Sometimes, it's too much of a bother to present as Marian (a short post)

 

Yesterday, we spent some time straightening out the apartment.  One of the things i did was to find a "new" blanket in my cedar chest and put it on my bed, along with a "new" mattress pad.  This meant that I'll have to restock with new ones later on - especially when the "new" blanket has been sitting in the chest for years, and is suffering from a form of dry rot (found this morning).

But this is not what I intended to talk about today....

I wasn't in the mood to spend the time to shave and apply makeup just to go to Walmart.  If I were a cisgender female, this wouldn't be an issue for me.  However, I am trans, and do not look that much like a female without makeup.  So, I figured it was time for Mario to make an appearance.

Walmart is only 15 minutes from my place.  Both RQS and I were able to get showered and dressed quickly, so that we could make it to Walmart and to the local grocery store before 7:30 pm.  (We were thinking of doing some laundry when the machines weren't busy.)  I was glad not to make myself up, as I would have hated to clean off the makeup after 2 hours out of the house.

Did we get around to doing laundry?  No.  But we did get out of the house for a couple of hours.

How do you talk to a friend named Maria....

 

I've known my friend Maria for almost as long as I've lived in my apartment.  We worked together near the beginning of our careers, and we've kept in contact with each other through the loss of my wife, her divorce, and the loss of her second husband.  Neither of us has been available when the other has been free, and that's a plus for a good friendship.  I'm probably the only person who can say that she slept in my bed every night for several months, and there was nothing immoral about it.  (I lent her a folding cot with thick mattress, as her ex-husband stole all of the bedroom furniture in the house.  My 'bed' was over 35 miles away when she slept in it.)

Maria knows me both as Mario and as Marian, and is comfortable with me in both presentations.  She leans to the right politically, while I lean to the left.  And yet, she finds what is going on in DC these days very disturbing.  So, when I started discussing politics, she didn't challenge me on the facts - she knew that the Orange Snowflake is up to no good.

The real reason for us getting together was to have lunch - we haven't been able to do so in months.  The secondary reason was to have some paperwork notarized.  Over lunch, I found out that her two grand-kids are living at home again, and that the eldest has already entered puberty.  (If I ever go through that experience again, it will be because of estrogen, not testosterone, like my first puberty.  But I digress.)  The younger of the two grand-kids is still cute.  I can only imagine what it will be like when this child enters puberty.  As you can guess, when a grandmother is raising her grandchildren, it takes a lot of energy out of a person, leaving little left for her volunteer work and for her social life.

Lunch lasted over 2 hours, and at the end, she notarized some of the documents I'll need to apply for my second passport.  And then, we left Cold Spring to go our separate ways....

- - - - - -

I had no energy when I got home, and it was all I could to so that 2 loads of laundry could get done.  By the time it was done, I had decided to blow off game night for a change.  I never do this.  But with RQS coming up tomorrow, I wanted to be ready for her arrival in the afternoon.

Later in the evening, RQS and I got into a long discussion about my brother, the family homestead, and interactions with  both friends and family.  I mentioned my friend Nan from the AOL Widows/Widowers chat room (long disbanded) and a wish to visit her in the "North Country"  RQS was up for it (she wanted some new photo opportunities), so I sent a DM to Nan to see if it would be OK.  Hopefully, she will be up for visitors, as I know that people in their 80's don't have a lot of life in front of them....

By the time you read this, I'll be back from my cruise.

 

I've been alluding to this cruise for a while.  However, for purposes of safety, I didn't want to start talking about it until I returned.

- - - - - -

When we booked this cruise, I was thinking of how RQS and I could spend some time together in a warm climate, while I presented as Marian for a few days.  Over time, we settled on the above 10 day cruise.  But the idea of me spending time as Marian went by the wayside, as I couldn't get information from the DR regarding whether I'd have problems with a gender presentation which conflicts with my legal ID.  In addition, we had a snowstorm the weekend before we left, followed by sub freezing temperatures until the day we were to board the ship.

After the holiday season, the thing I wanted to do most was to hunker down inside for a few months and come out of hibernation when spring comes.  Instead, I ended up having to plan for a trip I wasn't completely excited about taking.  About the only thing that interested me about this trip was the possibility of visiting historic sites in San Juan, something which was impossible when I made port there on an NCL cruise which arrived after 4 pm.

As I've mentioned in this and my other blog, I am not a fan of cruise lines "hot docking" their ships, so that multiple ships can be in port on the same day.  I feel that this is a disservice to cruisers, as one is often unable to have a chance to properly enjoy a port. In fact, I chose an Alaska cruise with one of my criteria being whether the ship spent a full day in each of the Alaskan ports where the ship docked.  Our January cruise does not "hot dock" at any of its ports, but it will spend 6 days at sea (including Embarkation day) on a 10-day cruise.  We made a trade-off to have full port days and extra days at sea to have our 10-day getaway.

Given that we are sailing on MSC in a sub-optimal inside cabin below the entrance to the buffet, I expect that we'll have to deal with noise coming from the deck above. Neither RQS nor I are impressed by the quality of MSC's entertainment.  Yet, it is good enough for us to have considered sailing the line again.  The same goes for the food.  Unlike what we got used to on Princess and NCL, MSC's specialty dinner package offerings do not give the same bang per buck. On this trip, we opted NOT to buy specialty meal packages in advance and to enjoy the food served in the main dining room, with the possible exception of going to the on-board taco joint..

