Happy Elvis Day!

 

No, I am not a big Elvis fan.  Yet, I enjoy most of his music.  It's a shame that his life was cut short by excess.  But this post is not going to be about Elvis, other than it will be public on the anniversary of his birthday.

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Most of my readers know that I write things one day and publish them around 2 weeks later.  I do this, so that I can travel and not let people I'm away from the house until I've returned home.  This means that I rarely post on cruise-specific travel forums, as I don't want thieves to have the knowledge that I'll be away for a given period of time.  However, I just left the following post (from a different blog I occasionally write for people new to cruising) covering the cruise I took on December 9-16.

MSC Meraviglia - Florida and Bahamas Cruise (12/09/23 - 12/16/24)

It's written differently from the journal of the trip covered in successive entries in this transgender related blog, as no mention is given to any transgender issues.  Shortly after posting, I got a lot of people reading the blog, as it was of interest to a wider group of people.

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Why do I mention the unexpected popularity of my other blog?   Simple.  It's to remind our community that we are small and not on the minds of most people.  We are under attack by many,  But most people are inclined to let us be, as I was on this cruise.  I simply blended in to what people were expecting from a fat 66 y/o woman.  And for most of us, that's what we want - to be treated with the respect normally shown to a person of our identified genders.

We must not forget that we are under attack from some quarters.  When my ship made an unplanned stop in Miami, I refuse to spend any time or money helping the economy of that state as long as that homophobe/transphobe governor is in office.  (Yes, I broke down and spent $2.00 on some soda, as I was thirsty.)   I'm not as self righteous as I was practical - why take any last minute shore excursions in the rain?  If I have to pass through Florida, I will spend some money there.  But I won't plan a vacation that involves me staying there, save to visit a friend or to visit family.

- - - - - -

I've said before that living as a transgender person has a lot of mundane issues that are common to most people.  When I see transgender people like Danica Roem get elected to office, they don't focus on being different, save that they will do more for their constituents than their opposition.  We are part of a larger society. Maybe our goals of acceptance from the larger society should focus on how much alike we are to the rest of society instead of focusing on our differences....

Traditional Tax Day

 

Lately, I've been writing posts that are published 2 weeks later. These posts reflect the "present tense" at the time I write them, and not when they are available to my readers. I figure that when I get to travel, I won't be doing any writing during each trip, and will be playing catch-up when I get back.  This post is an exception to my usual way of doing things, as it is meant to be read on "Tax Day", and be current for that date.

One of the problems with our tax system is that it's hard to determine how much tax to withhold when one has multiple income sources.  Last year, I had income from a job, income from a pension, income from rental property, and income from other investments.  When I was working, I tried to over-withhold money from my paychecks to compensate for under-withholding from my other income sources.  What is most frustrating is that I need to spend several hundred dollars each year just to fill out forms the government needs to validate that I have paid enough in taxes each year.  This doesn't make much sense.  We need a tax system that is efficient, fair, and generates a maximum of revenue for government to use.

I'm not going to get into a long-winded discussion of the tax system, its flaws, and the trade-offs needed to create a better system.  No system could please everyone, and we have too much invested in our terrible system to take the social risk of making changes. 

So, why am I talking about taxes here?  This blog is a journal about my life as a transgender person living in the New York area.  The answer is simple.  Many things that transgender people deal with are just as mundane as the things that cisgender people deal with.  We just have a few more complications in our lives that get in the way of living those lives.

The other day, I recommended that RQS see a transgender accountant that I know.  She has just received her tax paperwork to sign, and is happy with the work that was done for her.  Yes, RQS still misgenders this accountant when talking with me, as all she has heard is the accountant's male voice - and that keeps triggering the use of the incorrect pronoun. I'm not going to hold it against RQS, as I've done the same thing when talking with another transgender acquaintance of mine.  And even my best friends have done it with me.  It is the price we pay, a tax on our souls you may call it, to be able to be out there as our authentic selves.  We may be free, but we must pay the price for that freedom in many ways.

I don't quibble about the overall amount of taxes I pay, as I've seen how much good government can do with that money. And I don't quibble when my friends and acquaintances misgender me by accident, as they will always be getting used to getting pronouns straight for people they first knew as part of the opposite gender....

There are differing degrees of being busy....

