A while back, an acquaintance of mine wondered why s/he was being avoided at gatherings. I tried to be tactful and shift the focus to other problems. But the problem was mostly with this person. S/he was loud, yet had little to say that interested people. This person focused on one of his/her traits as an explanation for half of the group avoiding this person. But I didn't have the heart to explain things, or the energy to illustrate the nature of the problem.
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Several years ago, I attended one session of a women's group being formed. Another woman (let's call her J for now) asked me for help with her group, then backed away very quickly when she found out I was transgender. Over time, I have become open about my transgender nature, but was afraid to do so when I first started going out and about in the world. So some people accepted me for the person I was, and others shunned me - like the person mentioned above.
When I had my dispute with my ex, the ex made sure that J had all the details (supporting the ex's point of view) to make her keep me out of the group. Yet, she didn't expel me from the meetup list - she just wouldn't admit me to meetings. J came into one of my groups, then said a few things to the ex as if I were making a big deal about being excluded. (That is a great distortion. But with a clique, distortions go far in keeping someone out.) Eventually, the ex claimed that it was me who caused the former leader of the group (let's call her S for now) to quit leadership of the group. Let's chalk the ex's statement up to being angry at me for wanting to join one of "her" meetups as if the ex owned them. Yet, I'll give J some credit for her part in this affair - she was eventually willing to tell me how she felt, instead of being mute.
Later on in our dispute, the ex was making a big deal about me entering the secondary groups which were formed by members of the first group and made sure that the new leader of the group (let's call her L for now) kicked Marian out, but not Mario. That was OK, as I wasn't immediately planning on going to the ex's favorite group until any romantic feelings I once had for the ex were gone. For some unknown reason, Mario was later kicked out of the group without causing any trouble in the group or even visiting the group. That was the catalyst that cause me to contact the ex, as she once said that I could go to the group as Mario. Yet, in a way, I may have been lucky NOT to be able to go - for reasons I was thinking about the other day.
After I contacted the ex, I asked her if she asked L to exclude me. The ex claimed she didn't, but the sudden unexplained exclusion didn't make sense to me (or others in my circle). The ex made a big deal about showing me proof that she didn't ask L to kick me out. I wonder if L was only trying to protect the ex from her feelings if I were to go there once as Mario. Why didn't L have the courtesy to respond to my question of her? I have more respect for J who would state what her feelings were, than for L who didn't.
Recently, I had a conversation with Vicki, and we discussed intimacy in friendships vs. intimacy in romance. The two are different things. Both of us recognized the need for an occasional argument in the romance, as that forces things to the surface which might be suppressed for too long. My friend DCD argues way too much with his girlfriend - almost every night. I never argued with the ex until after we broke up. DCD and his girlfriend had the flip side of my problem with the ex - poor communication without judgement, negotiation, or compromise.
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But back to the first person I mentioned....
During the worst of the pandemic, I received one contact from this person - and s/he had nothing to say. When I wanted to mention the background of my problem with the ex, s/he had already taken the side of the ex before the call. Was I ever really his/her friend? Next time, if asked, I will answer this question ("Is it me?") directly but tactfully, and maybe help the person who asks it.
That leads me to the nature of the meetup group that was the focus of all the problems. It was for Over 50's who are single. Might the group be a self selecting group of people who have intimacy issues? (I have edited out my musings on intimacy for brevity.) If so, I might have been lucky to be excluded, as most of the group's regulars may either not know what real intimacy is, or not want it anymore.
As for the question of the day.... Yes, it could be me. And I know what the "It" is, unlike the first person I mentioned. For that, I am lucky.
PS: I do not check meetups to see if my ex is part of them, or whether she is going to anything I am interested in. The one time I stumbled into her registration for an event was a fluke. I wonder what will happen when we finally stumble into each other, as the odds would suggest.
PPS: The first person I was writing about even writes loudly. If you were to see an email from this person, you'd understand what I mean....