MSC is a line known for low priced cruising.  It also has some of the most reasonably priced shore excursions compared with similar excursions offered by NCL  Both RQS and I feel that NCL's excursions have been excessively marked up by the cruise line.  Contrast this with MSC, where we get good excursions at a very reasonable price.  On our past Bermuda cruises, NCL was charging $140 for a tour that visited the Crystal Caves, while MSC charged $80 for a similar experience.  (I may be comparing apples to pears here, as NCL offered an extra stop on its tour.)  Yes, MSC does a quite bit of nickel-diming, but in general one will get decent value for money spent.

While I'm cruising, I'll be writing posts about the cruise that you'll be seeing here over the next few days. Hopefully, you will enjoy our exploits.  One thing I am certain to do will be to ask the people at the pier whether "My Sister" (as I refer to myself when presenting as Mario) will have trouble at the port if she presents as Marian, but presents Mario's ID.  (It worked in Bermuda, why not elsewhere?)

A day I should have done more things, but didn't

I had only one thing to take care of today, and I was lucky to even get that in because of how lazy I was feeling.  Did I really want to go out in the cold?  No!  But I had to pick up RQS's dress at the cleaner's, so that she'd have it onboard the cruise we'll be taking soon.  That forced me to get out of bed and get ready to go outside.  And today might be the last day I can spend even part of my time in Marian mode.

- - - - - -

The first thing I did upon waking up was to get my head together and figure out what I was going to do for the day.  One of the things on my list was to check in with DCD's ex to see if he made it back to her place.  (This would trigger her dumping him back at the hospital, saying that the man is homeless and has nowhere to live - her house was off limits.)  No news on that front.

Next, I expected a phone call from a firm which provides dietary and lifestyle coaching.  My doctor recommended this organization's services to me, saying that they could help me lose weight.  Given that I'm going on a cruise soon, I said that I'd look to start things up when I return from my upcoming cruise.

And then, I finally got showered and dressed to attack the world as Marian.  I wanted to wear my sweater dress.  But to do so, I needed to wear some thermal tights.  One problem.  The flannel tights I have are not control top tights.  So I felt that everything kept slipping down in back as I moved.  (Next time, I'll wear a pair of control top tights and put up with a little bit of the cold.)  Once dressed and made up, I was off to the tailor's to pick up the dress. The last time I was at this dry cleaning/tailoring shop, a different lady ran the place.  Now, the place looks more minimal than in the past, and the former proprietor was gone. This was a shame - I liked the former proprietor, and wished I could have struck up another conversation with her.

Not having any plans of where to go, it was off to Barnes and Noble to look at some books and kill time.  I knew that when I got home, that I would have to start packing for my upcoming cruise, as I had to drop off a large suitcase at RQS's place this weekend.  Arriving home, I found a package from Lane Bryant which contained matching panties for a nightie she gave me for Xmas.  I intend to wear the set for her when she's up here for Valentine's day.

Finally, I got around to packing.  This was my least favorite chore for the day, as I would have to be out and about as Mario for over a week.  At least, RQS and I agreed on the shore excursions we plan to take in San Juan.

Doing nothing in the middle of the week.

 

Today's entry was written on New Years Day.  Neither RQS nor I felt like getting dressed today, so we took care of little things that we could do around the apartment.  Yet, most of the day, we were sitting around and watching YouTube videos.  RQS decided to bake some rye bread, and she took care of that during breaks in videos.

- - - - - -

So, why am I posting today's entry, instead of writing a "thought piece"?  The answer is simple.  I don't want to dwell on current events, as the prospects of what will happen on January 20th gets me upset.  With that being said, I am glad that the late President Carter's death will result in flags flying at half mast throughout most of January.

Over the past few hours, several people from my present and past sent me New Years' wishes, including a woman I once dated. However, the one communication I didn't expect was from DCD's ex-girlfriend, N.  Even though DCD is no longer N's boyfriend, she still tries to throw him some work to help him get by.  Unfortunately, DCD has gone incommunicado since the day after Christmas, and she hasn't been able to reach him for a shift scheduled for the end of the week.  I feel sorry for DCD, as both his age and health will get in the way of a "normal" job.

Several years ago, DCD had a benign brain tumor.  If I had heard him explain why he hasn't been working for a while, I wouldn't hire him due to the health insurance risk my firm might be taking on.  (Another reason for single payer healthcare.  For the time I've known him, DCD has never been able to own up to his failures and learn from them.  Last year, while driving him home from work (after a dinner at a diner), he talkws about his family holding an intervention for him.  Knowing him, he probably retreated into himself and walled himself off from honest criticisms of his behavior.  

When I sold DCD my Honda, I expected that he would be able to pay me $100/month until 24 payments were made.  Although I received 3 payments, he has avoided me since the 3rd payment.  I wouldn't push him into paying me, given that he still wants to try paying child support for his 2 kids.  It is unfortunate that he either refuses to get his support adjusted to reflect his lack of salary, or that he is unable to get the support amount changed due to other actions on his part. So, I will consider it a miracle if he ever finishes paying for the car, as I expect that he will pass away as an indigent without anyone being notified of it.

- - - - - -

On other matters....

RQS would like to get off of the ship at each port of our upcoming cruise.  I feel that it might be risky to travel as Marian and get off at some ports.  Since one of our stops will be in a port I have never visited before, I decided to write to the island's tourist bureau to find out whether I could travel as Marian, and still carry Mario's ID.  Depending on the answer to this question (and others I may have of other authorities), I will either travel as Marian (my preference) or as Mario (my default).

