I keep getting closer and closer to leaving my job

 

This morning, I had an appointment to see my doctor - as Mario.  So I got up later than usual, and took my shower.  Normally, this wouldn't be worth mentioning, but we had a water main break yesterday and I wasn't sure if we'd have enough water for a shower this morning. Luckily, the town's water department worked all through the evening to reroute water supply, so that apartments in my complex had water. (For this, I give them thanks, as it was close to zero degrees last night.

The visit with the doctor went well, as he noted that my A1C level was good.  But he tweaked my meds, and changed when I should take one of them.  Afterwards, I went home to change into Marian mode and went to work.  Unfortunately, I forgot my MP3 player - and I had to tough it out through 4 hours of work without something to distract me.  Luckily, there was a meeting that burnt off 30 minutes of my time, so the day went more quickly than expected.  Even so, I felt as if my days of working full time are numbered, as I realized that I have lost my enthusiasm for doing this job.

A recent email exchange with my friend, WDS, helped me clarify what I want to do with the rest of my life. Last year, he had a medical issue which affected his ability to function and enjoy life.  Although many functions have recovered to some degree, his life is not the same as it was before.  This got me to thinking: Why shouldn't I enjoy how I spend my time for the rest of my life? (as long as I am able to do so, that is.)  I can do many things using a minimal amount of my savings, and turn on a couple of income streams when I need them. (I may be forced to turn them on earlier than I want to do so, but it's not because I need to do so.)

Since I want to take my Hawaii trip as Marian, I figure that I needed to get my Trusted Traveler Number as Mario.  This way, I can reach a security checkpoint, explain things in a minimally uncomfortable position, and "fly pretty" (as Kim would put it).  Yet, I will make a trip or two as Mario, so that I can determine whether it is worth it to see these places as Marian on another trip.

So it all goes back to the question: What do I want to do with the rest of my life, and how do I do those things?  Hopefully, I'll have a lot of pleasant experiences coming up....

The weekend comes awfully quickly....

 

As I write this, they are predicting either 1"-3" of snow to 9"12" of snow.  No, I shouldn't have written this forecast as 1"-12" of snow, as they do not know which way the storm will track.  If it tracks away from the coast, we'll get 1"-3" of the white stuff on the ground.  If it tracks toward the coastline, we'll get the 9"-12" that will cause a lot of problems on Eastern Long Island.

In some ways, this storm will be a blessing to me.  Although I will not be able to see CWS or RQS, I will not be able to see FH as well, freeing me up to get back to work on cleaning up my apartment.  It will also give me the opportunity to sleep later than usual, and finally make a decision on whether I should stay at my present job, or move on with my life.

- - - - - -

A while back, I mentioned my friend WDS.  Well, he's recovering from an ailment he had last year, and is slowly regaining facilities that he had before his ailment struck him.  Today, I wrote him, and he was up to me visiting him - but I would need to stay elsewhere.  Neither of the two extra rooms in the house he rents is furnished.  And that's OK with me, as I'd have my feminine wardrobe with me so I could see YGM.

WDS asked me about what has been going on in my life, and the impression I get from him is that leaving my job would be no great risk for me.  He may be right.  So I plan to write to an out of state headhunter over the weekend, and see if they have remote work available.  If so, I could go back into my old line of work, and never need to leave the house to get a job done.  Wish me luck....

Yesterday, I bought an air conditioner.

 

This is a tale of two air conditioners.  The first, a Friedrich (above), is one designed to fit my Fedders sleeve perfectly.  The other, a GE (below), is one that fits in a Fedders sleeve, but needs a supplied adapter kit to make a proper seal between the unit and sleeve to be both attractive and cool effectively.

I had to make a hard decision between these two units, and I needed the help of a friend to make me secure in my decision.

- - - - - -

But first....

