I find myself more interested in travel than before

 

When I was married, my late wife and I would take yearly vacations and not go too far from home.  The only places more than a day's drive away that we visited were California and Nova Scotia.  I think that had she lived (and our marriage had survived), we would have found a way to travel more.  However, that's one thing among many things that is impossible to know.

After my wife died, I had a good income and I found myself traveling to widows/widowers gatherings across the country, organized by AOL chat room hosts.  For the most part, I was looking to meet friends, while others were looking to find new mates.  That pattern continues today with me attending meetups.  But I digress....

Over the years, I found myself flying out to places such as Biloxi, MS; San Jose, CA; and Pigeon Forge, TN.  Yet, I only found myself traveling out of the country on the two cruises I took and on the trips I took to Niagara Falls and Toronto.  I never put my desire to travel into high gear, and visited places that were truly far and wide.  Without someone with whom to share my experiences, I feel that I might have been afraid to take the risk of leaving my comfort zone.

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When the Twin Towers were attacked on 9/11/01, two of my colleagues from the bank were caught outside the US.  One was North of the border visiting Montreal and the other was vacationing in Salzburg, Austria. They were stuck outside the US until our government figured out what to do. I could only imagine what they were thinking, not being able to come home when they planned to do so.  As for me, I was one of many people tasked with getting our bank up and running after losing our data center in that disaster.  Although I was safe at home, travel seemed a bit scary.  Yet, within 6 months, I went to another widows/widowers gathering in Las Vegas, NV.

It wasn't until my former cruise partner (FCP) suggested it in the 2010's that I took my third cruise.  And I found that I enjoyed the experience, as it was comfortable and allowed me to leave my comfort zone a bit, because I started traveling as Marian.  Yes, I got some strange looks.  But it forced me to learn how to overcome my fears and be the person I am today.

Although my upcoming Norwegian Fjord cruise will be done as Mario, I figure that it is time to get out of my comfort zone again (albeit, just a little) and experience overseas travel.  Who knows?  It could become addicting....

An unexpected gift....

 

As my readers know, I enjoy cruising, both alone and with a companion.  But cruising can get expensive, especially when one wants to take bucket list trips such as cruising the Norwegian Fjords.  So I was pleasantly surprised to find that because I qualified for Social Security survivor benefits (I was married for 11 years, and was widowed at the age of 39), that I could get a payout on my late wife's account before converting the payments to come from my account.

Today, I received the survivor benefit payout, and I can now afford to take a cruise out of Los Angeles in the Spring.  Hopefully, I'll be able to visit my uncle before this cruise, as he doesn't have many years to go on this planet, and I want to see him while he's still (sort of) vertical.

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Now, the big question is: Where do I want to cruise to?  I can easily afford a 7-day California Coastal cruise.  And I can afford a 15-day Hawaii cruise.  But which one makes more sense?  That's the question I must answer soon, as I will miss having RQS with me even more if I were to take the longer trip.

Sometimes, you find stuff you weren't looking for.

 

It's been a little under 27 years since my late wife passed, and things related to her life still pop up now and then.  Today, I stumbled across some items related to her life and our life that I didn't expect to see. First came baby pictures of my wife in a small book related to her early life.  Then, I found our wedding certificate near the book.  It doesn't mean much, save that it is a reminder that she was an important part of my life.

Soon, it will be the 27th anniversary of my wife's death.  I was very lucky to have had her in my life when I did, and I cherish the memories of that time.  Yes, she did know that I liked wearing women's clothes (I didn't know what being transgender was) and accepted this on all but our wedding night.  But I'll always wonder, that had she survived, would she have accepted me for who and what I am?

While cleaning up the apartment, I also found something I wasn't looking for - some costume jewelry that I liked to wear, that usually hung on the knobs of a dresser near my computer desk. When the electricians were here in August, I had to move the dressers, so that they would be able to get at the electrical outlets behind them.  So, I put everything into a bag, and stuffed it into the mess sitting on a chest near the foot of my bed.

