Last night, GFJ came over after hiking with her friends. Neither of us were hungry, so we sat down and watched some movies on TV. By the time we were most of the way through the last film, she wanted to have a serious conversation. I always feared something like this could come, as she isn't comfortable with the Marian side of me. Although I'd like to be Marian 24x7, there are some things I value much more than this, and being in a relationship with a loving woman like GFJ is one of them. Hopefully, she will understand this, as I would be heartbroken if she were to leave me.
By the time I hit the pillow, I knew that my sleep wouldn't be restful. Since I lost my cruising partner, I now had no one close that I could talk with about this. From having a couple of people I could confide in to none in less than a month, I was hurting inside. And the last thing I wanted to do would be to anesthetize myself with food, alcohol, or other things that dull my feelings. Grief is a bitch. But avoiding it would be worse.
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But enough of that for now....
Sunday came along with torrential rains. Even though I woke up at 7 and could have gone to church, I was not in the mood to do so. The combination of everything I've been going through over the past few weeks put me in a funk. I was not in the mood to do anything (including eating), so I hung out in the apartment and watched old movies. By the time I was ready to eat anything, it was about 5, and I scarfed down some chicken from a can. This was not the time for me to get showered and dressed, as I know I'd overeat if I went out to eat.
Will I be talking with GFJ again soon? Maybe. The one time we separated, she made the first move to reestablish contact. I'm hoping she does so again. But I won't push her - she needs time to think, and it wasn't easy for her to start last night's conversation.
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