Up last night exchanging emails

Last night, GFJ and I were exchanging emails.  Both of us were saying the types of things we should have been saying when we were a couple.  Sadly, it was too late for anything, save to figure out a way to be friends - GFJ's big issue was my growth as Marian, and a feeling that being Mario in a romantic relationship wasn't as important.  Too bad that she didn't know Sirena, Stana, Mandy, and Kim - all 4 transgender ladies have found their ways to have traditional relationships while being able to get into their non traditional roles. 

Of the 4 T-Gals I mentioned, only Sirena does not have a web page of her own.  This is probably a wise thing, as I'm not sure of how many people know about her TG identity. So, I won't go much into Sirena's background here.  Most of my readers are likely to have bumped into her on Facebook in transgender and other communities.  (I won't give any more details here - I know what she does for a living, her real name, etc., and don't want to cause her any grief.)  Stana, Mandy, and Kim all have spouses who tolerate their feminine activities. And each have had to work things out with their respective spouses.

So the big question is - can we work things out to have a friendship?  Only time will tell.

- - - - - -

For the most part, I slept the whole day away.  This was not what I should have done.  But without anything to do on my schedule, why shouldn't I stay semi conscious until game night?

Around late afternoon, I received a message from Vicki #2, asking me if I wanted Opera tickets for Saturday.  I'm always up for a good freebie, so I said Yes!  And we arranged to meet for lunch tomorrow as well.  Vicki had a birthday party to go to, and wanted to see that the tickets landed in good hands.  And that they will tomorrow afternoon. Since Vicki #1 didn't respond to my message, I called her and she said she'd come with me.  So we'll be meeting Saturday morning, taking the train into NYC, and enjoying the Opera, thanks to Vicki #2.  (I'll be sure to pay for lunch tomorrow, and then some....)

- - - - - -

There was a prescription waiting for me at the drug store.  So I ended up getting dressed as Mario just to pick it up.  By the time I had changed back into Marian mode, it was a little after 8 pm, and I knew I'd be running a little late to game night.   When I arrived in Yonkers, we had half the usual attendance.  The hostess was already in bed, as she was going down to Weashington, DC for a conference.  However, the rest of us ended up playing a couple of games until 10:30 or so.  Then it was time for me to go home and rest.

Opening the books on a new year

The new year came, and I'm glad that 2019 is now behind me. Having lost two of my best friends, I am now forced to rebuild a social network. I no longer have someone I can call at any time of day when I need someone to talk with.  This is the great loss I want to put behind me once and for all.

- - - - - -

Last night, I made a hard decision.  Do I go to the FTF meetup in New Fairfield?  Or, do I go to a special game night in Yonkers?  After some hemming and hawing, I chose game night. This was the wise decision.  Instead of being in an unfamiliar place where I didn't know anyone that well, I was in a familiar place where I was familiar with everyone. I was closer to my comfort zone, and was able to enjoy myself before driving home around 12:30 or so.

When I got home, I scheduled an email to be sent to GFJ sometime tonight.  The gist of the email is an apology and a goodbye.  I don't expect to hear from her again, so I'm letting her know that I have disconnected from her as well.  It's better that I take the time to process my grief than to dwell in past hopes that never could have been. 

- - - - - -

With the emotional maelstrom I've been dealing with for the past 3 months, I was annoyed to receive an angry email from my former cruise partner.  Thinking about things, there could be only one reason she sent it - she doesn't know how to stop feeding her anger.  After having someone like me to talk with for years, it must hurt to have no one close to confide in.  Couple this with me talking more about her than she really wanted me to talk about her in the old blog, and feelings of betrayal must make things hurt even more.

In the past, this woman told me that she was looking for a "Soul Mate".  I only looked for a "Life Partner".  There are big differences between soul mate and life partner.  Without that "someone" to fill the holes in her life, she will always feel incomplete.  Contrast this with GFJ and myself. Both of us felt reasonably complete in ourselves, wanted to share of ourselves, but didn't need each other to be whole in ourselves. Hopefully, my former cruise partner will discover something which helps her feel more whole in her life.  If so, she may be able to deal with her anger, let it drain away over time, and maybe find some true love in the process....

- - - - - -            - - - - - -            - - - - - -

I awoke on New Year's Day with nothing special to do, no one special to see.  All my New Year's greetings were exchanged the night before with nothing left over for today.  Although I could always drive down to see my dad, did I want to do so for 15-30 minutes worth of a visit?  Maybe next weekend.  Did I want to go see a movie?  Maybe.  I'd have to think about it.  But to start off my day, I chose to watch my morning TV show and to catch up on my blog reading.

It's gotten to the point where my default presentation for going out in the world is as Marian. Yet, I'm still comfortable going out as Mario. And I'd have stayed that way if GFJ had stayed in the picture.  If I'm doing anything requiring heavy activity, that requires me breaking a sweat, that will likely have me presenting as Mario.  Unless I looked more authentic as Marian, I wouldn't feel comfortable doing things like going on a hike, cleaning up the kitchen, etc. this way. I'll be stuck living life in both genders for now, unless I go for FFS surgery.  And I don't see this happening anytime soon.  (First, I'd want to find out about hair transplants to give me a more normal looking head.)  It'll be more important for me to develop my social network than to move further along this transition path.

- - - - - -

Politics is still the depressing it was last year.  Given how our president's policies have hurt the transgender community, I can only hope that a better person wins on Election Day.  Even if I wanted to work for one candidate this year, being with the census bureau will nip that in the bud.  The only political action I can participate in is to vote on Election Day.  And that's fine with me.  So don't expect me to say much here for the next few months, other than how I see issues framed.  Direct public support of any candidate will likely be against the rules for employees of the bureau.

Like many of us, I've begun to cringe whenever I hear our president speak.  It's hard to watch the news these days, because the underlying tone is much worse than I could have expected 4 years ago.  I'm not alone in thinking that 4 more years of this man in power will be a total disaster. When people other than myself are comparing this man's actions to those of a Central European Leader of the 1930's, it is easy to be frightened.  I fear the ultimate endpoint if we keep going down his path.

As I'm writing this, none of us know what will happen with the presidential impeachment.  It has yet to be delivered to the Senate.  I have a strong feeling that it will never be delivered to the upper chamber.  Why should Pelosi bother giving Trump a chance to say that he has been exonerated?  It's better for her to let him say she's chicken.  The longer the impeachment is in stasis, the more likely it is for the House to find and expose evidence that will hurt the GOP in the next election. Unless the Senate trial allows specific witnesses to be called AND has a secret ballot, the conclusion is a forgone conclusion - the Senate would acquit the president.  Why should she make the Democrats look like fools for being forced into voting yes on articles of impeachment?

- - - - - -

Later this year, I plan to go to a financial planner for a financial checkup.  For the most part, I feel that I am doing reasonably well.  Yet, I could have done better had I had my current wisdom when I was young.  Neither my niece nor my nephew will do as well as I have done. Neither of them has been able to save any money yet, and it will only get worse when they are in a position to raise children.  If there is any advice that should be given to a 20-30 year old person, the advice would be simple - skimp on luxuries and save as much as possible for your future retirement.  The formulas show that if a person saves "X" dollars per year between ages 20 and 30 then stops contributions, that person will have more money than if that person started putting away the same "X" dollars per year from ages 30 to 65.  Sadly, I can't give my younger self this advice.  But I can still advise my niece and nephew to save as much as possible, and explain why to them.

Luckily, I'm in a better position than last year regarding taxes.  I'll have paid all the money I expect to owe the government, and I will have lower estimates for this year.  However, I don't know how much of an income bump I'll have this year due to the temporary job.  Nor do I know what that will force me to pay in estimated taxes one year later.  So I plan to save half the after tax money I make from the temporary job and reserve it for taxes.

- - - - - -

Given that I had nothing to do during the day, I decided to rest in bed.  I won't have this luxury much longer.  But while I do, I'm going to take advantage of it.  If I'm in the mood later on, I'll start tearing apart the corners of my room to figure out where I put things AND to find more stuff amidst all the clutter that I can throw out. 

