I'd have never dreamed how free I feel these days

 

Yesterday, I outed myself as a part of getting a new BJ's card.  As a Transgender person, I have a sense of freedom being able to control how I out myself to others.  In the past, I tried to hide the fact that I am transgender. Now, I use caution in outing myself.  Yet, I am often taken for a cisgender female in many interactions.  This is a good feeling.

The other day, I went to a fast food joint and used the drive up window.  Using the best female voice I could muster, I ordered my food - and was taken for a female without anyone seeing me.  My voice is getting better, but it is far from perfect. And this woman's unseen acknowledgement of my femininity made me feel good.

One of the nice things about being out in the world as much as I've been as a TG woman, the more I'm taken simply as a cisgender female.  Although I have no interest in the male of our species, it would be nice if some male found me attractive as a female.  (Mind you, with this would come risk - men often have a hard time taking NO for an answer - and even worse.)  The more that I'm seen as a female (without qualification) the freer I will feel.  

All of this makes me want to participate in more women's groups.  Sadly, my past experiences on exploring being out as a female has closed many of these doors to me in my area of suburbia.  I figure that RQS and I may need to find a neighborhood that suits both of our needs, so that I can build a better social network with people who need not have any clues that I was once someone other than the Marian they are seeing.

The bag is packed and ready to go, but not me.

 

Today's theme is: things go wrong.  They are not going wrong in a critical way.  Instead, they are going wrong in an awkward way.  

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Last Friday, I left a message for the sleep doctor asking about the next steps in the process of getting a new CPAP machine.  How did the sleep test go?  Do the results suggest that I need a CPAP machine? When should I go in to see him again?  Do I need another sleep test to determine the new settings for that new CPAP machine?  There are so many things I want to know, and do not have input from this doctor 1 week after the sleep test.  And today, I found out that the message I wrote may not have been received.  So I wrote another message and sent it out - with no answer by end of day.  This means that I'll have to call him in the morning and hope for the best.

Next, after I drove RQS home (depositing my large suitcase at her place ahead of our upcoming cruise), I decided to stop at Lane Bryant on the way home to browse a little.  No one noticed me there, which may be a good or bad sign.  I think that they were understaffed, and that I came in at the same time as another customer who needed attention.  But I digress.  Next on my list of things to do was to get a new membership card at BJ's wholesale club.  That's where the fun began.  As soon as I got to membership services, a deafening alarm made it impossible to speak.  And it took over 5 minutes for someone to come to the desk and turn off the alarm. Once the alarm was quieted, I started my interaction with the lady behind the counter, noting that I wanted a new card with a name change.  She complimented me on how good I looked, and I was gone from the desk in less than 5 minutes more.

On the way home, I found that tomorrow's driveway work has been rescheduled for Friday.  This means that I'll have trouble parking Thursday night after playing games, and then not be able to take an early train to RQS's place on Saturday.  If bad weather strikes again, I'll have to ask my brother to store my car at his place, then deliver me to RQS's place that afternoon - with a pick up a week later.

Am I ready to go on my cruise?  No.  But ready or not.....

One week and counting (a short post)

 

One week to go.  The countdown has begun.  By this time next week, I'll be sailing to Bermuda. And you'll be reading this after I've returned from the cruise. (Sorry, I never post in real time anymore.)

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Until today, I didn't give the task of packing for the trip much thought.  But, having to take RQS home along with my large suitcase made this cruise seem a little bit more real to me.  So, I printed out a packing list to make sure that I didn't forget anything.

I plan to keep presenting as Marian until I leave for RQS's place next weekend.  And then, I'll present as Mario for about a week and a half.  On a ship where most people still get dressed up for formal night, I'll be envious of RQS, as she has the freedom to dress in a way that makes her look her best, while I'm stuck wearing clothing which doesn't let me feel my best.

When we go to the cruise terminal, we may have to deal with traffic jams caused by NYC's "Tunnel to Towers" race.  Our arrival time at the terminal is scheduled for 2 pm.  However, we plan to get there early enough to deal with the expected long lines at the terminal.  (Brooklyn's terminal facility is not known for speed, and it handles large passenger volume poorly.)  The last time I cruised out of Brooklyn, it took me over an hour to pass through the gauntlet to reach the ship.  Hopefully, by getting there later than last time, I can avoid the early bird processing jams.