At this point, cleanup was a big "might as well" task, and I started to empty out one of my dresser drawers, so that I had a place to stash some of the mess on top of my desk. And I realized that I could start another donation bag for charity.  There were 6 sweaters in that drawer, and 3 of them went into the donation bag.  Now, I had a place where I could put my leggings, so that I knew where they were.

In the end, I still had a mess, but I was making progress towards getting this place in shape....

My late wife and I had a lot in common.

 

After my wife passed, and before I met RQS, I often felt that there would be no one who could fit well into my life.  In retrospect, it is obvious why several exes and I couldn't make things work.  Add my transgender nature to the normal complications of life, and I felt that it would be a fluke to find a woman who felt comfortable with my full and authentic self.  I felt like the woman pictured above - alone, but hopeful.

Yet, after a few conversations I've had lately, including a recent one with TCL, I started thinking of one of my wife's habits.  She was a clothes horse who never pruned her wardrobe.  I, too, am a clothes horse, but one who is pruning her wardrobe.  And some of the pruning efforts have shown me that in my haste, I might get rid of things I really wanted to keep.  To give the pruning process too much thought can result in paralysis - something I've experienced when the contents of my apartment reached a critical mass.

A while back, XGFJ helped me get some order in the corners of my bedroom.  This order was lost during the pandemic.  Lately, RQS has helped me go through the clothing I accumulated and quite a few donation bags have been delivered to a local charity.  Yet, when I look at my closet, I am still finding clothes which are eligible for the next donation bag.

I'll bet that my late wife would be laughing if she could see me today.  She had clothes hanging from the molding over the doors and closets, and I have done the same thing on occasion.  Like her, I accumulated way too much, and couldn't muster enough energy to get rid of the things I no longer need, want or use.  Unlike her, I've had assistance in getting this place into order.

Would she have felt comfortable with me wearing dresses outside the house?  I'll never have the answer to that question.  Would she be comfortable living with someone who was "out"?  Again, I'll never know.  But I do know that she coped with life the best way she could, and wasn't able to reach out for the help she needed when she needed it.  Hopefully, as I get older, I'll know where to find help and be able to get it when needed....

Swedish death cleaning - American Style

 

Have you ever looked at a messy apartment and congratulated yourself for getting rid of a lot of the clutter? That's how I felt yesterday after a closet clean out session.  In addition to rationalizing what I'm keeping in the closet, I have given it greater organization for future storage.  

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Some of the things I found in the closet were tools needed for painting and for bathroom tile work. Although I will likely hire out most of the future work of this ilk, it pays for me to keep some of these tools around - just in case.  Next, I found 12 bottles of distilled spirits, all of which I intend to give away over time.  The bottles are properly sealed, and will likely have retained their alcohol content after 30 years. Then, I found enough clothing to fill 2 large donation bags - which went to the donation center today. What I found most interesting is the amount of makeup supplies that I've been keeping in reserve for future use. I never realized how much stuff I bought planning to use, and then stored away as my makeup needs changed.

I will soon need to clean out my storage compartment, so that I can make room for things I don't need in this apartment on a regular basis.  For example, I want to rotating out-of-season clothing between the apartment and the storage apartment, so that the apartment (and its closets) doesn't feel cramped anymore.  Part of this cleanup will be the disposal of a 600+ Vinyl LP collection  I don't play these albums anymore, and I want to see them go where someone might enjoy them.

In both the apartment and the storage compartment, I have some cut glass decanters which have never been used.  I know that 2 of these decanters in the apartment were wedding presents, but I'm not sure of the others that are in the storage compartment.  There will be a tinge of sadness when I get rid of these items, as I will be feeling sad for hopes that died with my wife.  The decanters are among many items I have which provide connections to my late wife, and going through all the clutter has stirred up both memories and feelings.  The more "valuable" things were when my wife was alive, the more feelings I will need to deal with as I dispose of those things.

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Given where things are now, I'm starting to see light at the end of the tunnel.  There's a part of me that wonders what my late wife would be doing had I been the one to pass away.  But I'll never have answers to those questions.  All I can do is move forward, so that I have a place that I can be proud to have guests in again.

By the time you read this....

 

By the time you read this, I will have both gone to a doctor to see about my persistent cough and have gone on my California cruise with RQS.  And I'll have much to report when I get back.

