En·nui
noun: ennui
a feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from a lack of occupation or excitement.
"he succumbed to ennui and despair"
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I'm not sure of whether I was experiencing ennui before I broke up with my last serious girlfriend. But I certainly felt it after we broke up. As BB King titled one of his songs, "The Thrill is Gone." Or, it has been for a while for me. It was important for me to find something to excite me, and I was lucky not to fall into the rabbit hole of abuse of mind altering substances. I had to identify and confront my feelings during the past two years.
The act of going to work in Marian mode was a thrill at first. But now, it's simply a matter of personal comfort and preference. The problem is that I want romance, and for that, I have to live in both modes. It doesn't bother me to go out as Mario. It's simply that I prefer going out as Marian. But this is not the cause of my ennui.
When I was young, a lot of things excited me. Now, I take many things in stride, knowing that any excitement I get is only momentary. My last cruise invigorated me, but it was a great let down when I had to come home and go to work the next day. Now that I have a bucket list cruise on my docket, I an looking forward to the change of pace it will deliver. I will be in a much better mood when I travel, as I will be a little bit out of my comfort zone - and being energized because of that.
Each time I go to work, I end up being depressed for the first part of the day. The repetitive nature of my work puts me to sleep, and I want to be doing something different if I have to wake up so early. Yet, by the time afternoon comes, I am more energized, and I can sail through the rest of the day without many problems. Is the job worth the money I get for doing it? I'm not sure. Sooner or later, I will quit this job, and I know I will feel relief. Yet, it may put me into the funk I felt in 2000 when the Covid shutdown took place.
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2002 leaves me looking forward to change. I just hope that I feel more energized soon....