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

This morning, I found an email from my former cruise partner saying all sorts of nasty things about me.  To some degree, I can see some reason for short term anger.  But after 2 1/2 months, anger should dissipate - especially when that person is no longer in your life. In this case, it looks like it hasn't dissipated, and that I'm going to be hurt by an angry woman.

The email I received is a postscript to a prior blog entry, so I won't go into it here.  I feel very sad that someone can keep up this anger as long as she has.  But it's my cross to bear.  At least, I still have other friends that I can lean on when I need to do so.

- - - - - -

Seeing this email puts a lot of things into perspective right now.  By totally disconnecting from one woman as a friend, I enabled her to get into a self fueled vicious circle of boiling anger.  And when someone is angry and out of control, they lash out in whatever ways they can.  Often, they try to sabotage others - just to cause their targets pain from sources other than the one commanding the shots be taken.

No one likes seeing themselves in a harsh light.  I am no exception to that truth.  If I had things to do all over again, I would have been a little more discreet about what I wrote in the old blog.  And that blog has come back to haunt me several times lately.  It has already cost me the friendship of someone in New Jersey.  It has cost me the friendship of a former cruise partner.  And it has catalyzed the breakup with GFJ.  Could I be too open about my life (and of others' interactions with me)?  It's possible.

One friend of mine said to me recently that she's glad she didn't meet a former close friend of mine.  She doesn't want to deal with people who could hold onto anger for a long time. And I can't blame her.

- - - - - -

So when I finally got moving for the day, I decided to drive out to Paramus, where I could get a dress regularly selling for $79 for only $18 on clearance.  This was too good to be true.  So I made the drive, tried on the dress, and helped it into the trunk of my car.  (I'll try to get a picture of me in the dress soon.)  Next, I drove over to Catherine's to see if they had an "all in one" body briefer in my size.  Unfortunately, they didn't have it in a size 48.  So I did without.  (You can guess what I'll be looking for in the confines of my apartment before the New Year's Eve parties.)

PS: Lane Bryant corrected their pricing, and marked the same dress $10 higher 24 hours later.  I'm even more glad that I made the drive to Paramus when I did!

It was my first full weekend without GFJ, and I wanted someone special to be with....

 

t was the day after Xmas and GFJ dropped her bombshell.  I couldn't say that it was completely unexpected.  But 5-6 years after leaving her husband, 1 year after her divorce, GFJ started to think about what she wanted in her life in the future.  I was just a place holder until she was ready to start thinking carefully about what she'll do for the rest of her life.

When I got home, I said some very stupid things, and I knew she had to be upset from her style of texting on the other side of the connection.  So we both decided to break away for the evening, and we connected once for a very short exchange of texts - she was still hurt and still processing her feelings.  In a way this was good - she couldn't say what she needed to say in person, and I got the chance to accidentally vent before thinking about what I was saying.  We both were hurting, and in the end, it's a good thing, as it forces us to look at any friendship we will have from a different perspective.

The big thing that frustrates me is - she knew what I am going into our relationship, and kept going with me for as long as she did.  If it was love she had, she did not give me a chance to know something was wrong when I could have slowed down my journey towards being Marian. And I had opened up my heart enough to hurt a bit when she dropped her bombshell.

- - - - - -            - - - - - -            - - - - - -

On Friday, other than the short message exchange, I did nothing all day.  If it weren't for bathroom visits and the need to eat, I'd have stayed in bed all day.  This didn't mean I slept all day.  Instead, I was reading a book due back to the library on Saturday - Good Economics for Hard Times.  It's an easily readable book that examines why people do not act as pure economic models expect they'd act.

When I looked at my face in the mirror during one of my bathroom visits, I noticed a few black hairs over my upper lip.  This means I will consider going to the laser place again to get a quick zapping for these hairs.  While looking at my face, I noticed some facial dark spots from where I had the dermatologist remove the big liver spots from my face.  Since I can no longer contact my former cruise partner and ask her for a little bit of information, I guess that I'll have to do without a long delayed follow-up visit to this doctor.  (Maybe I can call the practice in Mt. Kisco and find out whether the dermatologist on staff is the same man that I saw several years ago.  Any ideas from my readers?)

Since the news is so depressing these days, I couldn't bear to watch most of the movies on cable.  The TV Westerns have started to bore me a little.  So, for noise, I've left the shopping channel on, listening to the ladies selling women's clothing.  If you want truly forgettable media on TV, this is the stuff for you. Advertising 24x7, 363 days/year.  The only 2 days the channel isn't selling things are Thanksgiving and Christmas.   You can guess how much of a funk I was in....

- - - - - -            - - - - - -            - - - - - -

Saturday came, and I ended up barely eating anything during the day.  JS had contacted me, suggesting that we go to a movie - and I said OK.  She's feeling a bit down.  Her daughter is off her meds and needs serious help.  Her son needs to find work.  And she's killing herself with a job way too far from home.

Late last night, I sent a simple, short apology to GFJ for what I said to her the other night in that message exchange.  I haven't heard from her yet, and I doubt that I will hear from her anytime soon.  Thinking a little more about the past few months with her, I feel that she was more threatened than she'd admit about me developing as Marian.  Could she risk the possibility of me breaking a promise and going 24x7?  Once she fully realized that I was developing friendships with people like JS who saw me only as Marian, this catalyzed everything that went on in her head in the last few months of our relationship.  Too bad that I hadn't picked up on this earlier - it would have made things much easier for me to deal with, even if there is no right time to do so.

If GFJ and I are no longer friends because of my stupidity, I'll hold off from going to events where she might be present.  I certainly won't go to her "weekly group" meetings out of respect for her.  But I will consider theater groups if they are on my side of the Hudson.  She was right in one respect - she is much more of an outdoors person than I am. I won't be going to any of the hiking events that she enjoys so much. (I wouldn't even know how to start.) After seeing what a tick bite that she got on her property did to her, there's no way I want to deal with that kind of problem alone.  (At least she has a network of people who can help her out in time of need - I don't, and probably never will.)

- - - - - -

But back to JS.  She's the type of person who needs good friends, but is afraid of what will happen if she takes good advice.  The financial planner she once visited told her to sell the house and immediately retire to Florida.  Her son and daughter would have to fend for themselves.  The way JS is going, she'll drive herself into the grave, only postponing the day of reckoning for her kids.

By the time I made it to Ridgefield, JS had gone to the theater and found that the movie was sold out.  Instead, we changed our plans and went to the Hunan Noodle Bar for dinner.  The Thai Curry Seafood dish I had was yummy.  If I didn't have a bite on the way over to see JS, I'd have finished it all.  Instead, I had leftovers.

JS's situation is killing her. The job she has is killing her, as she's finding out that it's not a place to be.  She may know how to run a religious school, but she doesn't know how to run her life.  Her daughter doesn't bother to refill her prescriptions, and drops off her meds when they run out. And there are no consequences - JS takes care of this and other tasks that one would expect a 21 year old to manage for herself.  How else can the daughter learn, if mommy will clean up the daughter's mess every time?

On the way home from Ridgefield, I realized that I dodged a bullet.  If I had met her as Mario, I might have considered dating her because I was lonely.  And she's the kind of needy person who can suck the life out of you if you let her do so.  Until events force her to make the hard decisions she needs to make, both JS and her daughter's situation will continue to get worse.

- - - - - -

Instead of going straight home, I took the long way back home.  Thinking back on things, I think that when I found the job working for the census bureau and intended to go in as Marian, that this helped push GFJ into thinking that I can't stop my progress towards living as Marian 24x7.  What she didn't understand (if she read my old blog) was that there was one thing that made life as Mario enjoyable - the ability to have romance.  And that was worth NOT living 24x7.  But she couldn't help but be afraid that I could continue down my path and not be Mario for her.

Since GFJ has not bothered to contact me since I sent my apology message, I plan to compose and send one last message sometime early in the new year.  Since she was crying the last time I saw her, I realize that it took her a lot more emotional energy than expected to say that things were over. So instead of saying it in person, she felt that she had to finish the job in a message.

My response to her final breakup message must have hurt her to the core - in a way, I was the third person to betray her without meaning to do so.  My last message will note that she has not gotten back to me since the other day, that I will have to assume that she no longer wants any contact.  But I will also say that if she wants me as a friend, she will have to reach out - I do not want to hurt her any more than I have done so already by making another move.

