Life is strange

 

During 2020-2021, I let my apartment go to waste while I did my best to take care of myself.  The above image is typical of me - during one of the few chances I had to get to a meetup, I let myself have a little fun.

Why do I mention this?  Well, being transgender got in the way of my last relationship, and my former cruise partner (FCP) sent my (now) ex girlfriend a note that should have been forwarded to me without opening.  Of course, curiosity got the better of her, and the rest is history.  FCP is no longer a friend, and the ex is just an ex - we only have simple communications, and not that of people who were once intimate partners.

There has been a great upside to this.  If the ex and I had not broken up, I would never have been in the position to meet RQS.  And for that, I am very grateful.  She accepts me for who and what I am, something that my most recent ex couldn't do. Although it takes some effort for us to talk about uncomfortable things, we know we need to do so in order to have a solid relationship.  So far, all the signs are still green for us, and I hope that they stay this way.

- - - - - -

I see one of my flaws getting in the way of things, and that is something we've already talked about.  As much as I dislike my job, I am hesitant to leave it.  I know that there isn't much of a chance that I'll find another job at my age, and that leaving means that I'll have to solely live off of my nest egg.  RQS is already retired, and she seems to be doing well in retirement.  She has taken up new hobbies (read: artistic pursuits) as well as doing the exercises needed to improve her body and her health.  And she'd like for me to do something similar when I retire - if only to have me around as long as possible.

Hopefully, I will retire sooner than later, as I've already committed myself to do so with my Hawaii cruise later this year.  It's too bad that RQS will be unable to go with me....

A conversation with FCP

Earlier this year, I found out that FCP had a grandchild and that her son had graduated med school.  So I sent her congratulations, even though we were still on the outs with each other.  Two weeks after the last message, she sent a message to tell me that she was offended that I sent a card to her son and daughter in law to offer my congratulations.  (She tried calling me, but I wouldn't have picked up if I knew it were her - I don't react well to someone screaming.)  I wasn't going to say this to her, but I knew that her son holds no grudge against me, and probably was glad to receive my card.

After several failed phone calls, FCP sent a text message and we had a series of message exchanges.  I found out that my ex girlfriend was much more unhappy in our relationship than she let on to me (the ex told me that she hinted a lot and expected me to pick up on her obtuse hints), and complained to FCP.  (I'd give a cookie to know who contacted who first, but that's another story.)  Given the way things were phrased in the exchange, I think that FCP wanted to make sure that my relationship with the ex was going to die, so that she could get even with me.

Now, I'm not going to go into details here, but I think I was set up by FCP without even sensing it.  It's just as well that things are over with both people, as there's nothing that would have come from the relationship with the ex, as we never talked about having a future together after 5 years of a relationship.  Being transgender was only one of the things that the ex couldn't deal with, and I'll leave it at that.  All I can say is that I wasted 5 years with the ex when I could have been searching for someone who could accept me fully as I am - in both gender presentations.  This is not a knock on my ex as much as it is a knock on two people who couldn't shit or get off the pot for as long as we did.

Do I know what the objective truth is regarding what happened all these months ago?  No.  But I'm closer to being able to say that the ex was unhappy, was unable to advocate for her needs with me, and was destined to leave a lot later than she should have.  Regarding FCP, I should have never had made public things which I did.  And both of us have grown because we no longer lean on each other for support....

 

 

PS: I had another message from FCP, and she was upset upon reading this.  She didn't like my accusing her of being in the middle of things and causing trouble, so she is blocking communications from me.  Sadly, she can't accept that others can come up with different conclusions based on the information available to them.  And, when neither person trusts each other anymore, it is very easy to assume the worst from the other.

 

I'm sad tonight...

 

This is going to be a quick post tonight.  I had a very good day today and would like to talk about it right now.  But I am sad.  Two people I knew from my days hosting the AOL Widows and Widowers chat room passed away recently.  

I had a wonderful day with RQS, and I was able to being up the issue of being both Mario and Marian with her.  She's not yet completely sure how she feels, but she wasn't in a hurry to give me the bum's rush. When I eventually left her this evening, I drove home very carefully, as they were spreading salt for tomorrow morning's expected snow.  In NYC limits, they spread enough salt in some places that I first thought some other substance (think of loose gravel) had been dumped on the roads.  In Westchester, they had only started to spread salt, and I was stuck behind a salter truck for a few minutes before I was able to get around him and get home while I was safe to drive.

When I finally made it home, I read a text from a long ago girlfriend telling me that two people had died.  One I met on a date (it was only curiosity), and we became friends for a couple of years before she retired and moved to Florida.  Her death was sudden and unexpected.  If I lived in Florida, I'd have driven to her services and the shiva afterwards. But in New York, I don't even have her daughter's address to send my condolences.  The other lady I only met at W/W gatherings, but she was a good person for whom I wished the best.  With her, cancer finally took her life, and she will be missed by many.

