It would have been my late wife's 70th birthday today

 

Above is a photo of my late wife.  She was a wonderful woman, but not without her flaws. She, like the building she was in, is long gone.  But why am I mentioning this here today?

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I've been widowed more than twice as long as I was married.  Little things such as the color of her eyes have become hard to remember.  Only other little things remain, such as she said the word "Nasty".  And yet, she has always remained a presence in my life - if only as a memory that connects me to being a young, immature adult.

My wife knew that I enjoyed wearing women's clothing.  But I never would dare going outside in such things.  She tolerated me more than anything else.  Yet, I wonder what she would think had she survived her cancer and lived to this day.  Would we have gotten divorced over this, or for other reasons.  (If so, it would likely be our lack of communications skills, and for resentments that built themselves up over time.)  Would she have embraced me, and encouraged me to become the trans woman I became?  (This is less likely, given that we would be Baby Boomers with all the prejudices absorbed during that era.)  Would I have been satisfied with her after another 10+ years?  Would the love still be there after all we would have gone through?  There are so many questions that can't be answered, as that time line never came to be.

Losing my wife at the age of 39 did one hell of a number on me.  It made me afraid of not having someone to cling to when times got rough.  Yet, I didn't have the emotional age to supply that support to others.  After she died, I ended up in a string of relationships over the next 25 years before finding my current partner.  Will we stand the test of time?  I don't know.  But we have gotten off to a good start.

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Being trans puts a crimp into finding romantic partners.  Aging puts a crimp into finding new friends. As an older trans person, I understand why many older trans people can get quite depressed - I've been a victim of depression myself.  Yet, I make the choice every day - do I get up and live, or do I give in to depression?  So far, I choose to live.

If my wife had lived, we'd likely have become poor parents.  Since she couldn't bear children, we'd have had to adopt a child.  But then, we'd have to move to a bigger place that we couldn't afford on my salary.  Could I have done better in my career and progressed further (with appropriate pay increases)? I'm not so sure, as I didn't have the emotional maturity to deal with a wide range of people.  So, I consider it lucky that we didn't have kids, as I don't think I'd have been able to raise them on my own.

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At this time of year, I often look backwards and examine where I have been and how I could have done better in life.  Recently, I realized something from childhood that I don't like - I used to look for the simple, brute force solution for problems.  It took me many years to look for subtle solutions to more complex problems.  Too bad that I didn't have this kind of insight earlier in life.

Yet, as I said in earlier posts, I now try to take life one day at a time.  I am concerned about the chaos our next president may bring.  But it is not triggering paralyzing fear, as it is now doing in many on the left.  There is a clarity I have now that I wouldn't have had a decade ago.  Is it because I've gained some wisdom?  Or, am I taking advantage of depression, and living life without a guarantee of a brighter tomorrow?  Who knows?  This doesn't mean that I can't get worked up when thinking about the possible chaos.  It only means that I'm choosing to maintain a healthy emotional distance from the potential chaos and not getting sucked into intense feelings when not needed.

As a trans person, I am concerned about what will happen over the next few years.  But, having lost a spouse, I have a better perspective on life.  She needed to be with someone with a cooler head than she had, and I now need to stay cool while chaos is all around.  And as long as I can, I'll try to keep posting here while I have something to say about the world we live in.

Going to RQS's place to drop off luggage for our trip.

Since we will be leaving for our cruise next week, I decided to bring my luggage to RQS's place so that I don't have to handle two rolling bags, a CPAP machine and a small backpack on the subway the day before our trip.  And this is where my apprehension kicked in - I am a little nervous about flying overseas and going through customs in a foreign land.  To make things a little worse, I fear losing my travel documents (and other important things) while overseas.  Yes, I am a little out of my comfort zone.  But it takes a willingness to leave one's comfort zone in order to grow.

I called a cab to take me to the train station, then headed down to Manhattan on a local.  (I prefer express trains, but I didn't want to wait the extra 20 minutes and arrive within 5 minutes of the first train.) And then it was a descent into the bowels of the NYC Subway.  The MTA says that Union Square is an "accessible" subway station, but it is not so if you are traveling on one of the numbered lines (4, 5, & 6). There was no way that I was going to hump a 50+ lb. suitcase up a flight and a half of stairs to make a connection there.  So I made my transfer at Bleeker street.  I'm not sure if this was a mistake, as I ended up standing for my entire trip to Queens.  Luckily, the bus arrived within 5 minutes, and I was able to make to RQS's within 2 1/2 hours of leaving home.

Shortly after I got there, we went out to eat.  This was one day that I wish I had been able to do out as Marian, as it was a perfect day to wear a nice dress.  When we got home, RQS joked (but was half serious) that we're getting to the point where she's comfortable seeing me in a dress all the time.  Wow! Who'd have thought this 2 1/2 years ago?!?!