Given all of the positive feelings that have been expressed about Luigi Mangione and the healthcare CEO assassination, I wonder if he can get a fair trial.  A truly impartial jury will be totally ignorant of the world around them, something I wouldn't want for a jury evaluating evidence presented against me.  A biased jury will react to many things, including their opinions about the accused and their victim.  Given that our incoming president is being paid off by the highest bidder, I would love to see our current president pardon Luigi at the end of his term.  This will not affect the New York State case against this man.  But it can send a powerful message to the healthcare industry that the public is sick and tired of the abuses of that industry and will not take it any longer.

RQS noted that my brother tends to tune me out when I talk, possibly because I present facts with details before my conclusions.  Sadly, he doesn't realize that he does something similar.  But then, if we weren't related, we wouldn't bother being friends.  I find it amazing that we came from the same family.  But even more so, he is not a person who is introspective in any way.  I guess that my path in life made it possible for me to improve myself by learning from experiences - something I don't think my brother has done.

Well, enough for now.....

The darned thing has been assembled, and the old chest is gone!

 

The chest has finally been assembled, and the old one is out of the house.  But this wasn't the simple thing that it sounds like.  

- - - - - -

When we awoke this morning, I had to figure out a way to get the old chest into a place in the living room with enough space for me to slide the new chest in its place.  This was not a task I was going to do as Marian, as I knew I was going to work up a sweat and ruin the nightie that I was given for Christmas.  Instead, I put on the clothes I had worn a couple days before and then started my process.

First, I had already emptied the chest of things I wanted to keep which were previously stored inside. However, I still had to disconnect the TV that sat upon the old chest and place it in a safe place - my bed.  And only then, could I extricate it from its space in my bedroom.  As I pulled it out, it started falling apart, due to it being a cheap piece of furniture from 40+ years ago. Even worse, there was a lot of dust and cobwebs behind the chest that I had to clean out, as I might never go back there for several years.

Once I got the old chest in a safe place, it was time to slide the new chest in its place.  The first problem I encountered was that the sliders didn't help me move the chest past the carpet protectors in my desk area.  To deal with this, I tilted the new chest up, and asked RQS to put sliders back into places where they could again do their function.  The next problem came soon enough.  The new chest was slightly wider than the old chest, and I had to snug it against another chest and my air conditioner.  AARGH!  And this led to the third problem: I had to use a slider to left the adjacent chest 3/8", so that the decorative overhang on the top of the adjacent chest would not be pulled up from the body of that chest. Finally, the new chest was in place, and I began to transfer clothing from another chest to the new chest, giving RQS a place to put her clothes.

Now, I had one more task to take care of: Bringing the old chest down to the dumpster area to be picked up with the next bilk trash pickup.  To do this, I had to lift the old chest over an end table, and then wedge it through the doorway and onto the top landing.  While doing this, the old chest started falling apart,  One crossbeam and a 3/8" laminate board came off the side, making the chest unusable for any scavenger that may come upon it in a dumpster dive.  Other pieces came undone while I dragged the chest down the steps and over to the dumpster area.  A little later, RQS took the drawers and placed them by the (now) destroyed chest.  Sadly, if this chest was as solid as the inexpensive Ikea chest that replaced it, it would still be in my apartment.

- - - - - -

Did I really need to deal with replacing this chest now?  Probably not.  But since the old chest's drawer glides were broken, I could no longer use the chest to store anything I wanted to get at on a regular basis.  Now, I can get to my lingerie and some of my feminine wardrobe without problem.  Maybe now, I can go shopping in my dresser and closet again, and not buy things to only end up in a donation bag several years later.

And now: Same Bat Time, Same Bat Channel

 

When I was young, I loved watching this show.  Yes, it was campy.  But it was fun to watch.  It's a shame that this show was done with a campy style, as the tone of the Batman comics was much darker in spirit.  But what does this have to do with my life?

Well, many of us have to live two separate lives.  One out of circumstance, and the other out of choice.  The first life is what others expect of you.  The other is what you expect from yourself.  Most of the time, our outer and inner lives are in rough synchronization with each other.  Other times, they are not.  In the case of the fictional crime fighter, his Batman persona was a way of coping with the damage done to him in his past.  In my case, it is my true spirit coming out of a cocoon.

Last night (as I write this), I had a conversation with Vicki.  She noted that my personality as Mario and Marian is the same person, just expressed in two very different ways.  RQS sees this, regardless of what clothing I am wearing.  But what is this difference?  Vicki feels that Marian's personality expression reflects the lack of both the familial emotional damage done to Mario as a child and the social emotional damage that would have been done to Marian had she been born with a female body.  There is a certain emotional strength in Marian that Mario could never have, as she never suffered the blows that most children have received while growing up.

Why is this important?

I realize that I never want to give up my life as Marian for anything.  Yet, it is threatened by the undercurrents of today's politics.  A conservative gay man who made a case for same-sex marriage long before it was the law of the land once noted that he was surprised to see this happen in his lifetime.  Same-sex marriage only challenges one of one of our traditional beliefs: Heterosexual relationships are a cornerstone of our society's values.  Society begrudgingly acknowledged gay and lesbian rights and moved on to other struggles.  But that left transgender people with fewer allies.  

The existence of transgenders challenges something more basic in society, the idea that people could be born with the mind of one gender, but be housed in the body of the other.  I'm reminded of a joke from the "Addams Family Values" movie where Morticia delivers her newborn child.  Gomez pops out into the waiting room where everyone is asking: "What is it?"  And Gomex proudly announces: "It's an Addams!"  It's not the answer most of us were expecting to hear, but it is an equally correct one that challenges our standard mode of thinking.  To most of us, one's sex/gender is the most basic form of identification one can have - and it is fixed at birth.  To Gomez, it is simply that he had a healthy child.