As I may have mentioned before, both my Living Room and Bedroom air conditioners were having problems after being repaired.  The master circuit board on my living room air conditioner was on the fritz late last AC season, and it would not turn off.  After unplugging it for 8 months, the AC would not turn on properly. Either the AC fan would run without the compressor (no cooling, and a waste of electricity), or the compressor would run without the fan (a bigger waste of electricity).  A second repair on top of last year's repair would cost me as much as replacing the unit, so I decided to bite the bullet and replace this unit.  However, this left me with some decisions to be made with the bedroom unit.  A couple of years ago, the unit had a coolant leak which forced me to call factory authorized service for repairs.  This year, the unit doesn't seem to be cooling properly, and I didn't want to risk another repair which would only be a band-aid on the problem.  So I had to choose between repairing or replacing the unit, and then choosing which unit with which to replace the bedroom unit.

Because my two Friedrich units were lemons, I figured that I'd look for units which would fit into my sleeve with the help of an adapter kit.  None of the stores selling air conditioners gave me that option when I bought my living room AC.  So, I bought the Friedrich AC that would fit my sleeve with the highest cooling capacity.  And I am happy with it.  However, when I shopped for my bedroom AC, things were different.  The Friedrich AC that would fit my bedroom sleeve was out of stock.  And the salesman tried to steer me to the GE unit which uses an adapter kit. I was both unhappy that this option wasn't offered to me the first time I went to the store, and that I needed to choose between two imperfect solutions to my problem.  So I called my friend Vicki.

As my readers know, Vicki has been the voice of sanity in my life.  She is my most reliable and rational friend, now that my friend WDS has likely passed away.  When I reached her, we talked about my options and helped me come to a quick decision.  Although the GE unit would likely work and fit my needs, the Friedrich unit would do a better job for me.  We ended our chat when I reached the second store, where I bought the Friedrich unit.  Although it won't be delivered until after the next heat wave is over, it will be a welcome replacement for a unit which has become unreliable at too early an age.

- - - - - -

Given that I live in a top floor apartment with little cross ventilation, Air Conditioning is a requirement for me.  My persistent "complaining" kept the repair of my bedroom AC sleeve on top of the essential repair list.  So I'd have been foolish NOT to do what was needed to stay cool in the hot summer.  

What do you think I have should done?  Which AC solution should I have chosen?

PS: This question has been made more complex by a matter I'll discuss in my next post.

 

 

 

 

 

Dinner with "Short Vicki" (a short post)

 

As usual, my day revolved around what was going to occur in the evening.  For today, my night time appointment was with Vicki #2 (the "Short" Vicki.)  We haven't seen each other for a while, and it was nice to get together at Leftris Gyro for dinner.

I told Vicki of the things going on in my life: Dating, Work, and the impending death of a friend.  And she talked about the things going on in her life, such as her spouse's cancer being kept in check (for now).  In one sense, things were a little awkward.  And yet, it was good for each of us to get together with a friend.

After dinner, I checked my messages.  And DCD responded to my "What's Up?" message.  Sadly, the growth in his head is coming back.  So they will need to do another operation, then treat the area with radiation.  We will get together when he gets back from vacation.

What is the coincidence that 3 people I know all have problems with their brains.  WDS had a stroke, and will never regain full function.  Vicki's spouse had a surgery to remove a brain tumor.  And DCD will need to go under the knife again.  AARGH!  It makes my troubles look small by comparison.

Thinking about my friend, WDS

(If you look carefully, WDS is reflected as behind his dog.)

The other day, I wrote about WDS's latest response to an email of mine.  So I responded with another email of my own:

WDS, 

1. I understand that there are no promises. And I'm not a person who deals in false hopes.
2. I'm glad you are not in a care home. Do you have anyone looking in on you now and then? I have similar values as you do regarding the quality of life. It was important to me that I was there to support you in your time of need, and would do that again.
3. Can you take care of any paperwork that comes your way? Do you have someone who will contact your friends and family (I only know of a half sibling of yours) when the time comes?

Remember that I will support you in the decisions you make. If you need someone to come down for a short while to help, I will do so.

Please keep me up to date on things.... Although we haven't been in the same place in years, I still consider you among my best friends.

Mario

I'm hoping that WDS understands all of what I'm trying to say.