So, instead of feeling happy for the good day I had, I feel sad because of the message that ended my evening.

Ennui - It's part of what I've been dealing with for the past 2 years.

En·nui
noun: ennui

a feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from a lack of occupation or excitement.

"he succumbed to ennui and despair"

- - - - - -

I'm not sure of whether I was experiencing ennui before I broke up with my last serious girlfriend. But I certainly felt it after we broke up.  As BB King titled one of his songs, "The Thrill is Gone."  Or, it has been for a while for me.  It was important for me to find something to excite me, and I was lucky not to fall into the rabbit hole of abuse of mind altering substances.  I had to identify and confront my feelings during the past two years.

The act of going to work in Marian mode was a thrill at first. But now, it's simply a matter of personal comfort and preference.  The problem is that I want romance, and for that, I have to live in both modes. It doesn't bother me to go out as Mario.  It's simply that I prefer going out as Marian.  But this is not the cause of my ennui.

When I was young, a lot of things excited me.  Now, I take many things in stride, knowing that any excitement I get is only momentary.  My last cruise invigorated me, but it was a great let down when I had to come home and go to work the next day.  Now that I have a bucket list cruise on my docket, I an looking forward to the change of pace it will deliver.  I will be in a much better mood when I travel, as I will be a little bit out of my comfort zone - and being energized because of that.

Each time I go to work, I end up being depressed for the first part of the day.  The repetitive nature of my work puts me to sleep, and I want to be doing something different if I have to wake up so early.  Yet, by the time afternoon comes, I am more energized, and I can sail through the rest of the day without many problems.  Is the job worth the money I get for doing it?  I'm not sure.  Sooner or later, I will quit this job, and I know I will feel relief.  Yet, it may put me into the funk I felt in 2000 when the Covid shutdown took place.

- - - - - -

2002 leaves me looking forward to change.  I just hope that I feel more energized soon....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I skipped out on one meetup to go to another, and found a friend.

 

First, I have to start out by mentioning that I was thinking of my ex girlfriend today.  My thought process brought me to think that everything about her and her dealings with me reflected an inner ambivalence that only she can resolve for herself.  My issue is that I should pay more attention to "The Dude", and less to people who have no clue about what has gone on in my life over the past couple of years.

- - - - - -

After work, I was supposed to drive out to Norwalk to meet with the Fun Time Friends.  Given that I'm a little bit low on cash, I figured that I'd bail out on this dinner.  Instead, I went home to join in a Zoom meetup geared to help a new firm sell its self improvement courses.

Before the zoom meetup started, I called YGM to say hello.  We hadn't chatted in a long while, and she's happy ensconced in Florida. However, I think she believes the governor's BS that people are flocking to that state because it never fully shut down for the pandemic.  There is an advantage in being young and healthy enough to consider catching the virus an acceptable medical risk.  As for me, I take the risk, but can't wait until I can get vaccinated.

There were about 50 of us in the meetup, and the skills covered in the session were valuable - especially if exercised early and often.  Most importantly, I may have found a new friend from Manhattan.  Like me, she was laid off after a long career - and we exchanged phone numbers.  Hopefully, the two of us ladies can get together soon and get to know each other better.

- - - - - -

I could talk about missing a phone call with TCL.  But the two of us will catch up on things tomorrow.  I could talk about tomorrow's co-op board meeting.  But I can't talk about any of the substance, so this would be boring.  And I could talk about Vicki and her being too busy to chat.  But we can catch up on things tomorrow.  About the only thing I will mention that my friend Vanessa's skin cancer was successfully removed, and that the plastic surgeon will be monitoring her care until the grafts on her foot have healed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I finally got some work to do.

 

This was the third day in a row that I haven't slept well.  So if I didn't have my caffeine in the morning, I'd have fallen asleep while shadowing a more senior worker.  Luckily, I can have as much coffee as I want while on break or during lunch.  This means I can get as wired as I need to be to get through the day.

- - - - - -

It's nice to go into the office and be referred to as a "She".  Yes, there may be some people who shun me, but I haven't noticed that yet.  Instead, I showed a friendly appearance to my coworkers, and they have responded back in kind.  I still haven't decided if this is a place I want to stay at for the better part of a year.  But that's OK for now.   

My goal is to sock away enough money to pay for a Hawaiian cruise-tour on NCL sometime next winter.  Whether I go alone, or travel with a partner is not yet a material consideration for me.  YGM showed an interest in this cruise last year, and others may yet want to be a travel partner for this bucket list trip.  In the old days, my former travel partner would suggest a cruise to go on, and we'd plan things around that date.  Since we are no longer friends, the onus is on me to find a new travel partner for the bucket list trips.

