Trekking into NYC and taking care of paperwork

 

I had one thing that I had to take care of today, and I can blame part of my failure to do so on my brother. Yet, today's focus is not on a minor screw up, but on visiting the neighborhood in which I used to work.

- - - - - - 

The plan for today was to trek into NYC to get an official copy of both my birth certificate and that of my deceased father.  I'd have no problem getting my own birth certificate.  But to get my dad's birth certificate, I would need an official copy of my dad's death certificate - which my brother was supposed to mail to me, but didn't.

So, around 11 am, I drove to Croton-Harmon railroad station, stopping first at a local deli. Instead of taking 5 minutes to get my usual sausage and egg sandwich, it took 15.  So I arrived at the train station with barely enough time to make the 11:48 train.  And when I say barely, I mean just that.  I was in the elevator with 3 minutes to go, and had just purchased my train ticket as the train came into the station.  Luckily, I was able to make it down the stairs and onto the train without rushing, as I'd have to wait another 30+ minutes for the next train.

Arriving at Grand Central, I noticed hot hot and humid it felt.  (I was glad that I had chosen to travel as Mario, as wearing a wig would have been too much to deal with today.)  30 minutes later, I was downtown and in front of NYC's bureau of vital records.  (I wish I had kept in the habit of walking at least 2 miles each day, as my legs were bothering me for the first mile I walked.) After checking to make sure I was at the right building, I killed time at the Starbucks across the street.

Once inside, it was bureaucracy in action.  First, one takes a number.  Next, one enters ALL the information needed to purchase a vital record, in my case a birth certificate. And then, you wait for your number to be called and to pay for your service.  While entering my data, I was told that my dad's birth certificate had to be ordered by mail AND that I needed my dad's death certificate.  AARGH!  I could have stayed comfortable and done everything by mail had my brother sent me the death certificate as promised.

- - - - - -

Once done with the bureau of vital records, I walked over to where I used to work (a much longer walk than I remembered) to get lunch at the Halal cart I used to regularly patronize.  Although there were 2 carts there now, I picked one that best resembled what I remembered from 10 years ago and ordered my old everyday order - a chicken and lamb combo with lots of white sauce and a touch of hot sauce.  But I now had a problem. Where could I sit down and eat?  So I decided to walk a couple of blocks and find a place to sit.  The only place I found with open seats was inside a playground for dogs.  This was perfect, as I had free entertainment provided by the dogs and their owner while I enjoyed my meal.

Soon, I was on my way back home, and I was back in my car around 5 pm.  Once at home, I fell asleep for an hour or so and then was ready to take care of some chores before calling it a day.  At least, I likely won't need to trek into NYC again for paperwork purposes anytime soon.

The older I get, the more I know when to get worried or not.

 

There is one big advantage to being young: The invincibility that one often feels propels us to take chances in life that older and wiser people might not take.  For example, when young, we often choose our mates on superficial characteristics.  For example: Is s/he good looking?  This question may have evolved as a way to determine the health characteristics of a person during the age that they are most fertile.  It also can reflect how high a status level a mate might have (especially in males), as both attractiveness and height can reflect both physical health and social position. 

But what questions should we ask as we get older?  What advantages do we have because we have successfully made it to old age?  This is where I feel that I have gotten better as I've gotten older.  Yes, my body is slowly breaking down as a normal part of aging.  But the memories and skills I've developed over those years have given me the insights to ask better questions when choosing a mate.

Lately, I've been thinking about how many big mistakes I've made in my life.  Some of these mistakes occurred because I didn't have enough knowledge to make wise decisions.  Others were made because I didn't have the skills to implement those wise decisions.  When I was young, I had low expectations - if the woman I dated accepted me and we didn't kill each other, then she was acceptable.  Can I say that I'd have married my late wife had I known what would happen in the future?  Maybe not.  But would she have chosen me had she known what would occur in our marriage?  Again, maybe not.  I could say similar things about other women I've dated.  But with RQS, both of us knew what we were getting early on in our relationship, and we have similar values with complimentary communication styles.  This makes having a healthy relationship possible, and we have yet to shout "Tastes Great!" or "Less Filling!" at each other..

Many men look for "a nurse and a purse" when they look for a woman in their senior years.  Women also look for the same, with emphasis on the purse due to inequality of wealth between the genders.  Neither of us wanted that.  We simply wanted companionship, with a little romance on the side.  RQS knew I was transgender from our second date, and I knew about her issues the day I met her.  We feel good when we're together, and I'm glad that she brings up issues for me to handle before they have the chance to fester and cause us problems.

I'm hoping that we'll be able to take advantage of the benefits of being old before the drawbacks cripple us and make it impossible for us to enjoy the rest of our lives.  After my mom died, my dad became less active over the years, and eventually not able to live on his own.  Neither RQS nor I want to have old age take away our abilities to live life without being in a care home.  The care home may be in our futures.  But until then, we will try to live as best we can.  (Albeit with me in dresses most of the time.)

- - - - - -

But what do I worry about?

