Was she dead or alive? Inquiring minds wanted to know.

 

I hadn't seen Pat in months, and I haven't been able to reach her by voice or text.  Given that she's 84 years old, I figured that I should take a drive to her care home to see what was going on....

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Today's weather report predicted a strong chance of rain for the evening - but I decided to brave the weather anyway.  So, around 6:30 pm, I decided to get dressed and drive across the river to Pat's care home.  As I crossed the river, the clouds looked ominous, and I knew that heavy rains were going to come.

I arrived at Pat's place around 7:15, and the receptionist said "long time, no see". Then she told me how to use the new system to record visitors to the building.  My face was scanned, and then I proceeded upstairs to see Pat.  Strangely enough, we got into a serious conversation where we didn't disagree much. Then we talked about me being transgender and how she didn't understand why a man would want to be a woman.  I noted that I didn't have severe gender dysphoria, but that I would rather have been born female - with all the problems that women have to deal with throughout their lives.   The conversation then shifted to sex, but not in a graphic way.  Specifically, I wondered why human males evolved to have 25%-33% more average body mass than human females, and how this is reflected in the first position we think of when a man and woman have sex.  I contrasted this with Bonobo ape sexual behavior, wondering if there is any beneficial evolutionary advantage in how humans have sex.

Of course, I can't do our conversation justice.  It was one of those "you had to be there" moments that will be forever lost in time.  But I did look at Pat's phone to see why she says she is having trouble with the phone.  And I found that she didn't have the phone's ringer set loud enough to be heard.  Once I set the ringer to a loud enough volume, I tested it and it worked properly.  Now, Pat should be able to hear the phone ring - until she screws up the volume again....

Trans people are more varied than one might think.

 

When many people think of trans people, they think of predecessors such as Renee Richards and Christine Jorgensen.  Although these two trans women had severe gender dysphoria, we all share one characteristic: we all wish we were born into the other gender.  But that's the one thing that bonds us together, as many of us deal with this condition differently.

Many trans women take a path that involves exploring their sexuality, their gender presentation, and finally, body modification to make their bodies look as much like the image of themselves they want to be.  But this is still a simplification.  For many, gender preference is locked in at an early age, and only gets loosened up a bit when a trans person is exposed to the hormones of their identified gender.  One trans woman I know enjoys the idea of "adult play" with both sexes.  And yet, she has not been able to explore much after Gender Corrective Surgery (GCS or "the operation").  About the only thing she misses about life as a male is the ability to "go" standing up. 

Being "Out" as a trans person often prevents a person from finding romance.  For every trans person who finds romance, there may be up to 100 who are forced to give up on romance.  One of the reasons an ex-girlfriend broke up with me was that I am transgender.  It seems like most relationships break up because a transgender person comes "out".  This may be related to a subconscious fear that a partner's sexuality will contaminate the sexual identity of the other.  (Am I a lesbian if my male partner comes out as trans?)  Yet, there are many trans folk who go back and forth between male and female worlds with their partners' acceptance - including myself.

Not all trans folk need GCS.  For example the porn star,. Buck Angel, hasn't felt a need to modify his body to have genitalia resembling that of a cisgender male.  As such, he has a unique category in the world of porn.  Some of my trans acquaintances have had GCS, and others have not.  Most are happy with their decisions regarding the surgery, as those with mild gender dysphoria are happy not having to go through a painful surgery and not having to dilate themselves several times each day.

You'll notice that I haven't yet mentioned social class, political affiliation, education level and sports.  Most trans folk remain interested in the same pastimes they enjoyed before coming out. identify as belonging to the same social class (not necessarily economic class), retain the same political affiliation (yes, it's strange to see GOP trans people staying loyal to the party when it is anti-trans), come from all levels of education and enjoy both "male" and "female" social interests.

Being trans may seem strange to many, but it is just as strange to us at times....

Going to the first meetup in the new year

 

This past Tuesday, I went to my first meetup of the new year.  I've been to this restaurant during Hudson Valley Restaurant Week, but never at another time.  This place, Char Steakhouse, has a prix-fixe menu on Tuesday nights that is quite good.  So I figured that I'd try it out.

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One of the problems with Char is that it is hard to see where their driveway begins and ends in the dark.  As a result, I had to go very slow turning into the place, lest I drive my car into a ditch.  Once there, it's not always easy to find a parking spot.  But what makes things easy for those in the know is that there is a rear entrance to the building that usually serves as the main entrance to the restaurant.

I saw my group, and sat down next to the leader of the group.  Soon, someone else came in with a friend, and we all started gabbing.  The lady to my side hit it off quite well, and we exchanged numbers, so that we could meet for lunch one day.  Hopefully we can do that - but I'll be sure to stay in Marian mode, as not to let gender get in the way of developing a good friendship.  

 

Finally, the waiter came to take our orders, and I chose the Zuppa de Pesce.  Yum!  I'd come to this restaurant just for that, even though steak is their specialty.  Later on, one of the people at our table had to leave early and took care of her bill.  One problem - our waiter didn't see this, and thought that she skipped out without paying.  So the meetup leader texted this person, and we hoped she'd come back to the restaurant to settle things. A few minutes later, I left the place and took care of an errand before returning home for the evening.