 

Later this week, I will be heading down to Queens to meet with RQS and take her to the theater.  We will be seeing Sarah Millican perform at the Beacon Theater in NYC.  From there, we will be going back to her place to pick up some luggage, and then go to my house for a couple of evenings before spending a night in New Jersey.  I'll be all over the place when I'd rather be spending time near home.

- - - - - -

In December 2021, I met a woman who cruises at least 3-4 times each year. Last year, she made it both to Africa and Antarctica.  This year, it's a couple of Alaska cruises, with an east coast run later in the year.  Next year, it's off to Australia and then a partial crossing of the Pacific.  I am very envious!  But then, I am trying to figure out ways that I can afford to sail more often than I do.

I've been writing notes about the things I've learned about cruising and plan to start writing a blog about my travels.  It is something that will keep my mind active, as well as give me a reason to keep up my travels.  Although I have sailed 10-11 times, I feel that I have exhausted many of the typical North American cruise experiences on the major cruise lines.  Caribbean islands all seem to have forts, shopping districts, and beaches.  The New England/Canada route tends to become repetitive after a couple of sailings.  And the Alaska route could have a "been there, done that" feel after a cruise there.  Hawaii stands out only because of the travel needed to reach these islands in the middle of the pacific.  And yet, it's not a cruise that may hold one's interest after a second trip. So, it'll be a good thing to expand my horizons and travel further afield.

- - - - - -

Being busy may mean different things to different people.  To me, being busy is more the idea of keeping one's mind occupied than one's body occupied.  I keep myself busy by planning trips and writing about my experiences - especially those regarding life as a transgender person.  As long as I have things to look forward to, I hope to keep myself busy by preparing for those things to happen. It should be a good time....

Catching up with my friend Maria - A Short Post

 

Maria and I have known each other for almost 35 years, me being there for her as a friend during times good and bad.  Compared to my life, hers hasn't been that easy.  She has had to rebuild her financial life after being laid off by a major firm (for which she had grounds to sue, details which I won't go into here), through a change of career, then through both divorce and widowhood.

Recently, we found time to get together in spite of her busy schedule. As usual, I met her in Marian mode, though she knows me from my days solely as Mario.  She is comfortable with me in both modes, and I'm glad I can be my true self with her. This time, I did most of the talking, telling her about my Hawaii trip, including all of the craziness related to air travel.  However, I did get to mention my Vlog/Blog idea, and she thought it made sense.  So I will continue to write up my notes to prepare for the Vlog/Blog and try ideas out on both Maria and RQS when I'm ready to go.

One of the things Maria and I discussed was travel, specifically her ability to travel.  Her dog just passed away, freeing her to do things away from home.  If I wasn't attached to RQS, Maria and I could go on trips together with me traveling as Marian all the time.  But I am attached to RQS, and I'm glad this is so.  Yet, if things change - Maria will be the first person I choose to be a new travel partner (and not as a romantic interest).

 

Sometimes, being transgender can be quite boring.

One thing I tell most newly "out" transgender people (or, those who are thinking of coming "out") is that living as one's true gender does not erase any problem one is having.  If one is having family problems, living authentically may only make things worse.  (In the case of one TG woman I know, living an authentic life forced her into poverty, and put walls up between her and her family.)  But what should a TG person do?  Should one live a lie, and preserve a family and a career?  Or, should one make the decision to be authentic, and risk losing many of the things we value most?

As readers of this (and my previous) blog know, I lost a love (in part) because of my transgender nature.  I also found out what a former friend really thought of me, with her words of anger.  At least, I know that my immediate family and close friends would have stood by me had the ex carried through on her threats. But should anyone have to risk things like this?

Many of us worry about our jobs, as a large number of TG people live in states where we are not protected (or actually harmed) by law.  One inactive blogger I know lives in one of these states.  Although her family knows that she travels en-femme, she would have little protection in her state if her management took a dislike to her for this reason.  Because of this, she is careful when she comes out of the closet.

But what happens when one has paid the price to live an authentic life?

To answer the above question, I feel that the answer is best answered by the phrase: "It Depends."  In my case, I still have my foot in both the masculine and feminine worlds.  It's a trade off I'm willing to make to have a romantic life with a good woman.  I live on a pension, soon to be supplemented by income from social security and a 401k.  Yet, if things were different when I was much younger, I'd have rather lived as Marian for most of my adult life.