Lately, I find myself worrying about the possibility that the United States will become a fundamentalist "Christian" autocracy led by a bombastic narcissistic grifter.  It's bad enough that this person is a cult leader.  Unfortunately, we have seen the mess he made of this country in his 4 years in power.  Now, he has had 4 years to learn how to cement his control over the country, I'm afraid of what he will do to anyone who is not a white, straight, christian, cisgender male.  As it stands GOP loyalists have turned the clock back to 1973.  I'm afraid that it will turn the clock back to 1925.  

If we examine the events that occurred to end the "Roaring Twenties", American society changed from being an optimistic, outward looking people to a pessimistic, inward looking people within a few years.  What will happen if the GOP gets full control of the country again?  Will they screw things up as they did in the 1920's?  Will America become more like Nazi Germany than the USA under the New Deal?  Who knows?  But this is what I worry about at night....

 

The handymen have arrived!

 

As I write this, the work on fixing my wall has started.  The sheet rock panel behind these tiles have been removed, and the studs and the sheet rock of the apartment adjacent to mine is now visible.  The work my brother did about 15 years ago finally failed, and the handyman gave me a simple explanation as to why it happened - we didn't mount the replacement sheet rock correctly.

- - - - - -

My brother has gone from having several dead-end jobs in his youth to being a lead financial comptroller in a multi $100mm corporation.  While raising a family, he bought a house needing a lot of TLC, and learned how to take care of all of its repairs himself - he couldn't afford any help to do most of the needed work.  Now, he's able to spend some coin to do the kind of repairs to his place that is not worth his effort to do himself.

Why do I mention this?

I give my brother a lot of credit for improving his life under a great amount of stress.  Now, he plays catch-up with his life, and I hope he's happy with the trade-offs he has had to make to get by.  I did not have to make the same trade-offs, as I was widowed almost 30 years ago, never had children, and didn't need to buy a house to "keep up with the Jones's."  Yet, at this stage of life, I wouldn't mind having some of what he has.  And he wouldn't mind having some of what I have.

It was a good thing that my dad got to see both my brother and I develop the skills to live life on our own without parental assistance.  A wise friend once said that a parent's job is to raise children so that the parent is no longer needed, but will always be wanted and always loved.  That's one thing my dad did well.

- - - - - -

One thing I learned from my dad is that some jobs simply need to be done, and others needed to be done well.  In the case of the bathroom tile wall, this time the job needed to be done well.  So I hired it out to a professional.  I could have done a crappy job myself, then need to do a bigger repair in a few years.  Instead, I spent some coin (which I am lucky to have) to do it right and to forget about it.  I hope my dad would be happy with how I make my decisions now, as I still think of what he might do had he been in my position in life.

Stone walls don't a prison make, nor iron bars a cage

As we age, we begin to see many of our friends enter assistive care facilities.  Sometimes, as in the case of XGFJ's mother, little assistance is needed to live a rewarding life.  In the case of my father, much more assistance was needed because my dad was no longer self ambulatory.  Like my father, some people prosper when in the right assistive care facility, as they can resume the socialization denied them by their former isolation.  But in the wrong facility, a social person can feel imprisoned.

When I visited Pat, I noticed how sterile and empty her new place seemed.  Save for the receptionist at the front desk, the place was devoid of people.  There was a small area to the right of the reception desk where kids could play, but I wondered - how many people are bringing very young kids to see their elders in nursing homes these days?  I rarely saw them when I visited my dad, and thought that this room was there more for show than anything else.

RQS and I walked to the elevator and got off on the 3rd floor. I was surprised at how quiet this place was.  Looking to my left, I saw another reception desk in front of us, this one being empty.  In another nursing home, or a hospital, it would be staffed by nurses in charge of patient care.  In this place, it looked like it was set up for a different kind of care facility, but left unused as it wasn't apparently needed to service the patients currently housed in this building. So, we walked down the aisle to Pat's room, knocked on the door, and were greeted warmly.

Pat and her daughter visited several care facilities before choosing this one.  It must have been heart wrenching for her to dispose of many of the things she accumulated over the years.  There was almost nothing from her old life present in the room.  The room was almost as sterile as the hall outside. And this said that this room was not "Home" for Pat.  It was simply a place to stay.

Unlike my dad's nursing home, Pat's place didn't seem to have the on-site services that my dad's place had.  For a place doing some of its business as a memory care center, I found it amazing how few safeguards were there to keep memory care patients from wandering off site.  People like Pat were tasked to find their own transportation to off-site doctors - and possibly get dropped off at the wrong sites with no one to help them get where they need to go.  Yet, they are prohibited from leaving the facility's grounds - even for a healthy walk.  Go figure.

The economics of nursing homes in the United States appalls me.  Like our prisons, many are places which have evolved to warehouse people who have no economic value to the larger society.  (I will not go into prison economics here, save that the "for profit" sector has very little incentive to treat inmates with the full respect that most humans deserve - something it has in common with nursing homes.)  As America ages, "for profit" nursing homes have sprung up, many with the goal of raking in as many Medicare dollars as is possible.  Service quality is not a major factor.  If it was, I'd see more evidence of "enrichment activities" than I did in Pat's facility.