Ideally, bucket list trips should be taken with a close friend or family member, as these are the trips one will want to talk about often.  When my wife died, I lost the one person who understood how I felt about San Francisco, as she was with me when I first visited the city.  Most of the trips I took with other women have been forgettable, as nothing much stood out about the places we traveled.  Yet, I can still remember a couple of the trips I took with my ex girlfriend from Rochester, simply because of the problems we encountered on our trips.  I'm glad that she's building memories with her partner of 22+ years, as they are doing the "until death do us part" routine without benefit of legal acknowledgement.

But I digress....

Today, I finally got some work to do after lunch.  And I was grateful to finally be doing some QA on scanned documents.  No, I can't tell you the names of the organizations we do business with. But I can say that they run the gamut of governmental entities, for profit businesses, and not for profit organizations.  Having meaningful work to do is a good thing, as it keeps my mind busy and awake.  (Now, if only I can stay asleep through the night....)

- - - - - -

Since tomorrow will be bringing a 6"-12" snowfall, I'm going to sign off for now and try to get some sleep.  More later....

I did a nice thing for my ex last night.

 

The other day, I signed up for a Zoom meetup via one of my meetup groups.  The organizer of this meetup only knows me as Marian, and we have attended many a meetup together.  While exploring meetup get togethers using Mario's ID, I found that my ex was attending the same Zoom get together via a different meetup group.  This posed an interesting dilemma for me. Do I back away, letting her crowd me out of a get together that I was invited to (in person) by the hostess? Or, do I contact my ex, and ask her what she thinks we should do.  So, I contacted my ex, and she backed out of this get together, saving both of us from an awkward confrontation that neither of us wants.

Without saying too much in this forum, I will note that my ex and I are on email/messenger speaking terms.  So I didn't want to ruin things by surprising her with me popping in to a Zoom meetup she was expecting NOT to see me. Ideally, we will be able to rebuild some sort of friendship again, and I don't want to screw that up by an unintended confrontation.

- - - - - - 

The games we played were from the Jackbox group.  Years ago, I used to have CD-Roms from which which the "You Don't Know Jack" games could be played.  I'm glad that the owners of this franchise were able to make the leap into online party gaming, as these lighthearted games are perfect for people trying to socialize online via Zoom meetups.  Given what I've been seeing on the TV lately, it looks like many of us will not get vaccinated until summer.  If that is true, then I expect that Zoom meetups will continue to stay popular for a while.

Tonight's gathering had 3 people from the Thursday night gaming group.  A college student made our 4th person, and it was nice to have someone new with us.  However, I don't think he'll be a regular, as he is a young person who shows the stereotypical traits of someone on the autism spectrum.  Does this young man have Asperger's?  I'm not trained to diagnose him. However, given how he described his roommate from a prior semester, I feel that he may fit that mold.

Next week, the meetup is scheduled for Thursday.  If that's the case, I might not be able to stay long, as I have my Zoom meetup with my friends in Texas.  This would have been a perfect time to show the ex that we could have shared meetups without conflict.  But I doubt that this will happen....

 

Sometimes, I miss a former friend.

 

It's been a little over 15 months since my former cruise partner and I severed our friendship.  I will never go into a detailed apology for my actions, as I don't want to give her any ammunition she could use against me.  (She's the type of person who would try to destroy a person out of anger.) Yet, I once sent her an olive branch to suggest that we try to repair things.

The other day, I mentioned something to the ex girlfriend - that I threw out a framed picture I have of the former friend.  I don't want it anymore, and I doubt my ex friend would want it either.  There is a touch of sadness here, as my ex girlfriend doesn't understand why the my ex cruise partner and I couldn't patch up things.  The former cruise partner couldn't stand how I referenced her in my prior blog (she didn't like seeing herself in a sometimes harsh light), and I couldn't stand how she defamed me to at least two (or more) people I know.  There are lines which two friends should never cross, and we crossed them.

You'll note that the face of the person in the center of the picture is obscured by her hair.  I was lucky to have this picture of my former cruise partner in better times. (She wouldn't want her face exposed here.)  Strangely, it was on the same ship on the same itinerary where we had a problems several years later. One thing I know, I will never cruise out of the Brooklyn Cruise Terminal again....

 

Sometimes, one has to ask an awkward question

 

A little over 7 weeks ago, I got what was likely a "butt dialed" call from my former cruise partner. I never expected a response from her when I sent her a birthday card, and I didn't receive one. So, this morning, I sent her a New Year's greeting, and noted that her lack of reply would give me the answer I needed.  But this is only an appetizer....