Right now, my rights are protected in most of the "Blue States".  But they are being attacked in congress, as Sarah McBride may be denied her right to go to the women's loo in peace.  Sarah understands the nature of the game.  But most people do not.  They see the world in binary terms such as reproductive gender and not the fluidity found throughout nature.

As for me, I will continue exercising my rights to go out as Marian, as this is the personality that best fits who I am.  She may evolve, like most of us do over time.  Yet, she will feel more like a whole person while doing so. This is the most important thing to me - to be true to myself.

I don't have much to say for today, save that I couldn't eat the whole thing.

 

OK, I know I have to go on a diet other than "See Food".  But when it's a once-a-year dinner at a good restaurant and service is slow, it's hard for me NOT to chow down from the bread basket.

- - - - - -

I didn't want to get up today.  It was raining outside, and they predicted more extreme weather by dinnertime.  For the most part, I stayed in my jammies and watched videos most of the day.  That is until I found a 7-8 year old computer that was once my dad's machine until he passed away.  Although the computer runs Windows 10, it can't be upgraded to Windows 11 because it doesn't have a TPM module.  (Even more important, the machine still uses rotating disk memory and is way too slow compared to modern machines.)  So, I have two Windows 10 machines that can't be upgraded, and I don't know what to do with them.

Next, I had to get showered and dressed.  Although I really want to go out as Marian, I'm not going to out myself to people I'm not sure would respect me after the outing.  (There are still some advantages to presenting as a male, and I have to take advantage of them while on the co-op board.)  Just before I was to pick up my fellow board members, I decided to finally subscribe to a new anti virus platform.  This was easier than I thought it would be.  But it will be way too expensive to stay on this platform after this subscription period ends.

Once done with installing the new software, it was off to pick up my fellow co-op board members, and then to the restaurant.  At the restaurant, we met the new site manager, our accountant and our lawyer.  As much as we discussed formal business with our experts, we also participated in normal social chit chat.  Service was slow, and I ate too much - simply because the bread basket was right in front of me. And then the food came!  In this episode of "(Wo)man vs. Food", Food won this round.  I ended up bringing the seafood home, only to trash it in the dumpster.  After 2-3 hours, I wasn't going to trust the safety of a seafood dish, and I wasn't going to reheat it for tomorrow's meal.  So the only thing I figured I should do is toss the leftovers because it was the safest thing to do.

- - - - - -

Tomorrow will be another day.  And I am scheduled to go to another meetup.  Like the last one, I'm not certain about going.  I'll make a decision about it tomorrow morning....

The Co-Op meeting was the most I could deal with today.

 

It was raining on and off today, and I had to be home in the evening for a co-op board meeting. We had a lot to discuss today, and the (to be) former site manager didn't show up, as he had an excuse (as usual) that prevented him from attending our meeting.  

- - - - - -

If it had been better weather, I'd have liked to go out as Marian and do some shopping.  However, this was not a day to go outside and brave the elements - I wasn't in the mood to get showered and dressed, much less turn myself into Marian and return to Mario mode for the evening. So, I relaxed in bed most of the day, and decided to get ready for the co-op meeting at 6 pm.

6 pm came, and I started the zoom meeting.  Eventually, all of the board members arrived, and we got some more disturbing news about events that took place since our last monthly meeting.  Suffice it to say, that none of us were happy.  One board member keeps acting as if our president can do more than she's already doing, and this pisses off both the president and myself.  This person is as useless as tits on a bull. And we're both tired of her.

Soon enough, the meeting ended - and I am ending up driving 2 people to dinner tomorrow.  Too bad that I have to be in Mario mode for this dinner.  But, I am looking forward to Thursday when I can again present as Marian again.

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming....

 

By the time you read this, Christmas will have passed.  I can't wait for the holiday season to end, as it will allow me to get back to my regularly scheduled activities - such as watching movies NOT related to the holiday.

- - - - - -

I'm writing this post a little over 2 weeks before Christmas.  And a lot will happen between now and then. For example, I will be seeing my doctor for the first time in a few months, and he will likely read me the riot act for not losing weight.  I'll  wear my hair suit, and note that the Zepbound he prescribed is not covered by my drug formulary.  (I'll have to check this out in 2025, as I want to finally do what I've should have been doing all along - live a more healthy life, and lose weight as a byproduct of my actions.  I may need to have a different GLP-1 Agonist drug prescribed for me, so that it is covered by Medicare.)  I'll also be seeing my sleep doctor for the last time before he retires, and get a referral to a new sleep doctor.  (I'll also ask him for a copy of my script, so that I can buy a travel CPAP unit.)

Not all of the things that will be going on in my life will be health related.  For example, RQS and I will be attending a choral performance where one of the singers has been a member of the Yonkers gaming group I belong to.  A week later, we will be seeing Darlene Love in concert again.  She doesn't yet know that I also plan to buy her tickets to a Broadway show that will be performed on the same day that her Boston friend wants her there for a baby shower.  RQS will be very happy that I've made it possible for her to decline the invite, saying that I surprised her with show tickets.

There will be some serious things that must be taken care of.  My co-op is switching to a new management firm, and we have to make sure that we do our part in this transition.  For example, I've already had to sign paperwork to give me signing authority for the co-op, and access to the bank accounts being opened up for us.  We'll soon have our yearly holiday dinner, and that will give us the chance to get to know our new site manager in an informal setting.  Hopefully, they will do a much better job for us than the old firm has done.

Of course, I'll be catching up on my social engagements, such as seeing my friend from the census, as well as attending a meetup or two that will take place before the holiday.  I expect that I'll be quite busy through year end.  Hopefully, I'll be spending most of my time as Marian, and not as Mario.  Christmas Eve dinner will be spent as Marian, and I'm hoping we get an invite, so that New Year's Eve can be spent this way as well.  Keep your fingers crossed....