Pat noted several things I won't mention here.  Let's say that one has to take what she said with a grain of salt - even if what she said rang true in my ears.  Without people to socialize with, Pat is now a lonely person with few ways of dealing with her feelings. In short, this place is a prison for her, a cage without bars.

 

Dealing with legal issues.

 

When my father died, my brother and I gained control of the family homestead.  We were lucky that my dad protected the house from claims from his creditors by giving the house to his 2 offspring, but retaining a life interest in the property.  In the years since my dad moved into the nursing home (and after he died), we have been trying to get around to seeing a lawyer to protect our interests in the property, so that it can be passed on to our heirs.

Recently, my brother and I finally got around to seeing the first of 2 lawyers to get proposals in how best to protect the property.  The first method we received is based on a constructive use of Trusts and an LLC (Limited Liability Corporation). We expect that the second law firm we visit will propose a similar approach.  Although my brother can set up a LLC (he does this quite often in his line of work), we agreed that if a LLC were to be set up for us, it should be done by external counsel.  This way, we won't be the ones to possibly screw things up if we have problems.

Admittedly, this is what people do when they have something valuable to protect and enough money to protect it.  I am very thankful that my parents raised us well, and that both of us have the resources and skills to provide for the rest of our lives. If anything, this is better than most gifts I could have received in life....

Torn between two desires

There's a part of me that enjoys going to work and getting a paycheck.  And there's another part of me that rebels against getting up at 6 am.  I don't know which side of me will win out.  But I will be relieved when I don't have to wake up at 6 am, but will need to find a part time gig to give me a reason to get up in the morning.

- - - - - -

The other day, I went to the doctor.  Then, he made his usual speech about me becoming more active and losing weight.  I mentioned that it is easier said than done, when the job I have sucks out almost all the energy I have to be active and that it screws up my natural eating patterns in a way that I actually end up eating more than I would have otherwise.  Further along in the discussion, he discussed a potential prescription change with me - and we put it off until my next visit.

I'm pretty sure that I would be in better shape (in many ways) if I no longer had this job.  But it's nice to have enough money coming in that I don't have to raid my savings.  Given the choice of having more time in my life vs. having enough money to avoid draining savings, I am finding it hard to make a definite decision.  I can easily go in either direction.

- - - - - -

I turn 66 1/2 in a little over 2 years.  Do I want to start collecting Social Security earlier than planned, and get a reduced benefit?  If so, I will lose money if I live as long a life as my father did.  Could I start draining my 401k?  I could do that, but I still want my money to grow and outlast me.  I can't say that would happen if I start regular withdrawals now.  These are the questions that many people of my age have to ask.  And there are no right answers, as we do not know how long we will live.  Nor, do we know how healthy we will be when we get to a certain age.

You'll note that I haven't mentioned anything about being transgender.  Until I go on hormones, it is a non issue in the multi-variable equation.  So I'll base my decisions on how long my father lived, and hope that this gives me a good idea of what I need to plan for in the future.

 

A year ago, things were so different.....

 

A year ago, things were very different than they are now.  For example, in the back of my mind I still had hope of getting together again with my ex girlfriend.  Today, I'd have to think long, hard, and carefully if that option were to present itself to me.  But that's the least of things I can mention today. My father was still alive, and I had no idea that he'd be one of the over 400,000 (and counting) Americans who'd die of the coronavirus over the next 12 months.

Both as individuals and as a culture, we would have to ask questions posed by a once popular song:

Can it be that it was all so simple then?
Or has time re-written every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me, would we?
Could we?

Most of us thought that the good times we experienced prior to 2020 would last forever.  As the virus taught us, they were only fleeting things.  

- - - - - -

I spent most of 2020 employed at the census as Marian.  Recently, I applied for and accepted a job, working as Marian again.  Although this would have been a job better suited for Mario, I figured that I wanted to see how I would do in private industry without the official protections of a government bureaucracy.  Is this the job I really wanted?  No.  But it will have to do when there are 75 people (or more, in many cases) applying for jobs in both public and private sectors.

If things had progressed as most of us had expected, most of us would have gone on our usual vacations, not really noticing what they did for us as people.  Now that we've been largely isolated from others for a year, many of us feel it's time to get out in the world again, even if we are taking big risks in doing so.  I look forward to taking my Hawaiian cruise when cruising opens up again.  But I will not give the cruise lines a penny more than I have to for their products.

Travel and work are not the only things affected by the pandemic. Our nation's political future was affected as well.  Many of us gave our former present better than an even chance of being reelected because of the then "booming" economy.  The pandemic put an end to that, as the then president made light of the virus when people were more concerned about their lives than whether they had jobs or not.  How many of you think that our current president could have won the election if things were as they were in 2019?  I certainly don't think he'd have had much of a chance, as people usually vote with their wallets.  This time, they voted as if their lives depended on their votes - which they did.