Why do I still go to an occasional meetup?

The answer is relatively simple - I still want to make new friends, and make them as Marian.   Some people wonder why I feel more comfortable as Marian, and outside the issue of gender dysphoria, I feel that I enjoy the company of women more than men, and that I prefer not to have the issue of sexual behaviors get in the way of having the friendships I want most.

Often, being Transgender is very mundane.

 

There are many trans people who get lost in the pink fog, and rush into things needlessly.  Yes, they have new found freedom in being able to express their authentic selves.  But they often forget that the real world usually doesn't care whether a person is trans or not.  As a result, many things slip while a trans person explores her/his new place in the world.  Eventually, the trans person and reality have to get back in sync with each other, and the mundane things in life take over.  This is not a bad thing.  A successful transition will enable one to experience the mundane as one's authentic self.

As my loyal readers will note, many of the entries I've posted in this blog are not those where going out in the world is a novel experience, as they were in my previous blog.  Instead, my current entries are those which deal with the issues I face in life - either as a male or female.  Many of them have unusual twists, such as my travels while presenting as a female and carrying male ID.  Yet, I try to say things that might be of interest to the trans person just coming out.  It takes a lot of courage for many trans people to out themselves.  And for many, they are unable to be completely out because of their real life commitments.  For example, one trans woman I know is a doctor whose wife accepts her presenting as a female, as long as she doesn't go 24x7. (There are issues with both her career and her family that get in the way of being out to the world.)  Another trans woman I know outed herself, and lost contact with many in her family. Trans people often lose family, friends and careers in order to be their authentic selves, so I encourage trans people considering outing themselves to think things through and be careful when they do so.

At my stage of being trans, I exist in a happy medium.  Since I am not very gender dysphoric, I can live in either gender as needed.  But I must revert to being Marian for my sanity.  I am comfortable staying at this point in the transition process for romance, unlike many trans folk. And in this way, I am lucky, as I have someone who accepts me for who and what I am now.  Others are not so lucky.  Recently, I found out that one trans woman I know reverted to her male identity for romance,  and has recently returned to a female identity.  (Did romance influence either or both changes?)   

One thing I wish I could change more effectively is my voice - it is still picked up as being male on the phone.  And this is something that many M2F trans people have to deal with.  A trans acquaintance of mine had surgery to raise the pitch of her voice. But she is still perceived as a male over the phone, as her speech patterns still have a masculine imprint.  It takes a lot of work to develop female vocal mannerisms, but it doesn't get in the way for most of us in our lives.

So now, we end up dealing with the mundane.  I still have to pay my bills throughout the month.  I still have doctors' appointments for our ailments (as I will have a week from today for a GI Tract issue).  And I still need to take care of the everyday tasks of life, such as laundry.  Most of the time, a trans person's life will be mundane, as other than our gender dysphoria, we are living everyday lives.  Even when something "exciting" happens (such as having a wallet stolen in Chicago), I do what I would be doing as if I were simply a cisgender person, and am treated the same as if I were just a cisgender person.  The only difference is that I have to be on the watch out for people who hate trans people because we don't fit into their view of the world.  And that's a small price I pay for being my authentic self.....     

I was thinking of a topic for discussion

 

The weekend after Columbus day is when Fantasia Fair is usually scheduled.  I've only had the privilege to attend this gathering once, and I hope to be able to do so again one day.  The first time I attended, I was a newbie, and had much to learn.  Next time, I hope to be able to pass on some of my "wisdom" so that newcomers can have an easier time in their paths towards "transition".

You'll note that the word "transition" in the prior paragraph has been put in quotes.  Movement towards being your authentic self does not require a full medical or social transition.  Each person's path has its own stops along the way, and each person has his/her own unique goal which he/she wants to achieve.  In some cases, it is a full transition, where the body is shaped to better fit the person's image of what he/she wants to be.  In other cases, it is a partial transition, where many of the characteristics of the opposite sex are incorporated into that person's body, so that he/she feels complete.  And in still others, it is a temporary transition, where one can simply take on the role of the other sex for a while, and retreat to where he/she originally started.  This is a gross simplification, as it focuses only on body presentation and not all the other subtleties implied by the gender spectrum.

In my case, I would prefer to have a female body - with all that this entails.  Unlike most transgender people, my male body does not bother me.  It simply doesn't suit my purposes, save in one way which I won't go into right now.  I can live with what I have.  With other people, they will sacrifice everything to have the body that he/she wants in the gender that he/she needs to exist in.  Severe gender dysphoria is often treated with GCS (Gender Confirmation Surgery), but it is often not available to many transgender people for a myriad of reasons, financial cost being one of them, but not the only one.  For many, the social and professional costs are prices too high for them to pay. 

The topic I'd like to discuss involves my experiences living in the world as Marian, and the costs I've had to pay to do so.  I'd also like to discuss the costs others have had to pay, and tell the audience that going in this direction is not for weaklings.  A person will be attacked from many directions by many people - most of them unexpected.  But the rewards are great - life as one's authentic self is very fulfilling, and worth all the costs involved in doing so.  Would something like this be a good topic for a Fantasia Fair presentation?  Maybe.  But first, I'd like to speak with someone I know who has done just that....