Now that I'm able to go out and about, my life has grown rather mundane.  I don't have that much to talk about at times - just like a "normal" cisgender person.  I still remember my former cruise partner getting mad because I mentioned too much about her life in my former blog.  Sadly, parts of her life were like a soap opera, and it was hard to keep on the correct side of the blogging line.  So, I'm much more careful in writing this blog, knowing that I might bore people from time to time with the mundane details of my life.

So what will I be writing about in the future?

Although I will continue to write about my mundane life, I will also be writing about my travels.  Some of these travels will be as Marian.  And other travels will be as Mario.  Hopefully, I will be able to continue my travels to more and more places and provide my readers with interesting stories based on my adventures along the way.

By the time you read this, I will be home

 

This is the route of the cruise I am about to take.  By the time you see this post, I will be home and beginning to write entries to log what I did on my trip. But I am writing this entry on the day before I start on my bucket list trip.

- - - - - -

I figure that I will again leave my comfort zone by trying to "fly pretty".  Kim has documented many of her travels in her blog, "Traveling Transgender".  Sadly, she has not flown pretty to often lately, as life has happened while she was making other plans.  Hopefully, she will again be able to do so.  But if not, I will still be able to thank her for showing me that I can live the way I want if I am willing to make the sacrifices to do so.

Given that I still have an issue with how the airline has recorded my reservation, I still may have problems with Airport Security - even though I am a trusted traveler.  I hate the fact that the full version of my name is very masculine, when the familiar version of the name is good for both genders.  If I continue along this path of femininity, I will likely change my name to the familiar version of the name and look to have unisex versions of my image on my legal ids.

Relaxation will be impossible until I am in Honolulu.  Once there, I will be able to have fun.  Until then, I'll try to deal with the little things as they come at me, as it's all I can do to preserve my sanity when I'm nervous....

Sometimes, I skip a day or two of blogging

Unlike many people, I do have a life outside of blogging.  It may not be much of a life (as FCP would likely hector me now if we were talking to each other), but it is my life.

- - - - - -

Lately, RQS and I have been discussing taking a cruise together.  But before I book such a cruise, I have to know whether she can accept me in Marian Mode as well as in the Mario Mode which she is accustomed to seeing me present myself.  And this means that RQS will finally get to see, in person, me presenting myself as a female.

Yet, this isn't getting in the way of my blogging.  Instead, it's because I am exhausted at the end of my work day.  This is also the reason I haven't been able to clean up my apartment in the way I'd like to.  Luckily, I've had a little free time in which I had the energy to do something, and I did just that.  Yes, it's just a start.  But it is some meaningful movement in the right direction.

Tonight, I had planned to do a big of cleaning in the living room.  Did I do it?  Not much.  But I did accomplish something that made things look like I could get the mess cleaned in a big Friday night session.  And if I didn't have to look at my computer before going to sleep, I wouldn't have even written this much....

I woke up and found I said nothing

 

Lately, I've been trying to find something to say for each day.  However, Blogger has a nasty habit of leaving the wrong day in the date field even after a publish date has been set for an entry.  As a result of this glitch (they may call it a feature), I woke up to find that nothing posted today - something I had to rectify with this short post,

- - - - - -

As I write this, I have a documentary about Jerry Lewis on in the background. The French love him as a performer - I don't.  No accounting for their taste.  But then, I feel that one sentence best covers their only two positive attributes: "They know how and what to eat."  Yet, I can say that Lewis put in one good performance in his career - the movie "Boeing Boeing".  And even more importantly, he did raise a lot of money for charity.  

Over this weekend, I've been struck with a marvelous lack of energy - and a revelation: I need external reasons to get up and be active.  This might be the reason I've tried to stick at this boring job I do during the week.  I miss having someone to be with.  But it's better than being with the wrong person.

- - - - - -

Today, I plan to take care of some errands to keep myself busy.  I'm not sure if I will do it in Marian or Mario mode.  Either way, I'm going to get some sunshine while I can do so.  And on that note, I'll see you tomorrow....

Something I have to say....

 

There is a reason I chose this picture to lead off an entry in this blog.  Only the person who I hope reads this will understand why it is here....