 

- - - - - - 

2021 looks like it will be a better year for many of us.  Hard-line Evangelical "Christians"  are no longer able to use the federal government as a tool to attack transgender people.  We are on target to see most Americans have access to a Coronavirus vaccine shot by some time this summer. And we will soon be able to resume outdoor socialization when Spring comes.  We will be entering a time where a "New Normal" is evolving, a period where growth starts anew for both individuals and for society as a whole.  I look forward to this future.

 

The other day, my telephone was like the switchboard at Grand Central Terminal

 

Recently, I had more people calling (or texting) me in one night than usually happens in a week. But then, it was perfectly understandable given the circumstances....

- - - - - -

Early in the day, my brother interrupted me while I was taking care of something important. He called me to let me know that a financial issue we've had closing out our dad's estate should be over soon - the bank is mailing out a check, and my brother will deposit it on arrival.  This means that, god willing, I should be able to afford to take my Hawaii cruise when cruising starts up again.  

Later in the day, Vicki called me to chat a little. I had just started to straighten out some of the mess in the apartment, and was interrupted.  A few seconds after Vicki hung up, my brother called again, just to shoot the breeze. I called my friend Vanessa to touch base on a course which required my help figuring out her problem with setting up an ad campaign on Google search, and she said that she'd call back shortly. So I took this time to chat with TCL. 

Once done with TCL, I received a message from a friend in Manhattan, and we "chatted" for a while before I was tired of texting.  So I bid her goodbye for the night. And almost immediately after wards, I received a text from a new acquaintance on Facebook, and we started to shoot the breeze.  Although she's talking with me as Mario, I know she'd be surprised to find out that I once frequented her store as Marian.  (That's something I will reveal at a future time.) While shooting the breeze, XGFJ texted me to chat a little.  She sent me a link for a store in her neck of the woods that opened a new location in Eastchester.  Applestone Meat is known for its 24x7 stores which use vending machines to dispense their products.  Although the meat is expensive, it is an excellent value if you like high quality beef.  By the time I was done with my new friend and my ex girlfriend, Vanessa called me back and we were both talking about her Google ad problems and catching up on what has been going on with our lives.

By the time midnight came along, I was fried.  This is one of those times I'm glad that I don't have to go to work in the morning.

Mid January Odds and Ends

 

 

Sometimes, I don't have much to say about any one topic, but I'm trying to keep my readers up to date on things with a post.  This is one of those posts....

- - - - - -

I've been having problems with my health insurance.  My membership number changed, and the paperwork to fix my problem has been taking longer than expected to be processed.  Today, I reached out to the company once more, and someone placed my issue on a high priority queue.  Hopefully, I'll have the bulk of the matter resolved by Monday, and the only thing left to do will be to connect the membership to a new email account AND to get things set up properly for my mail order medications.

- - - - - -

My brother and I are closing out accounts my dad had before he died.  They don't amount to much money, but they will provide us with much needed money for luxuries.  In my case, this money will help pay for a vacation or two.  In my brother's case, it will pay for a delayed trip to see my niece and her (to be) husband in London.  We had a minor problem with one of these accounts, as it got locked when my dad died. But we expect to have the money in our "grubby" little hands soon.

- - - - - -

I finally have my auto registration in hand.  There is only one more thing I need to do with it: replace the old sticker on my windshield with a new one.  Of course, I'll drive down to see my brother to see if he has the scraping tool needed to get the old sticker off the windshield - it's a perfect excuse to see him before driving over to see FH.

- - - - - -

My friend from my Thursday night gaming group has taken the plunge and is setting up her own online game night starting Wednesday evenings.  I think I'll have another something to look forward to while locked down inside, waiting out the pandemic.

- - - - - -

Next week, I'll be getting together with another of my friends who knows me only as Marian. It'll be nice to see her once again. But with the pandemic raging, this might be the last time I meet anyone other than FH, YGD, Vicki #1 , my brother and his wife for a while.  Of the people in my circle, I'm one of the few that is under 65 AND doesn't have a reason to be an early recipient of the coronavirus vaccine.

 

Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind?

 

 

Around this time last year, I was walking through New York City, not knowing how much my life was going to change within less than a few month's time.  If I had known what was about to happen in my life and in the world, I'd have blown a wad and taken a trip to Hawaii while it was still possible.  Sadly, too much has happened since then, and the world as we knew it is long gone....

- - - - - -

There are still some things I'd like to repair with my ex girlfriend.  Right now, I'm working on rebuilding some form of friendship and nothing more.  I won't say more, as there are limits to how close we could become based on what happened in 2020.

I wonder what my dad would be thinking had he known he was going to pass away in 2020.  Would he have blamed the lack of an adequate virus response on Trump?  Or, would he have accepted the man's bullshitting and believed the malarkey being put out by this man and his underlings?  I don't think he'd have thought about it too deeply, as my dad was a relatively simple, down to earth person.

Sometimes, I think about a former travel partner.  She was way too open with her feelings, and she often made bad decisions about people.  In many ways, I feel she was lonely and found that her pets became her way of dealing with many of those feelings.  (She spoiled her pets rotten.)  I see similar behaviors in TCL, but not to such pronounced extremes.  And I think that TCL's recent adoption of two cats a positive influence in her life.

