoid spending the money I knew I'd have to spend on new bedding.  It could be much worse.  My brother is putting in 50-60 hours each week in a job for which should only need 40. He also has to deal with fire department financials, managing the project of bringing the family homestead into a shape where we can raise the rent on the place, and to prepare financials for the house, so that I can get my taxes done.  And, to top it all off, he is flying out west to see my nephew for the weekend.

As you can see, there are other people who are under more stress than I am.  But I expect that we all will start to suffer if the orange snowflake does half the damage to America that he could be doing.  If you find yourself starting to be overwhelmed by fear and worry about the future, just remember these words that are applicable in almost every situation:

 

"This too, shall pass." 

 

The trick will be to keep one's perspective while it passes....

Neither of us wanted to brave the cold.

 

Senator John Blutarsky.  The fictional character had more to say for him than the excuse for a man running this country now.  The current president reeks of corruption, ineptitude, narcissism, and treason; while the future Senator Blutarsky dealt a blow to corruption at his college before moving on to politics. 

But why do I reference a great bit of comedic fiction in today's post?

This weekend, I picked RQS up at the station, had dinner out, and then spent the rest of the weekend (for the most part) relaxing inside.  Although we took a drive on Saturday to pick up ingredients to cook some French Onion Soup (with a slight variant or two from Julia Child's recipe), we stayed comfortably warm inside my apartment.

What does one do when one stays inside?  For the most part, it was watch TV and read books.  I've learned that I have to avoid over-watching the news as of late, as I'm getting sick each time I see President Musk and his lackey, Trump, destroy my nation from within.  I've read the outline of what they're doing in history books, and I don't like how the story ends up.  So, I've had to remind RQS that we need to watch more videos of people clearing up the mess around abandoned houses.  (We tend to enjoy videos from Midlife Stockman, as they tend to be the most relaxing.)  

Sunday came, and I could have gone to church.  I was conscious early enough to have done so.  Instead, I decided to drift back to sleep for another 3 hours.  By the time noon came, we had a decision to make.  Do we go outside in the cold, or do I make the warm, filling and tasty onion soup.  The soup won out, of course.  So, I sliced up 6 onions, then cooked them in my new Dutch Oven.  (I bought a cheap one, just for the onion soup.  If I like cooking with one, I may buy one of a better quality later on.)  Although I burnt some of the onions while cooking and scraped out the residue before continuing with the preparation, the soup came out OK.  This was the highlight of the weekend - something which allowed us to relax, and not fall prey to the fear the snowflake wants us to feel.

Why do I mention fear?

Supposedly, the snowflake has been intimidating GOP congressmen and senators with death threats.  (This was reported in a YouTube video, where one Democratic congressperson mentioned this to their constituents.)  If this is true, and I have no evidence of this, it's another step towards authoritarianism.  We have to counter this by first remembering FDR's great words (from another context): "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."  By refusing to surrender any of our rights, and having others do the same, we can defeat this monster.  If not, we might as well remember the fictional Rick Blaine's dilemma in regard to the "Letters of Transit", and make appropriate choices.

Why are some people afraid and repulsed by Transgenders?

 

Why are some people afraid and repulsed by Transgender folk?

 

The above question is something that has been on my mind as of late.  Could it be religion?  Could it be a lack of a strong definition of self identity?  Could it be fear of what others might think of us and do to us?  There are so many reasons, but I think it goes back to the urge to reproduce.

Reproduction is a major effort for most species.  In primate species, the male has it easy - impregnate the female and the absolute need for his existence has ended.  However for the female, her body undergoes changes to accommodate the dependent life within her and eventually expels that life.  But the female's role is not over, as she usually has to take care of her offspring until they are ready to reproduce themselves. In our species, we have evolved to have our males contribute to the effort of raising our offspring, providing an evolutionary protection the premature loss of a parent. (This will vary between cultures.)  I'll admit that this is an oversimplification of something all of us know all too well.  But I think it's the fear of wasting our chances to reproduce that is the root of the fear of transgender people.

The fear of transgenders comes from something people fear: we can break out of virtually all socially assigned roles if we want.  Gender is the first thing people ask about when a baby is born.  A humorous example of this is a joke from the movie Addams Family Values:

Family Members: "What is it?"

Gomez Addams: "It's an Addams!"

The beauty of this line is that the answer is perfectly correct.  But it is not what the questioner wanted to know.  