I'm not one who is comfortable going to new doctors, dealing with new procedures, etc. when it comes to my health.  So, it took a badly abscessed tooth to get me going to a dentist on a regular basis.  It took me almost getting pneumonia to start seeing my internist on a regular basis.  It took a former girlfriend to get me to see a sleep doctor. And it took a former friend to get me to see a dermatologist (who I should see again soon). As you can guess, I am nervous about going to the Doc in a Box today, and may write another post about it later on.

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Tomorrow, we'll be flying to LA for our cruise.  On our one full free day in LA, we intend to see my uncle, and then do a little of the tourist thing.  Unfortunately, many of the attractions will close at 5 pm, not giving us enough time to do more than one museum or attraction.  But then, I never loved LA.  Its sprawl befits the description, "LA is a suburb in search of a city." I prefer to be in a traditional city.

Afterward, we will go on our cruise and stop in San Francisco for a couple of days. In a way, this trip is our way of connecting with family on the West Coast. First, we'll visit the place where I scattered my late wife's ashes. RQS won't mind that, as I was with her when she scattered her husband's ashes. (Of course, we'll spend the better part of the two days in San Francisco doing the typical tourist thing.) Then we will sail off to San Diego, where we'll meet up with RQS's cousin for the day. And all too soon, we'll be home.

It's been hard to identify why I am ambivalent about taking this trip.  And now I think I've figured it out.  It will likely be the last time I see my uncle while he's alive.  It may be the last time I visit San Francisco and go where I scattered my late wife's ashes.  It may be the last chance that RQS gets to meet her older cousin.  In short, it's a trip with a set of "Lasts" that is giving me a sense of sadness before it begins.

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A while back, FCP criticized me, saying that I had nothing going on in my life. (I take this slightly out of context, as I don't want to rehash old wounds.)  I think she'd now say that I have a life of my own. It's far from perfect, but it's my life and I'm living it.

RQS makes me glad that she's in my life.  Unlike Ex-GF-M, RQS is willing to try new things when with me.  She is willing to get a little lost along the way, and explore what serendipity brings to us.  Unlike XGFJ, she's willing to force the issue and make me tell her how I feel.  And unlike my relationship with Patty, our relationship is built on solid ground - we both feel secure.  It's a shame that it took me almost 25 years to find a relationship that really works for me. But as they say, "you've got to kiss a few frogs before you find a prince(ss)."  

I almost forgot my anniversary - thoughts on being widowed.

 

There are several days during the year that I make sure I have a small drink - and they are all related to significant days that I shared with my late wife.  Today would have been our 38th anniversary, and there will always be a part of me that misses her.

How would I describe my late wife?  After 27 years of being widowed, many of the little things she used to have faded into the fog of lost memories.  Yet, I can still remember her saying things such as EN-Double A-ESS-T-EYE, and letting out her inner child much more often than I could. Yes, she didn't know how to cope with things at her office, as it was a small business that didn't bother with obeying important business rules, such as having a non-smoking office.  At the end of her life, she was angry because she was the only non-smoker in the office, and the only one that suffered with cancer in that office.

I'll never be sure how much she loved me, or whether she stayed with me because she feared that she'd have no place to go if she left me. I know that her problems  with money triggered my insecurities, and frustrated me until the day she died. Yet, I find it ironic that I may have more female clothes than she did when she died - and that I gave away 12-16 bags of those clothes to a local charity when she died.  I think she would have a big laugh if she were to see me and that closet today.

The other day, I made a short mention of my late wife to Vicki #1, and she went off into a diatribe on how my wife may not have grown with me, how we might have gone into couples' therapy and failed at it, and so on.  It was not what I wanted to hear, as I wasn't in the mood to be convinced that my life is better because my wife died - I know that, and felt a little sad because it is so.  I was simply subconsciously reminded of her, and reacting to that stimulus.

Yet, I'll always wonder now and then - what would have happened if my wife had lived?  And this is where Vicki and I agree - the odds are that we would have gotten divorced, and that I would have approached new relationships with a certain lack of trust. Could this be why certain divorced women are attracted to me as a friend?  Who knows?  But I don't think I'd be able to have my relationship with RQS if I had been divorced.  I needed the assumption of goodwill that only being widowed can bring to a potential relationship.