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Recently, I received  a communication from someone who will remain nameless and faceless - as desired by that person.  It was a picture that was sent in response to this post ("An acquaintance has cancer"), saying it was a favor.  The friend I was with when I received this picture interpreted this communication as something other than a favor, confirming my read on things. (I could have been totally wrong on intent.  So I hope this person understands why I felt this way.)  Without going into any more details than this, I hope this person and her friend had a great time at their gathering.

Unfortunately, my actions in the past hurt this person very much, and all I can do anymore is to say "I'm Sorry".  Sadly, I feel that it will never be enough for her. This is a place where I burnt a bridge without meaning to, and nothing I can do or say can help alleviate this person's pain.  There are only so many "Mea Culpas" one can say before one stops caring to say "I'm Sorry" to someone who has been wronged.  One can only wear a Hair Shirt for just so long....

- - - - - -

In regard to another person who will also go nameless and faceless, I got to thinking that this person hurt me without meaning to.  An action noted in a statement of hers  in a recent conversation echoed an action that could have originally been her way of trying to get my attention, and it backfired big time.  Again, with things playing out the way they did, I'm not sure if anything much can be done to bridge more of the gap between us.  It'd take much more work from both of us to do that, and I haven't yet seen or heard what's needed from her if she wants to take the next step towards a solid friendship.  (Yet, I can hope this happens.)

- - - - - -

In both cases, there was cause for a person to feel betrayed.  And in both cases, things blew up and got out of control.  In the recent case, I only saw this picture with negative intent.  It might have been better had it not been sent, as the messages exchanged afterwards brought up ill feelings for both of us.  Yet, when I think about it, this was a case of two people who didn't trust each other, both finding out that after a negative incident that relearning how to trust a person and their motives can and will take some time.  It's never easy to cut a person some slack after a lot of hurt feelings.

 

 

 

PS: I hope that both people referenced here won't get too upset at my mention of this picture and the associated text messages....

 

 

I found out that someone reads my blog on occasion

 

 

  

Ever have someone pop back into your life, pull their typical nasty shit then pop out again? Boy, it seriously makes me want to play wack-a-mole. 

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But seriously....

Recently, in response to one of my posts, a former friend wrote a nasty comment which I will not display here.  Any mention of her that I have made in this blog does not mention her name, show her picture (with a discernible face), or say anything about her personal life.  I will freely admit that I talked a little too much in the past about things that shouldn't have been mentioned. So, do I erase her existence from my past?  To answer my own question, I will not erase the fact that she existed, but I will reference the past if only to note my mistakes in life - especially regarding her.  And if she doesn't like it, she can send an email directly to me to tell me what objections she has. If her complaint is reasonable to me, I will perform some edits to the blog. Although we will never be friends again, I will do this as a courtesy, and nothing more than that.

In regard to another person, I felt that any mention of a dispute that we had was fair game, as long as I stated things from my point of view.  At least, with this person in this blog, there is no mention of her name, no showing of her picture, no identification of her business.  But I was asked not to talk about our conversation in this forum, and I complied for reasons I will not discuss here..  (This may be the only time I reference the discussion here - for obvious reasons.) 

- - - - - -

Today, I went to the office knowing that I'd be directly hired by the firm to do the job I'm already doing through an agency.  I would now become a direct employee, eligible for benefits.   But to do this, I'd have to show my male ID in a place where I've always presented as female.  So, I went into the office with an almost unnoticeable nervousness (if you could even call it that) regarding the unknown.  But I needn't have had any concerns - I was treated professionally by the lady in HR.  

As I get older, the more I find that people in the Northeast will generally treat a transgender person with respect, as long as that person exudes a sense of self confidence.  Yes, your mileage will vary, as old commercials used to say. But a smile at the right person, a kindly word at the right time, and a helpful gesture can go a long way towards being accepted.

A while back, I met another trans person at the LGBT center in White Plains.  This person came up to me and said I was an inspiration that helped this person with the first stages of transition.  (I avoid citing gender here, as I don't remember which direction of transition this person was on.)   At least, I can say that I made a positive contribution to one person's life.

- - - - - -

But I still wonder. Is there anyone else that I inspire?

 

I've been writing less often for a few days, and it feels good.