Knowing that things would be over with my ex, I think I'd have become a regular at the church I irregularly attended.  No, I am never going to be a religious person.  Instead, it would have been more of a place to socialize now and then.  We all need social outlets, and I would have made sure to develop more of my own - even while dating the ex.

Should I totally forget about the ex?  What about the former cruise partner?

- - - - - -

As I write this entry, it's New Year's Eve.  There are things I want to accomplish this coming year, one of which is finding a new job.  That is a realistic resolution.  Getting out to exercise more (and losing weight) is another resolution, one that I plan to do more on this coming year. Improving both my wardrobes is important, as I want to look nice in either presentation. Finally, I'd like to find someone I can love (and be loved by in return).  FH will likely not be that person, and none of the other women I've been with so far meet my criteria for someone to be with in the long term. 

 

PS:  For those of you who care about The King - Today is Elvis's Birthday.

Soon, 2020 will be over.

I pass over the Bear Mountain Bridge several times each month. But when I looked at the above photo, I was reminded of how rarely I go to this tower to get a view of the Hudson River "from above".  This picture was taken over a decade ago, before things started to go sour in my life. And it also reminds me that there will be a time after the virus is long past.

Why do I mention this right now?

For most of us, 2020 has been a terrible year.  I lost my dad.  My niece has had to postpone her wedding 3 times, and friends have lost their jobs due to the virus.  And I am one of the "Lucky" ones.  My dad lived a full 92 years, my niece is living with her fiancee (having recovered from Covid-19), and my friends have been able to find work.  Others have had it much, much worse than me, my friends, and my family.

Things are starting to look up for us.  Initial deliveries of the Coronavirus vaccines are being scheduled, planning for mass inoculations is taking place, and the economy is recovering.  If we're lucky, by this time next year, 2020 will be a bad, but persistent memory.

- - - - - -

2020 was remarkable in many ways for me. It was the first year in a long while where I didn't have a girlfriend to curl up with in private. Yet, it allowed me to go to work as Marian for the better part of 10 months. During the year, I met new people, and was able to develop at least 1 new friendship.  No, this friendship may not be as deep as the ones I lost last year.  But it is a start for me.

Having worked at the census for the better part of 10 months as Marian, I feel confident that I will be able to find work again as Marian.  This may turn off some people.  But I don't care much about them. Unless I'm living with a woman who needs to see Mario most of the time, I'd like to be living as much of my life as Marian as possible.

2021, I hope, will be a year which I finally get my weight under control.  My goal is to be wearing size 18 clothes within the next 2 years.  Yes, I'll have to replace both of my wardrobes, but it will be worth it if I'm successful.  Additionally, I'd like to be in a new serious relationship by the end of next year. (I miss the touch of someone next to me in bed.) Hopefully, I'll finally be able to take a Hawaiian cruise, preferably as Marian.

 

.

Being Thankful

 

I'd like to wish all of my readers a Happy Thanksgiving!

This is one of the rare entries which goes out on (or close to) the actual date I refer to in the post.  Yet, it expresses much about how I feel lately.

Earlier this year, I lost my dad because of the pandemic.  Yet, I'm grateful that he was my dad, and that he had 92 years on this planet.  Life is way too short.  Yet, in the grand scheme of things, my dad lived a full life.  And, most importantly, he raised two children to adulthood and made sure that they had the grit to take care of themselves after he was gone.  For that, I am grateful.

My brother has turned himself into a person I respect very much.  Even though we are very different in style and personality, I'm grateful that we have a good relationship.  No, we wouldn't have chosen each other as friends, as we don't have much in common.  But he is a good man, and someone I'm glad to know.

I'm thankful that I recently had 10 months of work with the census bureau, as I was able to replenish my bank account for future use.  It's nice to know that I have money enough to afford another vacation when the pandemic restrictions are gone.

I could go on and on about things today.  However, right now, I am more interested in the Thanksgiving dinner I expect to have with someone who could become very special over time.

 

   !

A belated Merry Christmas!

As usual, the Christmas Holiday started for me the night before.  GFJ was away with her family, and I had an evening out as Marian.  And where does a T-Gal like me go when she wants to be with people on Christmas Eve?  Church, of course.

Christmas Eve would be the only chance I'd have to spend some time with people in Marian Mode, and I made sure to dress up nice for the evening.  So I made my face up, put on a little black dress, and out the door I went.  Arriving at the church about 30 minutes early, I decided to call my brother to figure out what we were going to do the next day. He told me that he'd call me back in the morning, as my sister in law just checked into rehab. (I can only imagine how much of a hit this is going to be to their savings.  She has a nasty habit of self destructing every time something good starts going on in my brother's life.)  So we disconnected for the evening, and I walked into the Church.

