Sometimes, the answer is simple.

 

A little over a couple of weeks ago, I mentioned an email I wrote to DCD.  The email was critical of his inability to be honest with people, or to manage the responsibilities which a normal adult would manage. And I think I know why this bothers me so much - I used to be a bit like DCD, and grew out of that stage of life. Sometimes, a person just has to grow up and act like an adult.  It took me much longer than it should have for me to be an adult myself, and I hurt the feelings of a lot of people along my way to adulthood (while legally being an adult.)  

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There is still a part of me where childishness exists, an ability to tap into my inner child and experience the world with a sense of wonder. Yet, the adult part of me is cynical and world-weary.  The other day, I had a conversation with my brother talking about how hard his adult life has been.  (He raised 2 children of his own, as well as dealing with his wife's son from her first marriage.)  Both the wife and stepson developed substance addictions, and my brother has had to deal with her issues for the better part of 3 decades.  Then he mentioned my issues, saying that I didn't have that easy a life.  In short, we both understood that life hasn't been easy for either of us and that we appreciate where we are in life.

When I was last with my brother, he handed me a letter that my dad meant for me to read after he died.  It was a good thing to read, as I felt it said something that my dad couldn't say while he was alive.  The letter read:

Dear Mario

Please don't mourn for me too much.

I know it will be tough for you, my not being there for you..

Always look back at the good times we had during our vacations.

Mom and I both loved you very much; we know this was no picnic for you.  But you were strong enough to manage it.

Always stay in touch with your brother and the family, as they will sustain you when things get rough.

Remember to keep your head about you before you speak and act.

This is not a lecture for you, but advice.

I love you very much, even though I did not tell you often enough.

Working to keep the wolf away from the door took up a lot of both mother's and my time.  We may not have given you the attention you may have wanted or needed.

However, we did care, and loved you more than you will ever know.

Keep fond memories of both mom and I in your heart and don't let things get you down.

Love Dad.

Well, I felt much better after reading this letter. No, it didn't change things.  Yet, it did say the things my dad couldn't say to me while he was alive.  My dad was the type of man who I was glad to have as a father.  He did the best he could, given that he had a limited education and had to always hustle to keep the same roof over our heads until adulthood.  And I think he was proud of the adults my brother and I became towards the end of his life.

- - - - - -

So, back to DCD....

He's turning 60 soon, and he doesn't have a pot to piss in.  He has no wife, no girlfriend, no career, and will eventually be unable to run home to his mom.  (She's nearing 90 years old, and I can't see her outliving DCD.)  He'll have to become an adult, even if that means admitting that he's unable to take care of himself and has to ask for help.

His answer is simple: He has to "Man Up" and be an adult while he can. Otherwise, I see him spiraling towards oblivion, dying alone with no one caring if he lives or dies.  Hopefully, he will make the right choice soon.

Sending a letter

 

The other day, I sent a letter to someone I once knew.  It was meant to be a polite way of reopening a channel of communications between two people, as the holidays would be a good time to see if this person was looking for a way to reopen up communications between us.

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This got me thinking - how many people have we lost contact with because of things getting in the way? One acquaintance from my days running a FIDO BBS (Bulletin Board System) and I never seem to connect with each other, although we occasionally try to do so.  He has a rewarding family life, with a wife and children.  Hopefully, we'll be able to connect soon.  DCD has had health and family problems.  But he is a friend of questionable value, as he doesn't make much of an effort to stay in contact anymore, now that his life is falling apart.  Most of my polyamorous friends in the "North Country" have scattered to the winds, and I don't miss them because we never built strong bonds.  And I don't go to many meetups these days, as I haven't found many of the groups conducive to making friends. 

Did I gain much from meetup groups?  Well, with one meetup group, I made some good friends I can count on to be there for me on occasion.  With others, I have made one or two friends.  But, for the most part, I gained invaluable experience being out in the world as Marian.  And this is what counts....

You might be wondering...

 

You might be wondering how I spend many of my days lately.  No, I'm not talking of events I blog, but simply of the every day events that go on.  This post should give you a taste of the more boring parts of my life.

Lately, my sleep patterns have gone out of whack. It has become a common occurrence for me to go to sleep around 4-5 am, and wake up around noon.  This precludes me doing much during the day. But with sloppy snow on the ground, there's not much I really want to do outside.  Throw on the pandemic, and the high points of my week are the few times I go out to the stores to go food shopping and the times I've met with FH on the weekend.

Being with people always recharged me.  Now, with the pandemic around us, I have little interest in doing much of anything anymore.  It's easy for me to go for a day or two, not getting out of my jammies. It's not a good thing for me.

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Years ago, I used to send out boxes of Christmas cards. Now, I receive so few, that I tend to write holiday letters that are unique to each individual who writes me. And I feel that this is much more personal than a common greeting sent out to thousands of people who have bought the same package of cards.

Ever since I started with my meetup group's "Secret Pen Pal" activity, I've found that the mere activity of being "forced" to put my thoughts into words has helped me to have unique things to say to people.  No, I will never be a great wordsmith.  But I can organize my thoughts into things worth saying, and in a way that I hope brings other people a little bit of happiness when they read those words.

- - - - - -

You would think that the pandemic has given me time to clean up my apartment.  Without having someone nearby, it is a task that always seems to get waylaid. To make things worse, the place is not in shape to have my cleaning lady come over.  (But with the pandemic, I doubt she's entering many houses these days.)  I expect that by the time I am vaccinated, that I will need to make a serious effort to get this place cleaned up.

If I were to show you pictures of my place, you'd wonder why it got so cluttered.  With no place to go, and no one to have over, one easily gets into a "why bother?" mood.  I was one of those who did so.

- - - - - -

Well, it's time for me to stop writing and to get to do something else.  So I'll "see" you soon....

 

 

 

Even when things go wonderfully right, they go wrong

 

Over the past few weeks, I've been trying to compose a letter I want to send to someone who once was special to me.  Inside this letter, I mention something important - if we ended a romance when we should have, I'd be asking my closest friend for important advice instead of feeling sad about a friendship that ended poorly.

Why do I mention this?

This weekend, I had dates with two ladies. Both of them are interested in me. Both would be good choices for me.  Both know about me in my masculine and feminine presentations.  And I was reminded of this joke:

Shortly after Utah statehood, a young Mormon man was in love with his two prospective brides, Katherine and Edith, and wanted to marry them both.  However, he was not aware of the most recent revelation coming from the church in Salt Lake City when he brought his two fiancees to the local LDS church to be married to him.

He approached the minister of his church and asked him to perform the marriage ceremony.  The minister said that he couldn't perform the dual ceremony. And the young man asked the minister

"Why?"

The minister replied:

"Son, you should know that you can't have your Kate and Edith too."

Yes, this is a corny joke, but it illustrates the dilemma I now have.  On one date, I ended up in a very heavy petting session, where if we had been at either of our apartments, we'd have been going at it like rabbits.  On the other date, we were about to break up, as she found my Marian Mode personal ad and was upset at me - but wanted to stay friends. This would have solved my dilemma of having one too many girl friends.  However, we went back to her apartment, where I showed the physical connection that this woman was looking for. So we ended up chatting, and not breaking up after all

As I said, either woman would be a very good choice for me.  But I can't have them both - none of us are polyamorous. If my dad were alive, he'd tell me what I could do without providing me a solution to my problem. Sadly, I no longer have him to ask for advice.  And this is a time I really wish I could ask him for urgently needed advice.  How do I figure out which one is best for me?

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