If there is something after death, I only hope that my late wife is having a good laugh seeing how my life has progressed so far....

Meow! a short post

 

As I get older, I find that the common cat seems to be getting a larger presence in my life. Yet, I have no felines as pets.  Go figure it out.

When I met my late wife, she came into my life with two cats. Soon afterward, she brought two more cats into the apartment, making a total mess of the place.  (I have floorboards that have to be refinished because of those cats.  But I digress.) When the last of these cats died (my favorite), I never intended to have cats in my life again.

Over the years, I have developed a friendship with TCL, and have been with her for vet appointments for the cats she had before the pandemic.  Now, I'm seeing RQS, a woman who has two cats of her own. One of these cats is an attention hog, and misses his human(s) when away.  (He is making this known by "going to the bathroom" in the bathroom after RQS has prepared a clean litter box.)  The other cat is much more standoffish, and generally has not yet warmed up to me.  (However, this second cat has warmed up to RQS's cat sitter - he feeds her fresh food and is not seen as an interloper.)  Yet, I have developed an affection for these cats, and would have a hard time seeing RQS happy without her cats.

What does this mean?  I guess I'll need to keep my allergy pills handy more often than not.  Or, does it mean that in my old age that I'll become a crazy cat lady?

Co-Op Issues - a short post.

 

I am known to my co-op board of directors as both Mario and Marian.  This is not and will not be an issue for me with the co-op.  But there is something that annoys me quite a bit, and it's related to a personnel issue that we've been dealing with for a while.  Although I can't talk about this issue, I can say that it has caused me to write "nastygrams" which would have made my late wife proud.

My late wife was good at writing complaint letters to businesses.  I can still remember a letter she wrote to our (then) favorite Chinese Restaurant complaining of horrible service given by a waiter who ignored us for the entire meal.  Needless to say, the owner gave us a free meal and made sure that we didn't see that waiter again.

Lately, I have been developing a similar skill when doing my duties for the co-op.  We have a vendor whose performance is sub par, and I have been in contact with the owner to get things resolved to our satisfaction. (This is about all I can say about the issue, as it doesn't mention the vendor or the nature of the issue.)  This has been a good experience for me, as I have learned something about myself at the same time as I've learned things about others.

Hopefully, these issues will be resolved soon.  If not, I will continue with my letter writing and documenting the lack of progress on these issues as needed.

Ashes - a short post

 

Laffing Sal at the Musee Mecanique

Later this year, RQS and I will be visiting San Francisco on a California Cruise, and I will be showing her some of the places in town that have meaning to me. One of which will be the Musee Mechanique, where Laffing Sal can be found.  But of more importance is the place where I scattered my late wife's ashes.  I haven't paid my respects in over 10 years, and it's time I go back - even for a short visit.

Sooner or later, RQS will need to scatter her late husband's ashes.  And I will be there for her when she does it, as a (now ex) girlfriend was there for me when I scattered my wife's ashes 25+ years ago.  Over time, we all need to scatter the ashes from our past, so that we can get on with living.  This doesn't mean that we forget the past.  Instead, it means we are moving forward into the future.

Both RQS and I are taking the time to clean up our places.  In my case, I'm doing my best to declutter my place, so that required work can be done in my apartment.  I figure that I still have a few months to take care of things, and hope to have the bulk of these things taken care of before my cruise.  It will be nice to again have a place in the basement where I can seasonally store unused items from both of my wardrobes.

Unused Tableware and Coincidences

Years ago, my late wife bought 28 table settings with the idea (expressed to me) that she could entertain her extended family at one sitting.  Unless someone has either a large family, or a large circle of acquaintances she entertains lately, as well as a dining area large enough to entertain them, I can't see this being a reasonable purchase. 

These place settings were purchased before I met my wife, and were never used while we were married.  About a year after she died, my girlfriend and I packed these table settings into two large Rubbermaid containers, and transported them to my brother's place for storage.  My intentions were to give these place settings to my niece when she got married.  But this was not to happen, as she got married in London and is living a minimalist lifestyle unlike that of her parents and grandparents.  These place settings ended up sitting in my brother's basement for over 25 years, and didn't need to be dealt with until now.