As I've mentioned before, this parish shares a priest and a deaconess with a sister parish a few miles away.  This parish gets the priest for Christmas Eve, and the other for Christmas Day.  It is an arrangement that is working for now.  But as parishioners die out (or move away), one church will likely be de-consecrated.  Given the location of this parish, the land is more valuable than the building as it is in a very convenient part of town.  Of course, I can also see the building being sold off to a growing congregation, most likely made up of Korean or Chinese immigrants.  (I've seen this happen with other churches in the lower Hudson Valley, so this wouldn't be a surprise.)  Luckily, the sister parish has more than enough room for the people from this church, and it is only a short drive away.

In my childhood, churches would be packed both on Christmas Eve and on Christmas Day.  Christmas Eve's attendance was between a third to a quarter of what the church could hold when fully packed.  Unlike my past visits, I decided to sit halfway to the front of the pews.  This time, I felt I had made a mistake, but not for anything to do with my acceptance as Marian.  When the service started, and the hymn singing began, the fellow behind me was singing in the most god awful off key voice I've ever heard.  It took away from my enjoyment of hearing the choir sing.  But I won't complain much.  The older gentleman behind me was continuing a tradition of communal participating in the singing of hymns.

While I'm on the topic of hymn singing, I have to mention something that made me feel good.  The service started with the choir singing "Silent Night" in German.  Although I grew up with the English language version of the song, this is one composition that sounds better in German.  (Sadly, there are way too many people who think that German can't sound just as silky smooth as a romance language.  This version of the song puts that misconception to rest.)  This choir is one of the reasons I enjoy going to this church.  They have a good music director, and bring back feelings of what church should have been like when I grew up.

Around 9:30, the service ended and I had a question to answer.  Do I go to a movie? Or, do I go to a diner and have a pre-Christmas dinner?  I chose the dinner.  By the time I was done, I had missed the last showing of the movie for the evening.  So I ended up going home for the night.

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Christmas came with no phone call from my brother.  So I had to call him to find out what we were doing for the day.  He said to come down, and we'll pick dad up from the nursing home, then we'll order some Chinese.  I had to joke with him about becoming an honorary Jew for the day, as many Jews have made it a tradition to go to Chinese restaurants on Christmas.  This allows them to eat out on Christmas Day, enjoying a cuisine which doesn't mix dairy and meat products.  (Of course, the idea of eating "Safe Treyf" also appeals to many.)  So I proceeded to get ready to go out while my brother made his trip to the nursing home to pick up my dad.

Leaving my place a little after 2:00, I arrived at my brother's place around 3:15.  The usual traffic jams didn't cause me any problems, as I was able to take side streets from the Clearview Expressway out to my brother's place.  As expected, my brother had Chinese takeout menus in hand for us to place our orders. A little later, we had a nice feast on food that was both too salty and too fatty while being too tasty to resist.  My brother wanted to show a video that he had saved on his phone. But we couldn't figure out how to cast screen images from the phone to the TV.  The closest we came was getting YouTube videos to display on his TV, and that bothered my brother.  He spent the next hour trying to get things to work with his phone and his TV to no avail.  By the time 7:00 came around, I was getting tired, and I needed the second cup of coffee to give me the energy to drive home safely.

On the way home, I chatted with GFJ, who had just dropped her mom off at her place. We agreed on when we'd meet tomorrow, but not the where.  Neither of us knew which movies were playing at the local theaters, and I said that I'd check things out and give her some choices that she could look at when she got home.

Keep your fingers crossed for me....

Sometimes, I'm stuck in the "wrong" presentation

Last night, my brother returned from England, and didn't text me to let me know he got in. He and his two adult children were doing a little sightseeing while visiting my niece's future in-laws.  I'm jealous of them.  But I'll eventually have the chance to visit my niece and her future husband in their new home.  So I have something to look forward to.  Until then, I'm just an afterthought for my brother and his family.  But more on that later....


Today is my dad's birthday.  That means I will need to be in my male presentation when I go to Long Island.  Because of this scheduling requirement, I was sure to schedule my annual physical for the same day, so that I wouldn't need to change from Marian to Mario. And this meant that I had to be ready to start my day early, then not know exactly when I'd be expected to be at my brother's place.

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The first thing I had to do was to go to the doctor.  And I arrived at his office at the same time as the doctor.  Since this was my yearly physical, he had a few more questions to ask of me, and suggested that I get my eyes checked and to schedule a colonoscopy.  Even though it is less than an hour after I left the office as I write this, I already forgot what I should be asking for with my eyes.  (I can ask the doc about that again when I see him in a month.)  But I'll have to see if the doc who performed my last colonoscopy is covered under my insurance and whether his assistant staff is also covered.  Otherwise, I will need to ask my internist for other recommendations of people who may be on my insurance plan.

When I got out of the doc's office, I got a call back after picking up breakfast - they forgot to ask for a urine sample.  So back to the office I went for 5 minutes, and then onto the house to rest.  Looking at the phone, my brother finally acknowledged my messages, telling me that he is back from England.  Unfortunately, he hadn't yet figured out what he plans to with my dad for his birthday.  So it meant that I would have to be ready for anything.  And I found out that my brother was going in to work today, then do something tomorrow.  As for me, I decided to drive to Long Island to see my dad in the daytime.