As loyal readers of this blog (and my prior one) will note, that I had a dispute with my ex girlfriend regarding meetup groups.  Today, I had the opportunity to pose her a question about a group that I'd attend as Mario.  Does she want me to stay away from that one as well?  This is awkward for me, as I'm not trying to dredge up our past.  But I am trying to figure out some things based on what she said in our email exchanges.  I am no longer in the mood to fight her - I'm tired of battles that do not need to be fought.

- - - - - -

Although this could have been a Marian Mode day, I decided to go out as Mario.  It was not because the weather was dreary when I went out.  Instead, I might as well get into Mario Mode a day early, so that I don't forget anything when I see FH.  

Last night, I explored the local Walmart, looking for a coffee maker that uses K-Cups.  Although there were knock-offs that could use the K-Cups, I decided to hold off buying something until I had the chance to talk with Vicki.  She had a "Mini" K-Cup brewer, and didn't like it.  It had no controls for strength of brew, and it only had an 8 oz. reservoir.  Her machine is almost worthless.  Instead of getting her machine as a hand-me-down gift, I decided to buy my own. And for $60, I got a machine with a 36 oz. reservoir capacity.  Once I've finished cooking a brisket in my slow cooker, I'll put the coffee maker in its new designated place. 

I've decided to gradually get my place into some semblance of order.  It will never be the type of place that would look presentable for a sale until I've moved out.  However, that will be the problem to whomever I bequeath my apartment.  

- - - - - -

As I write this, we have only 19 days left in Trump's mismanagement of his office.  I can't wait until he's gone.  Hopefully, we will finally start to heal as a nation.  If not, our children will have one heck of a bumpy ride as the American empire falls....

 

If I only could have gotten to sleep

 

 

If I had been lucky, I'd have been able to fall asleep last night.  Vicki was scheduled to come over here in mid afternoon, and we were supposed to enjoy some take-out food instead of going to one of our usual restaurants.  It's been forever since I had anyone in this place, save for FL coming into my apartment, so that she could make use of the bathroom.  Other than the cleaning lady (who hasn't been here since February), the last person other than me inside this place was my ex girlfriend.

Around 3 am, I turned off the lights and turned off the TV, but couldn't get to sleep.  So I wasn't surprised to find me still awake around 7 am.  Even more surprising, I received a Facebook chat request from her.  (I sent her a skit from the comedienne Sarah Millican and sent it to her, hoping she'd get a laugh out of it.).  Given the time of the day, I don't think she was trying to reach me.  Instead, she accidentally tried to reach me (from what I could tell), and I decided to let her get on with her day without a conversation which could stir up feelings in both of us that would not be of use this early in the morning. At this point, I decided to make breakfast, and consider going back to bed for a couple of hours.  Of course, I went back to bed - and woke up around 11 am.  This meant that I wasn't going to get the place straightened up as much as I'd like to have done before Vicki arrived.  So, as I was taking garbage out to the dumpster, Vicki arrived with lunch.  

Before I go on too far, Vicki and I used to enjoy a local sushi/hibachi place in Croton.  This place has been closed for indoor dining since the pandemic started.  And this was our first opportunity to enjoy their food (especially their seafood soup) for a long time - and it was as good as I remembered.  Eventually, we got around to one of the purposes of her visit - giving me some "hand me downs", now that she has lost a bit of weight.  Sadly, my screwed up sleep got in the way, and I was struggling to stay awake (failing miserably) while we were chatting. So I was glad when Vicki left, allowing me to take a quick nap which lasted longer than expected.  And then, after a couple of hours of being awake, I fall asleep again. 

Why do I mention sleep so much?  My body clock is out of whack these days, and I found this happening during the early days of the pandemic.  Could there be a connection here?  Is this related to the lack of social stimuli due to the pandemic?  Who knows?  But it's something I'll have to deal with until I can find external stimuli to keep me awake during "normal" hours.

The storm took its time in coming

 

Do I talk about the transgender part of my life?  Or, do I talk about things we all share?  That is a hard question to answer.  In normal years, I might discuss my struggles to present an authentic feminine image while dealing with things much easier for me to deal with in male mode.  Today is another day that I was lazy and went outside in male mode because it was the easiest thing to do.

Last night when I parked my car, I realized that I forgot to do two things.  First, I parked the car in a way that would require me to back out of my parking spot.  This would not be a good thing to do when trying to navigate out of my spot after the last of the snow has fallen.  Second, I didn't leave my windshield wipers in an "up" position, so that they would not get frozen in place if wet, freezing snow were to fall.  So I had an excuse to get out of bed, get a breakfast sandwich, and do some last minute shopping at the supermarket down the hill from me.

