I keep making lists, but nothing comes of them.

 

One of the things I do at work each day while not looking at a computer screen is to make a list of things to buy and things to accomplish.  Some of these lists I make involve things I need to do now, and other things I need to do in the future- such as blogging about my future vaccinations.  This helps to keep my mind focused enough to get through the day at work, and to help set my priorities for the near future.

Some of the things on these lists involve people I want to call, so that I can arrange my social schedule for the next couple of weeks.  This can involve setting up an occasional date or two. Other things involve cooking, and and the ingredients I have at hand.  Often, I plan to buy salad and eat it, but I never get around to it. Other times, I plan to cook some pudding, but I never get around to it - the milk I have in the ice box always seems to go to waste. Very little of these things to do and things to buy ever get checked off.

With this being said, I feel that making these lists is a good thing, as I know what my priorities are.  The things I did not buy or did not do are not that important at the moment, but the ones I checked off the list were the ones that were needed to be taken care of most. 

So I will continue to make my lists and see what happens next.

Things are starting to open up again - somewhere.

 

Last night, I found that my friends in Texas were about to have their first in-person meeting in a while.  Sadly, this means that our Zoom Meetups will likely be ending soon.  That saddens me, as I see this happening in New York as well, and I've been blackballed from a group that I would have liked to attend in either of my modes.  Such is life.

Eventually, other venues will open up as well.  I can't dwell on the past, as it is long gone.  There are things that I'd do differently if I had the chance to do a "redo" on 2020.   But that's not realistic.  When I asked a question of the ex, "what would she do differently?", she avoided answering the question.  I can only infer only one thing from her actions of last year: she didn't want to deal with me in either presentation at a meetup group), and didn't care about how she accomplished this.  She could have gotten what she really wanted with less pain had she been willing to communicatet and negotiate, but that' didn't happen.  Her "nastygram" on the morning of my birthday showed her real self -  someone who doesn't worry about the degree of pain she inflicts on others when she's pursuing a goal of her own.  (I know she will think differently from me on this.  Last year's dispute was proof that she wanted me as far away from her group(s) as possible and didn't care how she'd keep me away.)

But enough about the ex.  I've given her way too much headspace lately. There are other, more important things I'm concerned with right now - such as getting vaccinated against Covid-19.  Now that things have opened up even more, I figure that I'll try to score an earlier appointment than what I have now.  I want to be "fully protected" before summer comes.  Of course, I have taxes to file, and it looks like last year's withholding game plan worked - over withhold by 10%, and that should cover progressive taxes on income from sources other than the census.  So I'll do the same for this years income from the new job, and withhold taxes with the assumption that I'll be there until year end.

I still have a big vacation to plan.  However, to take it means that I will likely have to leave my job, or accept unpaid time off.  (I'd accept the latter option if I could get it.)  You'll note that I've made the assumption that I'll remain on this job until then.   But any job I can joke about in the way I do is likely to be too mind numbing to stay there too long.  I need something that occupies my mind, and only so much vacation planning can be done in my head at work.

At least one good thing has happened so far due to the loosening of pandemic restrictions. I have been able to schedule a get together with the new friend I made at the Zoom Meetup the other day.  She only knows me as Marian, and that's how I intend to keep it for now.

 

It's hard to believe how much things have changed.

There's a certain timeless twisted quality in the movie UHF that defies description.  It's a great spoof of the nature of (then) UHF TV, where most stations made their money by showing reruns.  Today, all broadcast TV is digital, and there is no physical difference between what were UHF stations, and the original VHF stations - they all share the same area of spectrum reserved for broadcast TV signals.  Yet, when one gets past the technology used to deliver media to people, the gags still work. In the image above, the man at the right is asking for "change"  One man gives him a penny (later found to be a valuable 1909-S VDB penny), while Weird Al's character gives him $1.00 in change, and receives a $1.00 bill in exchange for it.  "Change?" My favorite gag from the film involves a shipment of Badgers for "Raul's Wild Kingdom."  When Raul sees the Badgers, he says: "Badgers?  Badgers?  We don't need no stinking Badgers!"  Raul's show stinks, but it's popular - just like many UHF shows of the past.