Recently, my brother decided to deal with long deferred maintenance on his money pit of a house.  One of the things he needed to take care of was fixing the foundation of his house and doing a fresh pour of cement in the basement of his house.  This meant that everything in the basement had to be cleared out. As a result, I decided to keep 6 place settings, and give the rest to charity.

So, I drove to my brother's place and sorted through these table settings, separating them into a set of 6 for me, and a set of 22 for the charity.  Once done with that, my brother and I went to a German Restaurant in Franklin Square.  I was looking for something tasty to eat, and I noticed the lack of Sauerbraten on the menu.  (This was the last dish my wife cooked for me before she was too weak to cook anything.)   Coincidentally, It was about this time of the year when she became too ill to go to work, and the severity of her illness couldn't be denied any longer.  My memories of my late wife were getting triggered right and left. Yet, it wasn't strong feelings of sadness I felt.  Instead, it was a feeling of letting go of the past.  Part of my wife was moving on to a (hopefully) better place.

Would my late wife approve of what I did?  Who knows?  But I'm hearing no complaints from the great beyond....

This will be my last weekend with RQS before my cruise.

 

 
Both RQS and I have been packing for trips.  As reported here, I have two bags going with me to Hawaii. RQS has two small bags going with her as she travels South to see her cousin.  I'm not going to say much about her trip here, save that her preparation is getting in the way of our time together.  😞

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It is normal for two people to spend time apart from each other.  After this weekend, we will be apart for the better part of 3 weeks - and I will miss her.  But there will likely be another period coming up where the 2 of us will be apart for just as long - assuming that I take a Panama Canal cruise as an excuse to see my 90 y/o uncle in California.

My uncle and I are not close.  Yet, he is my uncle, and he once gave me a gift more valuable than money - security in a stressful time.   Almost 27 years ago now, my wife was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  I was busy with several projects at work, and one of them was visible to the CEO of the bank I then worked for.  Bush #41 had just signed a bill that protected people who needed family leave to take care of sick relatives, but didn't provide financial help for those people doing so.  Without knowing that my uncle's checkbook was open to my needs, I might not have been able to play political hardball and threaten to leave in the middle of a politically sensitive project.  As a result of my uncle's actions, I was able to force my management to give me the resources I needed to get the project done and be able to take care of my wife's needs as well.

In a way, I want my uncle to know that I'll be there for him if needed.  He is going through a stressful time, and he has no family nearby to count on.  (Yes, he has friends that are as close as family, but that's another story.)  So I want to check in on him in 2023, as my brother did in 2022.  Hopefully, he will appreciate the visit....

I keep ordering useful things from Amazon

Toothpaste tablets.  Why would I buy them?  Given that I'll be flying to Hawaii soon, the less I have to put in a special liquids bag, the easier my trip through the security checkpoint will be.  This is only one of the purchases I've been making lately, as I have to prepare for travel in a way I haven't done in over a decade.

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Lately, I've been buying things such as auto-on, rechargeable motion sensitive night lights, a cruise power strip (no surge protection), a clear sling bag (for use at Pearl Harbor), and a selfie stick (for taking pictures of me on my upcoming trip.).  I would never have bothered buying much of this stuff had I not been planning on a trip to Hawaii.  Given that I will likely be doing more travel in retirement than I did beforehand, I will be fleshing out an appropriate travel kit, something that can last me from 2 to 20 days as needed.

I understand how easy it was for my wife to become a spending addict.  Click on an item you want, and "by magic" it appears by your door.  You do not handle "real money".  Instead, you authorize a debit to your account (which you must fund), and lose the tactile feedback that paying with cash provides.  It is much easier to know that you are spending too much when you both see and feel less cash in your wallet.