WDS is an atheist. So saying like "my thoughts and prayers are with you" would be an insult, as he thinks that religion and worship are worthless. The fact that he is in his rented home is important to me, as it means he can control his destiny to some extent. However, I am concerned about his ability to handle paperwork, as he lost part of the brain which controls speech and language. It has also affected to use the right side of his body. Since I remember him being right handed, the effects of the stroke would be enough to make me want to take a long dirt nap. So, I can only imagine what a fitness conscious person like WDS must be feeling right now.

I'll miss WDS, although we haven't seen each other in years.  When I got the short term job at the payments firm, WDS gifted me a top of the line iPad. He made sure I couldn't refuse his gift.  There are many more things I might want to enumerate, but I won't do so right now.  Instead, I only want for him to go into the dark unknown in the way he chooses to go.  Hopefully, he'll be able to do that.  From what I can tell by the following reply, I think he'll get what he wishes.

A former member of the dog club calls me daily or twice daily and comes once a week.
Yes, I can take care of paper work.

Thank you

This is all I need to know.  I asked if he wanted me to call him, but I think he'll say No.  So in many ways, I think this will be the last communication I have with my old friend.

 

 

Mavis Tires - The second, but not final visit.

 

You might wonder why I show pictures of a car's exhaust system.  Well, the long pipe connecting the engine to the rest of the exhaust system failed, along with the parts closest to the tail pipe.  Yesterday, I brought the car to Mavis Tires, expecting to have the work completed by the end of the day.  However, the parts supplier couldn't get the parts to Mavis on time to get me out the door by 5.  So I was told to come back after work to get this work done and to get my wallet emptied.

Whenever I get work done on my car, I go as Mario.  Yesterday, this meant a quick stop at home to change into Marian before going to work.  Today, it meant changing into Mario after work before going to Mavis.  So I had to plan out my day very carefully.

- - - - - -

This morning, the Route 9A Southbound traffic jam from Croton to Route 134 was much worse than usual for 7:20 am.  Cars were bunching up at the end of the bridge out of Croton, and I had to take side roads to bypass much of the jam.  Another jam was around Route 133, and I had to again reroute to side roads instead of getting stuck in traffic.  If I didn't know the alternative routes on side roads, I'd never have made it to work on time.  But I did lose my chance to have a cup of coffee before starting work.

At lunchtime, I received the following message from WDS:

Hello Dear Friend,

1. My brain may recover, but there are no promises. The pressure of the two hemorrhages between my cranium and brain has already killed a whole bunch of brain cells.

2. I'm staying at a house that I rent. No, please don't try to help me. I don't want to live forever, and I definitely don't want to survive as a vegetable. Quality of life is very important to me. Remember that I have had personal experience with that subject and that I understand it well.

3. No, thank you. I get tired easily, and I have to allocate my efforts to selected activities.

I appreciate your friendship and offer to help, but this is an end of life state. I must choose the right path for me at the right time. 

Hopefully when the time comes, he will have someone near him to keep him company as he starts his trip to the great unknown.  Also, I hope that he has someone lined up to inform his friends and family of his demise.

Next, I received a text from FH that something was wrong, and she wanted to talk this evening.  It seems like she wanted more time to talk with her friend, and asked me to come for dessert instead of a midday dinner.

After 8 hours of playing digital "Whack-a-Mole", I was tired and ready to go home.  Instead, I could only stop there long enough to clean myself up, change clothes, and then go to Mavis.  While at Mavis, I texted Vicki, and she picked me up for an unplanned dinner at Panera Bread.  So, at 7:30, I returned to Mavis with a hope that my car would be ready.

My hopes for a quiet car were dashed when I was told that the pipe at the end of the muffler (see bottom left photo) was about 5 inches too short.  It couldn't connect with the rest of the tailpipe.  So I ended up with a noisy car that will have to take me up to see a friend tomorrow.  At least, the fellow assures me that this will be fixed for good on Saturday morning.  Damn.  It would be the only day I could wake up late, and now I can't do so.  AARGH!

Tomorrow, I'll be meeting up with Maria #2 after work.  It'll be nice to catch up with her again.

