What difference a decade makes!

 

I have been traveling as Marian for about a decade and much has changed in my life.  For example, the woman who took this photo is no longer my friend.  My long term career in computing ended, I survived a couple of breakups, and a few people close to me passed away.  But the one thing I have gained is confidence. In this decade, I feel much more confident in my ability to blend in as a female. Often, people don't notice much, save for my size, when they meet me - until I let my guard down.  Over time, I have become more comfortable in telling people that I am transgender, and will do so if someone asks.

- - - - - -

However, I am not completely happy with my current situation.  Recently, I got my ears pierced so that I could wear a greater selection of earrings  But this may not be enough for me.  I have made a promise to RQS that I will keep - no significant body modifications while we are in a relationship.  I will trade progress on my path towards living as a female for the love of a caring woman.

But what can I do that this woman could accept?

Right now, I'm thinking of either getting hair transplants to deal with my male pattern alopecia. Maybe some partial facial feminization surgery after that. And then, I'd want to get my name changed so that my official id would have a picture of me with an androgynous hair style.  This way, people who need to do a casual inspection of my id wouldn't notice much if I were dressed as a male or female.  The big issue is what to do with my chest.  Do I want to deal with having breasts and risk a relationship?  If I were to go to that next step, I'd get "permission" from a partner, as she'd have to live with me and my new "rack".  This and more would be subjects for thought as I get older.

- - - - - -

This path of feminization has been a long one, and I wonder what the next decade will bring me....

 

I'm officially an old geezer - a short post

 

Sooner or later, I'll have to deal with getting old.  No, I'm not trying to avoid being seen as a 65 y/o woman.  Instead, I'll have to deal with long term care plans.  Given my age and health, long term care insurance will be very expensive.  But I will need to have some money held in reserve, so that I can be cared for in my final years.

With that being said, how does this T-Girl want to live?  Do I want to take the next step and get facial electrolysis, removing traces of beard as needed?  (I think so.)  But what about the steps after that?  Can I afford electrolysis on other areas of my body? (I'm not sure.) And further along this path (after losing a lot of weight), what about facial feminization surgery (FFS) on the lower part of my face?  I want my face to look as feminine as possible when out as Marian, but be masculine enough when out as Mario.  An androgynous face would be perfect for me - but I have to get to work on losing weight to do this.

I will always have most of the body shape of a male, even if I go on hormones.  But I have to consider RQS's wishes if I want romance - and I sure do.  Unlike most older women, I'm not in the mood to spend the rest of my life alone.  And I'm not about to risk what I have with RQS to have a future without someone to love....

I wish I had a picture of me without glasses.

NCL notified me that I had to check in for my cruise.  Although I was ready and willing to do so, I did not have a picture of me available that was suitable - all of the shots I've saved on this computer in female presentation have me wearing glasses.  So I will need to wait until the next time I'm dressed as Marian before I can take a photo of me without glasses.

Getting all the paperwork in order before a trip is a pain in the ass.  This time, I have to take care of airline check-in procedures in addition to cruise line check-in procedures. Although taking care of things isn't that difficult, more can go wrong and cause me trouble when at the airport or in Hawaii.  So I want to be sure that I have gotten things right before leaving home to go on my cruise.

Right now, I have started to arrange both my carry-on bag and my toiletry kit for my outbound travel. Even though I may not need to take off my shoes or pull out my electronics and liquids (I have trusted traveler status), I still have to follow the rules for passing through a security checkpoint.  In short, I have to be prepared for the random "SSSS" printed on the bottom of my boarding pass, whether or not I am actually subject to special screening. And then, I have to wait to get on the plane. Once I'm finally on the plane, I must be ready to be uncomfortable for the next 12 hours.  I'm lucky that I paid for confirmed seats on the aisle, as I may have a little more room to stretch out now and then. And I won't be disturbing anyone as I get out of my seat to go to the loo.   

