Going out to eat

 

Last week, RQS came up for a mid-week visit, as she had a weekend memorial that she had to attend. Because of this, she came up on Tuesday to spend the middle of the week with me.

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Like most couples, RQS and I have several go-to restaurants near each others' residences.  The reasons a restaurant becomes a "go-to" place vary.  For example, the diner in Croton is my go-to place when I'm presenting as Mario.  The food is good, servings are plentiful, the staff is friendly, and the experience is predictable.  It's not a great place to eat, but it is not a bad place to eat. It's simply a pleasant experience each time we go there.  And I've eaten there often enough as Mario, that I avoid eating there as Marian.

The go-to places I have when presenting as Mario are different than those I have when presenting as Marian.  For example, I will go to one Italian restaurant in Croton over most of the others in town, as they have only seen me in Marian mode.  This makes it much easier for me, as I don't have to worry as much as being misgendered. 

And then, there are the places I can go to in either presentation.  I do not visit these places often enough to be a fixture there, and I am likely to be seen as a very occasional visitor.  One of those places is the Eveready Diner in Brewster.  Given the distance from Croton, NY to Brewster, NY, we are not likely to visit there often enough to become a fixture there.  So, I feel safe visiting in either gender presentation.

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As you can guess, I am a low key foodie who can enjoy both haute cuisine and junk food.  For the most part, I find good places to eat almost anywhere.  But I have also found some bad places as well.  Those bad places are few and far between, and are often found in acts of desperation.  For example, RQS and I visited Bar Harbor, ME on a cruise after tourist season ended and couldn't find a good place to eat because my go-to places were already closed for the winter.  Unfortunately, we ended up stumbling into a place with bad service, mediocre food, and forgettable atmosphere.  That's one place we will never again visit.

Yet, we stumble into more good places than bad ones.  On the same cruise where we visited Bar Harbor, we also visited Portland, ME and found a great seafood joint off the beaten path.  The restaurant was associated with another business which processes seafood destined for other other restaurants.  Yum!  Needless to say, we will visit this place again the next time we are in Portland.

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In the past, I'd try to go to as many meetups as possible, so that I could eat out with other people.  Now that RQS is in my life, it is just as well that I do not go to many meetups anymore. Dining out has gotten way too expensive these days. I still recoil a little when I see post-pandemic restaurant prices. So, I've become extra careful to patronize my go-to places as often as I can, as I want them to stay in business.

It ain't over until it's over!

Yogi Berra, the Rodney Dangerfield of Baseball.  A kind man who worked hard to excel at a game he loved - baseball.  Behind all the light hearted banter, he quietly earned 13 World Series rings, more than any other baseball player, living or dead.

Why do I mention this man?

To answer this question, I have to say that RQS and I went into Manhattan to see a documentary about this man's life, called: " It Ain't Over."  This documentary gives this great ballplayer his due, and gives the viewer an idea of what this man was all about.  It all started because his granddaughter saw 4 baseball players honored as the best living players at one all-star game.  Jokingly, she asked her grandfather: "Are You Dead?" And he responded, "I don't think so."  It then became her mission to see that her grandfather was given his due.

I won't say much about this movie, save one thing: SEE IT!  RQS, who is not a baseball fan, loved it.  

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After the movie, we stopped at a Halal food cart to get a couple of Chicken and Lamb combos, with some Falafel on the side.  Yum!  I won't say that it was good as the food cart near where I used to work, nor will I say it is as good as a place in her neighborhood. But I will say that the food was tasty, and worth what we paid for it before returning home for the night....

Crusing without RQS? (a short post)

 

I won't go into all the details of why I want to take this cruise - especially when RQS wouldn't be with me when I sail off for a week. But RQS approves of my reasons, and I want to see about whether it makes sense to try out a new cruise line.

With the above being noted, I have my concerns about sailing on an MSC ship.  Almost all the Vlogggers I watch have made comments on the food found on MSC ships - and they say that the food is middling. Although I can accept middling food, RQS will not do so. So, it's in my interest to try out this cruise line, as we might want to consider it as an option for a Norwegian Fjord cruise.

Assuming I book this cruise, I will take it presenting as Marian.  Of course, this means that I will NOT get off the ship in Nassau. And there is nothing I want to do at Port Canaveral, so I will stay on the ship there as well.  But what about MSC's private Island, Ocean Cay?  Will I have a problem being gender non-conforming?  I do not have my former cruise partner backing me up anymore.  Nor would I want her to do so, even if we were still friends.  

Whatever I choose to do, I will make that decision soon.

Misconceptions and Anomalies

 

When I first started coming "out", I also started learning about my own misconceptions of what being transgender means.  Now that I've been out for a while, I can say that this ignorance was common to the larger cisgender society we live in.  And I've come to believe that being transgender is being on a spectrum of gender development issues that involve gender identity, gender preference, gender presentation, and gender manifestation.