 

Most of the time, I used to post what came to mind - and I crossed the line into revealing things about others which should have stayed private.  I lost FCP as a friend because of this, and at least one more person because I did this.  So I've been giving this blog a little bit of a rest lately.

Although I had a good weekend, I don't feel pressured to write about it.  However, I did get one thought.  In one conversation, something involving Mother's Day came up.  If the weather is nice, and I have a little bit of luck, I plan on doing something nice for someone who may just need something nice and who doesn't dream that I would do that something nice.  And while doing that something nice for someone, I will do something nice for me and take a nice day trip to Cooperstown.

I think I'm going to cut back on the frequency of this blog ...soon.

 

The above is a picture of me in happier days.  I had gotten my first job (part time) where I could work as Marian, FCP was a good friend, and my ex wasn't an ex then.  Things were looking up for me in the year before Covid-19 struck.

In the almost 2 years since the above photo was taken, my life has turned upside down.  Things I shouldn't have said turned FCP into someone who hates me, the ex became an ex (I don't think she'd mind that simple reference), and my father died during the pandemic.  About the only good thing left to me from that era was the ability to work as Marian.

We are far from being back to normal.  Meetup groups are slowly opening up to in-person gatherings.  And I am dating again (as Mario), hoping to find someone who fits me better than my last partner.  Now that I am working full time as Marian, I don't have the time to keep up with my friends, nor do I have as much time (or energy) to post entries on a daily basis.  So if I skip a day or two, I hope my loyal readers will understand....

Do I really say too much about my friends?

 

I think I may have lost a second friend due to my blogging.  I can understand how I lost the first one.  The second one was a friendship I was trying to rebuild, and said too much about.  Now, I'm getting the silent treatment.  Will it ever end?  Who knows?

Most of my readers know that my life has been an open book.  Too bad that I often forget that other people are not like me.  In the case of one person, it is something she feels I should have learned from prior experience.  In this case, another friend would agree with this person.  If I could do a Mea Culpa, Mea Culpa, Mea Maxima Culpa, I'd do so.  Yet, that will not erase the past.

Does this second person have a right to complain?  Probably.  Yet, I never meant to get her upset.  Seems like no matter what I do, things come out the wrong way these days.

- - - - - - -

When I used to talk about the former cruise partner (FCP) in the previous blog, I said more than a friend should say about another.  I couldn't shut down my old blog quick enough.  And with her screaming, I didn't.  I lost a friend forever.  Yet, I don't miss her that much.  There was way too much drama in her life for me to deal with. But this still leaves me with one important question:

If I'm losing friends because of this blog, why am I still writing it?

There are times I think about the failures in my life

 

There are times I think about the failures in my life.  One of those failures was my inability to realize how much I loved my wife before she died, and not to say "I Love You" when she was alive. Another set of failures was related to my relationship with my most recent (ex) girlfriend. I never told her how much I cared for her before we broke up.  Nor did I sense we were growing apart, even though she was signaling just the opposite.  It's been about 6 months since we were last in contact, and she's just a lingering memory of things that shouldn't have been.

Occasionally, a person should ask him/herself - what would I do differently if I could live my life over again?  In my case, I'd have told my wife that I loved her very much, and do it often. When thinking about my ex, I wouldn't have gotten back together with her the first time we broke up, and I would have tried to have the type of friendship that I have with Vicki. I made a lot of mistakes with this lady, and I wish I hadn't spent the better part of 5 years with her in a romantic relationship, when we would have been better off as close friends..

But I don't want to dwell on matters of lost love.  

There is so much more that I'd want to change if I could.  To many, I could be considered a success.  I own my place free and clear, and I have enough resources to last the rest of my life if I am careful with those resources. Yet, I look at myself as a successful failure.  If I had been able to deal with anger issues earlier in my life, I'd have been able to build better friendships, have better romances, and have been much more successful in my career.  If I could tell the 21 year old version of me anything, I'd advise myself to find a good therapist before I got serious with any woman, and before I wasted time in my early career positions.  Although my life would likely have been extremely different from the one I lived, I think I would have been much more successful than I am now.  (And no, I don't mean just financial success.  I also mean that I'd have better and more fulfilling relationships with people.)  Yet, I have few regrets about the life I've lived.