I believe that sexual preference, sexual identity, and external sexual characteristics are all forms of intersex conditions that are baked into the person while in the womb.  "Normally," the vast majority of people are born as, identify as, and prefer the genders which society would assign at birth.  Statistics show that the lesbian and gay population may be somewhere between 3%-5% of the population. Transgender adults are about 0.5% of the population, and the rest of intersex people are about 0.05% of the population.  Given that most people never have their genes analyzed, they never know whether they are among those who have male external genitalia but have XX chromosomes, or among those who have female genitalia but have XY chromosomes.  Let's not get into all of the potential intersex conditions here.  Simply put, science conflicts with cultural norms, and we're in the middle of a culture war against our will.

The recent edict from the Orange Snowflake looks to deny our existence.  Hopefully, most of my transgender readers have been able to file paperwork for federal government IDs long before the snowflake shut things down for most of us. But this is not just a problem that affects transgender people.  For example, I knew a cisgender female who was mistakenly identified as a male on a Tennessee driver's license.  If she had to fix this problem today, the snowflake's edict would make this impossible.

But what should one do if one is young and pre-op transgender?  My first recommendation would only work if one lived in a state which allows gender markers to be changed AND allows for amended birth certificates.  DO NOT GET FEDERAL ID UNTIL YOU HAVE CHANGED GENDER MARKERS ON ALL STATE IDS ON FILE.  For example, If you live in California, do not travel on aircraft, or travel outside the US until you have your gender marker updated on all documents you may need to file with the Feds.  If this can't be done in your state, get your name changed to one acceptable for males and females, then dress and present androgynously when applying for federal id. This way, you will likely be ignored (as you would want) when going through TSA checkpoints. But most important of all - don't be flashy.  Just blend in as much as possible until this reign of terror is over.

There is too much information on me that is available to the public.  Therefore, I can't go into hiding.  Instead, I can go stealth on my way out of the country.  Others don't have it this lucky, and might as well lead protests as long is prudent.  Remember, our borders will be protected against intrusions, and not against people leaving - for now.   

What happens when you can't leave for whatever reason?  What can you do?  As I see it, one will need to migrate to areas of the country where one can blend in with a crowd.  People in Northeastern and West Coast large cities tend to be more tolerant of people of different styles, as these regions have been hot spots for immigration for generations.  They have attracted the risk takers, people who are willing to live completely different lives than their pasts would ordain for them.  Yet, one will always need to be on the lookout for others who would cause them harm.  

I can't understand the hatred of transgenders anymore, as I have learned to accept people who are very different than I am as long as we both interact with each other respectfully and with compassion.  The other day, I heard Warren Buffett tell a story about people who survived the Holocaust.  He noted that his judgement of people is based on whether they would hide someone from being scooped up in a pogrom and be sent to their deaths.  A truly wealthy person would have many friends who would help him/her hide from danger.  Build up those friendships now, as you may need them in the future.

 

It would have been my late wife's 70th birthday today

 

Above is a photo of my late wife.  She was a wonderful woman, but not without her flaws. She, like the building she was in, is long gone.  But why am I mentioning this here today?

- - - - - -

I've been widowed more than twice as long as I was married.  Little things such as the color of her eyes have become hard to remember.  Only other little things remain, such as she said the word "Nasty".  And yet, she has always remained a presence in my life - if only as a memory that connects me to being a young, immature adult.

My wife knew that I enjoyed wearing women's clothing.  But I never would dare going outside in such things.  She tolerated me more than anything else.  Yet, I wonder what she would think had she survived her cancer and lived to this day.  Would we have gotten divorced over this, or for other reasons.  (If so, it would likely be our lack of communications skills, and for resentments that built themselves up over time.)  Would she have embraced me, and encouraged me to become the trans woman I became?  (This is less likely, given that we would be Baby Boomers with all the prejudices absorbed during that era.)  Would I have been satisfied with her after another 10+ years?  Would the love still be there after all we would have gone through?  There are so many questions that can't be answered, as that time line never came to be.

Losing my wife at the age of 39 did one hell of a number on me.  It made me afraid of not having someone to cling to when times got rough.  Yet, I didn't have the emotional age to supply that support to others.  After she died, I ended up in a string of relationships over the next 25 years before finding my current partner.  Will we stand the test of time?  I don't know.  But we have gotten off to a good start.