- - - - - -            - - - - - -            - - - - - -

Sunday is often called "the Lord's Day" and I had to consider whether I'd be attending church in the morning. And given how I was feeling, I decided to take a pass.  I needed to get a little more sleep, given how screwed up my sleep patterns have been lately.  Since I had a brunch appointment with my former student clinician and her supervisor, I figured I could nap for another 2 hours and still be ready for 1 pm in Rockland County.

My plans were changed again by a text message - the former student clinician's best friend got into an accident and was in a hospital upstate.  So I texted that I wouldn't be going, and suggested that we reschedule for next week.  Hopefully, the supervisor got the message - she never seems to answer my texts, yet she is in contact with the student clinician.

At the same time as the above text exchange, I got a message from JS - she still wanted to see Little Woman and get together for lunch and we agreed to do this.  I started to get ready around 1 pm, and had just come out of the shower when JS called - she had broken a tooth, and wouldn't be able to make it today.  Since I really wasn't in the mood to see her a second day in a row, I was secretly happy, yet a little sad for her.  Hopefully, she'll be able to get her mouth patched up for an affordable cost. (Knowing what I know about dental costs, it'll be another $3,000 that she can not afford to spend. I feel sorry for any man who chooses to date her.)

So, at 2 pm, I turned on the movie channel and went to sleep for another 4 hours.  This is certainly not the way I want to spend my days.  It's too soon for me to seriously go out into the dating scene.  And when I do, I'll need a strategy to deal with the fact that I am transgender and currently live two lives.  I want a companion with whom I can go through life, and it doesn't look like it will happen anytime soon.


- - - - - -


PS: I told my friend Vicki about GFJ, and she had the same thoughts as I did.  Our romance was simply something to tide her through the times she was dealing with being separated from her husband.  Once the divorce came through, she had to figure out what she really wanted from life, and I was never going to be in her plans, given a prior breakup 4 1/2 years ago. So I know NOT to expect too much from her if we were to reconnect as friends.

Do I really want stressful work?

A while back, I attend my high school's 45th anniversary reunion.  While there, I met an old acquaintance who remembered me, but who I didn't remember.  Yet, we struck it off as it we were closer than we were way back when.  And he volunteered to pass my resume on to one of my friends who could help me find a new job as a project manager.  Monday, this gentleman sent me an email. But am I really interested?  I sent the following in response to his email:

Thanks for getting back to me.   Although I am rusty, having been out of the field for 5 years, I'd be interested in getting back into the field if the right position were offered.  (I would want to do well by the firm hiring me.)  In addition to project management, mainframe programming is acceptable as well.

Given the length of my commute, I would not be willing to work in Lower Manhattan.  But anywhere in Westchester County or near Grand Central would be a viable commute for me.
Looking forward to hearing from you.


Trying to get back into a skill set incompletely developed after 5½ years of being idle scares me.  GFJ and I had the following exchange about this last night:

What about the job from someone in Long island?

I sent an email back to him today saying I am interested in talking. I hope to hear from him soon.  I told him in my email that I am only interested in looking for work in Westchester or around Grand Central station. I refuse to go downtown Manhattan anymore. But I'm not really looking for a high responsibility job. after being out of work for five plus years, I don't know if I could handle that responsibility again.

You can do it.

Maybe. My last experience wasn't the best one. And the one at the bank wasn't that great either.

You just have to be positive and don't look in the rear-view mirror but through the big glass in the front of the car

I didn't think that I could take over the company and start a new company on my own but I was able to do that

You have the right attitude.

You just have to be positive

I would at least talk and see if I could do it.

You have to go in with a positive attitude that you can do it

It's hard when you're not sure if you could do it anymore.

You have to say you've done it in the past and pick yourself up by your bootstraps and going with the attitude of positiveness.

Yes, GFJ is positive person.  But is she being a Pollyanna when thinking about my skills?   I wasn't able to complete the transition to being a project manager.  Nor was I that good at the job when I did it.  

Do I really want to take the risk of failure? 


PS:  After chatting with this fellow's friend, I was told that he'd pass my resume to a colleague in charge of "Mainframe Personnel."  As I would expect, I have not heard anything further along these lines....

I woke up this morning to another strange thing...

It's amazing what some people can use as excuses in their lives to justify actions against others they don't like. This morning, I woke up to find that I have been removed from a meetup group that I never even attended.  The person running the group removed me for "Excessive Gossip". I won't name the person or the meetup group involved.  But I will say that the paths of this person and I will cross at other meetups.  And that I will be civil, but keep my distance.

I find it interesting that several negative events in my social life have occurred after I had my falling out with my former cruise partner.  Within two weeks of our falling out, she sent an email to GFJ ("my eyes only") to be forwarded to me.  Of course, one can't expect GFJ not to read the email. And shortly afterward, GFJ decided to break up with me.  A couple of weeks ago, an acquaintance of mine (in one of my meetup groups) sent an email to this former cruise partner, withing her a Merry Christmas.  And just before Christmas, this acquaintance decided to disconnect from me in social media and in other places.  Could there be something going on here? 

I'm not too worried about what either person could or would do.  The former cruise partner is out of my life by choice.  I didn't want to be obligated to her or to be controlled by her.  That's not what friendship is about.  With this other person, I figure that she will come to her senses one day.  Until then, I will keep my distance, as I don't want to upset her any more than she is now.

- - - - - -

Given what has been going on lately, it's easy to wonder whether something is wrong with me, or whether it is the world around me.  Another acquaintance once asked me why people avoided her when sitting at a table.  And out of kindness, I replied that I didn't have an answer.  The reality was very different.  This person's communication style was off putting in a hard to define way.  Knowing this, I have to ask myself a simple question: Have I changed much since I decided to fearlessly go into the world as Marian?  And secondary questions come to mind: Have these changes been a net negative?  What are these negative changes?

Thinking about my issues, I feel I have become more confident in myself.  This may bother those who are insecure, because they chose me as a friend when I was less secure than they were, making them feel more secure by comparison.  As I've grown, my inner security may have made them feel less secure by comparison.  Who knows?  But if this leads to me having less friends, I may have to accept this as a price for my growth.  Yet, the nagging question still keeps repeating itself: It is me, or is it the world around me?

- - - - - -

Later in the morning, I remembered that GFJ and I had come communicating to take care of.  I had previously registered for one meetup.  When I came back to register for two more from the same group, I found that GFJ had registered for all three meetups.  Either we will need to establish some guidelines for signing up for meetups in groups which we both are members, or GFJ will have to get used to seeing me as Marian.  If she doesn't want to try to have a relationship again, I feel no reason not to sign up for meetup groups in which I am interested in.  But if she wants to work on patching things up, I'd avoid having Marian in the same place as she is, and only have her see Mario in public.

When we finally got together this afternoon, GFJ and I went to see Bombshell.  If you were interested in how Roger Ailes was finally removed from power at Fox News, this would be the movie for you.  Afterwards, we sat down for a while and chatted - it looks like our romance is over, complete except for the final credits.  But we will still remain friends.  This just leaves me with an empty and sad feeling after 5+ years of being together.

Such is life....


PS: GFJ texted me late at night to say it's over.  😞  

PPS: Just before this entry was due to go public, I received the following from my former cruise partner.  What do you think of it?

It takes a very, very sick puppy to call someone every day for YEARS to chat-go on cruises with the person, happily wear the jewelry, handbags and clothes the person gave you and THEN write terrible things about the same person in your blog.

(I never asked for or wanted most of the stuff she gave me.  Yes, I appreciated some of the stuff, but I always felt uncomfortable with her always giving me stuff.).


Your description of ME was " someone with few friends, social anxiety, a food addict who is estranged from her son" - A mentally healthy person would have written "**** is a great friend and I am blessed to have her, she has always accepted me as I am, goes on cruises with me in Marian mode regardless of the stares and knowing it's hard finding jewelry in my size has found many things that fit me".

(She is a sick woman.  Yet, she was a great friend while it lasted.)

I was thinking of sitting with you to try to repair our friendship when I found that blog- I thought for years you were my BEST friend-turns out not only weren't you my friend but I really didn't know you.