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It took me over 2 hours to reach my dad.  Traffic was much worse than usual, and I hit all the traffic jams that I could have expected and more.  But I made it there a little bit before my brother, and by 6 pm, we were on our way to the Japanese buffet to enjoy dinner.  Luckily, my sister in law did not join us, as she had a "meeting" to go to tonight. So the 4 of us felt free to each have a beer and to relax over a leisurely dinner.

Towards the end of the evening, my brother started showing photos of the family trip to England, and I started getting bored.  Yet, I didn't want the evening to end.  There are not that many family gatherings left in my dad's life, and I want to be there for as many as possible.

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Around 8:30-9:00 or so, we brought my dad back to the nursing home, and I started my drive back to my apartment. Shortly before I got home, GFJ returned my call and we chatted for a few minutes.  It appears that she will also be busy during the holiday season, so this will be the second straight holiday with us not being together.  Although I will make New Year's Eve open for her if she wants to be together, I have plans in mind if she were to make it a third holiday of being apart.  At that point, unless I am misinterpreting things, she will have sent a signal without saying anything definite....   Such is life.

The last month of the year tends to be the businest month for me.

December.  It's the best month to visit New York City, as all the store Christmas decorations are on display, and it's not too cold to enjoy walking around the neighborhoods.  But it's also the busiest time for people like me, as we use this period as an excuse to excessively schedule our time to meet as many people as possible.

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As most of my readers know, GFJ and I have broken our routines for the last 5 years.  Whether we will go back to where we once were is up to her.  All I can do is be available. Therein lies an interesting conundrum for me.  Given what happened about a month or so ago, I have started to book my weekends independent of her.

Since the beginning of September, our schedules have grown a little out of sync with each other.  I've had my cruise, she's had her vacation in Florida, she will be spending an upcoming weekend going to a baby shower and to see her son, and we will likely be apart for the holidays.  Do I want to invest time in her without assurance of a positive return?  It's a hard question for me to answer, as I'm afraid of opening up my heart again only to have it broken. 

Recently, she hinted that she wanted to get together on a specific weekday, and I said that I wasn't too sure of what I had going on.  This was true - I didn't bother to check my calendar. I knew that I had a couple of things to take care of, but I wasn't sure about having dinner. And I knew that both of us would be busy for the next two weeks, save for a weekend day when we were free from family duties.  So we had dinner together and another long talk.

Throughout the rest of the month, I expect that there will be even more conflicts in our schedules.  My brother is going to England soon, and will be there for two weeks.  Since I have to be in the NYC area for my Dad while my brother is away, there is no way I could accompany GFJ to see her son even if I were asked to go. The rest of December will be very busy, as my meetup groups and other gatherings are filling up most open days and evenings up to the end of the year.

Given where I am in life, the problem of being Marian vs. having Romance has reared its ugly head, and I have no clean solution that allows me complete happiness.  All I can do is muddle through, and look for a solution which provides a reasonable amount of happiness. I've been honest about the trade offs I am willing to make, and I hope that they are enough to maximize my potential return on romantic investment.

Thanksgiving - And nothing got in the way to mar it except traffic.

I'm not sure of what I can and should say about today.  Nothing bad happened.  But part of me would rather have stayed in Westchester and taken advantage of an invite I had to spend the day with my friends from Game Night.

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Not sleeping well last night, I set the alarms to get me moving around 11 - and slept through my favorite TV show of the day.  I prefer the fictional courtroom drama of Perry Mason to the real life political drama going on today.  There is a part of me that always wants to see justice done, and real life doesn't provide enough of that for my taste.  By the time I finally got out the door, it was 1 pm, and I was about an hour late.

My drive to Long Island was uneventful until I reached the Bronx.  From there, traffic slowed to a crawl, and I was forced to get on side streets to make it to the bridge.  Once I was across the bridge, I went back onto side streets again to make it to my brother's place, arriving there at 3 pm, when I was expected at 2.  This was not a problem, as my brother had already picked up my dad from the nursing home, and the turkey was almost cooked.

We chatted about many things, and brought my dad back to the nursing home around 8.  One area of discussion covered addiction, choice of mate, and how relationships flounder. And that gave me an opening to discuss my criteria for choosing my late wife, my issues with Ex-GF-M, and some of the issues GFJ and I are having with each other.  (By my mention of complacency in the relationship, I avoided the need to talk about my transgender nature.) He touched on similar issues he had with his wife.  And we both (at different times) brought up our problems with my niece to make sure that she knows when to cut and run from a dysfunctional relationship.

Eventually, it was time to go home. And I hit only one small traffic jam on the way home.  On the whole, it was a good day - especially, since my brother was able to open up to me and that I didn't have to see my sister in law as expected.  (Nothing against her, save that her presence would have gotten in the way of my chat with my brother.)

A weekend with GFJ away for a wedding

Friday, Saturday and Sunday.  Normally, I'd be figuring out what to do when GFJ arrives.  But she's away in North Carolina for a wedding, and I have the weekend free to be in Marian Mode.  YAY!  Now to figure out what to do.