- - - - - -

Being trans puts a crimp into finding romantic partners.  Aging puts a crimp into finding new friends. As an older trans person, I understand why many older trans people can get quite depressed - I've been a victim of depression myself.  Yet, I make the choice every day - do I get up and live, or do I give in to depression?  So far, I choose to live.

If my wife had lived, we'd likely have become poor parents.  Since she couldn't bear children, we'd have had to adopt a child.  But then, we'd have to move to a bigger place that we couldn't afford on my salary.  Could I have done better in my career and progressed further (with appropriate pay increases)? I'm not so sure, as I didn't have the emotional maturity to deal with a wide range of people.  So, I consider it lucky that we didn't have kids, as I don't think I'd have been able to raise them on my own.

- - - - - -

At this time of year, I often look backwards and examine where I have been and how I could have done better in life.  Recently, I realized something from childhood that I don't like - I used to look for the simple, brute force solution for problems.  It took me many years to look for subtle solutions to more complex problems.  Too bad that I didn't have this kind of insight earlier in life.

Yet, as I said in earlier posts, I now try to take life one day at a time.  I am concerned about the chaos our next president may bring.  But it is not triggering paralyzing fear, as it is now doing in many on the left.  There is a clarity I have now that I wouldn't have had a decade ago.  Is it because I've gained some wisdom?  Or, am I taking advantage of depression, and living life without a guarantee of a brighter tomorrow?  Who knows?  This doesn't mean that I can't get worked up when thinking about the possible chaos.  It only means that I'm choosing to maintain a healthy emotional distance from the potential chaos and not getting sucked into intense feelings when not needed.

As a trans person, I am concerned about what will happen over the next few years.  But, having lost a spouse, I have a better perspective on life.  She needed to be with someone with a cooler head than she had, and I now need to stay cool while chaos is all around.  And as long as I can, I'll try to keep posting here while I have something to say about the world we live in.

Going to RQS's place to drop off luggage for our trip.

Since we will be leaving for our cruise next week, I decided to bring my luggage to RQS's place so that I don't have to handle two rolling bags, a CPAP machine and a small backpack on the subway the day before our trip.  And this is where my apprehension kicked in - I am a little nervous about flying overseas and going through customs in a foreign land.  To make things a little worse, I fear losing my travel documents (and other important things) while overseas.  Yes, I am a little out of my comfort zone.  But it takes a willingness to leave one's comfort zone in order to grow.

I called a cab to take me to the train station, then headed down to Manhattan on a local.  (I prefer express trains, but I didn't want to wait the extra 20 minutes and arrive within 5 minutes of the first train.) And then it was a descent into the bowels of the NYC Subway.  The MTA says that Union Square is an "accessible" subway station, but it is not so if you are traveling on one of the numbered lines (4, 5, & 6). There was no way that I was going to hump a 50+ lb. suitcase up a flight and a half of stairs to make a connection there.  So I made my transfer at Bleeker street.  I'm not sure if this was a mistake, as I ended up standing for my entire trip to Queens.  Luckily, the bus arrived within 5 minutes, and I was able to make to RQS's within 2 1/2 hours of leaving home.

Shortly after I got there, we went out to eat.  This was one day that I wish I had been able to do out as Marian, as it was a perfect day to wear a nice dress.  When we got home, RQS joked (but was half serious) that we're getting to the point where she's comfortable seeing me in a dress all the time.  Wow! Who'd have thought this 2 1/2 years ago?!?!

- - - - - -

The next day, we decided to go into Manhattan to see a play at the Irish Repertory Theater.  But first, we had to go to the bus stop.  On the way there, we saw a resident of this apartment building putting this sign up as a protest against the building's owners.  (There was a commotion at this building that made the news from what RQS said, and that the 2 owners come from an insular section of Williamsburg, Brooklyn where ethnic bonds are very tight.)  RQS is grateful that she has a harmonious relationship with her landlord, even though he lives at least 2 hours away from her.  But I digress....

Molly Sweeney is a 3 person play about a blind woman, her husband, and the doctor who allows her to see for the first time since she was 18 months old.  The actors were fantastic, and the play was moving.  It is tragic, as giving this woman sight ended up removing her from the world in which see without the benefit of eyesight.

