Meanderings

I don't own this dress anymore.  When I bought it, I thought it would look nice on me.  However, my style has changed a lot since then, and I no longer shop just for things that fit me.  Instead, I try to choose garments that both fit well and make me look pretty.

Why do I mention this?

My place was never as bad as it is now while I was seeing my last serious girlfriend.  I've more than documented the disastrous end to that relationship and the loss of two friendships when I could have used them most.  So I won't go into talk about the past, save that I miss having company now and then.  Right now, I have 5 large bags of clothes in my living room which have to go to charity.  And I want to do this (and more) before I have a woman come to this apartment.  It's been over 2 years since I've had a guest here, and I'd like to make it presentable for someone new - preferably before New Year..

Today, I talked to TCL on my way home and I was reminded about why a relationship never clicked between the two of us.  One might say that she is too smart for her own good.  But that alone wouldn't be an issue.  Instead, she is both too judgemental and wanting too much to tell others about what she thinks is the correct way to do things. For example, I mentioned  the issue with Amazon's last mile delivery, and she said that I should have dropped the mis-delivered packages off at the correct apartments. Since I was in a rush, I alerted one of the neighbors that her package was mis-delivered, and asked her to pick up the packages bound for her doorway.  She did not do that.  She was focusing on what she would have done, and not my telling of the story.  And that can be off-putting when one has to deal with it every day.

Given everything, I'm leery of buying anything from Amazon during this holiday season.  Yet, I just had two packages come that I ordered two days ago - each from different companies.  The first was a bigger box that contacted 3 packages of disposable makeup wedges.  The other contained two rolls of clear medical adhesive tape.  Both these things are in short supply at Walmart, Target, and local drug stores. But I could get them through Amazon.  And I will have a big enough supply before I'm on my cruise without worrying whether the brick and mortar stores will restock them in time for the cruise.  (I can still remember when Walmart had no house brand exfoliating makeup remover wipes in their stores, and going to buy out the last of the remaining stock in a nearby store.)  

There's a part of me that wishes there was a way to reconcile with the former cruise partner (FCP).  Yet there's another part that doesn't want to deal with her anymore.  We once had a "sail away" inside cabin (or ocean view cabin) which was directly below a lounge area.  She couldn't deal with the bands making music above our cabin until 11:00-11:30 pm, preventing her from relaxing.  So she hectored "hotel staff" on the ship until she got a satisfactory substitute - a balcony cabin.  I'd have accepted the original room, as we let the cruise line pick the room before sailing and they delivered on their side of the contract.  Although we got a nicer room, I didn't like how we got it.  And this would bother me if I had to deal with her again in any close relationship.  Sometimes, a person has to accept a "no" on minor things, so that s/he can demand a 'yes" on the important ones.

In short, I'm finding that I hate pushy people.  I don't like being pushed around, and will push back hard when pushed.  Sometimes, being pushy is appropriate for the matter at hand.  But when someone is too pushy for too long, I lose my tolerance for that person.  So far, TCL knows that limit with me.

 

Looking back at two friendships.

 

The above picture is of me and my former cruise partner (FCP) who shall not be named here.  The other day, she came up in an exchange of text messages between me and my ex girlfriend. Although I can sense some of my ex's ambivalence about how we handled our differences, I know that she may be learning something by chatting with me this way.  Whether or not we end up being good friends again is up to fate.  But with everything that went on in my life last year, she may have been in a worse place without losing anyone important in her life. And that could be the explanation why she fought so hard then and why she is ambivalent about a friendship now.  But I digress....

The ex and FCP have met once during the pandemic and have chatted on the phone several times.  It seems like the ex inherits friendships whenever she breaks up with a man - and now she has FCP for a friend.  I know that FCP and I will likely never find a way to patch things up - and I can't blame her for feeling as she does.

Several days ago, I had a dream that referenced FCP, and it wasn't pleasant.  I feel that I needed to send an indirect message to find out whether she is OK or not. And thus, the mention of this dream to my ex. I'm hoping that all is still OK with FCP, as last the ex heard, things were OK, as FCP has hunkered down with her pets for the duration.

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You might wonder why I once sent FCP a terse apology that may have sounded "matter of fact" and nothing more.  The answer is simple: If I were to say a "Mea Culpa, Mea Culpa, Mea Maxima Culpa" to her, she'd find a way to use the written word against me.  Thus, I don't want anything communicated in a form that could be used against me.