When I last contacted Kim (Traveling Transgender), she didn't have much advice for me.  So I will likely need to talk to the TSA agent before going through the security checkpoint and ask for appropriate screening.  After I have successfully done this once, I expect I will have little trouble on the return trip.  (I'll be sure to keep emergency information on hand, lest I get stuck at the airport.)  This will be a new experience for me - Flying Pretty.  Kim has done this many times, and has written about it in her blog.  Sadly, she doesn't write much anymore, as her job now keeps her "down on the farm" much more now than in the past.

If I felt it were right for me at this time, I'd do several things.  First, I'd change my name to use the familiar version of my first name (works for both genders).  Then, I'd get partial FFS (Facial Feminization Surgery) to make my face androgynous. And finally, I'd get some electrolysis done to remove my beard, and to eliminate the hairs on my back that I can't shave off by myself.  (If I had the time and money, I'd remove all the hair below the neck, save maybe my pubic hair.  But that's an expensive proposition.)  With these changes, I could get a wig styled in a way that I could go out as a female one day, and then use another wig (a toupee) for use when I want to present as a male.  Then, I could present my ID, and people would be looking at my face, and not the gender marker on the ID.

Compared to many other transgender folk, I still have it good.  I've found that most people don't give a damn about how ugly a female I am, or how fat a male I am when I present in the associated gender.  I have a girlfriend who says she loves me, and I will do what it takes to preserve the relationship - even if I slow down my journey on this transgender path....

 

Am I dreaming? If so, don't wake me.

 

Lately, I've been writing about the mundane things in life.  After a transgender person gets the courage to go out and about in the world, one's day to day experiences return to being just everyday experiences. Some of these experiences are social, and others are related to the configuration of one's body.  Once these experiences have become common enough, one doesn't think about them much.

Although RQS thinks of me as her boyfriend who likes to dress funny (and I'm comfortable with being this way), she also sees me as someone that she can share typical "girly" experiences with - such as going for a mani-pedi.  After getting used to seeing me present as a female, she has gotten very comfortable with me this way and will occasionally show me subtle public displays of affection.

RQS wants me to keep my male body configuration, and only use prosthetics to create my feminine body shape.  (She doesn't mind me getting electrolysis to remove my facial and body hair.  It's going the next step that bothers her.)  And I can live with that to have a good romantic relationship.  So far, things are going much better than expected.  RQS has suggested that the two of us get made up by a professional, then dress to the nines, and go out somewhere fancy.  This will not happen until after we get back from our cruise.  

Could this be a dream?  If so, I don't want to wake up.

A quick thought on gender presentation

 

The more I go out as Marian, the more I want to wear clothes that identify me as female.  The above dress is something I saw on Target's site that I like.  However, I will likely not buy this dress, as my closet is already overflowing.

Unlike many women, I enjoy wearing dresses all year round.  Yes, I know that cisgender women do not like wearing dresses in the winter, so I switch to shirts/blouses/sweaters and trousers for the cold weather. As I've said before, my goal is to blend in with women as a woman as best as possible.  So far, I do so more often than not, as evidenced by a recent incident where a woman changed her top in front of me.  If she thought I was a guy in a dress, she'd have waited until the bathroom was free to do so.

Over time, I am hoping that I am able to perfect my female presentation, so that most cisgender women would never think that I was anything but a cisgender woman.  However, I want to retain my ability to present as a male when I need to - such as in affairs of romance.  Ideally, I'd have an androgynous body, and be able to switch between modes as I see fit.  Until then, I'll do what I can to perfect who I am in Marian Mode....

Getting Old

 

Very soon I will turn 65 and be eligible for Medicare.  It's amazing how quickly time passes.  It seems like yesterday that I was trying to skip out of school and do things I enjoy more.  With the exception that I now want to skip work, it still seems the same to me - there is never enough time, money, or energy to do all the things one wants to do.

In the past, I wouldn't think twice of taking on a strenuous task.  For example, it took the efforts of 3 men (including me) to get my entertainment center up my staircase.  Today, I realize that I will either smash the thing to bits to get it out of my apartment, or that someone will hire some strong men to get it out of my place.  I will not risk my health to get this piece of oversized furniture out of my apartment.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that I should start seriously thinking of getting old.  How far do I want to continue along my path towards femininity?  Romance will limit my progress on that path.  And this might be OK, as there are few old age homes that specialize in the needs of the LGBT community.