It's been a long time since I was at a meetup

 

TCL will never understand why I attend meetups as Marian.  But then, she can never understand what it's like being transgender, and why I want to live life as a female.  So, I only try to get together with her when I know I'll have to be in Mario mode for something else that day.

- - - - - -

Today was not a day I would have wanted to see TCL.  I was lethargic for most of the day, and I would have skipped out on going to a meetup had I committed myself to this dinner in Pleasantville.  So I made sure to set several alarms to get me moving when I needed to do so.  

Around 4 pm, I got showered and dressed.  However, I didn't know what to wear.  It was too chilly for me to wear a dress, as I would have stood out from cisgender women on a day like this.  So I looked for a comfortable sweater top and a pair of women's trousers I could wear, and found something I haven't worn in a couple of years.

I arrived in Pleasantville 30 minutes early, and decided to play games on my phone to kill time.  Shortly after I walked into the restaurant, DS showed up.  A few minutes later, everyone else showed up, and we proceeded to order dinner.  After some more time, my Jambalaya arrived, and I was getting stuffed before I finished what was on my plate.  But I made sure to leave room for bread pudding for dessert.  

Around 8:30 pm, it was time to go.  As I walked to my car, one of the fellows at the meetup complimented me on what I was wearing.  Was this a polite comment?  Or, was he trying to show an interest in getting to know me better?  I didn't have the benefit of a young adulthood as a female, so I'm not always sure of how to read men while out as Marian.  But at least, I know this fellow to be a harmless gentleman....

It would have been my late wife's 70th birthday today

 

Above is a photo of my late wife.  She was a wonderful woman, but not without her flaws. She, like the building she was in, is long gone.  But why am I mentioning this here today?

- - - - - -

I've been widowed more than twice as long as I was married.  Little things such as the color of her eyes have become hard to remember.  Only other little things remain, such as she said the word "Nasty".  And yet, she has always remained a presence in my life - if only as a memory that connects me to being a young, immature adult.

My wife knew that I enjoyed wearing women's clothing.  But I never would dare going outside in such things.  She tolerated me more than anything else.  Yet, I wonder what she would think had she survived her cancer and lived to this day.  Would we have gotten divorced over this, or for other reasons.  (If so, it would likely be our lack of communications skills, and for resentments that built themselves up over time.)  Would she have embraced me, and encouraged me to become the trans woman I became?  (This is less likely, given that we would be Baby Boomers with all the prejudices absorbed during that era.)  Would I have been satisfied with her after another 10+ years?  Would the love still be there after all we would have gone through?  There are so many questions that can't be answered, as that time line never came to be.

Losing my wife at the age of 39 did one hell of a number on me.  It made me afraid of not having someone to cling to when times got rough.  Yet, I didn't have the emotional age to supply that support to others.  After she died, I ended up in a string of relationships over the next 25 years before finding my current partner.  Will we stand the test of time?  I don't know.  But we have gotten off to a good start.

- - - - - -

Being trans puts a crimp into finding romantic partners.  Aging puts a crimp into finding new friends. As an older trans person, I understand why many older trans people can get quite depressed - I've been a victim of depression myself.  Yet, I make the choice every day - do I get up and live, or do I give in to depression?  So far, I choose to live.

If my wife had lived, we'd likely have become poor parents.  Since she couldn't bear children, we'd have had to adopt a child.  But then, we'd have to move to a bigger place that we couldn't afford on my salary.  Could I have done better in my career and progressed further (with appropriate pay increases)? I'm not so sure, as I didn't have the emotional maturity to deal with a wide range of people.  So, I consider it lucky that we didn't have kids, as I don't think I'd have been able to raise them on my own.

- - - - - -

At this time of year, I often look backwards and examine where I have been and how I could have done better in life.  Recently, I realized something from childhood that I don't like - I used to look for the simple, brute force solution for problems.  It took me many years to look for subtle solutions to more complex problems.  Too bad that I didn't have this kind of insight earlier in life.

Yet, as I said in earlier posts, I now try to take life one day at a time.  I am concerned about the chaos our next president may bring.  But it is not triggering paralyzing fear, as it is now doing in many on the left.  There is a clarity I have now that I wouldn't have had a decade ago.  Is it because I've gained some wisdom?  Or, am I taking advantage of depression, and living life without a guarantee of a brighter tomorrow?  Who knows?  This doesn't mean that I can't get worked up when thinking about the possible chaos.  It only means that I'm choosing to maintain a healthy emotional distance from the potential chaos and not getting sucked into intense feelings when not needed.

As a trans person, I am concerned about what will happen over the next few years.  But, having lost a spouse, I have a better perspective on life.  She needed to be with someone with a cooler head than she had, and I now need to stay cool while chaos is all around.  And as long as I can, I'll try to keep posting here while I have something to say about the world we live in.

Lunch and Dinner with friends, interrupted by a walk around a mall.

 

Today was marked by two meals out.  Lunch was with MSJ (My friend from the imaging firm I once worked for) and Dinner was with Vicki #1.  I'm lucky I had extra money to spend, as I have another lunch scheduled for tomorrow.

- - - - - -

MSJ and I scheduled today's lunch, so that I could review and comment on her resume. For the most part, it is a good representation of her career, and had few areas needed changing.  The first was was to change her phrasing into

Action → Result

from

Result → Action

This was the easiest thing to do.  But then, we had to figure what could safely be pruned from her resume without significant loss of demonstrated skill sets.  And this forced us to leave in a job or two which she'd like to skip over, and forward fill some dates from self employment to allow her to omit an unwanted job.  Additionally, we changed a reference of a subsidiary to that of a corporate parent, to make her employment appear as she worked for fewer organizations.  

