I woke up earlier than I wanted, and was thinking of my recent past. When I was married, I worried about a big argument that would cause the relationship to break up. We never had that argument, and I don't think we had a solid marriage because the marriage never could be stress tested.
Why is my marriage of over 20 years ago important? Well, the flaw in that relationship provides information about the flaws that cause my most recent relationship to fail. Yes, being transgender was part of it. But never once did my ex decide to challenge me. She tried to accommodate me instead of advocating for her needs. We never argued until the relationship was over. In one part of the argument, she asked: "Did you want me to be bitchy?" Recently, as a result of a social skills seminar I attended, I realized that I wanted her to be more assertive in expressing her needs and wants. She could have had the limits on my outings as Marian if she had asked, but never once did she think she could ask this of me. She gave up on the relationship before even "fighting" for her needs in the relationship. Hopefully, she'll be more assertive in her next relationship.
There is a difference in what is needed between a friendship and a romantic relationship. In a friendship, one doesn't have to get as close as one does in a romantic relationship. This means one can go for years without an argument and still have a strong friendship. But in a romantic relationship, one has to be open enough to risk being hurt by one's love. Sometimes, that hurt will happen and both parties will need time to recover from the pain. And then, after the ensuing arguments (if lucky and skilled) be able to come back to each other, knowing that the other person can be trusted to be there for support when needed.
Given the difference between the two types of relationships, my ex was far from ready for a romantic relationship when she knew me - she wasn't a good advocate for her position in the relationship when under stress. She was ready for a friendship. And that's what I'd want if we could rebuild some bridges. Hopefully, she will understand this and trust that I wouldn't betray the friendship.
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Now that I've started to digest some of what's in my subconsciousness, let me shift to affairs of the day....
My day at work passed quickly with only one incident - I forgot my lunch at home. This meant that I had to spend an extra $20 to take care of delivery to the office. Before I started my drive, I contacted the folks at the firm holding my dad's IRA to find out what the delay is with my paperwork. Seems as if their office is closed due to Covid-19, and they are operating at half staff in remote mode. AARGH! I could use that extra money now.
As soon as I got home, I had to rush to have a bite to eat before the main part of our co-op board meeting started. It is one of those nights where a lot of things were said, and little was done. Too bad that I can't just bail and catch up on my social affairs. So I was stuck in the meeting until the end - almost 5 hours later. And that gave me just enough time to wind down before trying to get some shut eye....