Do I fear getting old?  No.  But I fear getting decrepit.  As a result, I will be walking a lot as the weather gets warmer.  Keep your fingers crossed for me....

Cleaning up the mess

 

If you think this mess in my bedroom is bad, you should have seen my living room!  But after 2 1/2 years of losing my 2 best friends, and 2 years of pandemic, there's a lot of mess to clean up in my life.  Getting my transgender identity in order is only part of that cleanup.

- - - - - -

Something I now say to any woman I want to get serious with is both that I enjoy dressing in women's clothes and that I go to work as a woman.  I play down the transgender part of my identity, as I am more than willing to live my life in both masculine and feminine roles in order to have a healthy romance.  Although it has cost me a relationship or two, I have found over the years that some women are open minded enough to take a chance with me.

A while back, FL gave me some advice, to not focus on what I would rather have been born as, but to focus on my wardrobe simply as a kink I enjoy.  And I've taken this advice.  Right now, RQS remains curious and unafraid of her possible feelings.  That's a good thing.  Unlike FL, we have progressed tolerably slowly, but steadily.  She knows what she's getting in me, and she knows the risks of a relationship with me.  That's a good thing.

As I gradually clean up the mess in my apartment, I'm gradually cleaning up the mess in my life.  I no longer think of what I lost over the past 2 1/2 years on a daily basis.  Instead, it comes up when I feel a little lonely, and have nothing better to distract me.  Cleaning up my place has taken on a new urgency, as I want RQS to visit my place for a change.  I hope that she doesn't get shocked when she sees how I live....

Sometimes, I think about what I lost and gained.

 

I haven't played with the above toy in ages, and I don't want to spend the money on a monthly subscription.  Yet, if I were an artist, I'd subscribe in a heartbeat.  And with what I did on this run, I have an idea of what I want if I go for Facial Feminization Surgery sometime in the future.

Why do I bring this up now?

After seeing Amy Schneider on Jeopardy, I can imagine myself living 24x7 as a female.  Yet, I have no need to do so. This group of pictures simply reminds me of the options available to me if I really desire them.

- - - - - -

But thinking of what could be also got me into thinking of what I gained and lost over the years.  For example, I gained and lost FCP's friendship.  She was very helpful in allowing me to grow as Marian. But she would likely have held me back from further growth.  I was lucky to stumble into a technology career that kept me well employed for 40 years.  Yet, losing this career due to obsolescence may have been one of the better things to happen to me.  It gave me the time and freedom to develop that part of myself that is Marian.  And even being married, then widowed, taught me that I could love and be loved - something I never would have dreamed of when I was young.

When I was young, I had all the options in the world.  Now, I'm playing out my cards.  With this being said, I appreciate what I have even more than I once did, because of what I've gained and lost through life's experiences.

- - - - - -

One of the transgender people I've met took advantage of her remaining male assets well into her transition - at least, until she had her bottom surgery.  To me, if one has enough gender dysphoria to need full transition, one should be very comfortable living with all the sacrifices one makes to have that transition.  Everyone has to make tradeoffs, and that transgender woman realized what she was losing in order to gain a life as a functioning woman.  I have to give her a lot of credit, as she had vocal surgery in addition to bottom surgery to be the woman she now sees in the mirror.  Another transgender woman has gone in the opposite direction, deciding to keep her "equipment", as she doesn't want to give up the ability to enjoy an orgasm.  These two women are playing out their cards the best way they can, and I wish them the best lives they can lead.

Looking at myself, I have lost potentially good relationships because of who and what I am.  Some of these women had no idea of what they really wanted when meeting me, and stayed around for much longer than they should have done if they had their acts together.  Yet, with romance out of the way, I have developed a better relationship with a couple of women, than had we clicked romantically.  Go figure....

- - - - - -

Life is a matter of tradeoffs, and we all make them.  We gain a lot, and lose a lot from these tradeoffs. I'm hoping that the choices I will be making in the future give me more gains than losses....