Regarding the ex, I want her as a friend, the type of friendship we could have had at the first time we broke up.  I don't push her.  Both of us still have some feelings that might complicate things if a friendship is rushed.   So I find it better to go slowly and work at rebuilding trust.  In our last conversation, I mentioned that there was a subtle wall between us during the relationship - and she gave as part of her explanation: "I didn't think about it."  People who build walls between themselves and others (and I'm including myself here as well), don't think of things that the other person feels should be obvious.  Over time, they may become obvious to the person, and by then it is often too late to fix things between the two people.  This is why I believe that an occasional argument between two people is a healthy thing - the walls we build are not started by our conscious minds, but can only be breached by our conscious minds.

- - - - - -

Some of my readers might remember that the big problems with the ex started with our breakup and how we handled things.  I am careful NOT to mention what's going on with my dating life with her, as it is none of her business.  If she were to ask, I'd give her the information she asked for, but I'd warn her that she might not like what she were to hear. (Whether she'd be pleased or not is not my concern if she were to ask the question.  But I think she'd be pleasantly surprised to find out certain things that I have not mentioned in this blog.)  Hopefully, this will not be an issue for us in the future.

As I've said earlier, I'm just trying to develop the friendship that my ex and I should have developed years ago.  Yet, at times, I feel that we're doing a delicate dance around an elephant in the room (not to be confused with the hose connecting us to our CPAP machines). Would either of us be able to overcome a fear of being hurt to risk opening up to a relationship again?  And if so, could either of us deal with potential rejection, or with a potential relationship failure in the future?  Right now, I'm only looking for a friendship, as that is the only realistic option open to us at the moment....

 

There are times I think about the failures in my life

 

There are times I think about the failures in my life.  One of those failures was my inability to realize how much I loved my wife before she died, and not to say "I Love You" when she was alive. Another set of failures was related to my relationship with my most recent (ex) girlfriend. I never told her how much I cared for her before we broke up.  Nor did I sense we were growing apart, even though she was signaling just the opposite.  It's been about 6 months since we were last in contact, and she's just a lingering memory of things that shouldn't have been.

Occasionally, a person should ask him/herself - what would I do differently if I could live my life over again?  In my case, I'd have told my wife that I loved her very much, and do it often. When thinking about my ex, I wouldn't have gotten back together with her the first time we broke up, and I would have tried to have the type of friendship that I have with Vicki. I made a lot of mistakes with this lady, and I wish I hadn't spent the better part of 5 years with her in a romantic relationship, when we would have been better off as close friends..

But I don't want to dwell on matters of lost love.  

There is so much more that I'd want to change if I could.  To many, I could be considered a success.  I own my place free and clear, and I have enough resources to last the rest of my life if I am careful with those resources. Yet, I look at myself as a successful failure.  If I had been able to deal with anger issues earlier in my life, I'd have been able to build better friendships, have better romances, and have been much more successful in my career.  If I could tell the 21 year old version of me anything, I'd advise myself to find a good therapist before I got serious with any woman, and before I wasted time in my early career positions.  Although my life would likely have been extremely different from the one I lived, I think I would have been much more successful than I am now.  (And no, I don't mean just financial success.  I also mean that I'd have better and more fulfilling relationships with people.)  Yet, I have few regrets about the life I've lived.

When I think about my career, I was lucky to avoid going for the big bucks when I didn't have the maturity to invest in myself.  Once I developed the basic skills to make a good living, I didn't maintain a saleable skill set to preserve the marketability of my skills.  Yet, I was able to stay at a firm for 30 years, and earn a decent pension while I was able to do so.  This would not have happened had I jumped around for short term money, as I did at the beginning of my career.

If I had chosen to write this blog with the benefit of foresight, I'd have revealed less about some people in my life.  For example, I would have been much more careful about what I wrote - especially when it came to an ex-girlfriend and an ex-cruise partner.  (Long time readers of my blogs know who I mean when I mention them.) Regarding the ex-girlfriend, I would have been less aggressive about pursuing my interests. And regarding the ex cruise partner, the other day, she must have "butt dialed" me.  She didn't respond to an olive branch I sent her in response.  Just as well.  Vicki says that it was a mistake to send out the olive branch.  And she's probably right.

There is one other regret, and this regards a reader of this blog.  I only had the opportunity to meet her once.  Unfortunately, things got in the way for the two of us, and we were never able to meet again.  Sadly, she no longer lives near here, and meeting with her is virtually impossible. Hopefully, I will be able to see her again.