A letter from a friend.

 

In 2019, I went on a solo cruise, leaving both FCP and XGFJ at home.  This was one of my most enjoyable cruises, as I did not have to care about what someone else was doing.  I didn't have to deal with FCP wanting to be the center of attention, and I didn't have to care about XGFJ dragging me out to do things I wasn't interested in at the time.  This cruise was all about me and my relaxation, and I enjoyed all the days I was on the cruise.

On the cruise, I met two people I wanted to keep in touch with.  One fell by the wayside.  The other, I'm still in contact with today.  This person (who I'll call CLK) lives in Canada, and we haven't seen each other since that cruise.  After Covid travel restrictions were relaxed, she passed through the NYC area on her way to/from a cruise.  Unfortunately, we weren't able to connect with each other then.  And today, I received a response to an email I wrote a couple of days ago.

CLK has been busy with her career, and is busy taking care of her aging parents.  Before Covid hit, she was scheduled to take a Panama Canal cruise on my favorite NCL ship.  Sadly, her mom had some ailments which caused CLK to cancel her cruise, and then Covid struck.  Things became hectic for CLK, as being a caregiver took up the past 2 years of her life outside of her full time job, and she had some issues of her own.

It's always a pleasure to receive a letter from CLK, as it allows us to keep in contact - and hopefully, meet up with each other again.  She now has a cruise scheduled with her family scheduled for later this year, and has a moonlighting gig as well.  I'm rooting for her and her family, as her mom is dealing with health issues typical of someone born 80-90 years ago.  I hope that next time I receive an email, that some of her mom's issues have been successfully dealt with.  But until then, I'll just wait for her next email....

Ennui - It's part of what I've been dealing with for the past 2 years.

En·nui
noun: ennui

a feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from a lack of occupation or excitement.

"he succumbed to ennui and despair"

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I'm not sure of whether I was experiencing ennui before I broke up with my last serious girlfriend. But I certainly felt it after we broke up.  As BB King titled one of his songs, "The Thrill is Gone."  Or, it has been for a while for me.  It was important for me to find something to excite me, and I was lucky not to fall into the rabbit hole of abuse of mind altering substances.  I had to identify and confront my feelings during the past two years.

The act of going to work in Marian mode was a thrill at first. But now, it's simply a matter of personal comfort and preference.  The problem is that I want romance, and for that, I have to live in both modes. It doesn't bother me to go out as Mario.  It's simply that I prefer going out as Marian.  But this is not the cause of my ennui.

When I was young, a lot of things excited me.  Now, I take many things in stride, knowing that any excitement I get is only momentary.  My last cruise invigorated me, but it was a great let down when I had to come home and go to work the next day.  Now that I have a bucket list cruise on my docket, I an looking forward to the change of pace it will deliver.  I will be in a much better mood when I travel, as I will be a little bit out of my comfort zone - and being energized because of that.

Each time I go to work, I end up being depressed for the first part of the day.  The repetitive nature of my work puts me to sleep, and I want to be doing something different if I have to wake up so early.  Yet, by the time afternoon comes, I am more energized, and I can sail through the rest of the day without many problems.  Is the job worth the money I get for doing it?  I'm not sure.  Sooner or later, I will quit this job, and I know I will feel relief.  Yet, it may put me into the funk I felt in 2000 when the Covid shutdown took place.

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2002 leaves me looking forward to change.  I just hope that I feel more energized soon....