I had lunch with "Short" Vicki today, and I'm glad we're friends who live in different worlds.

 

Last night, I didn't get a good night's sleep.  Although I went to bed earlier than usual, I passed out around 2 am, and woke up sometime around 5 am for a bio-break.  At this point, my body was awake enough to resist falling back to sleep, causing me to wish that I didn't have lunch scheduled with "Short" Vicki today.

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Vicki made a mistake in the choice of restaurant.  She thought it would be open at 11:30 am, and it didn't open until noon.  This didn't matter much, as I noted that I was feeling a little bit "Off" today.  Could it be the ennui I've been feeling as of late?  Or, could I be suffering with over stimulation to what's going on in the world as of late.  In short, I don't feel like I'm accomplishing much, and that I don't have the energy to participate in life.  Hopefully, Vicki will understand the mental malaise I've been dealing with lately.

We caught up on what's been going on in our lives, and I realized that she and I live in two very different worlds.  She's out and about regarding her sexuality, where I still keep part of myself in a closet - for practical reasons, given this administration.  Vicki said that I shouldn't fear US Customs upon returning to the US from a cruise, but I can't be sure of this given how border control has been hassling "certain people".  I don't want to get caught in their BS and be the person who has to fight to defend myself. But then, I'll admit that I could be over reacting to the news as of late.  Yet, I feel that my knowledge of history is telling me to be werry, werry careful - Elmer the snowflake may soon be hunting transgender wabbits.

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After lunch, I went home to rest.  And I know that I passed out on the couch watching TV.  This is what I needed, although I am likely to be up through the night.  I'll catch up on some of my chores tomorrow....

Ennui - It's part of what I've been dealing with for the past 2 years.

En·nui
noun: ennui

a feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from a lack of occupation or excitement.

"he succumbed to ennui and despair"

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I'm not sure of whether I was experiencing ennui before I broke up with my last serious girlfriend. But I certainly felt it after we broke up.  As BB King titled one of his songs, "The Thrill is Gone."  Or, it has been for a while for me.  It was important for me to find something to excite me, and I was lucky not to fall into the rabbit hole of abuse of mind altering substances.  I had to identify and confront my feelings during the past two years.

The act of going to work in Marian mode was a thrill at first. But now, it's simply a matter of personal comfort and preference.  The problem is that I want romance, and for that, I have to live in both modes. It doesn't bother me to go out as Mario.  It's simply that I prefer going out as Marian.  But this is not the cause of my ennui.

When I was young, a lot of things excited me.  Now, I take many things in stride, knowing that any excitement I get is only momentary.  My last cruise invigorated me, but it was a great let down when I had to come home and go to work the next day.  Now that I have a bucket list cruise on my docket, I an looking forward to the change of pace it will deliver.  I will be in a much better mood when I travel, as I will be a little bit out of my comfort zone - and being energized because of that.

Each time I go to work, I end up being depressed for the first part of the day.  The repetitive nature of my work puts me to sleep, and I want to be doing something different if I have to wake up so early.  Yet, by the time afternoon comes, I am more energized, and I can sail through the rest of the day without many problems.  Is the job worth the money I get for doing it?  I'm not sure.  Sooner or later, I will quit this job, and I know I will feel relief.  Yet, it may put me into the funk I felt in 2000 when the Covid shutdown took place.

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2002 leaves me looking forward to change.  I just hope that I feel more energized soon....