Thoughts about a friend and her husband

 

I had lunch with a friend the other day, and noticed that she may be a little divorced from an objective reality.  A society needs objective rules to function, even if it means that some actions automatically give the wrong person the benefit of the doubt in legal issues.

My friend has been married for over 25 years.  She has been with this man through thick and thin.  One of the trouble spots in their relationship was when he was stopped by a cop and charged with a DWI (Driving While Intoxicated).  This caused him to lose his license for 3 years, and for my friend to drive him to and from work, all while going to work herself.  At that time, she told me that she'd divorce him if he ever was stopped for DWI again.  (Most of their property is in her name alone.)  She wasn't going to judge him - if he was out drinking and needed a ride, she'd pick him up - no questions asked.

Normally, when someone gets his/her license back and that person stays clean, there is no problem.  Things go back to a new normal, and the person has learned from his/her error.  (Or, that's the way things aught to be.)  Yet, there are some lingering consequences to a DWI that most Americans don't bump into until they travel to foreign lands....

Cruising has become my main way of recharging my batteries.  This friend would love to go on an Alaskan cruise with her husband.  But there is one problem - his DWI.  Canada considers a DWI to be a felony, and will not (in general) let Americans even travel through their country if they have a DWI. So, how does this affect my friend and her husband?  As I mentioned to her, her husband would have to apply for an exemption in advance of cruising through Canada,  For most people, this would not be a problem.  They recognize that laws are laws, and each nation has a right to set its own standards for how people are expected to behave and who is admitted to that country or not. . 

Most people consider that DWI and DUI (Driving Under the Influence) standards have to be objectively applied.  If a person drives while over the blood alcohol limit, he/she is considered to cause an accident if one occurs.  (The accident would not have occurred had the DWI driver not been on the road.)  My friend objects to this, as she claims that her husband drives safely - even after a few drinks. 

Unfortunately, my friend will not be able to take the Alaskan cruise that she and her husband would like to go on.  He would refuse to apply for an exemption to be able to travel through Canada.  She supports him, as she believes that the objective standard noted above shouldn't apply to someone like her husband.  Sadly, their pride gets in the way of reality - sometimes, one has to admit that one has been wrong, in order to overcome the penalties of doing wrong.

Sometimes, the answer is simple.

 

A little over a couple of weeks ago, I mentioned an email I wrote to DCD.  The email was critical of his inability to be honest with people, or to manage the responsibilities which a normal adult would manage. And I think I know why this bothers me so much - I used to be a bit like DCD, and grew out of that stage of life. Sometimes, a person just has to grow up and act like an adult.  It took me much longer than it should have for me to be an adult myself, and I hurt the feelings of a lot of people along my way to adulthood (while legally being an adult.)  

- - - - - -

There is still a part of me where childishness exists, an ability to tap into my inner child and experience the world with a sense of wonder. Yet, the adult part of me is cynical and world-weary.  The other day, I had a conversation with my brother talking about how hard his adult life has been.  (He raised 2 children of his own, as well as dealing with his wife's son from her first marriage.)  Both the wife and stepson developed substance addictions, and my brother has had to deal with her issues for the better part of 3 decades.  Then he mentioned my issues, saying that I didn't have that easy a life.  In short, we both understood that life hasn't been easy for either of us and that we appreciate where we are in life.

When I was last with my brother, he handed me a letter that my dad meant for me to read after he died.  It was a good thing to read, as I felt it said something that my dad couldn't say while he was alive.  The letter read:

Dear Mario

Please don't mourn for me too much.

I know it will be tough for you, my not being there for you..

Always look back at the good times we had during our vacations.

Mom and I both loved you very much; we know this was no picnic for you.  But you were strong enough to manage it.

Always stay in touch with your brother and the family, as they will sustain you when things get rough.

Remember to keep your head about you before you speak and act.

This is not a lecture for you, but advice.

I love you very much, even though I did not tell you often enough.

Working to keep the wolf away from the door took up a lot of both mother's and my time.  We may not have given you the attention you may have wanted or needed.

However, we did care, and loved you more than you will ever know.

Keep fond memories of both mom and I in your heart and don't let things get you down.

Love Dad.

Well, I felt much better after reading this letter. No, it didn't change things.  Yet, it did say the things my dad couldn't say to me while he was alive.  My dad was the type of man who I was glad to have as a father.  He did the best he could, given that he had a limited education and had to always hustle to keep the same roof over our heads until adulthood.  And I think he was proud of the adults my brother and I became towards the end of his life.

- - - - - -

So, back to DCD....

He's turning 60 soon, and he doesn't have a pot to piss in.  He has no wife, no girlfriend, no career, and will eventually be unable to run home to his mom.  (She's nearing 90 years old, and I can't see her outliving DCD.)  He'll have to become an adult, even if that means admitting that he's unable to take care of himself and has to ask for help.

His answer is simple: He has to "Man Up" and be an adult while he can. Otherwise, I see him spiraling towards oblivion, dying alone with no one caring if he lives or dies.  Hopefully, he will make the right choice soon.