Why do I mention "Change?"  Well, I never thought I'd be working in female mode.  Now, I'm employed for the second time as Marian.  If I had been able to get another technology job, I'd have worked as Mario.  But, since these jobs are not open to me right now, why not work as a female and enjoy how many people react to me? If the ex had stayed in my life, I never would have taken this step - romance was always more important to me.  She never understood that, and never will. But that's water under the bridge now.

Because of my new job, I have started wearing clothing more typical of the average American female.  Instead of wearing dresses all the time, I'm wearing tunics with leggings, or long sweaters over trouser like garments.  I seem to be blending in better than I did in the past.  I truly have a foot in each of the male and female worlds.  And this is a good thing....

 

Monday, Monday....

It was Monday, and it's back to work.  I'm getting good at sleeping until almost 6 am, but there are times where I still wake up too early.  However, I've noticed that more traffic is on Route 9a these days, and this will likely be a factor in when I eventually decide to leave this job.

- - - - - -

As usual, I showered, shaved, put on my makeup and left for work at 7:15.  Now, that's not early enough to guarantee that I can stop at the local deli, order a sausage & egg sandwich, and get to work on time.  So I've shifted my deli to one 15 minutes closer to work, and past the Southbound Route 9a traffic jam on the road between Croton and Briarclff Manor.  Luckily, they make a good sandwich, and I get in and out quick enough to make it to work and have a cup of coffee before clocking in.

In an email conversation with the ex, she brought up the fact that living as Marian was my goal.  What she didn't recognize is that I would have sacrificed future progress on this goal to have romance.  Alas, this was not to be - with her.  Strangely enough, I received a call from my accountant this evening to tell me NOT to file my 2020 tax return until I receive my $1400 stimulus check, as I earned too much in tax year 2020 to qualify for a payment.  I mentioned some of the events from the past, and my accountant was incensed. One can make threats of someone, but not ones that can negatively affect a family.  But enough of that.  That problem is in the past  I'm looking towards the future and forgiven the people in my past.

I find it amazing how much time one can waste watching TV.  If I had a brain (and I'm not sure if I do), I'd toss the vidiot boxes out and go back to reading books and listening to radio.  There was a list of 15 things to do in my bag, and I only took care of two of them.  It could be worse....

All I really wanted to do is stay in bed all day

 

As nice as the weather may have been this morning, I wanted to stay in bed and binge watch TV all day.  And that is what I did until almost 5 pm.  (I didn't react well to "Springing Forward" and rather "Fall Back" to a standard time again.)

In the recent past, I used to binge watch "Lucifer" when I had hours to kill and nothing much else to do.  Now, I've been watching "Gotham", and wonder what the show runners would do next.  However, I think I'm getting to the end of what I want to see, as I'm noticing a repetition of theme that indicates that a show should be closed down.

I am a fan of Melissa Hunter's Youtube series, Adult Wednesday Addams.  It's a shame that the Charles and Tee Addams Foundation stopped this woman from making a very enjoyable series with the Wednesday Addams character.  It had better writing than most TV shows, including some that my uncle (who I will not name here) had worked on.  Recently, it was announced that Tim Burton is working on a series to be shown on Netflix which features Wednesday Addams, but I don't think it will be half as creative as the Youtube series was.  In any case, I will watch the show at least once to see if I like it. 

Sadly, one of the shows I loved from 20+ years ago is not available online (as of now).  Midnight Caller's first two seasons were good TV, and I wish I could find the whole series on Netflix or some other streaming service.  Hopefully, that will change soon.  At least, I can find most of the episodes somewhere if I really want to watch them.

Enough of TV for now.  I have to finish my laundry and then get ready for sleep....

 

Commenting on a conversation with Vicki

 

As many of my readers know, I have a job that can be done by a trained monkey for peanuts.  Since they already pay peanuts to us humans anyway, it isn't worth the personnel costs to switch over to a non-human labor force.  Nor do they want to deal with PETA for the mistreatment of animals....

- - - - - -

A job like I have doesn't call for much mental horsepower.  This means I have way too much time to think, and the wrong things have been occupying my headspace.  So I have to work on changing things as much as possible. And that may mean that I will have to look for a new job sooner than I'd like to do so.