Once back at home, I ended up watching TV and doing a bit of reading.  Nothing special.  But I ended up thinking how different this year is, and how alone I feel.  Yes, I am chatting with prospective women for dating.  Yes, I see FH on a weekly basis.  But, I do not really feel that comfortable with anyone yet, and the pandemic does get in the way of meeting people. Even though I'm exchanging emails with my most recent ex, I know things are far from the way they were a year and a half ago.  If I could turn back the clock and fix things before they got broken, I'd gladly do so.  But, I have not developed a time machine to allow me to go backwards and correct things.  So I must move forward in my life.

Tomorrow, I expect to be shoveling 12"-18" of snow from my car.  Hopefully, it will not be a "wet" snow. Once I've done this, I will go for a ride to see what the roads look like.  If possible, I will get a chance to take some pictures that are worth enlarging, printing, and framing.  If not, I'll go back and read a book or two before one of my regularly scheduled Zoom meetups.

The high point of my day was dinner

 

I won't go into too much about today.  My ex and I had an interesting exchange of emails.  And thought it brought up feelings in me (and probably in her), it was a productive exchange that will likely continue over time.  What's more important is that I had dinner with Vicki tonight.  Although I can call on her for help, I always have to remember that she is a married women, and has only limited time for me.  

Vicki has a positive accomplishment of note - she has been able to lose enough weight to switch herself into the category of "overweight" from "obese".  I must relearn how, how much, and what to eat, so that I can also lose my excess weight.  It will be hard for me, given that I eat out all too often.  But with the pandemic and winter coming, I'll bet that we will soon have the same shutdowns that plagued us this spring.  However, I think that this time, most businesses will be allowed to stay open, as we can't afford the social safety net needed to keep people home and keep people and businesses solvent. So, without the excuses to eat out, I may just be successful in my attempt to lose weight.

 

 

 

 

Exchanging emails, a helpful lunch, zooming with Texas, and another lost friend.

 

Well, I had an exchange of emails with the ex, and I found out that either the leader doesn't want me at the meetup, or that the ex doesn't really want me there.  I have learned to distrust anomalous situations.  However, something good came of this exchange - we said a lot more in the exchange than we said when we were together.  No, I won't go into details here, but let's say that our problems were set in motion by a clash in communication styles, a few mistakes from me, and fear on her part.  I can easily say that if we understood each other's methods of communication, we'd have been able to be friends. But I have many doubts that this is possible, as I feel that she is still holding in way too much anger towards me to risk having that friendship.  So this put my mood for the day into a "down" mode, and I was glad I had lunch with a friend coming up.

There are only a handful of times that I have ever felt so down when someone leaves my life. And it always has been a woman who triggers this depressed feeling.  The ex triggered it last year, and it still plagues me.  Today was a day I needed to talk with someone, and FL was my scheduled lunch date.  She made me feel a lot better, telling me two things of note.  First, she noted that many women are socialized to be excessively nice, and do not stand up for themselves in ways that men will understand.  As a result, when women finally get to the point where they can't stand something, men have totally misread their mates and the women are ready to exit. (It doesn't help that many men don't know how to restrain themselves physically. But that's another issue - and I'll side with women here.)  This was likely the case with the ex and me.  Second, she gave me a clue of how I should bring up my bi-gender nature with a new woman, noting how what I said to her caused her to have issues. (I won't go into this here and now.  Maybe I will at some future date.)  I'm grateful that she wants to be a good friend.

Later on, I had my Zoom meeting with the folks from Texas.  There were only the three of us ladies on the line, and we had a good chat.  I couldn't help but to note my depressed state, and I was glad that these two women were there for me.  

- - - - -

You may wonder why I didn't call Vicki today, when I really needed to be with and talk with friends.  First, she's the type of close friend who I can call on for almost anything.  But I can't call on her often.  She'd be upset at me if I were to mention the ex, as Vicki feels that the ex is playing a game with me.  And she could be right.  I wonder what will happen in the other meetup groups next year when Covid-19 is "extinguished."  I'll deal with that problem when it comes.

Sometime soon, I expect another email from the ex which will trigger more feelings in me.  However, I hope I made her think about some things - not to cause her grief.  Instead, to trigger some introspection, in order to see that we both screwed up big time in the last year we were together.  As much as Vicki would tell me to run away, I wouldn't mind finding a way to have a friendship with the ex.  (I'd hate to feel that extreme sense of loss again, especially twice triggered by the same woman.)