I just have no energy anymore

 

I have so many things to take care of these days, but I have no energy to do them.  I wonder if it is my not getting enough sleep, or something else.

- - - - - -

Throughout the day, I was doing whatever I could to stay awake.  I was finding that my body wasn't liking the routine of sitting at my workstation for hours at a time.  So, 4:30 didn't come quick enough for me (and the rest of the people at the office). But I was still tired after I got home, and ended up napping a little after cooking a couple of hamburgers for dinner.

While this was going on, I was supposed to call CWS to chat and figure out when the next time was that we could get together.  That didn't happen.  Additionally, FH was pestering about getting together.  She hadn't seen me in a while, and I think she was trying to get a ride for some shopping she wanted to do.  (After making noises a couple of weeks ago about the Omicron variant making NYC too dangerous to visit, she wanted to walk around a mall on Long Island.)  I mentioned Omicron, and suggested just dinner somewhere, or meeting next week.  And she countered with a grocery shopping expedition at Trader Joe's.  She was a little upset that I didn't jump at seeing her, but I needed a day to myself to recharge - and that was my plan for the first day of a weekend.

Dealing with women was not the only thing I had to do.  I still need to call NCL in regard to missing Latitude Point credits.  I still want to contact a woman from OK Cupid who is not a match for me, but who could be a great friend.  (We've chatted before, but cultural issues would make romance impossible.)  Then, I still have tickets to a Darlene Love concert to buy.  None of the many things I wanted to accomplish after work got done.  And I have to deal with Laundry tomorrow.  AARGH!

- - - - - -

Although I can easily switch between Mario and Marian modes these days, I often wish I could stay in Marian mode longer than I do.  But then, I'd never be able to date.  I'm willing to make this compromise in order to have a chance at romance. And, I'm just as willing to split my time in each mode, so that I can have romance.  

The big question is: How much energy do I have left in life?

I woke up early with a strange thought about the recent past

 

I woke up earlier than I wanted, and was thinking of my recent past.  When I was married, I worried about a big argument that would cause the relationship to break up.  We never had that argument, and I don't think we had a solid marriage because the marriage never could be stress tested.

Why is my marriage of over 20 years ago important?  Well, the flaw in that relationship provides information about the flaws that cause my most recent relationship to fail.  Yes, being transgender was part of it. But never once did my ex decide to challenge me.  She tried to accommodate me instead of advocating for her needs.  We never argued until the relationship was over.  In one part of the argument, she asked: "Did you want me to be bitchy?"  Recently, as a result of a social skills seminar I attended, I realized that I wanted her to be more assertive in expressing her needs and wants.  She could have had the limits on my outings as Marian if she had asked, but never once did she think she could ask this of me.  She gave up on the relationship before even "fighting" for her needs in the relationship.  Hopefully, she'll be more assertive in her next relationship.

There is a difference in what is needed between a friendship and a romantic relationship.  In a friendship, one doesn't have to get as close as one does in a romantic relationship.  This means one can go for years without an argument and still have a strong friendship.  But in a romantic relationship, one has to be open enough to risk being hurt by one's love. Sometimes, that hurt will happen and both parties will need time to recover from the pain.  And then, after the ensuing arguments (if lucky and skilled) be able to come back to each other, knowing that the other person can be trusted to be there for support when needed.

Given the difference between the two types of relationships, my ex was far from ready for a romantic relationship when she knew me - she wasn't a good advocate for her position in the relationship when under stress.  She was ready for a friendship.  And that's what I'd want if we could rebuild some bridges. Hopefully, she will understand this and trust that I wouldn't betray the friendship.

- - - - - -

Now that I've started to digest some of what's in my subconsciousness, let me shift to affairs of the day....

My day at work passed quickly with only one incident - I forgot my lunch at home.  This meant that I had to spend an extra $20 to take care of delivery to the office.  Before I started my drive, I contacted the folks at the firm holding my dad's IRA to find out what the delay is with my paperwork.  Seems as if their office is closed due to Covid-19, and they are operating at half staff in remote mode.  AARGH!  I could use that extra money now.