When I think about my career, I was lucky to avoid going for the big bucks when I didn't have the maturity to invest in myself.  Once I developed the basic skills to make a good living, I didn't maintain a saleable skill set to preserve the marketability of my skills.  Yet, I was able to stay at a firm for 30 years, and earn a decent pension while I was able to do so.  This would not have happened had I jumped around for short term money, as I did at the beginning of my career.

If I had chosen to write this blog with the benefit of foresight, I'd have revealed less about some people in my life.  For example, I would have been much more careful about what I wrote - especially when it came to an ex-girlfriend and an ex-cruise partner.  (Long time readers of my blogs know who I mean when I mention them.) Regarding the ex-girlfriend, I would have been less aggressive about pursuing my interests. And regarding the ex cruise partner, the other day, she must have "butt dialed" me.  She didn't respond to an olive branch I sent her in response.  Just as well.  Vicki says that it was a mistake to send out the olive branch.  And she's probably right.

There is one other regret, and this regards a reader of this blog.  I only had the opportunity to meet her once.  Unfortunately, things got in the way for the two of us, and we were never able to meet again.  Sadly, she no longer lives near here, and meeting with her is virtually impossible. Hopefully, I will be able to see her again.

 

 

 

 

 

Sometimes, I find people amazing. Today was one of these days.

Without mentioning names, someone from my past called me today.  No, it was not an ex of any type.  Instead, it was someone who dropped out of contact for reasons connected to exes of one sort or another.

Chatting with this acquaintance reminded me of why I found chatting with this person to be awkward.  This person is not that sensitive to social cues, and one has to perform abrupt conversational breaks to get words in edgewise.  But I wonder why this person came out of the woodwork now.  And I have my guesses that I won't publish here.

- - - - - -

I got to exchange messages with the 3 women I've dated recently.  Let's call them #1, #2, and #3 for now.  I've dated #1 several times, and she has commented on my lack of PDA.  Thinking back, I don't remember seeing my dad hold my mom's hand, and I think that's where I get part of my awkward style with women. There is one potential show stopper - she doesn't drive, and would need to use mass transit to reach me. I've dated #2 twice, and it looks like we'll get together again next week.  This is the woman who has met me while I'm presenting as female.  She's a decent woman, and I haven't detected any show stoppers - save that she has had dental problems.  Lastly, I dated #3 once, and she would normally have the most promise in a world where I were not transgender. She's pretty goal oriented in dating me (for lack of a better expression) and I think she might be OK when finding out about my nature.

- - - - - -

This week, I've been going to work in the evening, taking Friday off to take TCL to the hospital for a minor procedure.  While at work, I had the chance to chat with one of my coworkers, and she mentioned the possibility of working from home with the folks from her primary job.  Would I be interested?  Probably.  But it's all a matter of how much work I want to do.  And therein lies the question - how much work do I really want to do?

While at the office, I decided to take a break and go outside to connect with my friends in Texas.  I haven't been able to participate in the Zoom meetup for a while, and figured that things were slow enough to spend 15 minutes chatting with the group.  And, of course, I was in rare form.  Too bad that one woman I dated could never see this side of me bloom.

I figure that my current publishing schedule works for me right now.  No longer do I need to rush to the computer to write my daily posts - I know that my most recent ex was a little peeved at me spending as much time as I did near a computer.  And I'll bet that whoever is next in my life will want to be a little more touchy-feely than I was in my prior relationships.  (This is one of woman #1's complaints she voiced to me this morning.)  So, cutting back on blog posts may be an inexpensive part of the price I have to pay to have a better relationship than I had for the past few years.

- - - - - -

As much as I find people strange, I accept most people for what they are - flawed, and a little insane - just like me.  I miss a few of the people who have passed through my life. But I don't miss the "Sturm und Drang" that I had to deal with to get to this point in life. 

Sadness about a poor investment of time - and more.