This was not the most comfortable conversation I've had with Vicki, as she had more anger than I have had regarding events of the past year.  In certain ways, it feels like I'm being gaslighted because some of my observations and comments in conversations with another person are not triggering a response acknowledging some responsibility for mutual problems. Vicki notices that, and will not let go of her anger towards this person.  At least, I know that I can always count on Vicki to tell me the truth as she sees it - and we've never been in the sort of ambiguous situation where logic would imply one thing, but facts presented would imply something else. 

Eventually, she will move from her current home, and I will miss her dearly.  This date will come way too soon....

It's a little depressing to think that one can't go home again.

 

It's strange.  Now that things are opening up again, I'm not really sure that I want to bother with most meetups anymore.  I think that last year's scuffle with the ex made me feel this way.

- - - - - -

The thing that 2020 taught me was that most people aren't worth knowing.  WDJ only cared about me when there was a little bit of gossip that I could share with her.  Once I had problems with the ex, she took the side of the ex - and that ended what friendship we had.  Luckily, I was never that close to WDJ, nor did I consider her someone worth staying in contact with during the worst of the pandemic.

Unfortunately, my feelings about the pandemic, the ex and our overlapping circle of acquaintances discourages me from wanting to resume connections with these people. I simply don't feel I'd enjoy getting together with them anymore - I'm looking to build better friendships than I've been able to build with the folks from these groups.  Sometimes, I ask - is it me?  But I think it's something different - if one is a square peg, the round hole won't accept you.

- - - - - -

It's a little depressing to think that one can't go home again, but that's the way I feel.  I lost way too much just before and during the pandemic to want to revisit people and places that once brought me happiness.  Instead, I want to find people, places, and things which have much more meaning to me.  For example, it'd be nice if I could build a new friendship with the ex.  No, I don't want romance - that involves communication, negotiation, and compromise: three things we couldn't do with each other that well.  Sadly for her, her inability to be assertive in seeing that her needs were met made it impossible for me to address her needs.  I can still remember her asking: "Did you want for me to be bitchy?"  What she didn't recognize was that there is a different between being abusive/aggressive and being assertive.  I wanted her to tell me what she felt, what she needed, and suggest ways we could address those needs.  I would have been there for her if she communicated her needs to me in ways that I could understand. But that's water under the bridge.  I still like her, so I figure it worth the effort to see if we can be good friends instead of just chat buddies.

I won't rehash what the ex did to me right now, as I figure that I might have hurt her just as much in different ways.   I hurt my former cruise partner (FCP) even worse without intending to do so. But when someone demands something of me without leaving me some wiggle room for my needs, I fight back.  There are things I miss about her, and things I don't miss.  Given how badly she probably feels about me now, I know I will never hear from her again.  But then, she can be a vindictive person, so it's best to avoid someone who can be so destructive when set off.

In many ways, FCP and the ex are opposite sides of the same coin.  I feel that neither knows how to communicate, negotiate, and compromise that well.  Neither has had a "successful" marriage. And neither wants what we had in the past.  Due to the pandemic, I don't miss that past that much, as I wasted much of my time in superficial relationships with people.

- - - - - -

The pandemic caused me to think a lot about the things I want from the rest of my life.  And I want the emotional closeness that true friends can share.  In regard to romance, it'd be nice to have someone who cares for me willing to share my space once in a while.  But unless I can find someone who can deal with the two sides of my nature, I doubt I'll be successful in this area. 

With the above being said, I was talking with Vicki tonight and she had her thoughts on the Ex and with FCP.  She may be right.  There are many good things that can be said about the Ex, but she was unable to deal with my TG nature.  Vicki never let go of her anger towards the ex for treating me the way she did.  Regarding FCP, she sees nothing good in this person, and admonished me to NEVER reconcile with her - even for a distant friendship.  Since there's less than a snowball's chance in hell for the friendship to resume with FCP, I have no worries in this regard. 

PS: I had another message exchange with the Ex tonight.  I won't go into details, but from how I read things, she is afraid that seeing me will trigger her feelings for me again.  She doesn't have to worry about that....