I woke up as the day went on....

 

Getting up in the morning is often a hard thing for me.  If I wake up early after going to sleep late, it's going to take several cups of black coffee to keep me awake enough to do my job.  Today was one of those days.

- - - - - -

I woke up early this morning, and didn't have enough sleep.  So, when I arrived at work, I was both sleep and caffeine deprived.  This meant that by the time my boss came in at 9:00 am, I was struggling to keep my eyes open enough to do enough of my job to justify my salary.  Thankfully, 10:00 am came quickly, and I rushed into the break room to ingest 2 cups of coffee into my caffeine stream.  By the time lunch time came, the caffeine kicked in, and I was able to make it through the rest of the day without incident.

Once home, I was wide awake, and left a message for Vicki to thank her for her help last night. I knew what I had to send to WDS, and knew that I had to be prepared to visit him if asked.  (I didn't realize that I sent the email to TCL instead of WDS last night.  So I sent it to him this evening.)  Since her husband was going up to "the farm", she was free to go out to eat. so we went to a Chinese restaurant that I used to go to with my former cruise partner.  

Vicki and I talked about a variety of things, WDS not being one of them, as we talked that through the night before.  The big thing was to give me ideas on how I could dress for summer at my office.  And I think I'll work with those ideas to find out what will look good on my body, as well as appear appropriately feminine while presenting as Marian.

Some more odds and ends, starting with Picasso's Last Words.

 

I decided to open this post with lines from McCartney's "Picasso's Last Words" because they fit the way I felt as I was getting out of bed this morning.

The grand old painter died last night
His paintings on the wall
Before he went he bade us well
And said goodnight to us all.

 
Drink to me, drink to my health
You know I can't drink any more
Drink to me, drink to my health
You know I can't drink any more

 

The reason for this clip was that a good friend of mine, WDS, struggled to write the email below:

I have not taken the vaccine; there seems to some kind of delay.

I had a stroke with two hemorrhages in the left side of my brain one week ago and spent three days in ICU. My right hand is numb often. The right side of my tongue is numb all the time. I lost half my vocabulary. To spell correctly, I must look up almost every word. Sometimes, I lose the ability to speak; when that happens, I can't pronounce any words, and I can't think of any words. Nuance is now gone. I have lost my appetite; last week, I lost 10 lb. I sure that I have lost more this week because my clothes are now too loose.

I do not know how much longer I will remain alive, but as my body shuts down, I think death is close to me.

I use a lot of time when I write replies. This one took me 25 minutes to assemble.

Sadly, I do not have either his phone number or snail mail address.  At the time I write this, I have no idea of how to respond to him.  Should I volunteer to drive to Florida to see him one last time?  Should I try to get a snail mail address and a phone number to be able to reach him by traditional means?  I don't know what to do, and I was bothered by this while at work today.

- - - - - -

Last night, I decided to do something I usually don't like doing - cook.  I decided to cook something extremely simple, yet a little labor intensive: Cook home made potato chips.  It's a bit of a pain, as I had to peel the potatoes, slice them paper thin (next time, I'll use a mandoline for this), then fry them in small batches until golden brown.  The problem - I decided to do this at 10:30 at night.  Although I had mixed results, I enjoyed the few chips I ate.

- - - - - -

 

The other day, I wrote something to XGFJ.  She misunderstood what I meant, and thought I might be taking a dig at her.  (I wasn't.)  However, I thought of the following witty reply which I didn't send:

 

If I were taking a dig at you, you'd have seen the shovel.

 

Obviously, this would likely have been misinterpreted in the moment.  (Later on, I mentioned this in the Zoom meeting with my Texas friends.  They laughed, as I would expect....)

But seriously....  When I think of XGFJ, I only would like to have her as an activity partner friend.  Dollars to donuts this won't happen because of her fear of seeing me and having her feelings for me kick in.  I liked her, but could never trust her enough anymore to risk a romantic relationship.  Any person who'd threaten to "out" someone to a person's 92 y/o father can not be trusted with things one confides in an intimate partner.   