The other day, I decided to let go of my past. Specifically, I decided to treat my past with XGFJ as a bad investment of 5 years of my life, and to make sure that I move on without any further comments from this peanut gallery. To do this, I sent the following email:

I just wanted to let you know that I was going to do you one last favor. Instead of going to the meetup on the 18th that you bailed out on, I was going to change my plans and go elsewhere to have a good time. I'd rather remember you for the person I thought you were, then the person you became in my eyes. Seeing you there would have only made me feel that I wasted 5 years of my life caring for someone who couldn't bear to let go of me earlier than she did. I was in your position once, and it took me 8 years to let go of Ex-GF-M. I only wish I could have done that sooner, and not caused Ex-GF-M as much pain as I did when I let go of her. Strangely enough, Ex-GF-M and I ended up becoming friends again towards the end of her life. That is something I can be happy about.

Earlier this month, I wrote to you to say that I'm sorry for my part in our dispute regarding meetups. Your response, perfectly timed to upset me on my birthday, showed a lot of unresolved feelings about our past. I feel that upsetting me was your plan, even though I tried to bury the hatchet one last time. For the past several months, if I thought of you, it was only in the present tense and in regard to the meetup groups. I no longer feel anything (save infrequent sadness and loss) for the 5 years we were together. In order to finish my process of letting go, I forgive you for causing me pain and discomfort. Forgiveness will help me move on to a much better relationship than the one we had.

It might surprise you to hear me say that you were right - we must come to an agreement in regard to the meetup groups. In the unlikely event that I choose to go to your dinner group, I will go as Mario as you wanted. However, that leaves the other groups open. Marian will choose to go to those groups as she sees fit, as I am known as Marian in these groups. My attempts to register for a meeting of any shared group was simply to get in while there was still room, and not have to be on the wait list. I was not out to prevent you from going to these groups' meetings - they are open to the public upon registration.. Right now, I certainly don't want to see you when I go, and you certainly don't want to see me. If there is a good way to do this while sharing the groups, I'd like to hear of it.

No response regarding our past is needed or wanted. I miss the friendship part of our relationship, and I'd bet that you do too. Sadly, that chapter in our lives was over and done with when we couldn't come to an agreement about the meetup groups. I will always treat you with respect if/when our paths happen to intersect.

Although XGFJ sent me a curt response to tell me that her mom may have been exposed to COVID and that I sent a quick, one sentence reply to wish her mom a speedy recovery, this may likely be my last communication with her.  In order to move on, I had to accept that it was a poor investment of 5 years to care for a person who didn't have the sense of ethics I needed in a love interest. If you were to read both my short term blog (which is not accessible to the public) and some of this blog, you'd have seen that I was angry at XGFJ due to her refusal to share several meetup groups. The isolation of the pandemic made things much worse for me.  Although I never betrayed XGFJ, I did make her aware that I would do so if needed after her threat to betray me in a Facebook chat.  So she acted first, and betrayed me twice, by outing me to several friends in her circle.  It is due to this lack of ethics that I consider the 5 years we spent together as wasted time.

Recently, I talked with one of the one of the two Clinical Social Workers I've dated recently.  When I discussed the note above, she mentioned that XGFJ must have at least one of the "3 S's" to have such an extreme aversion to Marian - Sad, Scared, and Shamed.  I know she must have been sad at one point.  And I know that she was ashamed to be associated with Marian.  Even more, I'd bet that she was scared that others would find out about our connection.  When we first met, I introduced XGFJ to the polyamorous people who taught me that good communication and honest negotiation was essential for healthy relationships. Sadly, I had grown over the years that I dated XGFJ, but she didn't grow along with me. And this conversation with a friend only confirmed this feeling.

I doubt that I will have anything more to say about XGFJ in future posts.  I'll be surprised if she were to respond to the above email with anything worth reading. Her recent emails lead me to think that she had many repressed complaints about me that she never brought up properly while in our relationship.  I was only aware of one or two - only after it was way too late to change things while in the relationship.  In many ways, her complaints about our relationship were too little, too late.  And now, they only can serve as things to watch out for in future relationships.

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One of the things XGFJ brought up in her laundry list of complaints was that I had already started dating before the pandemic locked things up for a while. Although the first woman I dated was a nice person, it didn't work out. She knew up front that she couldn't deal with my nature. And I respect her for letting me know this up front, instead of taking several years to figure this out.  Now that I've dated someone nice, I'm hoping I won't have the same reaction when I tell her about the other side of me.  But I'll always wonder - in her heart, did XGFJ feel that like a previous pause in our relationship, that we'd still be friends long enough to reawaken a romance?  There were several things she said in our message exchanges that lead me to believe that this could have been the case.  Sadly, once we had our arguments over the meetup groups, this could no longer be the case - I had to move on with my life and only hope that we could be friends someday.  My romantic needs would have to be filled elsewhere, and reopening my dating site accounts would be something I needed to do.