(I made the mistake of being too truthful in descriptions. Your mileage will vary.)

As for *** - she read about how you wanted to be "Marian 24-7 and how happy you were when she left after the weekends so you could put on a DRESS". Leave that poor woman alone. You know how to manipulate her and have made her stay a lot longer then she would have. SHE DESERVES SOMEONE BETTER AND NICER THAN YOU. SHE IS NOT INTO WOMAN, SHE FINDS MARIAN DISTASTEFUL AND DESERVES TO FIND A MAN. The fact that you asked her if you could go to her meetups in a dress and could she give you dating tips for your NEXT relationship fills me with DISGUST. YOU'RE SICK! SICK! SICK!


(GFJ still cared.  She just couldn't deal with the Marian side of me.)

I understand you were very nasty to one of the members of the Beacon meet up group. Many people there do NOT WANT YOU THERE and I think they will be petitioning ***** to ask you to leave the group. You should be a "lady" and just leave.

(I wonder where she comes up with this crap.  I wasn't deliberately nasty to anyone.)

As far as I'm concerned- You have caused me great harm when I was nothing but good to you-You are spiritually and morally bankrupt. You are two faced, dishonest and dishonorable. You have nothing to write about yourself as you barely have a life so FEEL FREE TO PUT THIS IN YOUR BLOG YOU MALICIOUS NASTY BITCH.

(As you can see, she has a big bug up her ass after 2 1/2 months.)

It's been over 10 weeks since I was even in contact with my former cruise partner. As my readers are well aware, I've closed out the old blog because of two things - I erred too much in how much information I reveal about people, and because I was no longer free to talk about this person.  I'm much more careful in my current blog, only talking about things that are publicly available.

Dollars to donuts, she's trying to poison the well of my social life.

A belated Merry Christmas!

As usual, the Christmas Holiday started for me the night before.  GFJ was away with her family, and I had an evening out as Marian.  And where does a T-Gal like me go when she wants to be with people on Christmas Eve?  Church, of course.

Christmas Eve would be the only chance I'd have to spend some time with people in Marian Mode, and I made sure to dress up nice for the evening.  So I made my face up, put on a little black dress, and out the door I went.  Arriving at the church about 30 minutes early, I decided to call my brother to figure out what we were going to do the next day. He told me that he'd call me back in the morning, as my sister in law just checked into rehab. (I can only imagine how much of a hit this is going to be to their savings.  She has a nasty habit of self destructing every time something good starts going on in my brother's life.)  So we disconnected for the evening, and I walked into the Church.

As I've mentioned before, this parish shares a priest and a deaconess with a sister parish a few miles away.  This parish gets the priest for Christmas Eve, and the other for Christmas Day.  It is an arrangement that is working for now.  But as parishioners die out (or move away), one church will likely be de-consecrated.  Given the location of this parish, the land is more valuable than the building as it is in a very convenient part of town.  Of course, I can also see the building being sold off to a growing congregation, most likely made up of Korean or Chinese immigrants.  (I've seen this happen with other churches in the lower Hudson Valley, so this wouldn't be a surprise.)  Luckily, the sister parish has more than enough room for the people from this church, and it is only a short drive away.

In my childhood, churches would be packed both on Christmas Eve and on Christmas Day.  Christmas Eve's attendance was between a third to a quarter of what the church could hold when fully packed.  Unlike my past visits, I decided to sit halfway to the front of the pews.  This time, I felt I had made a mistake, but not for anything to do with my acceptance as Marian.  When the service started, and the hymn singing began, the fellow behind me was singing in the most god awful off key voice I've ever heard.  It took away from my enjoyment of hearing the choir sing.  But I won't complain much.  The older gentleman behind me was continuing a tradition of communal participating in the singing of hymns.

While I'm on the topic of hymn singing, I have to mention something that made me feel good.  The service started with the choir singing "Silent Night" in German.  Although I grew up with the English language version of the song, this is one composition that sounds better in German.  (Sadly, there are way too many people who think that German can't sound just as silky smooth as a romance language.  This version of the song puts that misconception to rest.)  This choir is one of the reasons I enjoy going to this church.  They have a good music director, and bring back feelings of what church should have been like when I grew up.

Around 9:30, the service ended and I had a question to answer.  Do I go to a movie? Or, do I go to a diner and have a pre-Christmas dinner?  I chose the dinner.  By the time I was done, I had missed the last showing of the movie for the evening.  So I ended up going home for the night.

- - - - - -            - - - - - -            - - - - - -

Christmas came with no phone call from my brother.  So I had to call him to find out what we were doing for the day.  He said to come down, and we'll pick dad up from the nursing home, then we'll order some Chinese.  I had to joke with him about becoming an honorary Jew for the day, as many Jews have made it a tradition to go to Chinese restaurants on Christmas.  This allows them to eat out on Christmas Day, enjoying a cuisine which doesn't mix dairy and meat products.  (Of course, the idea of eating "Safe Treyf" also appeals to many.)  So I proceeded to get ready to go out while my brother made his trip to the nursing home to pick up my dad.

Leaving my place a little after 2:00, I arrived at my brother's place around 3:15.  The usual traffic jams didn't cause me any problems, as I was able to take side streets from the Clearview Expressway out to my brother's place.  As expected, my brother had Chinese takeout menus in hand for us to place our orders. A little later, we had a nice feast on food that was both too salty and too fatty while being too tasty to resist.  My brother wanted to show a video that he had saved on his phone. But we couldn't figure out how to cast screen images from the phone to the TV.  The closest we came was getting YouTube videos to display on his TV, and that bothered my brother.  He spent the next hour trying to get things to work with his phone and his TV to no avail.  By the time 7:00 came around, I was getting tired, and I needed the second cup of coffee to give me the energy to drive home safely.

On the way home, I chatted with GFJ, who had just dropped her mom off at her place. We agreed on when we'd meet tomorrow, but not the where.  Neither of us knew which movies were playing at the local theaters, and I said that I'd check things out and give her some choices that she could look at when she got home.

Keep your fingers crossed for me....

Christmas Eve started with an unwanted conversation.

I knew today was going to be a little strange from the moment I checked my first emails.  There was a message from a friend telling me that our links on social media were being severed.  Without any explanation, it felt like a slap in the face.  Did I do something wrong?

- - - - - -

We've all had to learn our way around social media.  Although I won't go into any of the "Who, What, Which, Where, When, of How" of it, I can say that the email conversation that followed from the earlier message made me feel a little better - the issues were on the friend's side and not mine. But what if a person just dropped a bombshell like this on you and gave you no clue in follow up conversation.  How would you feel?

Our children are confronted with this and other social media issues every day.  Social media is used and abused.  It is both a news source about our friends and about the world as a whole.  And there is a lot of misinformation being spread which is meant to hurt people.  Due to the nature of tools like Facebook, slander can be spread instantaneously without the person being slandered having a clue to what is happening. There is even less time than before for a person to mount a defense.  Not having children, I can only imagine what they are dealing with these days.

- - - - - -

By 9:00 am, I had fully awakened due to the above mentioned conversation, and I had the pleasure of watching an episode of Perry Mason that I've been waiting a while to see.

Years ago, Raymond Burr was out from work on Perry Mason, and had several guest stars (as guest lawyers) taking on cases with the typical Perry Mason style.  Today's rerun, "The Case of Constant Doyle" guest starred Bette Davis, and she filled in the role perfectly.  If this wasn't Burr's series, I'd have thought it was Davis's series.  She was that good in her role. And it made me wish that the network could have done a spinoff series starring Bette Davis.  Sadly, few movie stars at the time considered TV acting as a craft as respectable as acting on stage or in the movies.  So we only have that one instance of Bette Davis in her prime doing what she does best on TV - being a strong, confident woman who could not be pushed around by anyone.

- - - - - -

Now back to the Christmas season....

