Going to the first meetup in the new year

 

This past Tuesday, I went to my first meetup of the new year.  I've been to this restaurant during Hudson Valley Restaurant Week, but never at another time.  This place, Char Steakhouse, has a prix-fixe menu on Tuesday nights that is quite good.  So I figured that I'd try it out.

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One of the problems with Char is that it is hard to see where their driveway begins and ends in the dark.  As a result, I had to go very slow turning into the place, lest I drive my car into a ditch.  Once there, it's not always easy to find a parking spot.  But what makes things easy for those in the know is that there is a rear entrance to the building that usually serves as the main entrance to the restaurant.

I saw my group, and sat down next to the leader of the group.  Soon, someone else came in with a friend, and we all started gabbing.  The lady to my side hit it off quite well, and we exchanged numbers, so that we could meet for lunch one day.  Hopefully we can do that - but I'll be sure to stay in Marian mode, as not to let gender get in the way of developing a good friendship.  

 

Finally, the waiter came to take our orders, and I chose the Zuppa de Pesce.  Yum!  I'd come to this restaurant just for that, even though steak is their specialty.  Later on, one of the people at our table had to leave early and took care of her bill.  One problem - our waiter didn't see this, and thought that she skipped out without paying.  So the meetup leader texted this person, and we hoped she'd come back to the restaurant to settle things. A few minutes later, I left the place and took care of an errand before returning home for the evening.

Why do I still go to an occasional meetup?

The answer is relatively simple - I still want to make new friends, and make them as Marian.   Some people wonder why I feel more comfortable as Marian, and outside the issue of gender dysphoria, I feel that I enjoy the company of women more than men, and that I prefer not to have the issue of sexual behaviors get in the way of having the friendships I want most.

Do I need a support group? Can I help others in one?

 

I am a bit of an oxymoron.  The more female I become, the healthier my male personality becomes.  When I started going out in the world as Marian, I made a lot of beginner mistakes common to transgender people learning the ways of their identified gender. Over the years, I've learned how to dress the way cisgender women do, I've learned some of the communications skills that cisgender women use, and I've learned how to blend in as an oversized woman.

The question comes to mind now and then:

Could I have avoided making many of the mistakes I made, had I been part of a support group?

There is no way to answer this question, as I chose to learn by making a lot of mistakes.  A failed romance got in the way, as the fallout of that relationship made it impractical to develop simple friendships in the northern part of the region in which I live.  But I have learned, and wonder whether I have knowledge worth passing on to others.

A while back, I saw an acquaintance who once authored a blog documenting her TG journey.  When I had last met her before, she (when presenting as a male) had a subtle feminine softness to her masculine presentation.  In my most recent visit, she was presenting in an androgynous way - but not in a way that she'd easily blend with a group of typical cisgender males.  This is something I want to avoid at all costs in my masculine and feminine presentations. Since it is not my place to comment on my acquaintance's presentation, I did not do so.  And in doing so here, it is only to give her a lot of credit for not worrying about how others think of the way she dresses.  More people should have the courage to do what she is doing.  

So this makes me think of another question:

Can I help other "closeted" and "out" transgender people with my experiences?

If in the context of being a regular member of a support group, I don't think so.  But if it is in the context of an occasional contact with members of a support, or with the general public, I think I can do so.  I certainly have enough experiences that I can relate that will help others, as well as help many in the general public see us as "normal" people with one non-traditional trait.  

Hopefully, I will find more ways to give back to our community....

Dinner with a friend

 

Last night, I had dinner with a friend from the meetup group whose meetings I irregularly attend.  She's a nice woman, about 30 years old, and not sure of what direction to take in life.  Sadly, she has a similar lack of charisma to me, and I think it is her mode of speech that makes me think she's lonely.

So what can make a good person repel people without bad habits or bad intent? This has been a question that I've asked of myself over the years, and I don't have a good answer.  But I know that I feel much more confident when presenting as Marian.  This might be because I have less social history as Marian, and less history of being rejected by people.  Our experiences add up over the years and influence how we express ourselves.  We learn to be timid or assertive from the body languages and spoken languages of our parents, coupled with the experiences we endure as we grow up. It's hard to undo these "lessons", as they force us to repeat these unproductive expressions of body language and of spoken language.

Luckily, being trans and expressing ourselves in our identified gender starts to liberate us.  We learn how to communicate in new ways and learning a new gender body language makes it easier for us to feel more confident and relaxed.  No, transition does not solve our problems.  But it gives us a tool to help us on our way to dealing with those problems effectively.  If it weren't for the fact that I want romance in my life more than transition, I'd be rushing down my path of transition because of the freedom I'm experiencing as Marian....