Years ago, XGFJ used to ask me, "Do you have any complaints about me?"  In retrospect, I now do.  But will never bother to tell her this.  She never trusted me enough to be herself when we had a relationship.  She repressed enough of herself to have me around, that I never could help her with her needs.  Hopefully, this won't be the case in any future relationship she may have. 

 

- - - - - - 

This weekend, FH and I are going to try and make it to the restaurant we planned to go to last week.  I hope this happens.  It'll be nice to have a nice unhurried meal with her.

- - - - - -

Back to my friend, WDS....  I figured that I'd ask a couple of friends for advice on what to say to him.  I feel that I have to say something, but what?  I missed the opportunity to say goodbye to one friend sometime in the past few months.  At least, with WDS, I have the chance to say goodbye.  It's just figuring out how best to do it.

Speaking with TCL, it took me a while to get a chance to speak - and then she listened attentively.  But when I called Vicki, she ran off trying to tell me a lot of things and not thinking that I simply needed someone to listen to me while I think much of this out myself.  I guess that I'll have to interrupt Vicki and TCL more often, simply to get them to listen instead of talk.

In the end, I sent the following email:

Your news came as a shock to me, and I have some questions. Please take your time to answer them, as you need the energy to focus on your recovery.

1. What do the doctors say about recovery?
2. Where are you staying now? A Care Facility? Home?
   Can you give me an address and a phone number? Someone I can contact?
3. Would you like for me to come down for a few days?
   

I don't really want to go to Florida at the last moment. I will do so for WDS, as he was there for me when I needed him most. What are friends for? And this leads me back to a quick mention of XGFJ. Would she have done the same for me when we were a couple? I doubt it. I'm glad I didn't count on her when I was supposed to go for a colonoscopy last year. Even though she said she'd help me after we broke up, I doubt she would have kept her commitment once our dispute started. Over time, one learns who one's real friends are and who they aren't. In my case, I've learned a lot about the quality of people by how they manage their lives. If the worst happens to WDS, I will miss someone who I could trust with my life.

 

 

 

A trip into NYC

 

When I first worked in NYC many years ago, my friend WDS and I used to frequent this joint.  The food was always good, and the prices were always reasonable.  Today was my first chance to visit this place in years, and it didn't bring back any good (or bad) memories.  It was just another New York City restaurant that has weathered the pandemic, and has found a way to stay alive until things return to a new "Normal".

- - - - - -

FH and I had planned to visit Manhattan's Chinatown or Williamsburgh, Brooklyn today, and Manhattan won out.  So it was off to the core of the Big Apple, hitting every traffic jam along the way.  Once we reached Manhattan, FH's GI Tract started acting up, and we ended up in the West Village.  This is we found an on-street parking spot nearby several open restaurants.  And it was just in time, as FH had to take care of some urgent business.  With that out of the way, we sat down to enjoy a nice late lunch or early dinner.  

Considering that it was starting to get a little bit cooler after we ate, FH suggested that we head over to the Brooklyn Wegmans, so that she could pick up some food before going home. Unlike our previous visits, we had no problems finding a parking spot - Passover was starting, and most Jews were likely to be at home celebrating the holiday with family.  And then, FH's GI Tract acted up again.  So we cut our shopping run short, and went back to her place.   Unfortunately, there were no spaces available near her apartment, so I ended up going home earlier than either of us wanted.

Thinking about an old friend

I first met WDS when I was 16.  That was about 46 years ago.  He lived around the block from the college we once attended.  In many ways, he was the smarter of the two of us.  Yet, he was the one to praise my intelligence.  He never graduated from the school. Yet, he had a more successful technical career than I had.  He had the drive to keep up with changing times and provide for his own security, where I was secured by the bronze handcuffs of the firm I once worked for.

WDS was born in South America, and immigrated to the US at a young age.  I don't know much about his pre-college years, as we never discussed that part of his life.  At the time I met him, he was playing around with experimental music.  But the thing we had most in common was an interest in programming computers.  He saw me as the young kid who'd sneak into computer centers to have his programs run. (I was the type who'd hack security to do what I wanted to do, but never had the wish to cause others any harm.) He was the more pragmatic one of our motley pairing. Education was to serve a purpose, and when formal education was no longer needed, he dispensed with it.