Part of my spending spree has been to replace both a 20" carry-on suitcase and a 28" suitcase.  It cost 75% more than I planned, but I wanted to get something that would last a decade or two. I'm grateful to be able to do this, as I have a decent amount of money in my bank account from 40 years in the work force.  (If I didn't also have a good 401k and pension, I'd be in very bad shape right now.)  But this spending can't last.  Right now, my 401k is down 30% from its high point, and the yearly distribution I was planning on taking may need to be reduced.  I want to preserve as much capital as possible for now, and still want to enjoy living my current life of leisure.

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Last night, I met up with a transgender person for dinner.  If I weren't lucky enough to have been employed by a top-10 bank for 30 years, I might not have had the discretionary cash to afford this dinner.  I also might not have had the cash to have afforded the voice training, laser treatment and second wardrobe I need to go about in the world as Marian, some of that wardrobe coming from Amazon itself.  I only wonder what my late wife would have thought of the way I live my life today.

A place I want to get back to soon....

 

Peggy's Cove, NS.  Although I wouldn't want to live there, I'd like to visit there every few years.  It's a place that one can take many interesting photographs, and it's a place that never seems to change much over the years.

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The first time I was in Peggy's Cove was when I was a child.  It didn't impress me much then, as little makes an impression on a young child.  However, I later made it there with my late wife, and we both enjoyed making this the highlight of our Nova Scotia vacation.  I'll always remember an incident that happened in one of the hotels we stayed at in our travels - the warm water shut off unexpectedly while I was in the shower, I yelled "F**k!", and she came to my aid not knowing whether I was in need or not.  Although there are more details I don't mention to this story, it is the most memorable part of this trip.

The next time I was in Peggy's Cove was on a cruise with my former cruise partner (FCP).  She didn't come with me on this excursion.  But I was sure to get some pictures while there.  This visit impressed me more than my previous two visits, as I became aware of the rocky ground the town sat upon, and wondered how people get their water and deal with sanitary issues.  (I never did think like an average person.)  And still, I couldn't get the beauty of the place out of my mind.

So this time, I hope that RQS appreciates Peggy's Cove as much as I do.  Although I'll be in Mario Mode this time, it won't be much of an issue when I'm with her.

Thoughts on a VCR and on Travel

 

Ever since I started pulling wires to disconnect my old DVD player and connect a new one, I have not yet been able to get my old VCR to work.  The VCR is rarely used, but I want to be able to use it once in a while to play a tape of my late wife and I on a TV show.  As much as I'm starting to care for RQS, I will always miss my late wife and how she made my life better.

Although I think I have everything set up right, I know that I'm overlooking something.  I am very lucky to have had this poor quality recording, as it is all I have left of my wife, save for a few tiny pictures.  In the future, all there will be left of me will be a few pictures and the remnants of my thoughts on the blog entries I've posted.  This is normal in life.  From dust to dust, as they say....

Right now, I feel I have a few more good years left in my life.  Over the next two or three years, I plan to go on at least three to five more cruises, plus do some more land trips that I never have had the time or money to do in the past. For example, I will be doing another New England/Eastern Canada cruise soon.  And shortly afterwards, I'll be doing a Hawaii cruise on my own.  If all goes right, sometime next year, I will be doing a Panama Canal cruise with RQS.  Then I hope that we will be able to take some trips to South America (think: cruising by the Tierra del Fuego), Iceland, and Great Britain (with a Westbound crossing on the Queen Mary 2). At that point, I have to determine how much money we can spend on travel while we are both healthy enough to take bucket list trips.

When I went on my last cruise, the ship I was on had only 2 US type electric sockets.  In today's world, this is not enough.  By watching one vlog, I found out that the ship we're cruising on has USB ports on both sides of the bed.  If that's true, we will not need to play games with the extension core I use for my CPAP machine.  

It's nice to know that no matter what happens, that the world will keep moving forward when I'm long gone.  Let's hope that time does not come soon....

Cancer Sucks!

 

As I was parking in my usual parking spot, I saw a neighbor walking with a cane.  Normally, he's in the best of health and able to take on an army without showing any stress.  So what gives?  Since he was having trouble getting out of his friend's car, I couldn't help but ask him "What happened?"  And the answer surprised me - he has lymphoma.  Since I don't want to give out any information which can identify him further, I will say nothing about the type of work he does, save that it requires him to be in the best of health.