- - - - - -

On other matters, I have been trying to find a close friend who has totally gone off the grid. WDS was my best man at my wedding, and I was there for him when his wife died. Even after a few years of not seeing each other, when he found out that I got a new job, he gifted me a top of the line iPad. We emailed each other every few months, and last communicated in May. Well, I tried to reach him by email several times, and no response.  Given that we are living in the age of the pandemic, I have grown very concerned for him. So I read through our past emails, and found the name of someone who helped him Agility train his dog. And I sent an email to this person (after doing a Google search for her), asking if she knows how to contact him.  Hopefully, I'll be able to locate him, alive and kicking.  Given that he lives in Florida (a high Covid-19 infection rate state) and that he has a minimal traceable presence, it would be nice if this person can give me a phone number, or tell me what happened to him.  I'd hate to find out that I lost another friend, and that he left no instructions to contact people like me.

 

PS:  He finally responded to my email.  In the past, he'd respond quickly.  After my follow up, I asked for his phone number.  No reply yet on that request.

 

 

An amazing lack of good information

 

The other day, I found out that Mario was dropped from one meetup group without explanation.  As much as my ex girlfriend claims she didn't have a hand in it, I have my doubts - there has been way too many weird coincidences in the timing of things, as if she's trying to gaslight me.  So be it.  I'd like to bury the hatchet, be able to attend this group as Mario, and still be civil and friendly towards this woman. (She said she'd not mind if I did so.)  But she won't help me with membership in the group.  So, sadly, too much bad blood may have been spilled, and she may hold a grudge that won't go away. Or, just maybe, she's very uncomfortable seeing me in any form, because she has regrets herself? (I won't go into more here, save that I was only looking to attend the group only to develop friendships.  But I'd have also liked the chance to show her that we could be in the same place and that nothing bad would happen.)

So, on Friday night, I wasn't able to sleep much   And I wished I could cancel my Saturday date with FH, as we'd be driving up to Woodstock for the day, then driving back to Queens to bring her home, and finally back to Croton to sleep.  Yet, this trip was worth it, as she had a good time, and that she realized that it's an extra 100 miles for me to drive, just to bring her home.  We discussed our Thanksgiving plans, and it finally looks like I'll pick up dinner at Boston Market, then bringing it to her place for our feast.

After a long drive on Saturday, I was amazed that I had the energy to see JM on Sunday. For this date, I met her in front of her apartment, and then drove to Greenwich Village to enjoy some sidewalk dining before it got too cold to eat outside.  As usual, JM and I had a good time, and we will likely meet again.  One potential problem is here - will she run away when she finds out I live part of my life as Marian?  I know one thing - she seems to like what she sees so far.                        

 

 

 

 

 

I'm feeling a little bit down.

 

Although I had no present intentions to attend the dining group that I was blackballed from by my ex, it still stings a little when several months later, Mario was finally removed.  This leads me to wonder - did the ex find a new boyfriend?  It would be nice to think it so.  But that's not my horse, and certainly not my rodeo any longer.

For the better part of the year, this pandemic has gotten in the way of me healing from the slings and arrows of the recent past, and moving forward in my life.  As much as I like the women who have been passing through my life lately, I feel that I could have done better had I not been a failed relationship for 5 years.  No, I'm not complaining about these women or the failed relationship.  Instead, I was younger, a bit more attractive, and less calloused in regard to romance way back then.  For all I know, I'd have hooked up with someone who enjoyed the "whole" of me, and not be alone during the worst of the pandemic.

With all of this being said, I had some good things happen in regard to my feminine presentation. The other day, I went to an outdoor service where the ashes of a friend's husband were buried.  This woman's children liked me, and my friend said I was looking better than before.  (At the time, I was wearing a forest green maxi dress with a mock turtleneck.  I did look good in the dress, and I haven't worn it since last winter.)  This friend noted that I now appear completely natural when presenting as female, save that I am large.  (How true this is to others is something else.)  

At least, I still have family and friends.  No, not as many as I'd like.  But I cherish my family and the true friends I have.  And for that, I am grateful. 

It's been an interesting weekend - and it began on a Thursday!

At the beginning of this weekend, I wasn't sure of how things would go.  There's a part of me that is very uncomfortable with the risk of letting FH go, so I can pursue a relationship with FL.  I still have to figure out where I stand with MH.  And, I have to keep my head clear for the last days of employment at the census.  So, I have a lot on my mind these days.

- - - - - -

On Thursday, I had a day off, and I took the opportunity to go for a walk with another woman who answered my personal ad in female presentation.  We had a nice afternoon together, and I found out that it is a very small world after all - she had done business with my ex-girlfriend before selling her old house, she exercised in the same building where my ex has her office, and she previously lived down the road from my ex.  When I asked her what she thought of my ex, she put her finger to her head and started twirling it.  This made my day, and I had yet to attend my Zoom meeting in the evening.  By the time we turned back to the parking lot, we were almost in Stone Ridge - and I was glad NOT to be too close to my ex's office.