One week and counting.  Hopefully, RQS and I will enjoy this trip....

Cruising - A great way to chill and disconnect

 

The above is a typical Northbound East Coast cruise itinerary.  And it is the one that RQS and I wanted to take this Autumn, but exceeded this year's travel budget if we did so.  It would have been the perfect cruise to take with me presenting as Marian, as I had done this route as Marian several times before.

Every time I cruise, I find that the time I spend away from home allows me to chill out and relax.  Where I have problems staying focused enough to read anything at home due to the numerous distractions that I allow to get in the way of my reading.  This doesn't happen on a cruise ship, as I can't flip between channels until I find something temporarily interesting to watch.  Nor can I get the latest information drop on my cell phone which triggers another rabbit hole exploration.  

When I cruised with my former cruise partner, she'd often be playing cards in the casino while I was reading in the cabin, or being entertained elsewhere on the ship.  (She often gets comped by the cruise line's casino program to get free cruises because of her gambling on the ship.)  Now that I cruise with RQS, neither of us are found anywhere near the casino, save when we must walk through it to get somewhere else.

After 7+ days on a ship, I feel refreshed by the time I get home.  But I wish I could take another cruise shortly afterward.  This year, I will have taken 4 cruises, 2 on Princess, 1 on MSC, and 1 on NCL. The latter 2 cruises will have the same basic itinerary, and I'll be able to make an apples to apples comparison of 2 cruise lines.  Hopefully, I won't be bored with Bermuda by the time we finish the second cruise. Even more, I hope to be able to visit Bermuda as Marian on the second cruise.

Right now, I am packing for the first of the 2 Bermuda cruises.  Hopefully, I'll be done packing before RQS arrives tomorrow, as I'll be driving her home and leaving my big suitcase there for ease of travel.  By the time we're done with cruising this year, RQS may have as many cruises with me under her belt as I did with my former cruise partner.  Hopefully, my former cruise partner is having as good a time as I am on my cruises....

Why do transgender people skew towards being Liberal?

 

Why do transgender people skew towards being Liberal?

This is a question that has a simple and logical answer.  Liberals put a greater priority on the rights of the individual than they do for the community's need for individuals to surrender their rights to the collective for its preservation.  For example, who do we value more?  Do we value the contentious objector to a war fought for questionable reasons, such as Vietnam?  Or, do we value the drafted soldier who may give up his life fighting in the same war where our nation's goals were not achieved?  Whose rights matter more, the individual or the community?

Historically, gender was viewed as a binary in Western culture. Either one was born male or female, and then slotted into the roles assigned to the associated gender.  Household and community tasks were assigned to the genders, and rarely did things not match accepted Western cultural norms. Reproduction was a higher priority than it is today, as both a large number of women died in childbirth, and many children died before they were adults. Homosexuality was discouraged, and being transgender was totally out of the question. As you can guess, people who did not meet these norms had to hide their true selves in order to survive.  

The 20th century brought us great change.  We had 2 world wars.  We entered the computer age. And Christine Jorgensen made news with her sex change (now called gender confirmation/correction surgery). Things people took for granted as unchangeable could now be changed.  Gender may be the first attribute assigned to identify a person, and traditionally has been based on a person's visible genitalia for good reason. This can scare people with weak self identities. These people tend to cling to traditional ways of identifying people, and reject transgender people as freaks - simply because they don't understand the emotional pains of people born with a brain that develops with the characteristics of one gender, while the body develops with the characteristics of the other. In short, those that reject transgenders as being weird are simply looking to conserve traditional ways of understanding the world.

When people are rejected by a collective group of people, they gravitate to others that will accept them. Liberals tend to be much more diverse in views and expressions, as they accept non-traditional ways of defining the world.  This is why transgenders tend to associate with liberals - we are accepted for who we are, and not being forced to comply with others' ways of looking at the world.

Yet, there will always be some transgender people who identify with others that hold "conservative" values - even when those others reject them because of being transgender.  I'll never understand why some people keep trying to belong to groups that would reject them. But then, humans are a tribal species, and none of us enjoys being rejected by our peers.  One trans person I've met moved to a "conservative" region of my state and decided to go to the local church - and was rejected because she was transgender.  I don't know what happened to this trans woman since then, but I know the rejection must have hurt her very much.