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Looking at the picture above, I don't like what I see.  There is way too much meat on the bones, and I stand out by being a large person.  To be honest, I need to watch my weight, and that's going to become a priority for me.

Even though I was awakened around 9 am today, I didn't even bother getting out of the bed until the afternoon.  I was finally able to confirm that my weekend plans with LK and the former clinical supervisor were off - LK had to work the night before, and would be too exhausted to meet for brunch on Sunday.  This made me glad that I booked a meetup for Sunday.

Late in the evening, I got a call from GFJ.  Seems like she received an email from an ex-friend that should have been sent directly to me.  (I won't go into details here.)  I'll have to respond to it shortly, as it deals with a friendship that is over.  But it also means that I'll be switching over to a new blog with a new name.  (I will supply that name soon, when I make my last post here.)

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Saturday came and I had two things on my docket - Visiting my dad on Long Island, then going to my High School's 45th reunion.  Given the mood I was in from last night, I wasn't certain that I wanted to go anywhere.

The first thing I did was to start cleaning up the mess in my room from before I went on my ill fated cruise..  Clutter was to be found all over the bedroom, and it must be organized before the cleaning lady comes next week. One of the byproducts of this cleanup is that I was able to find some dress shoes I haven't worn in a few years - perfect for use in presenting as Mario tonight.

Around 3:30, I started getting ready to drive to Long Island for my high school's 45th anniversary reunion.  And I left the house at 4:30, hoping I'd be able to make it to Roslyn by 5:40, so I could see my dad in the nursing home.  This was not meant to be.  Instead, I hit big time bridge traffic, and ended up killing an hour on Long Island before going to the reunion.

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I arrived at the reunion at 7:00, and accompanied several women on the way into the place. When we were young, the place was known as "Henry's" - a step up from being a dive bar, where the beer was cheap, the pool table  $0.25/game, and the grill sometimes open for a burger.  Now that it's known as the "Old Trading Post", it has gone upscale, and the food is of a much better quality.  We were one of two groups being hosted, and the only one under a tent to the side of the restaurant.  Even outdoors, it was hard to have a conversation, and that was just as well.  It was better to be forced to have lighthearted conversations than anything serious. 

Like my 40th HS reunion, I didn't remember anyone, save the class advisor.  But others remembered me for my intelligence.  At least two or three people commented on how they remembered me in class, and it made me feel good that others saw that quality in me.  Along with my voice, that was the quality that the class advisor remembered most about me.  But I got a kick out of meeting my "Name Doppelganger" (both of us share the same name, both of us use the same "familiar" form of our first names in addition to sharing the same last name) - she surprised me by sneaking up behind me to say hello.  While there, I got into several good conversations, including one with a former classmate who may try to connect me with one of his friends who might be able to connect me to a job.

All too soon, the night had to end before the place became quiet.  When I got in my car, I messaged GFJ, and she was bushed from her party.  So we agreed to chat sometime on Sunday.

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My alarms were set to wake me up around 8:00 on Sunday, so that I had the option of going to church before going to the Chuang Yen Monastery.  However, the night before, I didn't go to sleep early enough, so I decided to rest as long as possible before getting ready to go to the monastery - and I rested a little too long.  Once I got moving, I was rushing at a breakneck speed to get ready, and almost abandoned my plans to drive North so I could go back to sleep.

As you might guess, I went to the monastery, and arrived about 500 feet behind the meetup group.  So I was running a little to catch up - and did so, as they reached the lunch hall.  Once caught up, I paid for my lunch (a purely vegan meal), and sat down with our crew.

After 45 minutes, it was time to go on our tour.  Some of us (including myself) made the mistake of first going to the meditation room instead of the main temple.  But a few minutes later, we realized our mistake and joined the rest of the group at the temple.  And the tour guide (the same lady who guided us last time) gave a different presentation on how Buddhism "works".  She was very interesting, and I wish I had been in a better position to see her when speaking due to the sun being behind her.

When the tour ended, I decided to drive to Carmel and see what was playing at the local theater.  Luckily, "Joker" was starting just as I arrived in town, so I didn't have to wait for the movie to start when I arrived.  However, I did have to wait on line, as the ticket counter was also the concession stand, and the folk at the registers were doing double duty - selling both tickets and popcorn at the same time.  (This slowed down things for people like me who just wanted to see the movie.)  But I was able to get into the movie just before the film started.

For those who haven't read any reviews about the movie, "Joker" is a retelling of the origin of the Joker character in Batman films.  It isn't a pure retelling, as they change the origin story to reflect a mentally deranged person going off the deep end and turning into Batman's worst enemy. This is a better origin story than the original one, and I hope they reboot the Batman series with the look and feel of this movie.

Eventually, I had to return home.  Once back at my desk, I did a minor edit to a last email being sent to FCP, then sent it out.  I don't think there is any hope for a rapprochement between the two of us.  But if there is, she'll have to make the next move.