I was thinking of a good person today. She was a member of our community, but we didn't lose her due to Covid-19 itself. Instead, we lost her because nearby hospitals were overloaded with Covid-19 patients and were unable to diagnose or treat her cancer before it was out of control.
Things were not supposed to go this way. I had planned two more years of working and then get going on my bucket list. I have been fortunate beyond belief being blessed with the best wife and family any man could have. I have had a good career and have fought many battles but those days are behind me.
I am sad that I will not likely complete some of the plans I had. I figured I would reach 70 in two years and retire and then start living my life and doing all the things I could not do while working. There are many of you that I planned to see and visit but unless something good happens that will not occur. Right now any movement is exhausting and talking is difficult. I wish I could breathe or even walk from one room to the next. I will continue to fight one day at a time but the current prognosis is depressing.
I am thankful for the life that the Lord has given me. It has been a good run with good friends and a great family. In June I would be married 48 years. My goal was to make it at least until 50 years married. I would love a few more rounds of golf and a few more runs down a ski hill but now it is hard to move from the recliner. I had planned to take my wife across the country to meet some of my friends but if the doctor is right that is not in the cards.
I thank you for your support and prayers. I may not have the ability to write again since getting on the computer is a strain. I will look to see you all again on the other side.
I wish you all health and happiness.
I do not think she would mind if I shared this last message as well as showing her picture. This is the person she always wanted to be, but had to keep in a closet. When she got too sick to have realistic hope of recovery, her wife disposed of her female clothing because she was afraid of what others may think.
Life is way too short to worry about what others may think. One must live authentically. For me, it is currently a life split between two worlds. But for my friend, it was a second life mostly led in secret. She could never take the risk that other people would find out about this side of her, nor could she share the beauty in her soul that this side of her represented. Yet, she helped make it possible for me to be the person I am.
My friend and I met in person only once. She could only treat her female side as part of a fantasy because the reality of coming out would be way too risky. If I could have advised her to do one thing, I'd have advised her to be brave and share this part of her soul with others. Yes, it would have come with big risks. I lost someone special because she couldn't deal with this side of me, or couldn't talk about her feelings about this side of me until it was too late. But the rewards may have been worth the risk. Sadly, only my friend would know if this is true - and by now, she has likely passed away.
I would have liked to say my goodbyes in person while she was alive. It would have been nice if her wife had sent out an email with wake/funeral information, so that we could pay our respects after her death. (This is one time I'd choose to wear a dark MEN'S SUIT, as the wife did not approve of my friend's need to express her femininity.) There were so many things that could have been better that were not to be.
It's hard to believe that I don't even know my friend's last name, or where she lived. Several years ago, she gave me advice that helped me break down the wall of fear that prevented me from going out and about as Marian. She later gave me more good advice when I needed it - all while she was suffering with her cancer. I miss my friend.
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