There is a several year difference in our ages, and he was the one who first found a full time job.  A year later, I followed suit, and left the world of day-time studies.  (I finished my undergraduate degree at night, taking 4 calendar years to finish my last year of studies.)   Eventually, we ended up in the same firm - for about 2 weeks.  And then, our career paths never crossed again.  However, we did take advantage of the fact that we were young, had high incomes, and no responsibilities.  I can still remember going into Greenwich Village for a French Dinner that cost each of us $100 - almost 40 years ago.  (Could you imagine what I could have done had I been more frugal with my money?)

As with most cisgender males, women have a "nasty" habit of coming into our lives.  I never was that successful in dating. But WDS was, and got married to a woman who couldn't stand my presence.  So we lost contact for several years.  And then, out of the blue, WDS reestablished contact after getting a divorce and our friendship was renewed.  A few years later, WDS met another woman and married her.  This time things were better - the two of them got along well, and his wife was able to tolerate (if not feel comfortable with) my friendship with WDS.

During this era, I got a job with the bank, and was there for 30 years.  I also met my wife, and WDS was best man at our wedding.  But our lives grew further and further apart - we had very different interests, and WDS had the social polish that I could never have.  (His father was a successful man in South America, and made sure that he had the social skills to travel in any social circle.)

My friend was there for me when my wife took ill and when she died.  And I was there for him when his wife committed suicide. Sadly, she suffered from the same type of cancer that took my late wife, and didn't want to spend the last 2 months of her life doped up and unable to have rational thought. Almost a decade later, I can still remember the basic details of that evening as if it were yesterday.

The last time I saw WDS was at a local pizzeria.  He came up to meet me and Ex-GF-M.  We had a nice lunch, and I always thought that I would see him again.  That hasn't happened.  However, about t years later, he sent me a gift - a fully loaded iPad Air 2, with LTE for when I don't have WiFi access.  This must have set him back a nice penny.

In the years since then, we have communicated exclusively by email.  I neither have a mailing address or phone number for him.  He does work for the local "Agility" (competitive dog training) circuit where he lives, but there is little trace of him otherwise.  I know that he kept busy doing very technical things - software technology that I don't even understand.  He has suggested that I get back into programming.  But I wouldn't know how to get back in and make a buck from it.  So I decided to take down my technology shingle and let youngsters with more energy stay in that rat race.





WDS does not yet know that I am trans.  I just wonder what would happen when or if he finds out....

They've paved paradise, and put up a parking lot.

I think it was Joni Mitchell who penned the line "You don't know what you got 'til it's gone." And she is so right!  I lost my wife over 20 years ago, and I didn't appreciate her presence in my life until she was gone.  No, I don't beat myself up over ignorance and mistakes in my past.  Instead, I do my damnedest to avoid making the kinds of mistakes that I'll regret in the future.


So why am I referencing the line from a classic song?

Lately, I have been thinking about the impermanence of life and the people I miss.  There are times that I want to visit my friend Barbara in Cape Cod, and then I remember that she isn't with us any longer. Not all of the friends that I miss have passed away. But some are just too far away to be in regular contact.  For example, YGM now lives in Florida, and it is very inconvenient for us to keep in contact.  She has a job, two kids to care for, as well as a mother and a husband.  I can only imagine what she has to deal with, and keeping in touch with her friends is not high on her list of priorities.

It's been ages since I've heard from my friend, WDS.  He gave me the present of a fully loaded iPad when I got the job with the payments firm in NYC.  Sadly, I lost that job due to my own inadequacies for that job.  But in many ways, it was the best thing that could happen to me.  I didn't know the freedom I'd have when I decided not to work on a full time basis anymore.  And I didn't realize what I lost when I had to start watching my pennies again.

Change is an ever present constant in our lives. The older we get, the more we lose from the lives we once led.  Yet, this gives us new opportunities - if we're lucky to see them.