One of the blogs I read discussed the masculine difference in Christmas Shopping:

1. Men get less satisfaction out of gift buying
2. Men don’t want to buy the gifts that women want to receive 
3. The thought of buying and receiving presents makes us anxious 
4. Gift buying isn’t men’s way of expressing love 
5. Men love the challenge of a one-day hunt (my favorite)

In regard to gift buying, I am much more like the typical male than the typical female.  I get little satisfaction about gift buying. Yet, I want to buy the type of gift that a person wants to receive. The thought of buying gifts makes me anxious, as I don't to get it wrong.  And it certainly isn't my way of expressing love.  Unlike the typical man, I don't relish the challenge of a one day hunt - I prefer to have my shopping done days or weeks in advance.

Shopping for GFJ this season posed me some interesting issues.  How do I send the right signals with my gifts?  I have to get her size right if I'm buying clothing, yet I can't buy anything that would not be her style.  Luckily, I knew GFJ's size range, so I was able to buy her a sweater that would fit (and if not, was from a store "semi convenient" to her).  The other gifts were easier for me, as I had ideas of what she could use and something that others had advised me to give her.

But if you think GFJ was an issue, what about my brother and his wife?   I was constrained by the requirement not to spend too much on him (we only exchange inexpensive gifts) and something that could be used by both my brother and his wife (I didn't want to give anything that would be too personal, as they are currently having problems with their marriage.) So I ended up giving them a popcorn maker.

- - - - - -

Lately, when I get a text from JS, one of the first things she wants to know is have I been able to fix things with GFJ.  (She doesn't know that GFJ is a female.  But that's another story that I've mentioned in my prior blog.)  And I've had to deflect these questions.  My big question is: Why is my romantic relationship so important?  But then, JS would like for me to help her write a personal ad for her.  There are several reasons that she could be looking for a man.  First is romance.  Second is a financial security blanket.  If she's open about herself and her issues, I have no problem helping her.  But if she's looking for a sugar daddy to take care of her (due to her own weak financial resources), then I have some reservations.

This got me thinking of my former travel partner.  She had cravings for companionship which bordered on addiction.  She'd put up with a man who'd mistreat her, instead of waiting (possibly in vain) for someone who'd treat her with love in the way she deserves.

- - - - - -


Since I'm writing this on Christmas Eve, I don't want to end this post on a down note.  Instead, I'd rather wish my readers a happy and prosperous time in the new year.




Happy New Year!!!!!



.

A pre-holiday night out with the Fun Time Friends

As I write this, tomorrow is Christmas Eve, and I couldn't help but think that I should rework the opening to Clement Clark Moore's famous poem as follows:

'Twas the second night before Christmas,
And through the Ale House,
Many creatures were stirring,
Including a spouse (or two).

I'll bet that the poet would be aghast if he could see what I've done to the poem.  But it fits the main theme of the day - a pre-holiday visit to the Orange Ale House to share a few drinks with the FTF meetup group, and enjoy some free bar food.

- - - - - -

The day opened with me noticing something about a meetup I signed up for.  I had planned to get together with a new group (for me) and found out that GFJ had just signed up for the same wait list. Since GFJ and I had an agreement that I would not show up as Marian at a meetup she would be attending, I promptly took my name off the wait list.  Later on, I sent a message to GFJ about this, and didn't have the chance to talk about this because her kids were in for the holiday.  (The last thing she needs is for them to find about me being both Mario and Marian.)  So we will probably need to develop new guidelines for meetups that we are both interested in. 

Around 2:00, I started to get ready to go to the Fun Time Friends meetup in Orange, CT.  I had figured that I'd get there a little early, and then boogie over to Catherine's for some last minute pre-holiday browsing.  That was not to happen as planned.  I left Croton at 3:00, and it took the better part of 2 hours to make it to the meetup on time.  While driving, I chatted with GFJ.  But one of her sons was nearby, so I couldn't chat about the topic I wanted to talk about.  So we chatted about some meaningless pleasantries and I wished her the best for her next couple of days in Connecticut with her family.

When I arrived at the meetup, I was the first person there.  Luckily, I met another meetup member and we shared the far end of the table in the picture above.  It was too noisy to have a meaningful conversation. But we tried to do so as the regular meetup gang ambled in. Eventually, I got the chance to chat with the Meetup organizer for a minute or two.  Yet, the noise level in the place got to me.  So I decided to leave around 6:30 and go home.

The drive home was uneventful.  However, the two beers and the bar food started to induce a little drowsiness in me.  The last thing I wanted to do was have an accident.  So I stopped for a while to spike my energy level in order to make it home safely.  And once I made it home, I crashed on my bed for a few hours before starting this entry.

I went shopping the other day.

No matter what happens between GFJ and I, I figured that I'd play it safe and buy her a Christmas present.  Shopping to buy her a gift is the one type of lie I will tell her.  But if things go totally sour, I can always exchange the sweater for one in my size.  (That is one advantage of being transgender - I am familiar with the offerings in stores that cater to women, and know when something good is on sale at a reasonable price.)

A common complaint among many plus size cisgender women is they have nowhere to shop for clothes in person.  Dress Barn is closing (at the time I'm writing this) by the end of the year. The Avenue stores have all closed down, though there is still an on-line presence for that store.  That leaves a diminished version of Catherines selling clothing staples, and Lane Bryant selling more trendy clothing targeted to the younger plus sized woman.  While at the store, one of the salesladies mentioned some of the complaints (not at Catherine's) that former Avenue shoppers have, now that that chain has closed up shop.  These women feel that they have nowhere to shop anymore.

In that conversation with the saleslady, she mentioned that she liked the coat I was wearing, and that she wished that her store carried such merchandise. Although the store was filled with coats, none of them had the look of the classic wool coat.  She complained that district management had no idea of what customers wanted in the stores, and that no one listens to what is going on where it counts - in the stores.  I'm afraid that if this company keeps ignoring its front line, that it will end up just like the Avenue.  And that'll be a damned shame.

As it stands, I have a large enough supply of women's clothes to last me for a while (in my present size).  Hopefully, the owners of Catherine's and Lane Bryant will figure out how to make more money from their stores and keep more of them open....

Sometimes, I'm stuck in the "wrong" presentation

Last night, my brother returned from England, and didn't text me to let me know he got in. He and his two adult children were doing a little sightseeing while visiting my niece's future in-laws.  I'm jealous of them.  But I'll eventually have the chance to visit my niece and her future husband in their new home.  So I have something to look forward to.  Until then, I'm just an afterthought for my brother and his family.  But more on that later....


Today is my dad's birthday.  That means I will need to be in my male presentation when I go to Long Island.  Because of this scheduling requirement, I was sure to schedule my annual physical for the same day, so that I wouldn't need to change from Marian to Mario. And this meant that I had to be ready to start my day early, then not know exactly when I'd be expected to be at my brother's place.

- - - - - -

The first thing I had to do was to go to the doctor.  And I arrived at his office at the same time as the doctor.  Since this was my yearly physical, he had a few more questions to ask of me, and suggested that I get my eyes checked and to schedule a colonoscopy.  Even though it is less than an hour after I left the office as I write this, I already forgot what I should be asking for with my eyes.  (I can ask the doc about that again when I see him in a month.)  But I'll have to see if the doc who performed my last colonoscopy is covered under my insurance and whether his assistant staff is also covered.  Otherwise, I will need to ask my internist for other recommendations of people who may be on my insurance plan.

When I got out of the doc's office, I got a call back after picking up breakfast - they forgot to ask for a urine sample.  So back to the office I went for 5 minutes, and then onto the house to rest.  Looking at the phone, my brother finally acknowledged my messages, telling me that he is back from England.  Unfortunately, he hadn't yet figured out what he plans to with my dad for his birthday.  So it meant that I would have to be ready for anything.  And I found out that my brother was going in to work today, then do something tomorrow.  As for me, I decided to drive to Long Island to see my dad in the daytime.

- - - - - -

It took me over 2 hours to reach my dad.  Traffic was much worse than usual, and I hit all the traffic jams that I could have expected and more.  But I made it there a little bit before my brother, and by 6 pm, we were on our way to the Japanese buffet to enjoy dinner.  Luckily, my sister in law did not join us, as she had a "meeting" to go to tonight. So the 4 of us felt free to each have a beer and to relax over a leisurely dinner.