To start, for most people, gender identity is a simple concept: you are either male or female.  But what happens when the mind develops in a way that this concept doesn't fit?  Like many transgender people, one can reject the genitalia that one is born with and look to have both surgeries and hormone treatments to correct this physical anomaly. However, many transgender people do not suffer severe gender dysphoria and choose paths which may only involve hormone therapy and other, less radical body modifications. To some cisgender people, this is beyond comprehension, and it is an abomination.  But why?  A baby's gender is the first thing people want to know when a child is born, as if defines much of the path that person's life will follow from birth to death. Anyone who challenges that basic path might be a threat to social unity, and that has to be stamped out before the threat becomes a reality.

Next comes gender preference, a concept with which people are only now starting become comfortable. Like gender identity, this is considered a threat to society by many cisgender people. However, many cisgender people have grown to understand this concept and accept that people with non-traditional gender preferences should be treated with respect and accepted by society.

However, gender expression (presentation) is not as understood by the general populace.  Why do some lesbians present with a more "masculine" appearance?  Why do some "straight" (in gender preference only) prefer to present as females? Many in cisgender society have problems processing who and what a person is when a person has an androgynous (or non-conforming) gender image that resists categorization.  This may trigger cisgender society's deepest fears, as people tend to fear most what resists categorization and being understood.  

Lastly, gender manifestation (or, I should say, being intersex) is something that is either hidden or "corrected" at an early age.  For example, many babies born with ambiguous genitalia have been "fixed" to look like "normal" females.  But this potentially creates a problem for these children as they grow up into adults, as their gender identity may be in conflict with their "corrected" gender manifestation. As a result, many intersex people are demanding that no "corrective" surgeries be performed until the child knows enough about its own gender identity and can provide input into the process of gender identification.

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With all of the above being said, I have to focus on the misconceptions people have about transgender people.  For example, not all of us want to have surgeries to convert our genitals to that of the sex of which we identify.  One person I know has had hormone therapy, but chooses to retain her masculine sex organs.  (Who wants to live a life without being able to have an orgasm again?  This person needs to preserve her ability to self-pleasure.)  Others need to have genitalia which resembles that of their gender identities.  And then, there are issues related to how many gender related physical traits that transgender people feel they need to fix before they feel they are of their identified sex.  (Hair transplants, Voice Adjustments, etc.)  As they used to say in old commercials, your mileage may vary.

Another misconception is that many cisgender people have about us transgender people is that we want different genitalia, so that we can have sex with our "former" sex.  (I knew a LCSW who believed this, and I am glad she is not in my life.)  For the most part, one's gender preference does not change after one has gender corrective surgery (GCS).

What I found surprising is how many cisgender people react when they interact with non-op transgender people (like me) who travel with legal IDs which conflict with their gender presentation. Some, like my Texas friends, are amazed that I will often travel in female mode while holding male ID. Others will (in bad taste) wonder aloud whether a transgender person is a male or female.  If I had heard that while boarding a ship on one cruise, I'd have asked the couple: "Why don't we go back to your room, and the three of us find out?  It could be some great fun."  That would have thrown them for a loop.  

Yet, when it comes to sports, more of the general population doesn't want transgender people to compete against people not belonging to their natal sex.  But what happens when a person's natal sex is ambiguous, or when hormone levels are that of the opposite sex?  There is a female runner who has been disqualified from running against other females because her naturally occurring levels of testosterone are that of a male.  How should we accommodate people like her?  There is a transgender female swimmer who is now disqualified from being in competitions against other females - even though many of her peers support her inclusion in these competitions.  I feel that if a transgender person's body has not undergone the puberty of their (at birth) assigned sex, and has only gone through the puberty of their identified sex, they should be allowed to compete against others of their identified sex as they will have no advantage from the wrong puberty. And even this is an issue that perplexes many in society.

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I feel that we have a long way to go before society understands and accepts transgender people.  At best, we are considered anomalies whose identities are not fully accepted because they are ambiguous.  At worse, they trigger irrational fears in others that will trigger them to cause us harm.  Hopefully, things will change for the better for us soon.

I just got a new dress from Universal Standard at a deep discount.

 

The above dress in yellow does nothing for the model in the picture.  But change it to blue, and the dress works very well on me.  And this is what I wore to night to have dinner with Vicki.

But first....

RQS had come up for a rare start-of-week stay, and we had a great time together.  No, we didn't do much of anything, save keep each other company for a few days.  While here, I told her of the dress I ordered from Universal Standard with a very deep discount.  I won't say how much of a discount I received, but it was enough for me to drop the hammer on buying a new dress when I wasn't planning on buying one. 

 

If I had known that this dress would be available in this color when I decided to buy the first dress, I might have chosen it instead.  I like the color, and I may still drop $148 (plus tax and shipping) to buy it if I have some extra money by the end of the month.  

Yet, I digress....