I rushed home so that I could talk to several people, and yet have time to attend the Zoom meetup.  By the time I got in to the meeting, the host and hostess was about to leave, and control was being passed to my pen pal in Texas.  It was then I found out that the ex husband of one of the ladies had been sentenced to 3 life terms - he'll likely be "Bubba's Special Friend" before long.  Another of the ladies is in dire financial straits, and will need a quick influx of money to keep her in her home.  It's gotten me to the point where I may anonymously send her a few dollars to help her out.

- - - - - -

Friday came, and I was sleep deprived.  It was all I could do to stay awake at work. I was hoping to be able to hide myself away.  But I got stuck answering phone calls.  Most were from enumerators involving their work.  And I brushed off a news reporter, as we are not allowed to have the reporter come to our office, and we are not allowed to give interviews.  He was unhappy with how I treated him, but that's his problem and not mine. I was just doing my job.  Later on in the day, I made arrangements to see Vicki at a Sushi restaurant in Yorktown, and we had a nice night of it.  She liked how a dress looked on me, and I was glad that she suggested that I buy it.

- - - - - -

Saturday was another sleep deprived day at the office, and I had nothing to do.  So I surfed the web for the better part of my shift.  I scheduled a 6:30 dinner with FL, and we were at a restaurant in Briarcliff Manor until 10:30 or so.  Hopefully, things will keep going well for us, as she seems to be a keeper.  (And, NO!, I don't expect her to bob for cans of Foster's Lager from an ice bucket....)

- - - - - -

Sunday, I finally had enough sleep. When I arrived, I showed her my "Pregnant Phone", to explain the problem I had in talking with her the other night.  (Hopefully, I'll get the battery replacement from California by Thursday/Friday, so that I can have a fixed phone over the following weekend.) Then, FH and I went to Manhattan to walk around Greenwich Village.  .

It's been a while since I've driven on the LIE to the BQE, and then across the Williamsburg bridge.  So I was taken by how many things have changed since I was last on these streets.  Eventually, we found parking in the West Village, and we walked over to Washington Square.  Next, it was off to find a restaurant - and we ate at a small Indian joint which was doing its best to stay open with pandemic restrictions.  (I don't think t will survive the winter.  Hopefully, I'll be wrong about this.) At lunch, FH floated the idea of taking a trip to Amish country.  Although I said yes to the idea, I'm really not sure if I want to do so, as I don't know how far I should go with this relationship now.  Once done with lunch, it was back to Washington Square to enjoy people watching, and then to drive home.

- - - - - -

In the end, I will have to thank my ex girlfriend for setting me free.  Several of the women I've met after our breakup have only seen me in Marian mode and are very comfortable being with me this way. FL is comfortable with the idea of going to meetups this way and would consider a Hawaii cruise with me presenting as Marian.  Would FH be comfortable with me in Marian Mode?  who knows? 

Since I mentioned my ex several times lately, I have to mention that she is still avoiding meetups where I'm present as Marian.  She has a habit of posting a message, saying that she was sorry she couldn't make it, but had other plans.  I can only imagine what would happen if she slips up and sees me (as Marian) with one of the ladies I've been seeing.  Luckily, I'm in no hurry to see this happen in real life, as the last person I want to see is my ex.  That's one of the few things we can agree on these days.

This could have been interesting

I figured that my readers might enjoy the above picture.  In the end, I think this is all I was to my ex.  She'd vehemently disagree. But when it took 5 years to shit or get off the pot, she finally did the latter - something that hurt at the time, but is proving to be a benefit over time.

- - - - - -



This weekend, I was on the wait list for a meetup being held at a venue halfway between my house and my ex's house.  The morning of the meetup, I got a message, asking if I wanted to be taken off the wait list and to go to the meetup - and I said yes.  Could you imagine what would have happened if there were two openings and my ex had also said yes?  She would have hated seeing me as Marian - but that would have been her problem, not mine.


At the meetup, I'll focus on two people I met - the organizer of the music meetup and the organized of the dining meetup who blocked me from her meetup.  With the former, she noticed that my ex bails when I will be in the same place.  With the latter, I was polite and cordial.  She sided with her friend - why should I be bothered by that?  But there is still a minor sting from being excluded.  I can only imagine how my ex feels, as she no longer feels comfortable in a place when I'm around as Marian.

Sooner or later, our paths will cross.  I don't know where or when.  But in many ways, neither of us will be totally free until we meet - with me as Marian, and not as Mario.  She does her damnedest to avoid seeing me as Marian, and denies herself pleasure by doing so.  I am grateful that FL (see earlier posts) is more than willing to get together with me in feminine presentation to join me when going to meetups.