Hopefully, the edits I expect that she'll be making will help her get a new job.  We've scheduled another lunch to review her edits.

- - - - - -

Vicki called just as I was going to spend a little time at Woodbury Commons (outlet mall) to do some browsing.  Although the trip to the mall was a waste of time and car mileage, I was able to chat with Vicki for a while and schedule dinner for the evening.

While at the outlet mall, I found nothing interesting to buy.  Everything was either overpriced status brands, or clothing which would not fit me.  As I was walking back to my car, the front part of my right shoe separated from its base.  Since these were cheap shoes, I decided to trash them when I got home instead of fixing the sole with glue. To kill a little more time, I decided to write up meeting minutes for last night's co-op board meeting, and rest a little before going to the diner to meet Vicki.

- - - - - -

We met at the local diner, and both of us had the chicken.  She had grilled chicken breasts, while I had the roast.  Both were good.  And we grumbled about the short term mentality of the American public, and how America's greatest snake oil salesman will  likely hurt people like us.  It'll take a while for our anger to burn itself out.  But then, can you blame us given the radical changes he promises.  To make things worse, he will likely never be punished for the crimes he committed, as his party refuses to discipline him.

We left the diner around 8:45 pm.  From there, I took a little drive (adding more needless mileage to my car), and saw how Route 9A was being diverted in both directions onto other roads.  Needless to say, I took different side roads to get back home for the night. 

PS: One thing Vicki noted: When I'm with her, I defer to an alpha as a cisgender female tends to do.  When RQS is around, she defers to me in a similar way - regardless of my gender presentation. 

The weekend seemed way too short for us. (a short post)

 

Veterans Day.  Neither of us had any idea of what we wanted to do.  So, we ended up relaxing in the morning, then going shopping in the afternoon. To us, it was like having a second Sunday during the week, and we took advantage of it.

This was going to be a day spent as Marian, so I made sure to make myself look as nice as possible while looking comfortable. It was not a day to have one's legs exposed, so I decided to wear a pair of leggings under a dress I like using as a tunic top.  Is this what I would prefer to wear?  No.  But who likes having to wear fall/winter weather clothing?

Our first stop was the Mt. Kisco Target, where I bought a few items I would need for my makeup routine.  That's where we fond out that the CVS Pharmacy inside the store was so independent from Target, that the crew inside the pharmacy area didn't have a clue in which aisle RQS could find items she was looking for.  So, we trekked down to the CVS near the Mt. Kisco hospital, where remodeling got in the way of her finding the same items.  But she was in luck - those items were on the shelves, and made it into her shopping cart.

Then it was time for a rest before going out to the local Japanese restaurant to eat.  Both of us were full by the time we left the place, and both of us wanted sleep more than anything else. We were in for the evening, and felt good that we left the house when it wasn't needed.

I wish it were legal to kill rude neighbors, but we called the police instead.

 

When we first started to talk about what we were doing this weekend, I was originally planning to go to RQS's place as Marian.  However, I didn't have enough of my winter wardrobe ready for a cold weekend (cold by recent standards, that is) in NYC.  So, I surprised RQS by picking her up at the doctor's office as Mario and was lucky to find a spot near her house.

Why were we in NYC this weekend?

When one has an apartment in an older part of the city, one has to deal with vermin of all sorts (rodents, roaches, and other unwanted critters) on a regular basis.  This weekend, the exterminator was scheduled to come between 12 and 1 pm.  (In the past, he was scheduled to come between 10 am and noon, but things changed lately.)  So, both of us got showered and dressed, then waited - and waited for an exterminator who never came.  After a call to the super, we gave up and left for our next stop - RQS's storage compartment.

RQS has been cleaning out her storage compartment as long as I've known her.  Don't get me wrong.  She has a room sized compartment near her home which contains the detritus from her late parents' house which she has had to sort through over time.  So, we ended up spending time there, sorting through boxes, compacting empty cardboard boxes, and making it easier to get at things in the compartment.  After a couple of hours there, it was time to return to her apartment to rest a bit.

One of the movies we wanted to see is Conclave.  It is a story about what happens when a pope dies, and the political shenanigans which occur when some cardinals jockey to be elected pope.  Without giving away the final wrinkle in the film, there is bribery, there is a child born out of wedlock, and there is an incognito cardinal (with certification) who has been serving in Kabul, Afghanistan - all the things that would make a story about a papal Conclave interesting.  We highly recommend this movie for those who like intelligent drama.

Once the film was over, we ended up going back home.  And that's where things became sour.  One neighbor was having a party, playing music loud enough to make the glassware in RQS's curio cabinet rattle.  One could feel the floor thump a little due to the repetitive bass line from the loudness of the music being played.  It was 10:30 pm, and we wanted to sleep.  Our next door neighbor on the same floor was also being annoyed.  Since we couldn't be sure of whether it was the apartment below us causing the problem, or the noise was from the building next door, RQS called the police.  30 minutes later, it seemed as if things quieted down.  Just as well - I'd hate to see things continue like this because of an inconsiderate neighbor.

Bermuda Cruise 2024 #2 - Port Day # 2 (10/30/24)

 

This would turn out to be a nice day, in spite of our new friend accompanying us to breakfast, and then to St. George, Bermuda.  But first....

