I decided to open this post with lines from McCartney's "Picasso's Last Words" because they fit the way I felt as I was getting out of bed this morning.
The grand old painter died last night
His paintings on the wall
Before he went he bade us well
And said goodnight to us all.
His paintings on the wall
Before he went he bade us well
And said goodnight to us all.
Drink to me, drink to my health
You know I can't drink any more
Drink to me, drink to my health
You know I can't drink any more
The reason for this clip was that a good friend of mine, WDS, struggled to write the email below:
I have not taken the vaccine; there seems to some kind of delay.
I had a stroke with two hemorrhages in the left side of my brain one week ago and spent three days in ICU. My right hand is numb often. The right side of my tongue is numb all the time. I lost half my vocabulary. To spell correctly, I must look up almost every word. Sometimes, I lose the ability to speak; when that happens, I can't pronounce any words, and I can't think of any words. Nuance is now gone. I have lost my appetite; last week, I lost 10 lb. I sure that I have lost more this week because my clothes are now too loose.
I do not know how much longer I will remain alive, but as my body shuts down, I think death is close to me.
I use a lot of time when I write replies. This one took me 25 minutes to assemble.
Sadly, I do not have either his phone number or snail mail address. At the time I write this, I have no idea of how to respond to him. Should I volunteer to drive to Florida to see him one last time? Should I try to get a snail mail address and a phone number to be able to reach him by traditional means? I don't know what to do, and I was bothered by this while at work today.
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Last night, I decided to do something I usually don't like doing - cook. I decided to cook something extremely simple, yet a little labor intensive: Cook home made potato chips. It's a bit of a pain, as I had to peel the potatoes, slice them paper thin (next time, I'll use a mandoline for this), then fry them in small batches until golden brown. The problem - I decided to do this at 10:30 at night. Although I had mixed results, I enjoyed the few chips I ate.
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The other day, I wrote something to XGFJ. She misunderstood what I meant, and thought I might be taking a dig at her. (I wasn't.) However, I thought of the following witty reply which I didn't send:
If I were taking a dig at you, you'd have seen the shovel.
Obviously, this would likely have been misinterpreted in the moment. (Later on, I mentioned this in the Zoom meeting with my Texas friends. They laughed, as I would expect....)
But seriously.... When I think of XGFJ, I only would like to have her as an activity partner friend. Dollars to donuts this won't happen because of her fear of seeing me and having her feelings for me kick in. I liked her, but could never trust her enough anymore to risk a romantic relationship. Any person who'd threaten to "out" someone to a person's 92 y/o father can not be trusted with things one confides in an intimate partner.
Years ago, XGFJ used to ask me, "Do you have any complaints about me?" In retrospect, I now do. But will never bother to tell her this. She never trusted me enough to be herself when we had a relationship. She repressed enough of herself to have me around, that I never could help her with her needs. Hopefully, this won't be the case in any future relationship she may have.
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This weekend, FH and I are going to try and make it to the restaurant we planned to go to last week. I hope this happens. It'll be nice to have a nice unhurried meal with her.
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Back to my friend, WDS.... I figured that I'd ask a couple of friends for advice on what to say to him. I feel that I have to say something, but what? I missed the opportunity to say goodbye to one friend sometime in the past few months. At least, with WDS, I have the chance to say goodbye. It's just figuring out how best to do it.
Speaking with TCL, it took me a while to get a chance to speak - and then she listened attentively. But when I called Vicki, she ran off trying to tell me a lot of things and not thinking that I simply needed someone to listen to me while I think much of this out myself. I guess that I'll have to interrupt Vicki and TCL more often, simply to get them to listen instead of talk.
In the end, I sent the following email:
Your news came as a shock to me, and I have some questions. Please take your time to answer them, as you need the energy to focus on your recovery.
- What do the doctors say about recovery?
- Where are you staying now? A Care Facility? Home?
Can you give me an address and a phone number? Someone I can contact? - Would you like for me to come down for a few days?
I don't really want to go to Florida at the last moment. I will do so for WDS, as he was there for me when I needed him most. What are friends for? And this leads me back to a quick mention of XGFJ. Would she have done the same for me when we were a couple? I doubt it. I'm glad I didn't count on her when I was supposed to go for a colonoscopy last year. Even though she said she'd help me after we broke up, I doubt she would have kept her commitment once our dispute started. Over time, one learns who one's real friends are and who they aren't. In my case, I've learned a lot about the quality of people by how they manage their lives. If the worst happens to WDS, I will miss someone who I could trust with my life.