Towards the end of the evening, my brother started showing photos of the family trip to England, and I started getting bored.  Yet, I didn't want the evening to end.  There are not that many family gatherings left in my dad's life, and I want to be there for as many as possible.

- - - - - -

Around 8:30-9:00 or so, we brought my dad back to the nursing home, and I started my drive back to my apartment. Shortly before I got home, GFJ returned my call and we chatted for a few minutes.  It appears that she will also be busy during the holiday season, so this will be the second straight holiday with us not being together.  Although I will make New Year's Eve open for her if she wants to be together, I have plans in mind if she were to make it a third holiday of being apart.  At that point, unless I am misinterpreting things, she will have sent a signal without saying anything definite....   Such is life.

Today was to be my last day doing a volunteer stint

Over the past year or two, I've been an irregular volunteer for both of the places for which I help out.  My weekend schedule had gotten in the way of me attending many Arts Westchester events. And my declining interest got in the way of helping out at the LGBT Center.  I needed something to motivate me to get up and out on a daily basis, and that involved both a sense of purpose and a desire to earn money. 

Since it looks like I'll soon be working at the Census bureau, I doubt that I will have any free time to do any volunteering for a while.  And this is just as well - I needed a break from my old routine, as I was getting more and more inclined to stay indoors all day.  This is not a healthy thing to do, as evidenced by my dad's former home life before moving into the nursing home.

- - - - - -

By the time I got moving, it was late in the afternoon, and I didn't have the time to do a volunteer stint AND make it to the Fun Time Friends meetup in Wilton, CT.  So I sent an email to the LGBT Center's volunteer coordinator to tell him that I'd either be in tomorrow or on Monday.

When I finally made it out of the house, it was a bit late for me to make it on time.  There was no way that I was going to take Route 95 from here, as rush hour traffic would slow things to a crawl.  Instead, I took the roads to the venue and made it to dinner only a few minutes late. 

Arriving at the venue, I sat down next to the organizer and we had a great time.  There was one woman there who could have been my sister, and she recognized me as well.  This is a very friendly bunch of people - possibly more so than the folks in Beacon.  (Just don't tell the Beacon folks that....)  While chatting with the organizer, I found that she had an interest in visiting Chinatown in the Spring.  So I suggested we do so when it's convenient for her - and we may do that when the weather gets warmer.  I could use as many friends as possible who know me as Marian, and not as Mario.  It would be nice to add a "sane" friend to my address book.

- - - - - -

Earlier in the day, GFJ called me on her way home from Baltimore.  While on the call, she had to hang up, telling me to call back when I was on the road to the meetup.  I did just that, and didn't get an answer.  Could the problem have been to a nationwide problem with Verizon Wireless?  Who knows?  When I tried to reach her on the way home from my meetup, there was also no answer for me.  Since Facebook Messenger shows her as inactive, all I can think is that she has a problem with her phone connecting to the outside world.  Hopefully, she made it to her meetup OK....

Thoughts related to several conversations I've had over the past few days

I've documented issues related to the loss of a friendship, the breakup of another, and thought's I've had about things in general.  Yet, I've never tied everything together for general consumption.  This is my attempt to put things into perspective.

- - - - - -

I've been dating GFJ for a little over 5 years. And we have hit some problems in our relationship. Since I'm writing this entry before Thanksgiving, I am making the assumption that both of us will be with our own families during holiday season. (This is now true.)  I'd have been happy to have had the same kind of relationship that Vicki #1's dad had with his girlfriend - two people in love with each other, but not sharing a common living space.  Each of us would have had the freedom to live our lives as we see fit, but would have had the knowledge that each of us would be there for the other.  I do not know where this will end up, nor do I know if this situation is permanent.  But I do think that we were better off with each other being in our lives, and I think that separating on a good note leaves us many more options than I have with my former cruise partner.

- - - - - -

To check whether I was going nuts or not, I described the situation with my former cruise partner to several of my other friends.  Several of these friends would have liked to see me find a way to patch things up with her, as she was a close friend for several years. However, other friends noted that this woman's actions were abnormally controlling, even though they could be viewed as simple caring from another perspective.

I react very poorly to being controlled by others, and I would push anyone away who'd try to do this to me.  I guess this goes back to childhood, when my mother didn't respect that other people (especially her children) had opinions that differed significantly from hers.  I can still remember being on the phone with a friend, saying that the fancy service at one Chinese restaurant we went to was a little off putting to me.  My mom got very upset at this, as my opinion was very different from hers, and started an argument which resulted in my dad telling her off for one of the few times that I remember him doing so.  Incidents like this created a situation where neither my brother nor I have any pleasant memories of her.  Nor do either of us miss her, almost 20 years after her death.

My former cruise partner is a control freak, but this never got to me until a series of incidents on our last cruise together (documented in my previous blog).  Describing these incidents in detail to my friends, the one I consider my main reality check told me that she was now very glad that she never met my cruise partner.  The little incidents would have been driven her nuts!  Then, this friend said that she understood why I severed contact the way I did - the relationship could no longer nourish me the way it once did, and I didn't want to cause either of us any more pain.

- - - - - -

I also related these events to HWV (in passing) when we went out for dinner the other night. She and HWJ started asking me about romance and my transgender nature - intimate questions that I have no problems answering, when asked by people I've gotten to know a little.  It's amazing how little the average person knows about gender dysphoria, gender presentation, gender identification, and gender preference.  For most Cisgender people, it's way too easy to take many things for granted.

This was an educational conversation, as much for me as it was for them, as I was in the proper setting to talk about things.  Could I have talked this way with GFJ?  Probably not.  This is the kind of conversation which would have her walking away to give me more space to live as Marian - even when I gladly make the trade-off to share my life with someone I love.  (Thankfully, my dysphoria is very mild, as it allows me to live in both genders as needed.)  In a way, I am very envious of one of my Facebook friends I met at Fantasia Fair. She has a healthy relationship with her wife, a relationship which would only break up if she decides to transition completely, both socially and medically.

- - - - - -

Now we get to my recent conversation with Pat.  As I've mentioned, she's an idealist who thinks she is a realist.  She's a person who believes in leftist conspiracy theories, and will only accept the idea of impossibly large changes without plans, and not the incremental changes that realists like me promote.  There are serious problems with the world right now, climate change being one of them.  Although I believe in climate change/global warming, I still consider it an incompletely proven theory - the same way Einstein's theory became useful, even if not proven completely.  Pat is the type of person who will get involved in every Liberal cause, including Black Lives Matter, and then think she is "Woke".  Often, she doesn't have much of a clue about what is really going on, as she seems to always be looking for her Lefty Gold Medal to be pinned on her chest.  This will never happen, as she has no clue about how to affect any change, because she doesn't know how to convince people that change is needed.

Years ago, I learned that politics is a skill of making possible things happen, and knowing what things are possible and what things are not.  To break down the idea of "Separate but Equal" in the courts, many smaller cases had to be brought before the Supreme Court, building up a foundation to overturn prior court rulings.  Pat has no clue about this technique, and would have blown it by putting everything together in a single court case - and then losing it.  Society needs time to process major changes, it needs a plan to implement those changes, and it needs time to sell those changes to a large enough population who will support it.  Pat would destroy the world we live in with her ideals, as she would not pay enough attention to the details or planning needed to get any meaningful changes done.

With all of this, Pat understands why I severed contact with my former cruise partner.  I've grown enough to live without an important crutch in my life.  Yet, she doesn't understand that my growth also allows me to see her for what she is, and accept her as such.  At the age of 78, I doubt that she ever will grow any further - her mind is set in its ways, she distrusts everything the world has been built on, and she can provide no meaningful or effective steps that will make this world a better place.  All she can do is tilt at her windmills and bask in her "wokeness".

- - - - - -

As with everything I write about, it all comes back to me.  Years ago, I searched for any romantic interest that would have me for a partner.  I settled for my wife, a good woman, someone who deserved someone better than me.  It took me years after I lost her to cancer to then be able to appreciate a good woman when she came into my life.  And yet, I wasn't able to read GFJ's mind and give her the relationship security she needed. (No, there is no way I could have read her mind.  But this is a problem with many relationships - not enough quality communication.)  Whatever happens with GFJ and I, I feel I have learned something I might be able to bring into another relationship (if I ever decide to pursue one again.)