This would be my second day presenting as Marian on Bermuda.  The weather was a little windier and cooler than I originally planned for, so I knew that the dresses I wanted to wear on this trip might not cooperate with me while on the island.  Should I have brought a trouser like garment to wear on windy days?  As much as I'd have wanted one yesterday, I wouldn't need one by the end of the day - the winds died down quite a bit over the time we were there.

- - - - - -

Neither of us wanted to get up early.  Given that we had arranged to meet our new friend downstairs, we felt like we should keep our word and meet her.  However, this would prove to be a taxing decision, as our new friend is the type who latches onto people and expects them to do the work in a friendship.  For example, another friend of this lady said that she'd meet her at a bar near St. George.  However, she had no idea of how to get there.  Did this friend of ours do any research?  No.  It was if she expected everything to be handed to her.  Later, when we got on the ferry together, she could have asked the guides for help - but didn't.  RQS had gotten tired of this lady, and we were glad that she went out on her own after we got off the ferry.

Once on land, we saw the town crier as he announced that they would simulate the dunking of an old hag at 1:00 pm.  This sounded like too much fun to miss.  So we walked down to where the dunking was to be held, and we were not disappointed - it was fun to watch. (On the way there, we listened to a tour guide tell her group about Bermuda's connection to the American Revolution, and how it was treated before and during our war of independence - a truly friendly relationship.) But then, we wanted to get some food before going back to the ship.  So it was off to find a place where we could eat an affordable meal.

On the way back, we stumbled into a Bermuda museum dedicated mostly of Bermuda's connection to the American Civil War, and how many people in this neutral island profited off the war.  It's nice to know that this British possession had/has such a good relationship with the USA.  Although I didn't take many pictures there, it is a place well worth visiting when in St. George, Bermuda. After we found a place to eat, we went back to the ferry and took it back to our ship.  It was nice to be able to rest a bit before dinner.

 

 

 

Our next stop was the Italian restaurant onboard ship, La Cucina.  We weren't disappointed by this specialty restaurant's food.  However, we wouldn't make it a habit to eat here, as we can get good/great Italian food at many places int he NYC area. The house salad and the calamari were very good, and I couldn't finish the Osso Buco we each had as a main course.  The only disappointment, if we could have one was that we each had only one Cannoli without any espresso with Sambuca to finish off the meal properly/  Shortly after dinner, it was off to the main theater to see a show where 4 singers performed Broadway show tunes.  This was better than the usual fare on most ships, as both RQS and I were clapping by the end of the show....

Bermuda Cruise 2024 #2 - Port Day # 1 (10/29/24)

 

The day started out with having breakfast in the buffet with our new friend.  RQS mentioned that she is a relative newbie to cruising and travel, by the way she approaches things.  But I'll get into that later.

There was a part of me that was afraid to go onshore as Marian today.  Even though I asked the right questions of the right people, I am always concerned when I visit a new place as Marian.  So, when the ship pulled into port around 1:30 pm, I knew that I was going to confront my fear head on.  

While eating lunch, the ship made port and it took a while for Bermuda customs to give the ship clearance to discharge passengers.  Around 3:00 pm, we were off the ship and on our way to the Clocktower Mall to do some shopping.  And that's where I dropped $50 on a necklace and a bracelet that I could wear later on. However, the stores closed relatively early (in relation to the ship's arrival), and we ended up walking back to the ship around 5:30 pm.  

It was very windy, and my hair was all mussed up.  But I continued my walk to the pier knowing that I'd have to pull my passport out and possibly risk a confrontation.  Thankfully, my worries were all in vain.  Bermuda is now a port I can safely visit as Marian without worry.

 

Shortly after we got back on the ship, we decided to have dinner in one of the main dining rooms.  But first, we changed one of our French Restaurant reservations to the Italian restaurant onboard the ship.  Although it is one of the line's specialty restaurants, we are not impressed by Italian eateries, as they are a dime a dozen in the NYC area. 

I decided to have the Onion soup and the NY Strip steak.  Sadly, I was not impressed by the soup, as there wasn't enough cheese on top to balance out the flavor of the onions. However, the steak was as good as I remembered - not good enough for a place like Gallagher's in NYC, but good enough to enjoy on a cruise ship.  As we were about to finish our meal, we saw our friend again, and decided to meet up with her after she finished her dinner.

When we finally caught up with each other, we got a drink from the bar (a big mistake) and went to the buffet area where we could talk without shouting over the din of others yammering away.  Around 10 pm, we parted and agreed to meet tomorrow for another breakfast.

A long drive to see someone who has a short time left to him.

 

What else can I start the day with but a mention of a long drive?  My cousin has terminal cancer, and I wanted to see him in the hospice while he's still alert and able to appreciate the visit.  (I wish I could have done this for my uncle in California, but he died before I had the chance to do so.  This is why I'm spending a day on the road, which I'd rather spend packing for my upcoming trip.)

- - - - - -

This would be a day I had to spend as Mario.  So I took my ID and money out of my female wallet and transferred it to my male wallet.  When one lives in two genders, one has to always be aware of the gender in which one is presenting and who one is meeting during the day.  It can be a major scheduling effort some days, but one well worth the effort when one is forced to live this way, female to close friends, family and many acquaintances, while male to others.  Otherwise, one can easily be outed when one is not ready to do so.

Around noon, I set out for New Jersey.  Although I hit some traffic, I was able to reach my cousin's nursing home/hospice around 2:00 pm.  (The minute one sees the land the church owns here, one can make a justification to eliminate the income tax exemption given to religious entities.  But I digress....) I drove into the complex, and about 1/4 mile into it was the nursing home/hospice which my cousin was admitted into yesterday.  They had no official receptionist by the door, so I had to rap a few times before I was let in.  And then the nurse showed me the way to where my cousin was sitting.