As soon as I got home, I had to rush to have a bite to eat before the main part of our co-op board meeting started.  It is one of those nights where a lot of things were said, and little was done.  Too bad that I can't just bail and catch up on my social affairs.  So I was stuck in the meeting until the end - almost 5 hours later.  And that gave me just enough time to wind down before trying to get some shut eye....

 

 

 

 

 

A thought about a past love

 

 

I was going through my library of photos a while back. When I stumbled across this picture, I decided to scan it.  This was an act of providence, as I now have no idea where this picture was hidden by my pooka. 

The above picture of CSN was taken over 40 years ago, and it reflects an image of a woman I once loved when she was in her youth.  We were never meant to be together.  She wanted a man who could climb the corporate ladder to the top, and I wanted to climb to the top of the technology ladder.  Yet, I was poorly placed to achieve my dream, and I had no mentor to help guide me to where I wanted to go.  In short, youth did not give me the lens to understand the path in life I'd take, and I may have ignored any advice I might have received if any had been given.  This woman may have achieved more in her life. But, given what little I have found out over the years, I'm not sure if she led a happy life.

Why do I bring up this woman?  Well, our romance was one of those whirlwind things that started up quickly, and ended just as quickly.  It was zero to sixty in 3 seconds, then sixty to zero in another 3 seconds.  We had chemistry, but I was wise enough to realize that a relationship between people like us would be a train wreck.  But I digress....

The two of us were madly in love, and we had started to shop for places to live.  One day, I stayed overnight, but brought nothing to wear the next day.  This wouldn't be a problem most of the time, but she wanted to present an image - so she handed me one of her sweaters to present a new image for the day, and out the door we went.  Little did she know that this would be the first time I'd venture out in any woman's garment in public.  (Yes, I know that sweaters can be unisex, but that's not the point here.)  I wonder what she would think about me now, if she knew that I look better as a fat female than I do as a fat male. 

Occasionally, I do a Google search to see if any new information has popped up on the web about her.  In the past, I found that she sold fruit at a weekly farmer's market held at a church in Putnam county.  I also found that she once owned a small farm in Northern Dutchess county. But through it all, she has cobbled together some money teaching economics at colleges through the New York City area.  Given what I remember of her these reviews of her class fits the model of her style I have in my mind: 

Quality

1.0

Difficulty

4.0

ECO202

😖awful

Sep 22nd, 2020

For Credit: Yes

Attendance: Mandatory

Would Take Again: No

Textbook: Yes

Online Class: Yes

I cant believe how unclear all her instructions are. Just started taking her course at DCC online during Covid. Her grammar is terrible. Even on quizzes I cannot understand sentences or questions. Directions are usually a small sentence that gives no structure, then she gives a bad grade on the assignment when it doesnt meet her standards. 2/10

Get ready to read

0

0

Quality

1.0

Difficulty

4.0

ECON102

😖awful

May 15th, 2020

Attendance: Mandatory

Would Take Again: No

Textbook: No

She's an awful professor. I didn't even sign up for her class but got put in it because of COVID. I couldn't understand a word she said and her slides were so unhelpful. None of her grading criteria made sense to me and she didn't post the homework, only that it was due. I would never take this person's class again even if it meant I can't graduate.

Graded by few things

0

0

Quality

1.0

Difficulty

4.0

ECON101

😖awful

Nov 27th, 2019

For Credit: Yes

Would Take Again: No

Textbook: No

Mumbles when she speaks. I promise you won't learn one thing from this class, and she has a sleepy time voice!! Very boring.

Lecture heavy

0

0

 

Quality

1.0

Difficulty

5.0

ECON101

😖awful

Oct 20th, 2016

For Credit: Yes

Attendance: Mandatory

Would Take Again: No

Textbook: No

Absolutely horrible teacher, she mumbles and you can barely understand her, doesn't thoroughly explain anything, she loses your work and your grades regularly. She plays movies and falls asleep in the middle of class. Highly recommend you stay very far away from her class.

