There are times I think about the failures in my life

 

There are times I think about the failures in my life.  One of those failures was my inability to realize how much I loved my wife before she died, and not to say "I Love You" when she was alive. Another set of failures was related to my relationship with my most recent (ex) girlfriend. I never told her how much I cared for her before we broke up.  Nor did I sense we were growing apart, even though she was signaling just the opposite.  It's been about 6 months since we were last in contact, and she's just a lingering memory of things that shouldn't have been.

Occasionally, a person should ask him/herself - what would I do differently if I could live my life over again?  In my case, I'd have told my wife that I loved her very much, and do it often. When thinking about my ex, I wouldn't have gotten back together with her the first time we broke up, and I would have tried to have the type of friendship that I have with Vicki. I made a lot of mistakes with this lady, and I wish I hadn't spent the better part of 5 years with her in a romantic relationship, when we would have been better off as close friends..

But I don't want to dwell on matters of lost love.  

There is so much more that I'd want to change if I could.  To many, I could be considered a success.  I own my place free and clear, and I have enough resources to last the rest of my life if I am careful with those resources. Yet, I look at myself as a successful failure.  If I had been able to deal with anger issues earlier in my life, I'd have been able to build better friendships, have better romances, and have been much more successful in my career.  If I could tell the 21 year old version of me anything, I'd advise myself to find a good therapist before I got serious with any woman, and before I wasted time in my early career positions.  Although my life would likely have been extremely different from the one I lived, I think I would have been much more successful than I am now.  (And no, I don't mean just financial success.  I also mean that I'd have better and more fulfilling relationships with people.)  Yet, I have few regrets about the life I've lived.

When I think about my career, I was lucky to avoid going for the big bucks when I didn't have the maturity to invest in myself.  Once I developed the basic skills to make a good living, I didn't maintain a saleable skill set to preserve the marketability of my skills.  Yet, I was able to stay at a firm for 30 years, and earn a decent pension while I was able to do so.  This would not have happened had I jumped around for short term money, as I did at the beginning of my career.

If I had chosen to write this blog with the benefit of foresight, I'd have revealed less about some people in my life.  For example, I would have been much more careful about what I wrote - especially when it came to an ex-girlfriend and an ex-cruise partner.  (Long time readers of my blogs know who I mean when I mention them.) Regarding the ex-girlfriend, I would have been less aggressive about pursuing my interests. And regarding the ex cruise partner, the other day, she must have "butt dialed" me.  She didn't respond to an olive branch I sent her in response.  Just as well.  Vicki says that it was a mistake to send out the olive branch.  And she's probably right.

There is one other regret, and this regards a reader of this blog.  I only had the opportunity to meet her once.  Unfortunately, things got in the way for the two of us, and we were never able to meet again.  Sadly, she no longer lives near here, and meeting with her is virtually impossible. Hopefully, I will be able to see her again.