Thoughts about a friend and her husband

 

I had lunch with a friend the other day, and noticed that she may be a little divorced from an objective reality.  A society needs objective rules to function, even if it means that some actions automatically give the wrong person the benefit of the doubt in legal issues.

My friend has been married for over 25 years.  She has been with this man through thick and thin.  One of the trouble spots in their relationship was when he was stopped by a cop and charged with a DWI (Driving While Intoxicated).  This caused him to lose his license for 3 years, and for my friend to drive him to and from work, all while going to work herself.  At that time, she told me that she'd divorce him if he ever was stopped for DWI again.  (Most of their property is in her name alone.)  She wasn't going to judge him - if he was out drinking and needed a ride, she'd pick him up - no questions asked.

Normally, when someone gets his/her license back and that person stays clean, there is no problem.  Things go back to a new normal, and the person has learned from his/her error.  (Or, that's the way things aught to be.)  Yet, there are some lingering consequences to a DWI that most Americans don't bump into until they travel to foreign lands....

Cruising has become my main way of recharging my batteries.  This friend would love to go on an Alaskan cruise with her husband.  But there is one problem - his DWI.  Canada considers a DWI to be a felony, and will not (in general) let Americans even travel through their country if they have a DWI. So, how does this affect my friend and her husband?  As I mentioned to her, her husband would have to apply for an exemption in advance of cruising through Canada,  For most people, this would not be a problem.  They recognize that laws are laws, and each nation has a right to set its own standards for how people are expected to behave and who is admitted to that country or not. . 

Most people consider that DWI and DUI (Driving Under the Influence) standards have to be objectively applied.  If a person drives while over the blood alcohol limit, he/she is considered to cause an accident if one occurs.  (The accident would not have occurred had the DWI driver not been on the road.)  My friend objects to this, as she claims that her husband drives safely - even after a few drinks. 

Unfortunately, my friend will not be able to take the Alaskan cruise that she and her husband would like to go on.  He would refuse to apply for an exemption to be able to travel through Canada.  She supports him, as she believes that the objective standard noted above shouldn't apply to someone like her husband.  Sadly, their pride gets in the way of reality - sometimes, one has to admit that one has been wrong, in order to overcome the penalties of doing wrong.

By the time you read this....

 

By the time you read this, I will have both gone to a doctor to see about my persistent cough and have gone on my California cruise with RQS.  And I'll have much to report when I get back.

I'm not one who is comfortable going to new doctors, dealing with new procedures, etc. when it comes to my health.  So, it took a badly abscessed tooth to get me going to a dentist on a regular basis.  It took me almost getting pneumonia to start seeing my internist on a regular basis.  It took a former girlfriend to get me to see a sleep doctor. And it took a former friend to get me to see a dermatologist (who I should see again soon). As you can guess, I am nervous about going to the Doc in a Box today, and may write another post about it later on.

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Tomorrow, we'll be flying to LA for our cruise.  On our one full free day in LA, we intend to see my uncle, and then do a little of the tourist thing.  Unfortunately, many of the attractions will close at 5 pm, not giving us enough time to do more than one museum or attraction.  But then, I never loved LA.  Its sprawl befits the description, "LA is a suburb in search of a city." I prefer to be in a traditional city.

Afterward, we will go on our cruise and stop in San Francisco for a couple of days. In a way, this trip is our way of connecting with family on the West Coast. First, we'll visit the place where I scattered my late wife's ashes. RQS won't mind that, as I was with her when she scattered her husband's ashes. (Of course, we'll spend the better part of the two days in San Francisco doing the typical tourist thing.) Then we will sail off to San Diego, where we'll meet up with RQS's cousin for the day. And all too soon, we'll be home.

It's been hard to identify why I am ambivalent about taking this trip.  And now I think I've figured it out.  It will likely be the last time I see my uncle while he's alive.  It may be the last time I visit San Francisco and go where I scattered my late wife's ashes.  It may be the last chance that RQS gets to meet her older cousin.  In short, it's a trip with a set of "Lasts" that is giving me a sense of sadness before it begins.

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A while back, FCP criticized me, saying that I had nothing going on in my life. (I take this slightly out of context, as I don't want to rehash old wounds.)  I think she'd now say that I have a life of my own. It's far from perfect, but it's my life and I'm living it.

RQS makes me glad that she's in my life.  Unlike Ex-GF-M, RQS is willing to try new things when with me.  She is willing to get a little lost along the way, and explore what serendipity brings to us.  Unlike XGFJ, she's willing to force the issue and make me tell her how I feel.  And unlike my relationship with Patty, our relationship is built on solid ground - we both feel secure.  It's a shame that it took me almost 25 years to find a relationship that really works for me. But as they say, "you've got to kiss a few frogs before you find a prince(ss)."  

And sometimes, I even get phone calls.

Last night, I was talking to Maria for the better part of an hour.  She needed someone she could talk with, and I was the designated recipient of the phone call.  So, I listened to her vent about her husband's illness, her daughter's chemical imbalance and irresponsibility, and the breakdown of her computer.  Today, we had plans to talk with each other when she got off of work.

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This morning, I had totally forgotten about Maria's call as I went about my day.  Not having that much to do, I had the TV on in the background when she called. It seems as Maria was helped by last night's chat, as she was telling me about the sequence of events for her day - work, dropping the computer off at a fix-it shop, and then taking her husband for continuing medical care.

Maria is the type of person for whom doing the right thing isn't enough to keep bad things from happening.  When her first marriage ended, she was left with only the roof over her head.  For 6 months or so, she was sleeping on a bed she borrowed fro me.  Her ex-husband had taken almost all the furniture in the house as he left.  Her second (and current) husband had his own issues that I won't go into right now. It is the aftermath of these issues that is adding to Maria's problems.  Couple this with a daughter who is irresponsible, a grandson that Maria is raising, and a granddaughter on the way, and Maria is highly stressed.

Sadly, I don't see a happy end in sight for Maria.  Her husband is not the type of person who could advocate for himself that well, and seems to have given up on life.  I hope I'm wrong, but I'll be there for my friend of several decades when the worst inevitably happens.