Tough Grader LOTS OF HOMEWORK/TEST HEAVY

3

0

Yes, a person who doesn't communicate well will likely also have train wreck romances.  In my case, I found this person to be "full of herself."  I can easily believe that she falls asleep during class, as I'd bet she feels that that teaching Economics 101 is beneath her, because she feels that she should have a tenured position as a prestigious university. Yet, there is a part of me that would get a kick out of auditing her course in person after the pandemic ends, just to see what she has become since we were in contact.  Would she even recognize me after the decades?  Would the similarity of my male and female names trigger a memory for her? I doubt it....

 

 

 

 

The snow still is on the ground, and they still are moving it out of the way.

 

I wish I had captured a shot of the front loader lifting the snow into this pile.  And this was the shorter of the piles flanking my building. The pile on the other side must be another 3 feet higher than this pile.

- - - - - -

The first thing on the docket for the day was a visit to my doctor.  However, they weren't plowed out yet, and they weren't having people to come to the office.  So today's appointment was rescheduled for tomorrow, and it will require that I get up an hour earlier than usual.  At least, I won't have to spend the extra time getting made up as Marian to see him.  (He only knows me in my masculine presentation.)  

Again, I had to move my car for the driveway/parking lot to be cleaned.  So I again had to go out and take a drive.  This time, I was able to pick up breakfast at a local deli, and see some more freshly fallen snow before going home.

- - - - - -

Today, I sent the last of my paperwork to a potential employer.  However, I am still looking for interesting work, in a place where I'd get benefits for working full time.  Since I'm not working at this place yet, I figure that it would be best if I don't mention what I'd be doing on the job until I have started doing it.  However, if I do start this job as scheduled, my dentist appointments will be at the end of the day, and they will be (out of necessity) in female mode for scheduling purposes.  Luckily, he has already seen me this way, so it shouldn't be a problem.

It'll be strange working as Marian again.  The more I'm out in the world, the more natural I am in my feminine presentation.  Eventually, I'll have to answer a big question - do I want to give up being male forever?  (I'd keep my male identity to be with the right romantic partner - having someone who loves me is more important than being Marian 24x7.  But if she isn't in my life, there is little reason for me not to press forward on this path.)

 

All I want for Christmas

 

I have to be realistic about romance and me.  I'm a failure at love.  You could blame it on my bi-gendered nature.  You could explain it away from attachment issues from childhood.  You could just say that I'm selfish.  No matter what is the root cause, I've loved and lost way too often.

Fortune granted me 11 years with my late wife.  She was no saint, but I would like to think that she could have accepted me for who and what I am now.  However, could I have accepted what she was while becoming a more mature adult?  I'm not sure.  Over the years since then, I've dated a string of women - with no long term success.  Most recently, I was in a relationship for 5 years, and failed at that as well - in part, because of who and what I am.

My Christmas wish is simple - to find a lasting love, and to be able to show her I really care.  What is your Christmas wish?

Even when things go wonderfully right, they go wrong

 

Over the past few weeks, I've been trying to compose a letter I want to send to someone who once was special to me.  Inside this letter, I mention something important - if we ended a romance when we should have, I'd be asking my closest friend for important advice instead of feeling sad about a friendship that ended poorly.

Why do I mention this?

This weekend, I had dates with two ladies. Both of them are interested in me. Both would be good choices for me.  Both know about me in my masculine and feminine presentations.  And I was reminded of this joke:

Shortly after Utah statehood, a young Mormon man was in love with his two prospective brides, Katherine and Edith, and wanted to marry them both.  However, he was not aware of the most recent revelation coming from the church in Salt Lake City when he brought his two fiancees to the local LDS church to be married to him.

He approached the minister of his church and asked him to perform the marriage ceremony.  The minister said that he couldn't perform the dual ceremony. And the young man asked the minister

"Why?"

The minister replied:

"Son, you should know that you can't have your Kate and Edith too."

