The other day, I went out with a friend from my Thursday night gaming group. If I had met this woman as Mario, I'd have asked her out for a date a long time ago. Even now, I sometimes wonder whether she'd be interested in Mario, knowing that I like to spend as much time as possible as Marian.
This week's hike (a very easy one) was the lake side trail around Teatown Lake. It's hard to believe that the last time I walked around this late was a little over 40 years ago, when I was a "youngster" in college. The group I was in had no problems walking from a nearby retreat house late at night, and doing a 7 mile walk (my guesstimate) without thinking about it. Today, I get a little nervous thinking of doing a 4+ mile walk. And I've shied away from groups that I might have been welcome in, had I taken the chance to make the first move.
Now that the weather is about to get cold, I will miss these chances to be with my friend. We don't talk that much when we are walking, but it's nice to have someone with me to be a catalyst for me to do healthy things with my life. Even if the weather weren't about to get cold, it looks like my friend has finally landed a job. And I am very glad for her.
When things warm up again, I expect that we will be getting together for our walks now and then - unless I am busy with a woman I'm dating. Neither of us like hiking in excessive heat or cold. So I think I'll have a hiking companion for those times I want to go out for a walk as Marian.
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A while back, I read a book called "Moneyball." It explained how the Oakland A's were able to use statistical analysis to figure out how to produce a division championship team by acquiring talent on the cheap, not assuming that certain needed talents had to be possessed by a single ball player. The A's changed how baseball looked at producing winning teams, and it influenced me in how I looked for friendships after breaking up with my ex.
Knowing that I'll never get the bulk of what I want in a relationship from one woman, I decided to fulfill my needs in completely different ways. For example, I used to enjoy regular, if not daily, calls with the ex. Now, I have them with TCL, even though she is only friendship material. I now enjoy going out to dinner with the women I have dated, but do not yet expect that I can share my soul with any one of them so far. (I certainly can't say much about the physical part of a healthy relationship.) None of the pieces in the aggregate yet make up for what I lost. But I think I'm building up something more durable, and more likely to last.
Strangely enough, I think that being Marian is an important part of this rebuild. Even though I expect that I will need to live much of my life as Mario, Marian is an essential part of me. There is a warmth that I could never show people when Mario crowded Marian out. And whoever I end up with will need to accept all of me, for better and worse.