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This development explains why his car hasn't moved in days.  Luckily, this form of cancer has a 92% cure rate.  But he is worried.  He wants to make it to retirement age, sell his apartment, and move to where his money can go a lot further than it does here.  While we chatted, he mentioned the board member who had been treated for cancer, then died of Covid-19 at the beginning of the pandemic.  I mentioned that my late wife died of cancer.  But I stopped short of volunteering any help.  There is not much I could do for him, save to drive him back and forth between his apartment and medical appointments.  Given that I have little energy these days, I'd be a lousy person to give him much help.

Obviously, this man has at least one friend nearby that can help him.  TCL and I have the same problem - we don't have the friends who could help us if something like this happened to us.  There is no way that I could call on FCP or an ex-girlfriend for assistance, and I don't think I'd want to even consider them even if we were still friends.  (The ex-girlfriend showed her true colors when we had our kerfuffle, and FCP would use it as a cudgel to get what she wants in one way or another.  It's better that I remember all the help I gave her with getting to hospitals, etc. than to let her say it was a one way deal in my favor.)

I'm rooting for this neighbor.  Hopefully, he'll be one of the 92% who live more than 5 years after diagnosis.

Thoughts on a past lost to time

 

 
Something got me thinking about my former travel partner.  I'll admit that it was because of my stupidity that I lost her as a friend. Yet, I'm not really sure about the quality of the friendship we once shared.  Thinking back on it, there may have been a codependency factor involved that made the dissolution of the friendship more painful for the two of us.

I'm very glad that FCP has had two happy events occur in her life in the past few months.  And I'm sad that I couldn't be there to share them with her.  Yet, she's not with me as I explore things with RQS, building up a shared set of happy experiences..  We both lost a lot when the friendship ended, but this is a part of life.

One of the things that FCP said to me in the process of cutting off communications was that I did not betray XGFJ, and that she is glad that I am communicating with her again.  What she doesn't want to see is the fact that XGFJ betrayed me.   Although I have forgiven XGFJ for her actions, I doubt that we'll be any closer than we are now - two people with a shared past that have less and less to talk about as time pulls us away from each other.

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But enough about FCP and XGFJ.  There are other things that time has erased from my life.  For example, the older I get, the harder it gets for me to remember many of the details of my late wife.  She had a habit of saying "N double-A s t i" for "Nasty".  There were many more quirks that she had, but most of them have moved into inaccessible areas of my memory.  I miss those memories, yet it is a good thing that most of them are inaccessible.  It would be a bad thing to bore RQS with things about my late wife's life, and for her to bore me with things about her late husband's life.  We are only able to share the most important things about our late spouses' lives, and we understand the losses that the other has felt....

There's a part of me that mourns the loss of the career I enjoyed (for the most part) for the better part of 40 years.  The opportunity to work as a programmer again is tantalizing, as it was the type of work I most enjoyed.  Yet, I'm way past my prime, and I would not gain much from retooling for work best done by a younger person. Yet, I could sacrifice some of the time I have left to me to end my working career doing the type of work that gave me pleasure when I started in the workforce.

- - - - - -

One of the things I miss since I've been employed at my present job is reading for the enjoyment of it.  By the time my day ends at the office, my mind is fried.  I've made so many micro decisions that I have no energy left to make any of the big ones.  This has resulted in an inability to clean up my apartment, and an inability to do much of the reading I enjoy so much.  Hopefully, by the time I get to take my next long vacation, I will have recharged my energy enough so that both my apartment has finally gotten cleaned up and that I've regained my ability to enjoy a long book.  I'd hate for these things to have gotten lost with time.

- - - - - -

All of us have friends and family we have lost over the years. Many of us have had to reinvent ourselves to live with a purpose in life. As for me, I live to learn - about myself, about others, and about the world in which we live.  From each loss comes an opportunity to grow.  And I intend to use those opportunities to grow instead of being burdened by them....

 

Not having much to say at times....

 

One shouldn't talk much when watching a movie at the local theater.  Maybe that's why sell so much popcorn - it keeps you from talking and it carries a hefty profit margin. However, things are very different when two people are on the phone....