I hate rainy, foggy days.

Normally, I try to stay in a single presentation for the entire day.  This makes things much simpler for me.  Once I move my ID and money into the correct wallet, I can be sure that I'm carrying all 3 needed items I need to show a police officer if my car is stopped.  (I also move my AAA card, as I've been in need of a tow while in my female presentation.)  This was not going to be a "half and half" day, as I only needed to be out as Mario for an hour, and I'd be out as Marian until I returned home late in the evening.

- - - - - -

Last night, GFJ and I were chatting around 2 am.  We caught up on the past day, and then she asked a question - Did Patty know about me being TG?  I told her that she may have had some inklings when we were going together in the early 2000's, but I was not out and about way back when.  I have to assume that GFJ is still sorting things out in her mind, and that my TG nature is an important issue to her.  

When I finally got up late this morning, I knew I'd have to present as a male for part of it.  There was a book (on hold) waiting for me at the library, and there was a prescription waiting for me at the drug store.  Since I could not do these things without revealing my legal identity, I had to go out as Mario for a couple of hours before coming home to change into my female presentation and go out as Marian for the evening.

Once home, I started getting ready to go out as Marian.  Off came the boy clothes, with a plan to put on the girl clothes before seeing JS for a movie and a bite to eat.  While at home, I decided to wrap gifts for my family and for GFJ.  However, I couldn't find the locking diary in the stores for the daughter of Thursday night's meetup's Christmas Gift.  So I finally broke down and subscribed to Amazon Prime, so that I could get her gift in my hands before the next game night.

While writing the earlier parts of this entry, I got a message from JS - her dog had to go to the vet for a canine emergency.  It seems as if every time we agree to get together, some event gets in the way.  Yes, I have often been unavailable on weekends, as I have always given GFJ first claim on my time.  (She is a special woman to me, and I've said as much to her.)  But now, I have the freedom to schedule weekend time with JS, and she still has excuses.  Given what I've mentioned about her and her family in the past, I'll bet that she is having serious budget problems as well as problems with her daughter.  And these problems are getting in the way of her having a healthy social life.  (These problems are also the cause of her former financial planner abandoning JS to her own devices, as JS would not do the things needed to get her life in order.)  As for me, I'd rather not allow JS to lean too much on me, as I don't want to be in a codependent relationship with anyone.

Now that JS had to postpone our get together, I had to figure out what to do for the rest of the evening.  Did I continue my preparations to go out as Marian and see a movie?  Or, did I do something else?  I ended up staying in for the night.....

I could have gone early and shopped, but....

I hate Christmas shopping.  It's a pain to find the things people really need, and even harder to find the things that people would like but wouldn't get for themselves.  When I asked the hostess of my Thursday night meetup what to get her kids, she mentioned that her son would like anything with Goldfish on it, and that her daughter would like a diary with a lock.  At this time, it looks very doubtful that the daughter will get what she wants (from me) for Christmas.  But I'll try to do so....

- - - - - -

One of the things I had to do for Christmas was a double gift - I usually get my dad a pair of sweatpants for his birthday, then a sweatshirt on Christmas.  There's not much he can use and safely keep in his nursing home.  So I take care of the clothing, and let my brother come up with the rest of the gift ideas.

Before I did anything today, I made sure to leave my cleaning lady's cell phone outside my door so that her son could pick it up on his way home.  This gave me the option of taking a drive to Jersey to do some clothes shopping, but would force me to do a longer drive to see Patty for dinner tonight.  Instead, I stayed in bed all day, and only started to get dressed when I had just enough time to make it to dinner on time.

The drive to Mamaroneck was god awful.  The rain and the headlights made the road hard to see, and I was wishing I had cancelled dinner for safety's sake.  But Patty and I made it to the restaurant on time and we spent 3 hours chatting about anything and everything.  It's too bad that her husband had the flu - it would have been nice to see him too.  We talked about New Years' plans, and she is going to the place that GFJ and I went a couple of years ago.  I made a joke about showing up as Marian, and she felt that no one would recognize me outside the context in which they knew me.  That's a good sign of how far I've come along in my path towards the feminine.

- - - - - -

All too soon, Patty and I had to part ways.  I decided to call GFJ on my way to Target in Mt. Kisco - but she was either asleep, or enjoying herself in South Jersey.  Again, I was wishing I had stayed at home.  But at least, I found sweats for my dad's year end presents.

Weekends aren't what they used to be.

No picture can do this artwork justice - it is too large to be captured in a single picture.  To appreciate it, one has to get close to these giant pieces of rolled steel, walk around them and inside them to appreciate them for what they are.  As much as I think the artist (Richard Serra) is an asshole for his reaction to people who rejected his work (Tilted Arc) because it interfered with with their movement in a congested area of Manhattan, I will give him credit for having made interesting, engaging art with large pieces of steel.

You might be asking: why am I starting off with this picture?  It's because my weekend started off with a museum visit with GFJ.  And it's something we used to do more of in the early days of our relationship.

- - - - - -

GFJ and I planned to take the same train into NYC.  That meant that she had to make it to Beacon by 11:00 for an 11:10 train, and I would have to make it to Cortlandt 30 minutes later.  GFJ was expecting that I would meet her in Croton, and was very surprised that I got on the train 1 stop earlier.  We had a pleasant conversation on our way into NYC, with me making commentary on the little things I've noticed in my countless number of commutes into the city.

You'll note in the above picture, that the sign for the Museum of the American Gangster is almost an afterthought in the picture.  This is by design.  The museum is in a small part of the building which houses a Theater, a Bar, and a group of residences.  Who'd suspect the history that this building has unless s/he has taken the museum tour.

The museum of the American Gangster is a small museum with few artifacts.  If you were to go there and look at the main exhibit floor, you'd think you were being ripped off for the $20 admission fee.  And I wouldn't blame you for feeling this way.  I've been to museums which have had many more and better artifacts related to the American Mobs and Prohibition. (For example, one museum I visited has the car that Bonnie and Clyde were in when they were gunned down.  Another had bricks of grape juice, which when "improperly" stored and handled according to cautionary warnings on the box, would "accidentally" turn from grape juice into wine. And the Museum of the American Constitution in Philadelphia had a "Whiskey 8" motorcar on display.)

There are two redeeming things about this museum.  The first is that the is housed in a former brothel, and the tour walks you from the brothel area, through the speakeasy (now a legal bar), and ends in the ballroom of the speakeasy where the "Swells" danced the night away.  The other thing about the museum was the tour guide.  She gave a reasonably comprehensive history of the American Mob up to the 1970's in a 60 minute tour, and provided tidbits that my readings on the subject did not cover. (I love reading about vice in America, and enjoy visiting places such as "Miss Dolly's" (in Ketchikan, AK) for their immoral history.  (BTW - I missed "Miss Dolly's" on my trip to Alaska because of my then ignorance, and will go to that museum if I get there again.)

- - - - - -

Once we were done with the museum, we went to Chinatown, ending up at the Nom Wah Tea Parlor.  And that's where we gorged on Dim Sum.  YUM!   By the time we finished our meal, we had a single "meal sized" egg roll left, and I asked for it to be put into a doggie bag to go.  However, I wasn't really into bringing this treat home with me, nor was GFJ into doing it due to the length of our trips home.  If I had seen a trash receptacle, I'd have deposited the egg roll there.  But I ended up doing something that someone was grateful for.  There was a homeless person on the street begging for money - and he was very glad that I gave him that egg roll.  I guess providence was guiding me today without me knowing it.

Next, GFJ was interested in seeing Rockefeller Center's Christmas Tree.  So we took the train to Times Square, and walked to 50th street and over to 5th avenue.  The area was jam packed with people, and it was almost impossible to get a view of the tree.  But we were able to get a couple of pictures before moving on.  When we reached 5th avenue, we couldn't move any further.  Saks 5th Avenue's store Christmas Light display was causing people to pack themselves in like sardines to watch the animated display of lights.  When the active display ended, we could barely get into a position to make it to St. Patrick's Cathedral.