The pandemic is getting in the way of socialization.  Many people may be scared of dating, knowing how bad COVID is, and would rather stayed hunkered up at home until things pass.  Others are afraid to have outdoor meals with small groups of friends, much less with meals eaten inside restaurants running with 50% of indoor capacity due to COVID restrictions. Many churches have not reopened for public services, nor have many non-profits opened for in-person business.  Until there is a vaccine, or that the virus has been subdued nationwide to the degree it has been subdued in upstate New York, people will rightfully be scared to associate with others in person.  

Right now, I am feeling a little sad, as my life is not firing on all of its cylinders. I am glad that I know that things will get better for me in the future. I hope that the COVID scare regarding her mom is a false alarm.  If not, I hope that she recovers and lives to be 100. But I will not bother to find out more. The friendship with XGFJ was over the day she made a big stink about the meetups, and I wish her the best. Most of all, I hope to find someone who can accept me in my bi-gendered nature and appreciate what we have in each other.  It would be nice to have someone who loves me for who I am, and not for an idealistic image of a person I could never be.   

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I woke up early this morning, and started to write.

Today was going to be an unscheduled day in the middle of days where lots of things were marked on my calendar.  So I decided to write another entry to be made public on a weekend, so that I'd have the freedom NOT to write about anything and yet have something for people to read that day.

Unlike my last blog, I don't intend to have 20 canned entries waiting to be published on days I can't write anything of interest.  Often, I let many of these pre-written entries go stale, and then had to perform major surgery on them to bring them up to date.  Then, still more were unfit for publishing because what was true at the time was made false by events that happened after the entry was written.

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Although my alarms woke me up at the usual time, I didn't start to get moving until after noon.  Remembering that I expected a package from Amazon today, I looked out my door to find it was delivered as expected.  So I opened the package, and wrapped the locking diary for Thursday night.  I expect that both parents and the girl receiving the diary will be very happy to see this Xmas gift.  As for their son, he'll get a gift card from Barnes and Noble, along with a package of Goldfish crackers.  (He said, "anything with goldfish", and his mom said my idea was perfect.)

Very soon, I'll have to shift my alarms to wake me up 2 hours earlier than they do now.  I expect that the census job will keep me busy, and that I'll want to keep working when this job ends.  So I'll make sure that I keep a record of what I'm doing, but make sure to reveal none of the data which I will be prohibited from revealing after I'm gone.

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Since this is the season where I know that I'll both overeat and have excess food around the house, I had to develop a plan to keep from gaining too much weight.  After my uncle sent his yearly Xmas gift of fruit and snacks, I knew that much of the snack stuff would have to leave my apartment, lest it go to my stomach.  So I separated the fruit from the snacks, and packaged the snacks to go to this Thursday's game night meetup. 

When I finally got around to eating something other than snacks today, I ended up cooking some frozen lasagna.  Finally getting around to cooking this freezer staple allowed me to put some larger pre-made meals (for more than one person) in the freezer, so that they do not go to waste (or waist).  Thankfully, I had suspended my Freshly subscription until January 2020, or I'd not have the space in my freezer for the 2 packages.  I'm trying to have healthy food and snacks available to me when I want to nosh on something, and to have everything else inconvenient enough for me, so that I think twice before eating anything.

My New Blog

Many of you know me from my previous blog.  However, due to situations beyond my control, I am shifting my posts to this blog, as I can not remove all references to certain people from my old blog.

Although I will be posting entries on a regular basis, I will not be making daily posts.  Finding the time to write entries when I am very busy (such as on weekends) has proven to be a big headache for me.  Instead, I will chronicle the events in my life, especially where my transgender nature is involved.

Unlike many bloggers, I plan to have my posts show up at least one week after the events have occurred.  This way, I have the time to edit them for clarity and to make sure that I do not invade anyone's privacy.  This is one mistake I made in the old blog, and one I intend to avoid in this one.  It's too easy to lose a friend or two when writing in a diary format, and I don't want to lose any more friends because of my blogging.