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The next day, we decided to go into Manhattan to see a play at the Irish Repertory Theater.  But first, we had to go to the bus stop.  On the way there, we saw a resident of this apartment building putting this sign up as a protest against the building's owners.  (There was a commotion at this building that made the news from what RQS said, and that the 2 owners come from an insular section of Williamsburg, Brooklyn where ethnic bonds are very tight.)  RQS is grateful that she has a harmonious relationship with her landlord, even though he lives at least 2 hours away from her.  But I digress....

Molly Sweeney is a 3 person play about a blind woman, her husband, and the doctor who allows her to see for the first time since she was 18 months old.  The actors were fantastic, and the play was moving.  It is tragic, as giving this woman sight ended up removing her from the world in which see without the benefit of eyesight.

After the play, we stopped into the above hot dog joint for a bite to eat before returning home.  While there, a bum started hassling the owner, demanding food and creating a nuisance of himself.  It got so bad, that the owner had to chase the bum away by swinging a 2" x 4" at the bum.   When the bum was gone for a while, the owner noted that the police don't bother coming to chase these people away anymore.  Store owners in the area are helpless, and have to defend themselves against these crazies who return on a daily basis.  A few minutes later, the bum returned and started hassling a lady.  Luckily, the bum stopped bothering her.  But if he had laid a finger on RQS (or myself), I would have slammed him to the ground, stomped on his balls, then make sure that he needed medical help before calmly walking away from the scene.

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The next day, it was time to go home.  In one sense, the return home was uneventful save for 2 things: 

• I made the mistake of going to White Castle and ordering the wrong food.
• My belt buckle broke, which rendered the belt useless. 

Why do I mention White Castle?  Well, I have loved "Belly Bombers" since I was young.  And this outlet was at the transfer point between bus and subway, a very convenient spot for me to indulge in a guilty pleasure.  However, Puerto Rican day was being celebrated a block away from the Castle, and several young children were getting in the way of the soda machine - which had run out of the syrups for the choices I'd like to have made.  The distraction of children near the order window caused me to order the wrong thing - 2 chicken sliders instead of the 4 burgers I usually get.  I also ordered clam strips - another mistake, since they were overdone and had no flavor.  (I should have gone to the local Mickey D's a block away.)  On the way out, I noticed that my pants were a little loose and found that the reversible buckle had broken.  Since I couldn't fix it, I had to toss it and go home with loose pants.  It would have been another perfect day to be out as Marian - especially if I could have been wearing a dress.  But I'll have to save that for tomorrow.

We are under attack!

 

Now that the GOP has lost its war against Homosexuals and "Gay Marriage", they have turned their sights directly onto us, the Transgender Community.  If one looks carefully at the bills that have been passed which ban gender related treatment, we see an underlying hatred for things "Conservatives" don't understand, are fearful of, and want to rid the world of because of that fear.

I see homosexuality and being transgender as part of a greater intersex spectrum, something that happens when one part of a fetus's development (brain and body) does not happen according to typical gender lines. This is different from many people see intersex, as I include the wiring of the brain as part of the definition of intersex.

When people are not able to classify something into something they can understand and manage, their fears go out of control.  Rationality is lost, as primeval instincts kick in.  When people live under constant threat due to their inability to escape poverty, they turn to bombastic populist leaders. When people remember "the good old days" without seeing how bad they were for others, they want simple answers to complicated problems.  We now see all of these issues and more in the people who support the radicals in today's GOP.

We are under attack.  There are a large number of places in this country where I am afraid to travel as Marian because of being transgender.  My rights to be treated with dignity and respect are being taken away by the likes of the governors of Florida and Texas, all for political gain.  The people of their states (and other "Red States" as well) need scapegoats to punish for their misfortune.  Even though I blend in well with cisgender women, I would not feel safe in entering a public washroom in these states.  If I were to enter a place of public accommodation, I could be discriminated against without reason.  And, if I were to deal with law enforcement authorities, I could be treated in a way that puts my life at risk.  Is this right?

There is a culture war going on right now, and large swaths of the population who have retreated into political tribalism. There are large areas of this nation which are one party states.  In the past, even the dominant party in these states could reasonably be expected to be voted out if it didn't do a good enough job for their states.  This is not the case anymore.  People such as Florida's governor are trying to ban the opposition political party for actions many of its leaders took over 160 years ago. This is not democracy in action.  This is an authoritarian government in waiting that is trying to do this.

I'm not sure of what we can do next.  Strangely enough, I would take (the lunatic) Marjorie Taylor Greene's suggestion that we have a Red and Blue State divorce, and run with it a little. I'd suggest something a little bit more dangerous to the Red States: a requirement that the US Federal Government spend no more than 5% more or less in every state than it collects in tax revenue.  Since the Blue States contribute more to the government in tax revenues than they receive, this would be a net benefit to these states.  We could also set a federal minimum level for social spending in every state as a requirement for new federal projects to be placed in the Red States.  This would slow down the "Brain Drain" from Blue to Red states, caused by the poor education standards (as a whole) in those states. 