After the play, we stopped into the above hot dog joint for a bite to eat before returning home.  While there, a bum started hassling the owner, demanding food and creating a nuisance of himself.  It got so bad, that the owner had to chase the bum away by swinging a 2" x 4" at the bum.   When the bum was gone for a while, the owner noted that the police don't bother coming to chase these people away anymore.  Store owners in the area are helpless, and have to defend themselves against these crazies who return on a daily basis.  A few minutes later, the bum returned and started hassling a lady.  Luckily, the bum stopped bothering her.  But if he had laid a finger on RQS (or myself), I would have slammed him to the ground, stomped on his balls, then make sure that he needed medical help before calmly walking away from the scene.

- - - - - -

The next day, it was time to go home.  In one sense, the return home was uneventful save for 2 things: 

• I made the mistake of going to White Castle and ordering the wrong food.
• My belt buckle broke, which rendered the belt useless. 

Why do I mention White Castle?  Well, I have loved "Belly Bombers" since I was young.  And this outlet was at the transfer point between bus and subway, a very convenient spot for me to indulge in a guilty pleasure.  However, Puerto Rican day was being celebrated a block away from the Castle, and several young children were getting in the way of the soda machine - which had run out of the syrups for the choices I'd like to have made.  The distraction of children near the order window caused me to order the wrong thing - 2 chicken sliders instead of the 4 burgers I usually get.  I also ordered clam strips - another mistake, since they were overdone and had no flavor.  (I should have gone to the local Mickey D's a block away.)  On the way out, I noticed that my pants were a little loose and found that the reversible buckle had broken.  Since I couldn't fix it, I had to toss it and go home with loose pants.  It would have been another perfect day to be out as Marian - especially if I could have been wearing a dress.  But I'll have to save that for tomorrow.

We are under attack!

 

Now that the GOP has lost its war against Homosexuals and "Gay Marriage", they have turned their sights directly onto us, the Transgender Community.  If one looks carefully at the bills that have been passed which ban gender related treatment, we see an underlying hatred for things "Conservatives" don't understand, are fearful of, and want to rid the world of because of that fear.

I see homosexuality and being transgender as part of a greater intersex spectrum, something that happens when one part of a fetus's development (brain and body) does not happen according to typical gender lines. This is different from many people see intersex, as I include the wiring of the brain as part of the definition of intersex.

When people are not able to classify something into something they can understand and manage, their fears go out of control.  Rationality is lost, as primeval instincts kick in.  When people live under constant threat due to their inability to escape poverty, they turn to bombastic populist leaders. When people remember "the good old days" without seeing how bad they were for others, they want simple answers to complicated problems.  We now see all of these issues and more in the people who support the radicals in today's GOP.

We are under attack.  There are a large number of places in this country where I am afraid to travel as Marian because of being transgender.  My rights to be treated with dignity and respect are being taken away by the likes of the governors of Florida and Texas, all for political gain.  The people of their states (and other "Red States" as well) need scapegoats to punish for their misfortune.  Even though I blend in well with cisgender women, I would not feel safe in entering a public washroom in these states.  If I were to enter a place of public accommodation, I could be discriminated against without reason.  And, if I were to deal with law enforcement authorities, I could be treated in a way that puts my life at risk.  Is this right?

There is a culture war going on right now, and large swaths of the population who have retreated into political tribalism. There are large areas of this nation which are one party states.  In the past, even the dominant party in these states could reasonably be expected to be voted out if it didn't do a good enough job for their states.  This is not the case anymore.  People such as Florida's governor are trying to ban the opposition political party for actions many of its leaders took over 160 years ago. This is not democracy in action.  This is an authoritarian government in waiting that is trying to do this.

I'm not sure of what we can do next.  Strangely enough, I would take (the lunatic) Marjorie Taylor Greene's suggestion that we have a Red and Blue State divorce, and run with it a little. I'd suggest something a little bit more dangerous to the Red States: a requirement that the US Federal Government spend no more than 5% more or less in every state than it collects in tax revenue.  Since the Blue States contribute more to the government in tax revenues than they receive, this would be a net benefit to these states.  We could also set a federal minimum level for social spending in every state as a requirement for new federal projects to be placed in the Red States.  This would slow down the "Brain Drain" from Blue to Red states, caused by the poor education standards (as a whole) in those states. 

In my opinion, what we're seeing are the things that happen when there is a great difference in living standards between the rich and poor in a society.  Like the people of Brazil, America's people fell out of love with democracy and elected a bombastic and ineffective leader as it moved to the right, and then moved to the left as a backlash against the right.  Until we can force government to do its job, people at the margins of society are at great risk, as we are the pawns in a larger game of power.  