The last time I was at St. Pat's, the place was under renovation.  Tonight, I can appreciate why so many people consider the cathedral a special place (from a non religious viewpoint). It is a beautiful building.  But it is not a church I'd want to attend - if one were to attend services there, one is merely a face in the crowd.  This is not the feeling I want when I go to church.  About 20 minutes later, we left the church and went back to Grand Central for our train home.  We got there with about 10 minutes to spare before the train left - and had a relaxing ride up the river with nothing serious being said.

All in all it was a pleasant day, and it was the type of thing we should have done more often to keep things special between the two of us.

- - - - - -            - - - - - -            - - - - - -

Sunday came early, and I didn't.  I should say that the sun came out, and I turned off all of my alarms then slept until the afternoon.  This, I expect, should screw up my sleep patterns for the next week or two.

There was a basket of clothes to be washed, a basket of clean clothes to put away, and a pile of folded clothes on the other side of the bed waiting to go into dresser drawers - all waiting for me to take care of them.  Since my cleaning lady would be expected to come this Thursday for her monthly visit,  this would be the perfect day to straighten things up, pick up a Christmas gift or two, and make some productive use of my time.  But did I do most of this?  Nooooooo!

For the most part, I lounged around all day until 6:30 pm or so.  Eventually, I made it to BJ's where I didn't find what I was looking for (a pair of sweats I could give to my dad on his birthday and on Xmas), but still ended up spending $90 or so.  On the way home from there, I chatted with GFJ, and then picked up stuff at the supermarket before going home for the night.

- - - - - -

I don't feel bad about today's inactivity because I have a busy week ahead of me.  Tomorrow, I'll have an Arts Westchester meeting followed by a Fun Time Friends meetup. Tuesday will have me seeing people for a Census Bureau position, then attending the last co-op board meeting of the year.  Wednesday will be relatively free, as I only have dinner with the Beacon Dining Meetup Group on my schedule.  Thursday is dedicated to Lunch with BXM, followed by games in Yonkers.  (I may use the gap between these two events to either see a movie or to pass my my brother's place to check on things.) And Friday will likely be my weekly stint at the LGBT Center, followed by dinner with Patty.  Now, if only I could find some time to see about applying for Global Entry (and scheduling an in-person appointment), so that I can get a TSA Trusted Traveler number and expedited customs clearance when I return on an international flight.










  

It's hard to believe that after 30+ years, it may come to this.

Recently, I talked with my brother.  He has had a troubled marriage for a while.  Every time a major milestone in his life is about to happen, it seems as if his wife tries to sabotage things. The older they get, the worse the damage she cause to herself and to my brother.  He is at the breaking point, and is considering a legal action from which there is no return.

- - - - - -

About 31 years ago, my brother got married because his wife-to-be was slightly pregnant. (You can barely see her baby bump in their wedding pictures.)  From the beginning of their marriage, in retrospect one could see that they were sailing into stormy waters. There were the expected problems for a 25 year old man without a college degree on Long Island trying to make his way back then: jobs that didn't pay well enough to take care of his family, a career in a dead end industry, and real estate costs that were starting to go through the roof. But the worst problem was one that was not under his control - his wife's first son, his stepson.

My step-nephew is best described as a ne'er-do-well who got good at being a leech.  He is intellectually lazy, and his work ethic is less than nonexistent.  Even when given a job that paid well just to show up at the front door, he screwed that up.  He is an addict, and has hurt every one of his friends and family as a result of his addictions.  Every family member and friend who agreed to give him a place to live had to kick him out because he was stealing from them to feed his addictions.

During the course of their marriage, my sister in law developed her own addiction, and had to deal with the consequences of her actions.  Until recently, she was clean and sober for over a decade.  This is not an easy thing to do.  And then she took on the "responsibility" to house her eldest son again....

- - - - - -

You'll note that I have glossed over a lot of details.  If I stated too much, a casual reader might be able to identify my brother's family - and I want to respect his privacy.

This summer, GFJ and I went to a small gathering at my brother's place, and my sister in law did not show her face all day.  Supposedly, she was feeling sick, and needed to stay in bed.  With what I know now, I'd bet that she was nursing a hangover.

A few weeks ago, I'm visiting my dad in the nursing home and he tells me that there was trouble between my brother and his wife.  When I saw my brother afterwards, he opens up to me and says the same thing and more.  He's in a position where a divorce would ruin them both financially, and he's trying to avoid it.

My sister in law's addiction resulted in familial problems that have scarred my brother and his two children. In talking with my brother and my niece (in separate conversations), I have found that the love of a man for his wife and the love of a daughter for her mother has effectively been snuffed out.  My brother planned to do the "until death do us part" thing, because it was the right thing to do. And later on, he planned to do it, so that both he and his wife could avoid financial disaster.  My nephew went to the other side of the continent to escape his parents.  And my niece's choice of husband may have been a conscious way to live as far away from the fighting going on in the family homestead.  But now, I doubt the marriage will last more than another year or two.

- - - - - -

Divorce in late middle age is not something to be done on a whim.  GFJ knows this from her divorce settlement.  There was enough money saved and property owned to take care of 2 people together as they grew old.  But divided, those assets would provide for a less comfortable existence for each of the former partners. GFJ's financial status will likely be a concern for the rest of her life.  So when my brother mentioned divorce as a serious option, I knew that he was close to his breaking point.

My sister in law is destroying herself, and will take my brother down with her if he lets it happen.  I'll be there for my brother no matter what happens.  But I can't help but feel sad for my sister in law - her maternal instincts got in the way of her sobriety.  As for my step-nephew, he's a person better lost than found - and may he stay that way forever.

My plans had me going into "The City" this evening, but....

This place used to have an outpost in Beacon, NY.  It served relatively good Dim Sum.  But they couldn't make a go of their suburban location.  Luckily the original establishment survived, and that it takes credit cards.  Otherwise I wouldn't be able to meet there with one of my Facebook friends.

- - - - - -

The other day, I confirmed getting together with one of my Facebook friends for a Dim Sum dinner.  However, she needed a place which would take credit cards.  Since I'm "old school" and use cash for many of my transactions, we couldn't go to the Nom Wah Tea Parlor as planned.  So I had to hunt around online for Chinatown restaurants that I am moderately familiar with AND which take credit cards.  Even though I've never been to Dim Sum Go Go in Chinatown, I was at their former Beacon location.  So I figured that they would serve an acceptable meal at a reasonable price.

Around 3 pm, I moseyed to the LGBT Center and did my weekly volunteer stint.  Today's assignment was to tag contact list entries as having attended the 2019 Transgender Forum. And if it weren't for a long winded conversation I had, I would have completed this task by 6 pm.  Instead, 1/3 of my list was left to be completed.

From the LGBT Center, I drove to Pelham and missed another late train.  I wasn't worried, as the next train was expected around 6:30.  However, the train was not on time, as it was 15 minutes late. (BRRRR!!!!   It was awfully cold on the platform while waiting for the train.)   This was not the only problem.  Once on the train, we were further delayed by a situation which required police activity.  I felt lucky that my friend asked me to change our meeting time from 8:00 to 8:30.

Once I got to Grand Central, I took the express downtown and walked to the restaurant from the Brooklyn Bridge station.  Then I decided to wait inside the restaurant because I was 30 minutes early. And wait I did.  Little did I know my friend was trying to reach me on the phone I didn't carry with me, and wasn't going to leave her house until she reached me.  So I ended up giving up hope for a dinner for two, and enjoyed a Dim Sum dinner for one.  Because I figured that it was a typical signals crossed situation, I wasn't angry.  I wasn't even frustrated.  Instead, I realized that I screwed up a little, and it was a "no harm, no foul" situation.  So when I was done with dinner, I walked back to the subway and headed home.

I entered my apartment around 11:30 pm, and found a series of messages on my Facebook page.  My friend was trying to reach me, but this avenue was the one avenue I don't have available to me on my cell phone.  So I texted her, and we chatted online for about 30 minutes.

- - - - - -

Tomorrow, I'll be going into NYC with GFJ to see the American Gangster Museum.  After that, we'll go to eat.  I'm not in the mood for a serious conversation, as I expect to hear bad news.  And I don't want to deal with that bad news until after the Holiday season.  But if I have to deal with it, I will....