In my opinion, what we're seeing are the things that happen when there is a great difference in living standards between the rich and poor in a society.  Like the people of Brazil, America's people fell out of love with democracy and elected a bombastic and ineffective leader as it moved to the right, and then moved to the left as a backlash against the right.  Until we can force government to do its job, people at the margins of society are at great risk, as we are the pawns in a larger game of power.  

So what can we do to change things?  As a species, we do not like rapid or radical change. Progress can only come slowly.  In the case of politics, our leaders are in a continual battle to be reelected, so that they can gain power.  Not solving  problems is their best way to have things to rally against, and get votes.  As the parties become more extreme, the more likely one will pick a minority group (Jews, Muslims, Homosexuals, Transgenders, Political Opponents, etc.) as demons to obliterate.  But the question remains: How do we enact simple, long term changes to fix this?  To me, the answer is amazingly simple - term limits for all politicians.  Years ago, a friend told me that death gives meaning to life.  Without death, we'd have no reason to finish anything.  The same goes for elected leadership.  If a leader knows that s/he has only a limited amount of time to achieve anything, they will focus on getting important things done.  By that subtle change alone, there will be no need for scapegoats, as politicians would only be judged by what they supported, and not what they opposed.

Yes, I am proposing a subtle change to nudge the system in a way that benefits us.  This prevents the opposition from labeling this in a derogatory fashion.  And, if we were to "grandfather" all currently serving officeholders from these same term limits, we might get the support needed to make an important change in the system whose effect could be seen in a single generation.

What do you think? 

I'm afraid of being noticed for what I'm not.

 

RQS knows that I'm a little nervous about my future trip to Hawaii, as I will be flying as Marian for the first time.  This doesn't mean that I will travel as Mario.  Instead, it means that I will be aware that I may trigger alerts whenever I go through a security checkpoint and that I will need to figure out a way to keep my beard stubble under control whenever I interact with "civilians".

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Traveling as Marian to Hawaii doesn't mean that I'll be taking my first cruise with RQS as Marian.  For this cruise, I'll be traveling as Mario.  But, we haven't booked our cruise yet.  On Friday, I finally got up the nerve to talk to my boss about taking unpaid time off to take a trip. My boss said that this shouldn't be a problem - I should just give her the details and she should be able to take care of things.  I guess that I'm simply afraid of being seen as a troublemaker, and that's the root of my nervousness.

When I worked for the bank, I knew that I (once) had a high value to the organization and that I could usually name my terms regarding time off.  Now that I'm working as a grunt, it's hard to think about having much freedom until I retire.  Luckily, I will be forced to submit my resignation 2 weeks before my Hawaii cruise, and that I will feel good after having done so.

It's always something, isn't it?

 

Emily Litella (a.k.a. Gilda Radner) was one of the best characters on SNL's Weekend Update.  This character's shtick was to rant on something for a while until someone pointed out that she had misunderstood things, and then go "Never Mind."  Sometimes, I feel just as lost as Emily, but with no one there to point out when I've gone far off the deep end.

On the way home tonight, I was looking at many of the unforced errors in my life, and realized that I was mostly on my own in making my decisions.  My late wife was of little help while she was alive, as I was always bailing her out of her own problems.  My parents did the best they could, but they never understood the quality of the raw material I was as a person, nor did they know best how to raise me to be a fully functional adult.  I am very surprised at how far I've come in life, and am amazed that I did it with as little help as I got from people.  (I was extremely lucky to have the help of the right people at the right times in life.  Otherwise, I'd have been an underachiever who would have had no clue how far s/he could have gone.)

Most of us have a simple choice in life, and everything follows from there. Does one want to live in courage? Or, does one want to live in fear?  Most people choose fear, and limit themselves to a small part of the lives they could have led.  I was once one of these people.  Even though I'm at an age where I'm playing out the remaining cards life has dealt me, I'm choosing to live in courage.  

My dreams have always been modest.  Yes, there was the part of me that would have loved having money and power.  But the tradeoffs I would have needed to make without understanding the how or why were never worth it to me.  So, I had two dreams: The first one I achieved when young, becoming a successful computer technologist.  The second one I achieved in late middle age, being able to go out and about as a female without embarrassment.  And that took much more courage, as I had to overcome my fear of the larger society.

Yet, there is a part of me that is envious of someone like Fran, a TG woman who has marched to her own drumbeat for years.  She is truly unique.  She makes little effort to blend in with cisgender women. Instead, she is the type of person who would stand out in a crowd, no matter what her gender happened to be.  No, I don't think I'd be comfortable living as Fran does.  But I am envious of someone who can do so....