So what can we do to change things?  As a species, we do not like rapid or radical change. Progress can only come slowly.  In the case of politics, our leaders are in a continual battle to be reelected, so that they can gain power.  Not solving  problems is their best way to have things to rally against, and get votes.  As the parties become more extreme, the more likely one will pick a minority group (Jews, Muslims, Homosexuals, Transgenders, Political Opponents, etc.) as demons to obliterate.  But the question remains: How do we enact simple, long term changes to fix this?  To me, the answer is amazingly simple - term limits for all politicians.  Years ago, a friend told me that death gives meaning to life.  Without death, we'd have no reason to finish anything.  The same goes for elected leadership.  If a leader knows that s/he has only a limited amount of time to achieve anything, they will focus on getting important things done.  By that subtle change alone, there will be no need for scapegoats, as politicians would only be judged by what they supported, and not what they opposed.

Yes, I am proposing a subtle change to nudge the system in a way that benefits us.  This prevents the opposition from labeling this in a derogatory fashion.  And, if we were to "grandfather" all currently serving officeholders from these same term limits, we might get the support needed to make an important change in the system whose effect could be seen in a single generation.

What do you think? 

I'm afraid of being noticed for what I'm not.

 

RQS knows that I'm a little nervous about my future trip to Hawaii, as I will be flying as Marian for the first time.  This doesn't mean that I will travel as Mario.  Instead, it means that I will be aware that I may trigger alerts whenever I go through a security checkpoint and that I will need to figure out a way to keep my beard stubble under control whenever I interact with "civilians".

- - - - - -

Traveling as Marian to Hawaii doesn't mean that I'll be taking my first cruise with RQS as Marian.  For this cruise, I'll be traveling as Mario.  But, we haven't booked our cruise yet.  On Friday, I finally got up the nerve to talk to my boss about taking unpaid time off to take a trip. My boss said that this shouldn't be a problem - I should just give her the details and she should be able to take care of things.  I guess that I'm simply afraid of being seen as a troublemaker, and that's the root of my nervousness.

When I worked for the bank, I knew that I (once) had a high value to the organization and that I could usually name my terms regarding time off.  Now that I'm working as a grunt, it's hard to think about having much freedom until I retire.  Luckily, I will be forced to submit my resignation 2 weeks before my Hawaii cruise, and that I will feel good after having done so.

It's always something, isn't it?

 

Emily Litella (a.k.a. Gilda Radner) was one of the best characters on SNL's Weekend Update.  This character's shtick was to rant on something for a while until someone pointed out that she had misunderstood things, and then go "Never Mind."  Sometimes, I feel just as lost as Emily, but with no one there to point out when I've gone far off the deep end.

On the way home tonight, I was looking at many of the unforced errors in my life, and realized that I was mostly on my own in making my decisions.  My late wife was of little help while she was alive, as I was always bailing her out of her own problems.  My parents did the best they could, but they never understood the quality of the raw material I was as a person, nor did they know best how to raise me to be a fully functional adult.  I am very surprised at how far I've come in life, and am amazed that I did it with as little help as I got from people.  (I was extremely lucky to have the help of the right people at the right times in life.  Otherwise, I'd have been an underachiever who would have had no clue how far s/he could have gone.)

Most of us have a simple choice in life, and everything follows from there. Does one want to live in courage? Or, does one want to live in fear?  Most people choose fear, and limit themselves to a small part of the lives they could have led.  I was once one of these people.  Even though I'm at an age where I'm playing out the remaining cards life has dealt me, I'm choosing to live in courage.  

My dreams have always been modest.  Yes, there was the part of me that would have loved having money and power.  But the tradeoffs I would have needed to make without understanding the how or why were never worth it to me.  So, I had two dreams: The first one I achieved when young, becoming a successful computer technologist.  The second one I achieved in late middle age, being able to go out and about as a female without embarrassment.  And that took much more courage, as I had to overcome my fear of the larger society.

Yet, there is a part of me that is envious of someone like Fran, a TG woman who has marched to her own drumbeat for years.  She is truly unique.  She makes little effort to blend in with cisgender women. Instead, she is the type of person who would stand out in a crowd, no matter what her gender happened to be.  No, I don't think I'd be comfortable living as Fran does.  But I am envious of someone who can do so....