So I have to ask, have you noticed how political conservatives are using the "fear of the other" to control the masses?  Look at Trump's lie, saying that Haitian immigrants in Springfield, OH are stealing dogs and cats, then eating them.  This has "given permission" to crazy people to terrorize the residents of this city, and has forced schools, offices, and public events to be shut down for public safety. Contrast Trump's lies with objective reality - the Haitians have been a net benefit to Springfield, law abiding people who have helped in the rebirth of the city.  No wonder why transgenders skew towards being liberal - we have suffered like most of the groups that have been defined as "the other".

So, what do you believe and why do you believe it?

 

Getting back to "Normal" - some thoughts about normal

 

In less than 2 weeks, I'll be on the first cruise to Bermuda for the year.  So, one of the things I have to do is pack for the cruise.  Since this cruise is being taken as Mario 😒, I won't be able to dress up nice to have a good photo taken of RQS and I together.  At least, I have almost 2 weeks' of clothes for my male presentation that I can pack in advance, as I don't wear them that often anymore.

Given that the first of the two cruises will be taken on MSC, RQS will get a chance to see why I'm ambivalent about taking cruises on this line after the treatment we've gotten used to on Princess and NCL. Do I think RQS will enjoy the cruise?  Yes.  Or, I wouldn't have decided on taking this trip.  However, I think that she, like myself, will use MSC only for inexpensive getaways.  There will be one benefit of us taking this first trip to Bermuda, followed by another one several weeks later - I can ask the pier personnel whether my "sister" would have problems getting back on the ship, showing her male, legal ID.

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Recently, my brother has prodded me to take care of paperwork required to get our dad's birth certificate.  When I went down to NYC to get dad's birth certificate, I found that I had to mail in the application, and not pick it up in person.  AARGH!  One of the tasks I'll be taking care of today is filling out the paperwork, sending in a copy of my birth certificate, dad's death certificate, and a check for $45 to cover NYC's paperwork charges.  Hopefully, we will get a quick response on this, as I'd like to get this over and done with soon.

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The other day, I started to notice a small gap forming between the caulking on the tub and the tiles on the bathroom wall nearest the bathtub's hot and cold faucets.  Today, I applied new caulk to fill in the gap, and hopefully keep things from getting worse for a while.  If in the future I need to do more about this, I may call in Bath Fitter to take care of all plumbing related issues.  At that time, I'll put in a liner over the bathtub area to make it look new, a new toilet, and a new vanity/sink combination.  After this, I'll take care of installing a new medicine cabinet and I will have an up-to-date bathroom.  (There goes another bucket list vacation!)

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Next week, I will have to park my car on the street outside my apartment complex, as we are getting our driveway resealed and restriped.  I have to make sure that I am home early enough one night, so that I don't have to walk far to my car the next morning.

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If there is one thing I can say to my trans friends out there it would be: Being able to be your true self doesn't eliminate the day to day problems from your life. Instead, it allows you to focus on the solution to those problems with one less distraction.

Sleep Test - How did I do?

 

Nine years ago, I was diagnosed with Sleep Apnea. For those who don't know what this is, it is not snoring.  It is that the person gets so tired, that s/he falls far enough into sleep that the body stops breathing.  I have grown to depend on my CPAP machine to go to sleep, and take it with me whenever I plan to sleep away from home.

Recently, my CPAP machine has displayed a message that it is past its predicted life span, and that it is on its last legs.  This meant that I had to schedule an appointment with the sleep doctor, and then an appointment to take a sleep test.  Last night was that sleep test.

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Before I went to the hospital for the test, I bought a set of men's PJ's (aargh!) to wear during the test. Last night, I packed up my PJ's and a full change of clothes to take with me for the next morning.  When I was finally wired up, I found out that this would be a diagnostic test to see if I had sleep apnea, and not the test I'd need to get a new machine script.  (The doctor was starting from scratch to be safe.) And it took me 2 hours to fall asleep for the first time this evening.

I was awakened around 3 am to fit me with a nasal mask (presumably to see if my breathing improved with a CPAP device), and I was able to get to sleep much quicker than I did the first time.  I was awakened again at 6:30 am, and proceeded to get showered, dressed and out the door.  While on my way out, one of the reception personnel and I chatted a little before I got into my car and drove away for a breakfast sandwich.

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My question is: When should I contact the doctor's office for the next step in this process?  What were the results of this sleep test?  Will I need to get a new CPAP machine?  Inquiring minds want to know.