- - - - - -

Once the census ends, I'll take advantage of my position as an co-organizer of a meetup group to set up a trip to Innisfree Gardens.  Hopefully, it'll still be open for visitors in early October and that it will be worth visiting then.  It'll be nice to see FL put her money where her mouth is, and see if she can be comfortable with me both as Mario and as Marian.

There is an advantage in dating someone who asks questions to find out about you.  There is an even bigger advantage to date someone whose divorce is long over, and is not in a position to treat you as a transitional relationship.  I feel that the underlying failure of my prior relationship is that I was more of a place holder for my ex, someone to keep her company until her divorce became final.  Once it was final, my transgender nature became a liability to her, and my presence in her life was no longer of value to her. Such is life.

My big question is why does FL seem to be chomping at the bit to have an "instant relationship"?  FH seems to be taking forever, but that's because we had to start things out slowly.  In a normal situation, I might have already bedded one of these women.  But it's just as well this has not happened.  I am not in a hurry to have someone sharing my bed yet.

Miscellaneous items of note for August 2020

When I started blogging, I used to have a girlfriend.  Since I broke up with the most recent ex, it has been the longest period I spent without a "significant other" since my late wife passed away.  With the loss of two people I counted on in my life, I found that I was lucky to be able to date as a male - as bad as my cravings were to find someone new, it is much harder for the average female.  

Now that the pandemic has eased off for a while in the NYC Suburbs, I've been able to date several women, with three of them being on my short list.  Of those three, I have a strong feeling which one I'll end up with - and I'm hoping that this time, I don't make the same mistakes I made in my last relationship.

- - - - - -

As I've mentioned here, I've been working at the census since January.  Soon, this job will end, and I'll be looking for another job to tide me over to final retirement.  I'm not sure if I'll be able to find it working as Marian or as Mario.  But I'd like to be able to keep working as Marian, even though I'll have to spend more time and money maintaining my feminine appearance.  

Recently, I stumbled into someone who believes me to be female, and suggested that I apply for work at the firm her husband runs.  If I were to get hired, he'd have to know that I am transgender, and would also have to keep this a secret from the other staff.  (I don't mind people knowing about me.  I just want to control how the message is delivered.)  Yet, it would be very interesting to find work in private industry as a non-op transgender woman.

- - - - - -

If all goes right, my niece will soon have her visa and will be able to fly to Great Britain to start her life with her fiancee.  Both she and my brother will need to spend 14 days in quarantine before the wedding.  And I expect that this will be one of the happiest days of her life.  Too bad that this part of her life will start in a way furthest from her dreams.

- - - - - -

The other day, I received a message from one woman on a dating site.  (She responded to my ad, with me in feminine presentation.)  She said I was a hell of a person based on my profile, and wanted to meet me as a friend.  (She had just started dating someone new.)  I figure that I will meet her and develop a friendship.  If I stay in the friendship zone (as I expect), I'd ask her to just introduce me as Marian to her beau, and not mention my biological gender.

 

 

I'm Back online again!

The above picture was taken on the Old Croton Aqueduct path.  Considering how many people have been out and about, now that the nice days are here, I usually have to travel far to find nice places to walk and get back into shape.

I've decided to reopen this blog, so that I can continue to journal my life as quarantine is gradually being lifted.  At first, I won't be publishing daily posts, as I don't have that much to say.  In addition, I won't have much to say about either of my two formerly closest friends, now that bridges have been burnt.

- - - - - -

To catch the casual reader of this blog up to date, quarantine has been hell for me, as I've been dealing with grief caused by the loss (not death) of my two closest friends, the death of my father, and the virtual shutdown of my social life due to the quarantine. I won't go into details, save that anger made me a person I didn't like being, and I had to decide to let go of many things so that I could move forward with my life.

Since I don't know if my ex will read this blog or not, let's simply say that before the quarantine, I had a couple of nice dates with a nice woman, but things didn't work out.  Lately, I've had some pleasant calls with other women, and it would be nice to see them after quarantine ends. 

Work at the census bureau has started to return, and I'm still adding money to my bank account.  If all goes right, I'll have saved up enough, that by the end of the year, I can take a Hawaiian cruise.  However, this poses several interesting issues.  I want to take the 3 day land + 7 day sea cruise tour deal, but an ex girlfriend from 23 years ago will be on that cruise with 3 of her girlfriends.  Should I take it and out myself to her first?  Or, should I simply go on the cruise and say nothing?  (I'm assuming that she will not recognize me as Marian.)  I'm gambling both that the net price for this cruise will drop due to cancellations, etc., and that things will open up for cruising in the fall.

- - - - - -

So much I could say, but not the time to collect my thoughts.  More later....



.