Yes, this is a corny joke, but it illustrates the dilemma I now have.  On one date, I ended up in a very heavy petting session, where if we had been at either of our apartments, we'd have been going at it like rabbits.  On the other date, we were about to break up, as she found my Marian Mode personal ad and was upset at me - but wanted to stay friends. This would have solved my dilemma of having one too many girl friends.  However, we went back to her apartment, where I showed the physical connection that this woman was looking for. So we ended up chatting, and not breaking up after all

As I said, either woman would be a very good choice for me.  But I can't have them both - none of us are polyamorous. If my dad were alive, he'd tell me what I could do without providing me a solution to my problem. Sadly, I no longer have him to ask for advice.  And this is a time I really wish I could ask him for urgently needed advice.  How do I figure out which one is best for me?

.

Thoughts related to several conversations I've had over the past few days

I've documented issues related to the loss of a friendship, the breakup of another, and thought's I've had about things in general.  Yet, I've never tied everything together for general consumption.  This is my attempt to put things into perspective.

- - - - - -

I've been dating GFJ for a little over 5 years. And we have hit some problems in our relationship. Since I'm writing this entry before Thanksgiving, I am making the assumption that both of us will be with our own families during holiday season. (This is now true.)  I'd have been happy to have had the same kind of relationship that Vicki #1's dad had with his girlfriend - two people in love with each other, but not sharing a common living space.  Each of us would have had the freedom to live our lives as we see fit, but would have had the knowledge that each of us would be there for the other.  I do not know where this will end up, nor do I know if this situation is permanent.  But I do think that we were better off with each other being in our lives, and I think that separating on a good note leaves us many more options than I have with my former cruise partner.

- - - - - -

To check whether I was going nuts or not, I described the situation with my former cruise partner to several of my other friends.  Several of these friends would have liked to see me find a way to patch things up with her, as she was a close friend for several years. However, other friends noted that this woman's actions were abnormally controlling, even though they could be viewed as simple caring from another perspective.

I react very poorly to being controlled by others, and I would push anyone away who'd try to do this to me.  I guess this goes back to childhood, when my mother didn't respect that other people (especially her children) had opinions that differed significantly from hers.  I can still remember being on the phone with a friend, saying that the fancy service at one Chinese restaurant we went to was a little off putting to me.  My mom got very upset at this, as my opinion was very different from hers, and started an argument which resulted in my dad telling her off for one of the few times that I remember him doing so.  Incidents like this created a situation where neither my brother nor I have any pleasant memories of her.  Nor do either of us miss her, almost 20 years after her death.

My former cruise partner is a control freak, but this never got to me until a series of incidents on our last cruise together (documented in my previous blog).  Describing these incidents in detail to my friends, the one I consider my main reality check told me that she was now very glad that she never met my cruise partner.  The little incidents would have been driven her nuts!  Then, this friend said that she understood why I severed contact the way I did - the relationship could no longer nourish me the way it once did, and I didn't want to cause either of us any more pain.

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I also related these events to HWV (in passing) when we went out for dinner the other night. She and HWJ started asking me about romance and my transgender nature - intimate questions that I have no problems answering, when asked by people I've gotten to know a little.  It's amazing how little the average person knows about gender dysphoria, gender presentation, gender identification, and gender preference.  For most Cisgender people, it's way too easy to take many things for granted.

This was an educational conversation, as much for me as it was for them, as I was in the proper setting to talk about things.  Could I have talked this way with GFJ?  Probably not.  This is the kind of conversation which would have her walking away to give me more space to live as Marian - even when I gladly make the trade-off to share my life with someone I love.  (Thankfully, my dysphoria is very mild, as it allows me to live in both genders as needed.)  In a way, I am very envious of one of my Facebook friends I met at Fantasia Fair. She has a healthy relationship with her wife, a relationship which would only break up if she decides to transition completely, both socially and medically.