When I first saw my cousin, he looked like he was at death's door, and it got slammed on him a few times.  His arms were black and blue (likely from the times they had to put a needle in his veins, or from the blood thinners he likely takes - I should ask my niece about this one day) and he could barely talk.  We made conversation for a few minutes before my other cousin arrived.  I talked a little bit more, but saw that my cousin was very tired - and it was time for us to depart.

On my way home, I called Vicki to find out that I had double booked events for tomorrow.  To make room to bring Vicki to the hospital and back for a day surgery, I had to postpone lunch with my friend from the census.  From having a lunch and dinner get together with separate friends, I was now taking care of Vicki - something I was more in the mood for anyway.

When I arrived home, it was time to fold laundry.  I have underwear and socks to last me for the cruise.  Now, all I have to do is fill up my suitcases....

It'll be nice to get back into a dress tomorrow.

A nice day with RQS, taken down a bit by medical news

 

No, I didn't eat any Hot Dogs today.  But I did eat some Chinese/Shanghainese Meatballs with RQS today. And then we went to Governor's Island for Open House NY and the Billion Oyster Project.

But first, I'll start at the end of the day.....

On our way home, I received a text message from my niece once removed (we're of the same age, give or take a few years.)   She told me that my cousin has pancreatic cancer, and that he will be moved to hospice in a few days.  This was not good news for many reasons, one of which was that I intended to get information from him regarding our mutual grandparents.  (I guess this is the least important thing now.)  So I will switch my ID from my female wallet to my male wallet and drive to Poughkeepsie to see him one last time.  

So now, with the better part of the day....

I got up early and dug out one of my fall/winter dresses from my closet.  Given that the overnight temperatures were in the 40's around here, I had to dress for two seasons - and neither of them that well. Luckily, I had a small day pack, in which I could stuff my denim jacket in case I needed it.  Yet, even with this dress, I felt a little bit warm - especially later when walking around Governor's Island.

RQS and I met at a Michelin rated Dim Sum joint near Penn Station: Nan Xiang Xiao Long Bao.  We feasted all too well - both of us were stuffed by the time the last of our 6 dishes arrived.  As much as I enjoyed the Soup Dumplings (their specialty), I enjoyed their udon noodles even more.  This is a great place to eat, and well worth the money we spent for the meal.

Our next stop was Governor's Island.  We took the 7th Avenue local to South Ferry, and made it to the Governor's Island ferry in time for the 2:30 shuttle to the island.  While waiting in line, both of us noticed a large number of Orthodox (and some Ultra Orthodox) Jews taking a day trip to the island.  Both of us commented in our own ways - are you sure we aren't on the ferry to Williamsburg?  (I also made a comment that I was reminded of J.H.Marx's (Groucho Marx's) reputed remark (which he denied) when chatting with a woman with 10 children - "I like my cigar too, but I take it out once in a while.") 

Once on the island, we walked to the Billion Oyster Project, (one of the places listed in this year's OHNY open houses) where the guide was describing their organization's function and telling our group about their efforts to restore oysters to NYC's marine habitat.  Although they will not be eaten, due to the pollution in our waters, they will help the region clean up its waters.  Unfortunately, the guide wanted to lead the group to the other side of the island - and we gave up after a 1+ mile(s) of walking.  At that point, we returned to the ferry and returned to Manhattan.

All too soon, our day ended.  I'll have to make preparations to see my cousin now, because he may not be back when I return from my upcoming cruise.

Odd Stuff Going On Here!

 

As I write this, it's 2  weeks before Election Day.  No matter what happens, I expect to see some serious problems resulting from the election.  Did the Orange Cry Baby Win?  Did the Orange Cry Baby Lose?  Right now, it looks like he's doing his best to undermine election results if he loses, and is trying to rally his cult members to do what they feel they have to in order to put their cult leader in charge of this country.

One of my Facebook Friends (a loose acquaintance at best) has drunk the MAGA Kool-Aid.   She loves to post anti-Democrat memes, even when objective evidence is all against her.  No amount of evidence can prove to a cult member that their view of the world is wrong - something from inside must trigger the self transformation.  The older one gets and the stronger a belief is held, the harder it is to see objective reality.

Why do I mention this?

In the case of the Orange Cry Baby, I worry that we'll see a repeat of the theme of January 6, 2021 - force the election to the house, and the GOP will put the Cry Baby in the White House.  I pray that this doesn't happen.

- - - - - -

Now that I've gotten my worries out of the way for now, I'd like to mention that I picked RQS's luggage up from her house, so that she need not schlep it on the subway and then onto Metro North to get here before our second Bermuda cruise together.  We had a nice meal together, and then it was time to leave.  Her neighbor was in the hall, and I was dressed as Marian, so I chose to wait a few minutes before leaving her apartment.

Just before leaving, DCD called - and I returned his call while on the road.  He's finally got my old car on the road, and it is enabling him to go to work.  No, he isn't earning that much.  But the car is doing what I wanted for it to do for him - have a way to get to work and start rebuilding his life.  We talked about a lot of things, and he was a little embarrassed about the mistakes he has made in his life.  I told him NOT to live in the past.  He can't change it, and dwelling there is not a good thing.  Instead, focus on today, and let tomorrow take care of itself.

When I got home, I found that I couldn't make reservations at the restaurant that RQS and I wanted to go to for Thanksgiving.  So I hunted around and found an acceptable place (a steakhouse) that is serving a traditional Thanksgiving dinner.  Hopefully, this place will be as nice as the place we wanted to go to.  And if a place opens up at Hudson House, we'll drop the old reservation and make a new one there.