RQS thought the first dress looked good on me, and I did too.  So I wore it when dropping her off at the station to go home, and to pick Vicki up for dinner tonight - and I got compliments from Vicki as well. I think Vicki was surprised that I arrived at her house a little bit early.  This wasn't much of a problem, as we got to the restaurant relatively quickly.

Lefteris Gyro is one of our go-to places when we want Greek food.  They serve enough food there to feed an army, and I had enough food left over to be tomorrow's lunch. Although I won't say much about the conversation we had, it seems more likely that she and her husband may be spending their retirement in New York for reasons I won't go into here.  This pleases me for one reason - one of my closest friends may stay nearby in retirement, and I won't lose contact with her (as I almost did with WDS when he moved to Florida).

All too soon, I had to drop Vicki off at her house.  Hopefully, I'll be able to see her again before my next trip (and possibly introduce her to Vicki #2).

But where do I want to go that's affordable and safe for me?

 

Until early next year, it will not be prudent to schedule more vacations than already in the docket.  Yet, I would like to find a couple of overnight (or weekend) trips we can make from NYC at a minimal cost. Given that we can get to most major Eastern cities at a reasonable cost on Amtrak, the cost of travel (in both time and money) will not be an issue.  Instead, it is the choice of where to go.

I expect that hotel stays will be the biggest expense for us, followed by dining, transportation and miscellaneous expenses. We've narrowed the list of places to visit to the following 3 cities: Boston, Philadelphia, and Washington, DC.  Boston and Philadelphia are cities I have not developed a feel for yet, so I'd like to explore them when possible.

What does this say about other cities?  My impression of many other cities is that they do not have enough attractions for us to spend a weekend in the city, and that we would need a car to get around because of the paucity of good mass transit.  In addition, many cities in the Red States are hostile to all but cisgender people. Although I will be flying to Chicago in the Fall, it is one of the few cities outside the Northeast that I have found have enough things to do and is safe for me to visit while presenting as a female.

Even if I decided to travel as Mario, the issue of mass transit is important.  Most modern American cities have evolved around a Post-WW2 Car Culture.  Mass transit has been neglected, as people seem to prefer cocooned commutes to work.  Years ago, Los Angeles had one of the best public transit systems in the USA.  Now, it is trying to replace what it lost in the 1950's.  When I visit LA later on this year, I will be reluctant to take buses to reach my uncle's current residence, and will spend much more money taking an Uber for the trip.  Unfortunately, all too many American cities have become like LA, and this limits my choices for weekend trips.

Luckily, this doesn't rule out travel to Canada, even if I have to take a plane to get there.  Although Mount Royal (Montreal) is a quick ride North for me, I don't want to visit a place which penalizes people for using English in what is supposed to be a bilingual nation.  In the USA, we're seeing the use of Spanish change us into a bilingual nation.  And for the most part, we accommodate Spanish speakers much more than Quebec accommodates English speakers.  Instead, I would likely go to Toronto, a great city and one worth exploring at leisure.  Having been there before, I can say that the Theater and Restaurant scenes in Toronto make the city a great place to visit.

Yes, I have my prejudices in where I will travel.  But who doesn't?   This New Yorker will only go where I feel welcome, safe, and where I can get around with ease.  

Why I'm not taking an Alaskan Cruise this year.

 

 

The above route is one I'd like to take this year, as it checks off all the places I want to see on a 7-day Alaska cruise.  The underlying price, inclusive of airfare, taxes, port fees and gratuities is more than acceptable for me as a solo traveler.  However, I won't even consider it due to circumstances not mentioned in any travel agency site, or the cruise line site itself.  (This is not just an NCL issue, as Princess, RCL and other cruise lines have the same problem.)  But what is the unadvertised problem?

Last year, there was a rock slide which made it unsafe to make port at Skagway's railroad pier.  At a moment's notice, cruise lines changed their ships' itineraries from Skagway to ports such as Icy Strait Point (Hoonah) and Sitka. This year, Skagway has done what it can to stabilize the rock face overlooking the railroad pier, but it is only a short term fix. And it is a fix that (at worst) can only give 12 seconds' warning before a rock slide.  Although Skagway can keep people safe, this is not enough for the people who run the cruise lines. They are just not comfortable bringing their newest and biggest ships to this port due to liability issues.

For me, a stop in Skagway is a must on any Inside Passage cruise. And I feel it almost criminal that at least one cruise line has failed to update its site to indicate itinerary changes that now bypass Skagway. As a result of this, I will not take a last minute Alaska cruise this year, no matter what discount I get, as the advertisement for these cruises no longer reflects the true itinerary that these cruises will follow.

 

 

PS: From what I've been told, there are still ships stopping at Skagway.  It seems as if only the older, smaller ships are making it to this port, as they can use an alternate way of bringing people into this little town. Hopefully, cruisers on these ships will get to enjoy this port the way I did 25 years ago.