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Now we get to my recent conversation with Pat.  As I've mentioned, she's an idealist who thinks she is a realist.  She's a person who believes in leftist conspiracy theories, and will only accept the idea of impossibly large changes without plans, and not the incremental changes that realists like me promote.  There are serious problems with the world right now, climate change being one of them.  Although I believe in climate change/global warming, I still consider it an incompletely proven theory - the same way Einstein's theory became useful, even if not proven completely.  Pat is the type of person who will get involved in every Liberal cause, including Black Lives Matter, and then think she is "Woke".  Often, she doesn't have much of a clue about what is really going on, as she seems to always be looking for her Lefty Gold Medal to be pinned on her chest.  This will never happen, as she has no clue about how to affect any change, because she doesn't know how to convince people that change is needed.

Years ago, I learned that politics is a skill of making possible things happen, and knowing what things are possible and what things are not.  To break down the idea of "Separate but Equal" in the courts, many smaller cases had to be brought before the Supreme Court, building up a foundation to overturn prior court rulings.  Pat has no clue about this technique, and would have blown it by putting everything together in a single court case - and then losing it.  Society needs time to process major changes, it needs a plan to implement those changes, and it needs time to sell those changes to a large enough population who will support it.  Pat would destroy the world we live in with her ideals, as she would not pay enough attention to the details or planning needed to get any meaningful changes done.

With all of this, Pat understands why I severed contact with my former cruise partner.  I've grown enough to live without an important crutch in my life.  Yet, she doesn't understand that my growth also allows me to see her for what she is, and accept her as such.  At the age of 78, I doubt that she ever will grow any further - her mind is set in its ways, she distrusts everything the world has been built on, and she can provide no meaningful or effective steps that will make this world a better place.  All she can do is tilt at her windmills and bask in her "wokeness".

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As with everything I write about, it all comes back to me.  Years ago, I searched for any romantic interest that would have me for a partner.  I settled for my wife, a good woman, someone who deserved someone better than me.  It took me years after I lost her to cancer to then be able to appreciate a good woman when she came into my life.  And yet, I wasn't able to read GFJ's mind and give her the relationship security she needed. (No, there is no way I could have read her mind.  But this is a problem with many relationships - not enough quality communication.)  Whatever happens with GFJ and I, I feel I have learned something I might be able to bring into another relationship (if I ever decide to pursue one again.)

The last month of the year tends to be the businest month for me.

December.  It's the best month to visit New York City, as all the store Christmas decorations are on display, and it's not too cold to enjoy walking around the neighborhoods.  But it's also the busiest time for people like me, as we use this period as an excuse to excessively schedule our time to meet as many people as possible.

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As most of my readers know, GFJ and I have broken our routines for the last 5 years.  Whether we will go back to where we once were is up to her.  All I can do is be available. Therein lies an interesting conundrum for me.  Given what happened about a month or so ago, I have started to book my weekends independent of her.

Since the beginning of September, our schedules have grown a little out of sync with each other.  I've had my cruise, she's had her vacation in Florida, she will be spending an upcoming weekend going to a baby shower and to see her son, and we will likely be apart for the holidays.  Do I want to invest time in her without assurance of a positive return?  It's a hard question for me to answer, as I'm afraid of opening up my heart again only to have it broken. 

Recently, she hinted that she wanted to get together on a specific weekday, and I said that I wasn't too sure of what I had going on.  This was true - I didn't bother to check my calendar. I knew that I had a couple of things to take care of, but I wasn't sure about having dinner. And I knew that both of us would be busy for the next two weeks, save for a weekend day when we were free from family duties.  So we had dinner together and another long talk.

Throughout the rest of the month, I expect that there will be even more conflicts in our schedules.  My brother is going to England soon, and will be there for two weeks.  Since I have to be in the NYC area for my Dad while my brother is away, there is no way I could accompany GFJ to see her son even if I were asked to go. The rest of December will be very busy, as my meetup groups and other gatherings are filling up most open days and evenings up to the end of the year.

Given where I am in life, the problem of being Marian vs. having Romance has reared its ugly head, and I have no clean solution that allows me complete happiness.  All I can do is muddle through, and look for a solution which provides a reasonable amount of happiness. I've been honest about the trade offs I am willing to make, and I hope that they are enough to maximize my potential return on romantic investment.