- - - - - -

When I met my late wife, it was after two marathon late night phone conversations.  We ate our fair share of popcorn at the movies, and it showed on our waist lines.  Although she is long gone, I remember the nature of these conversations well, as she rented the strangest combination of movies for the first date. If she were here today, I'd bet that she'd recall all the movies she rented and in which order they were played. However, none of those are traditional "Date Movies", and I will not mention any of the titles in this post (largely because my memory is shot).

Lately, RQS and I have been having conversations that can easily go on for hours.  And if I didn't have to get up so early in the morning, we'd probably talk through the night and into the morning.  Yet, we wouldn't have any substantive to say to each other.  Instead, we simply like the other's company.  It's way too early to say anything. CWS is still in the picture for now..  And I think that she will be in the picture until RQS is sure of her feelings about me in my female presentation....

Persistance in memory

 

Many of us have phone numbers in our heads that we will never forget. A number like 212-PE6-5000 will never be forgotten, as this was the oldest continually used business number in New York City.  In my case, other numbers often come to mind, such as the phone number of the church I attended as a child. Recently, a number from the past started coming up, and I couldn't be sure of why I knew the number.  So I did a reverse lookup on the number, and I found that it was the phone number used by the company my wife used to work for - over a quarter of a century ago.  Even though the firm has moved out of its original area code region, they have kept this number so that long standing customers could easily reach them in their "new" digs.

This got me to thinking: What causes us to retrieve fragments of memories from "archival storage" and bring them into "working storage", and yet not be usable for much?  In my case, I think it was an unplanned visit to a restaurant with my late wife's name that triggered recall of her former corporation's phone number.  This number was the one I'd call during lunch hours, as it was the only one that would be answered by a human in this period. So, combined with a "successful" first date with a new lady, my subconscious mind may have been trying to signal its comfort with the new lady.  Only a good shrink can say for sure....

There are so many things we file away in our memories, never (or very rarely) to be used again. For example, the phone number of the church I once attended brings back memories of their property before a medical office building was constructed on their former parking lot.  My wife's corporate number brings back memories of her and that of the buildings that made up the factory where she worked.  (She was part of office administration, but had to deal with all the headaches of NOT being part of the family that ran the business.)  Yet, not all phone numbers are easily retrievable for me.  For example, I can't remember any of the office numbers I used at work.  Yet, I can easily recall the number of my tax preparer, a number which I would only use once or twice each year.

So what makes some memories retrievable and what prevents them from being retrievable.  In my case, I think it is the importance the people connected to that number mean to me.  I can not remember the land line number of my late wife's old apartment, as she moved into my place shortly after we met. Yet, I can remember her office number, as I was calling that number once or twice each day while she was at work.  In the case of the church's phone number, I could use it to reach my mom while she worked at the church.

Sadly, I think that 212-PE6-5000 will never be as useful as it was in its heyday.  As for the other numbers, all they do is bring back old memories.

Cancer Sucks

 

Some time ago, I posted an entry about a reader of this blog who has died of cancer. This is a malady that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, but would consider wishing on some politicians we all know and loathe.  Today, I had a conversation with DCD, a man who I knew through a therapy group we once attended, and he was feeling a bit down.  After 2 operations and a round of chemo (could be radiation, I don't remember for sure), I'm pretty sure that he is scared for his life.

As I've mentioned before, my late wife died of cancer, and it was 9 months from diagnosis to death.  Although this happened more than 2 decades ago, some of the memories are as fresh as if they were made last week. So I feel sorry for DCD, as I have an inkling of what he and his girlfriend are going through.  Like my situation with my late wife, DCD doesn't communicate that well with his girlfriend.  And this isn't helping things much, as DCD doesn't have many options left to him in his life.  If he survives, he'll likely be working until the day he dies.  Let's hope that isn't anytime soon.

One of these days, we'll hear doctors say: "It's only a mild case of cancer.  Don't worry.  We can cure it with this regimen...."  Unfortunately, that day has not come yet.  But the promising developments that started while my wife was alive are slowly beginning to bear fruit.  Let's hope that it comes soon enough for our children not to need to worry about this medical issue....